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Husband giving too much money to parents...am i over reacting?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Sagarika41, Jun 4, 2012.

  1. Sagarika41

    Sagarika41 New IL'ite

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    Hi all, i m new to this forum n wanted to share someting with ya all...i am a working woman in TX and came with my husband 5 yrs back to US....we both have been working since then and earn a fair amount together. I always trusted my husband so never even bother to look into my salary account or so. He used to tell me every month that you got this much salary and i was like okk....once in a while i would login n see n it was all fine.As soon as we came to US, he said that he would like to pay his father loan of few lakhs n i was like ok not a problem...then he paid his loans after then his parents said they would like to construct their home..its was just one story at my marriage n they made now 3 stories above that which cost them 25 lakhs out of which my father in law took 10 lakhs loan and rest my husband paid which he denies saying that he paid 8 lakhs only but i know he paid 15 lakhs coz my father in law already took loan.btw my FIL is country head in some company and earns 50-60,000 per month. i have a brother in law but he does no job...anyways i was still ok....all the atm cards is with my FIL for our indian account including mine and my husband used to transfer money to these accounts and he could easily withdraw the money.then after this,my MIL's brother got sick and he needed money fir operation for which my in laws again told my husband to transfer money which he did again in lakhs. And now they are saying they want to open a shop for my BIL and again wants money in lakhs which my husband said he would pay....n then he is saying he will give money for his marriage too...now i am getting concerned and started questioning him about this that how much would we keep on transferring..he gets very angry at this and says that my parents dont have money and i will send them....i have one kid and second is on the way...i am asking him to save something for us too....he is paying house expenses from both of our accounts so my account is also getting used up....n i m not sure where my FIL's monthly salary is going?he always yells at me that they are my parents and i can do anything for them...am i doing something wrong here? I did not question him in last 5 yrs...its just that my in laws are going on n on o on with one or the other demand that i spoke now....i m seriously thinking where i am wrong?
     
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  2. chandu141

    chandu141 Silver IL'ite

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    hai Sagarika
    hope you are doing well,
    i do' t understand how and why are you allowing your FIL to use your ATM or credit cards..
    The only better way is to take over your bank account , ATM and credit cards or change or create a new account so that you do' t have to ask anyone's permission to collect your own money cards back. and save from your side as personal banking not any kinda joint account something like that. like that you do' t let anyone use your money.
    and do' t interfere or question in to your husbands spending or transferring of money to his parents. when he will be short of his own money and when he asks you just tell that you have planned something for your kids and can not spend kids money for any other. then he will definitely understand the situation.
    do' t forget that you should not discuss anything regarding his spending on his parents. just save yours and be normal which helps to avoid disturbances .
     
  3. Sagarika41

    Sagarika41 New IL'ite

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    Thanks Chandu!! Your words are quite a relief for me....my husband before coming here gave my atm card to my FIL saying that when we buy some property in India then he has to send money in different accounts as he can't transfer a big amount in a single account..thats why i gave him.....problem is when i tell my husband now that whatever money is there with me is for me and kids he says that he will transfer money to his parents so he has no money in his account so for our house expenses he has to use my account.....like paying for my kids daycare and other regular expenses....my problem is not with his sending money to his parents thats why i didn't question him in last 5 yrs....now the probem is when he is left with no money in his account of course after transferring a big amount of money to his parents, he moves to my account for house expenses n then i am left with no money....so you tell me what should i do in this situation? Of course i have to tell him to send less money...which becomes point of fight...
     
  4. chandu141

    chandu141 Silver IL'ite

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    you are really managing well..

    i guess you hav' t understood my words clearly..
    how can your H move to your account, if it' s relating to your house expenses , you tell him that okay u will take care of the house expenses and the baby (cuz when he is out of cash you need to take care of your home that makes him to think that you are running the house actually.. but there is no need to handover your account details and all). so there is no chance of sending your money to his FIL, in case if he directly asks money for his FIL you have to say that you just cant and be silent but there is no need of advising him to reduce his transferring of money to anyone.

    some times we need to plan for avoiding some situations in our life.. but not how to face the situations..
     
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  5. Sagarika41

    Sagarika41 New IL'ite

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    Yes he is not sending money to his father from my account. He is sending that from his own....but the heat comes to my account when he is left with no money in his account. See how can i save if i am doing house expenses and he is sending money to his parents? My acct details are with me now but at the end of this all.....all the money is getting used up...its not like that we both are earning so woud be saving a lot...all husbands money going to parents, my money going for house expenses..how can i save then?
     
  6. chandu141

    chandu141 Silver IL'ite

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    do' t worry dear, some how you are doing a great job.. you need to discuss with your H about your family, that some how we are running the hose now but there is no safety or savings for future expenses. and make him understand that his own family need savings.... and explain, then question him about future unexpected expenses. Point out his future but do' t point on his present behavior or about anyone. scare him with future problems that if there is no savings he need to request others for help which you do' t like at all even your H is ready.. if one is stupid other one should think smart and manage without any disturbances. think wise and do accordingly, ( manipulate or change him but do' t try to force him) Just need patience and some time.
    Good Luck :)
     
  7. Sagarika41

    Sagarika41 New IL'ite

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    Thx Chandu...have tried this a lot already....and will keep trying :)
     
  8. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Now, seriously!?
    Just because some women here refer to other women as 'dear', you think you being a guy can call a stranger woman as 'dear'? Seriously lol!
     
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  9. Sagarika41

    Sagarika41 New IL'ite

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    Can someone else please give their thoughts too?
     
  10. sashacurios

    sashacurios Silver IL'ite

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    hi, really don't hav any new ideas... since i also go through similar stuffs and incidents... you can sweet talk, you can yell, fight... bring up an argument whatever... nothing will change except until he realizes it himself! All we can do is keep trying to open up their eyes and hope they realize it fast! so keep trying and never give up!
    all the best :thumbsup
     
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