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Husband doesn't want me to spend for us

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sashmitaa, Jun 13, 2007.

  1. Sashmitaa

    Sashmitaa Senior IL'ite

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    Hey guys,

    I dont know whether this happens in all families. We visited India lat month and obviously everyone is happy reg our visit. The problem here withme is the money we spent there and the only person who spent the money is my husband for nearly 20 people. We went for tours, and visit so many places. Nobody spent a single penny from their pocket. Now we r back here and my husband is counting on each dollar I spend. Whenever I go to purchase anything he used to tell dont buy this ,dont buy that you are a lavish spender ,you dont know how to save money. I really felt very sad the way my husband gave money to each one of them that too in 500s and 1000s. How come the persons change once they get here and they feel that their wives are spending more. Dont they know their siblings or their parennts make him to spend more and they cant say a single word against them . Is this the
    behaviour of every husbands? How come men are like this:cry: ?

    Regards
    Lakshmi
     
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  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Cant we help it?

    Welcome to NRI club.. As some one said in some other forum.. :mrgreen:

    It does happen to most of the NRI couples visting India. So you are not the only victim. I am not sure if you are working. If not, find some ways to work.. Thats one way to get liberation from such dual-behaviour. For me, I never felt bad.. when my husband took care of every expense in India at in-law's place and we did the same at my parent's place also.. Though my parents always said no-no.. But we forced our way. for us, it was easier, becuase both the fathers are retired. and I would say.. I didnt want to burden anyone else.. For us also, Budget went real down.. But then we had planned for it.. I took too many gifts for everyone.. then we spent all the money there too.
    Here is what we do in the beginning of the year... We decide out joint budget of the year.. we decide this much we'll spend on personal travel.. this much on india trip.. this much we will give to parents or so on.. SO that we both are in synch.. and we dont feel lost suddenly..

    I hope this give some thoughts to resolve this conflict in you.

    Cheers
    ria
     
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  3. Huma

    Huma Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Cant we help it?

    hi
    i agree with ria

    bye
     
  4. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Cant we help it?

    Hi Lakshmi,

    don't take it seriously ur husband is thinking for both of u only, it is commom. but when u go to india before that both of u plan together how much u r going to spent minimum for each relative taking care of all miscellaneous expenses and keeping some amount for urself too. Actually, but when u reach india what happens we forget howmuch to spend. so both of u talk and spend. When i go to india i will take advance this much i am going to spend, so i get that much and manage with that. so no problem, but if i find somewhere its overspending which is not required i will realize him so that next time he can be careful, these husbands sometimes needs to be adviced but alone. whatever money u spend noone cares it will look small amount bcoz u r nri but u can understand. try to make things better next time, dont get disappointed, it happens with newly wedded couples in india too when they go to visit their relatives and friends.

    be happy
    padma
     
  5. preeti09

    preeti09 New IL'ite

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    Re: Cant we help it?

    Hi Laxmi...

    Yes , Dont misunderstand ur Husband.. I think if i were in ur place then i would have talked to my hubby regarding money matters before going to India..and make sure we spend each penny properly...dont think ur husband doesnt know ,tat ur inlaws or his sis make him spend money from his pocket , he is aware of this but , he has to consider his family members also..... u dont always blame him for such matters ... men get adamant in such things..... dont misunderstand me this is my own experience......

    Sometime when he is in romantic mood try to pull his mind towards u , i mean explain him wat u really meant by saying so..... dont make issue infront of everybody...say tat even u have children even they have to reach good level ... now everything is going up so even education standard and cost of tat will rise.. so tell him it is u parents duty to provide all comfort to ur kids, for tat u have to spend money only for good means.......


    hope this helps...
    all the best for ur future...:-D
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2007
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  6. So Sure

    So Sure Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Cant we help it?

    hi Lakshmi,
    Problem with our relatives in India is that they will convert all money into Rupees. They will calculate our salary in Rs. and "declare" we are rich. They do not /will not understand our expenses here. They will take it for granted that we will spend money for everyone. They will act like they have a right over your money. Mind you, if you don't spend money with relatives, you will be called all sorts of names! So, if you want peace of mind in India, you may have to buy it!! Most people are broke when they get back from India.
    I think, your hubby is feeling very frustrated and guilty that he spent a lot of money in Inda. i say frustrated, 'coz he has a hole in his pocket and cannot say a word to his relatives. Guilty, 'coz he is trying to "over" correct it by pointing a finger at you (before you could do that to him). Try to understand that, "you both" (not he alone) spent money lavishly in India. Let him know that "you both" will try to undo the damage and "you both" will succeed. I'm sure your husband too learnt a lesson. A very expensive one!
    Next time you go to India, plan your activities. Like Ria 'n' others said, make a budget for gifts, travel expenses and investments, etc. Investments... do that first when you reach India. Make "investments" a reason for not having money to spending elsewhere. You will not feel disappointed. Your husband will like the idea. Mine does!
    So cheer up! :2thumbsup:
    Regards,
    Sharada
     
  7. Sashmitaa

    Sashmitaa Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Cant we help it?

    Hey Ria

    You have pointed out everything right and will try to do the same.

    Hey Padmavati Thanks for sharing your views

    Hey Preethi and Sharada

    Whatever I wish to write in my next post is all in yours. Yes, relatives takes everything for granted and my husband told them how we saved each and every penny. But even after that they wanted to enjoy from his savings imagining that those came directly from heaven to his pocket. I dont know how come they can enjoy one mans savings unheartedly. Really sharda I felt very very bad when I was in India. I still feel some people dont have feelings at all.

    regards
    Lakshmi
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2007
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  8. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Cant we help it?

    I am glad, I could give some pointers. I learnt that from my husband. He would make sure we plan our finances ahead of each year. WHich I thought is very good idea. Another trick.. is make the hubby Finance advisor in the house.. The position , my husband has taken fondly.. Ask the quarterly reviews and you will see he will be responsibe for his own expenses too.. We do it all the time.. And i guess it helps to have clear and crisp understanding about finance in the house.

    No need to get hurt .. Life is long journey.. Where none of us know how to be the best spouse.. We err and we learn.. So forgive Him.. But another point you may get some happiness from .. A guy who takes care of his old relatives.. is worthy to be a good and caring husband.. You can make sure..Your old age will be well taken care of.. And for relatives.. You can think may be u did some charity... This time when we went to india. We even made budget for a charity .. My husband and I wanted to give soem money away to just very needy people.. and i think it does help to share the wealth..
     
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  9. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Cant we help it?

    Yes, that is the fact that our husbands will spend lavishly over his people, but we are not suppose to spend anything or buy anything.
    Most of the females face this problem, including me.
    But I learnt to save money when I am here and collected good amount of money for myself and spent as I wished in India.
    This way I was not hurted by my husbands behaviour.
    All I said to my husband was my father gave me a good amount to spend.
    By this my husband was very happy.
    Anyways we can't change these people. The more you deal with them, the more you will get hurted. So it is better to find your own ways of happiness.

    Take care,
    Punitha
     
  10. ilagandhi

    ilagandhi New IL'ite

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    Re: Cant we help it?

    It is really interesting to hear everyone's comments from this side of the pond. I wonder what our sisters in India have to say to this. What is your view on U.S relatives visiting India. Is it an expectation that the U.S. party should spend all the money for outings and such???

    I guess I don't go that often, but when I do, I must admit we do take ownership of all the expenses. Most of the time that's just the way it is.
     

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