Husband Doesn't Mingle With My Family And Friends

I grew up in the US, so when I agreed to an arranged marriage to a man who grew up in India and came for masters, I somehow assumed that our families would integrate and my husband would be like a son to my parents, just as I am a daughter to his parents. Despite the culture differences, I have integrated into their family, but on the otherhand, despite the proximity of my family (my parents live 4 hours away, cousins are in US too), he finds a way to avoid being around them. Sometimes, he would use travel expense as an issue or work conflicts. Anything to stay away and not get near my "weird" family.

We are having marital problems anyhow, so it's not like he is very understanding that this issue is making me dislike him and resent him even more. We are going to counseling.

Now, I can't force him to be interested in spending time with my relatives, but at the same time I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, because I end up going to India annually and staying at my IN laws place for 4-6 weeks, with a couple of days to a week with my relatives. This time, despite my new employment (and how interested I am to get back into working) he tried to make me stay longer in India, because he wants our son to spend more time with his parents (who at this point, stay at our house annually for 2 month stretches). I really decrease the number of times I meet my family, because it always makes him angry when I'm with them, so I have visited my parents twice for 1week stretches, this year. I'm trying to be fair, but I still feel like I'm begging for a chance to be with my family and it's unfair.

How should I deal with the India trip, so that it is fair to me as well?

I should also share that he is very particular about my actions toward his family, but he expects me to lie and give him a good face when he is missing during my family events. I have often been asked where my husband is, because it's the holidays and families normally stick together at that times. He never actually has a good excuse to not come.

 

Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to equal the playing field. Somehow, now that I just got offered a job, I'm suddenly getting more respect about my opinion on family matters. At least, my stance on spending equal time seems reasonable to him.

 

The thing is, he will make my life miserable, if I don't do what he want me to do. He is currently angry that my family uses different words for Maternal grandma and grandpa, than his, so he has expressed that if my family keeps using "our" words, he doesn't want me here, because I clearly favor my family. At this point, I just stop trying to please him. It's impossible.