Husband doesn't like me visiting my parents - What should I do?

justme123 · Aug 12, 2015

Everytime I want to see my family, my husband starts getting angry or just ignores or avoids the topic completely-basically I get that he does not like that I want to go. He kind of has an anger problem (In the beginning months of our marriage he smashed plates with food twice because I just said something he did not like.) Since then I have learnt to notice his trigger points and avoid them. Even he has learnt to control his anger a lot since then. But once in a while it erupts like crazy. Unfortunately, one of triggers is when I have to see my parents. So now they are in US at my brothers place and I have been telling him that I would like to go stay with then for sometime and then they can also visit us for sometime. I want to split the time because I don't want my parents to witness his temper tantrums and rudeness. I know he can be really nice for few days but not for a longer time. He is like that with his own parents also. But I will not be able to live with him if he is rude to my parents which is his normal nature. But he is hesitant to let me go because of his parents. I overheard them fighting/yelling at him that why I should have any attachments to my birth family now that I am married and why I should go and stay with my family during our previous India visit. To my face they are very sweet though. Fortunately, I went to my parents place first, later however, when I went to my inlaws place, my hubby had just come. He yelled at me in front of his parents that I should go to my parents place and stay there only. Now that my parents are here I told him that I am planning to go. He is just avoiding making a plan. What should I do? I feel like I am always walking on eggshells around him. I think he is worried about what he would tell his parents while I am gone. Sorry for the long rant.

seekout · Aug 12, 2015

hi justme123 ,

Don't bother about what your in-laws will think. Just speak with your DH and go ahead.
You don't have to take him along all the time just take him to meet once and then you go. You NEED NOT take PERMISSION from him to visit YOUR parents. does he ask you before meeting his parents??
if your in-laws try to stop you or question you, just answer sweetly that "My parents were missing me so much just like you guys miss us". If you have a SIL things become easier to explain.

yellowmango · Aug 12, 2015

Is this how you want to live all your life?
Some things are not up for compromise. Is this why your parents raised you, educated you and got you married....that you wouldn't have the spine to even visit them?
You have to put your foot down for somethings if you want change.

Next time your husband shouts and tells you to go to parents place only...smile and thank him and pack your bags.
If you let them bully you...they will continue to do so.

Just for information...not letting /preventing the wife/dil from visiting her parents comes under domestic abuse and is punishable under the domestic violence act .

How long have you been married?
Do you have kids?
If not,please tell him you will not have a child till he gets help for his anger issues. He is a really bad role model for a child.

Have you ever discussed this anger issue of his with him?
Have you told him he has a problem and he needs to do something about it?
Why the tip toeing? Why be so scared?
These things are better sorted out early in marriage before they become a norm.

padmaja909 · Aug 12, 2015

They are your parents. You need not have to get anyone's permission to meet them.

sun01 · Aug 12, 2015

To avoid some egos it may be worth asking your parents to come to your house a day or two and then go to your brothers place with your parents.

If relationships are good, it does not matter whether you go or they come. For your situation it is alternative way to handle the issue and achieve the same you want.

Your H silence could be when they did not to come our house why should we go.
I could be wrong. Just different thought.

ComfortablyNumb · Aug 12, 2015

You are an adult. Why do you need someone's permission to go visit your parents? Sorry, but anybody who says that women shouldn't have any attachment with their parents after marriage is a complete moron and you should not be listening to such people, even if they are your own.

justme123 · Aug 12, 2015

Thank you for your replies. I know should be stronger than how I feel. But I have never had to deal with such situations because in my family no one really fights like these people do. If I say the things he says to his parents they would be so deeply hurt that they would just break off contact with me. But they seem to tolerate it. Very weird. I told them about how he speaks to me, they said its his nature he is very sensitive. And they have minimum contact with him (weekend call for 10-15mins). I have spoken to him about his anger issues and he has been controlling it very well since his last outburst. (I know some extended family member with anger problem and seeing them I did not want to live with someone who has an anger problem, because I am kind of extra sensitive and I did ask before marriage if he had one and he said no.) Just other than this he is very nice. To be honest I am a very flexible person and can learn to handle his anger problems also. All I expect from him is to stop thinking that he has any right to control my access to seeing my family. I want to be able to visit them whenever I feel like. We have been married for about 3 years. His family keeps thinking that he is so innocent (bichara seedha saadha ladka) and she is trying to control him as all problems in their life are because of me. Although all I am trying to do is live my own life with peace of mind. I do not try to control him at all. So frustrating. They can try to control him why are they trying to control me I don't understand. He said that he got a dream once that I went to see my parents and didn't come back only. Why does he get so insecure? I left my job also to move with him because he wasn't ready to wait for another year before I could find something to do there.

Grihani · Aug 12, 2015

So do you believe that it is not an equal partnership, that he is superior as a man in this marriage? Do you believe that his parents are superior and yours have no value just because they are parents of a girl ?

Even if you think so, do you think that is how it should be? Do you think women should allow this kind of thinking to continue in our society and be inferior to men all the time?

If not, put your foot down, tell your husband clearly, parents are the same for man or woman, parents love both sons and daughters equally, and children's love cannot vanish, if his cannot, yours cannot too. Gender does not matter, we are all humans with same emotions.

I was in your shoes too, my husband thought it is the norm for women to let go of their parents, he was always told by his parents that is how DIL's should be, if they go to parents house often it means there is no attachment to in-laws. They still talk like I do a mistake, and yes, even I was brainwashed into believing it, used to have guilty pangs to visit my own parents seeing everybody so unhappy.

It took me sometime to convince myself, and then convince my husband of the unfairness in their thinking. It took many incidents of melodrama at home before he realized I was right, and his parents are wrong.

I was lucky my husband does not think he is superior to me, he just didnt know what he thought was the norm is an unfair, patriarchal practice. We need to show them the mirror and change their thinking.

Tell your husband you want to spend time with your parents, and that you miss that. Keep repeating regardless of his reaction, let him get frustrated, yell, sulk..does not matter. Let him realize you will not accept his thinking. If we accept even the wrongs, we are making them believe they are doing it all right.

Good luck, dont let anyone take control of simple things like these which are in fact your basic rights and basic freedom. If your husband cannot be told that he cannot visit his parents, you cannot be too.