Husband changes around his family

sashie · Feb 13, 2008

hi Ladies, i hope you can help me understand something, when my il's or sil are with us, my husb acts very differently towards me, he doens;t respond much to me, he is very distant. He will even get angry with me for no reason. I have come to the comclusion, that it;s cuz he has to behave like his family, when they are here. When my il's are not here, he can be so caring. It's hard for me to forget how he acts when his family is around, when his parents are here, i just ignore my husb bad behavior, i just keep busy with my kids, but when my ils' are gone, my husb wants me to smile/joke with him, how can i? he thinks that his behavior is ok, and i should just move on. My il;'s will prbably be coming here to live with us, i know that my husb will behave cold towards me all the time once they are here. Anyone one of you have to deal with this?bonkbonk
thanks in advance
sash:hide

asuitablegirl · Feb 13, 2008

hey sashie,

i can relate to your situation. when my il's are with us, my husband takes their side most of the time and will treat me coldly in order to hang on their every word. even my husband is so caring when il's are not around, and also expects me to laugh and joke with him and be happy, but how can i forget how him and his parents treated me? like you, i tried to ignore it, but after posting my story on this website and getting such encouraging messages, i decided to stand up for myself. my husband wanted his parents to come here again in march, and i said NO. after i told him no, things got very bad at home for awhile, but it's getting better and i think he's come to respect my feelings. i think there comes a point when you have to stop sacrificing yourself in the name of pleasing everyone else.

i don't know what your il's are like, so i can't say how you should confront the situation. i ended up giving an ultimatum to my husband.... his parents or me. however my il's are very very abusive, so i don't think they represent the typical il's. i think most family problems can be solved with patience and kindness. :thumbsup

anyways, i just wanted to reply to you to let you know that i've gone through what you're going through, you're not alone, and hope you find a solution to your problem!

susri · Feb 13, 2008

Hi sashi,
Most of the guys use to behave like this. The problem is not with you. Some Mens dont know how to handle his wife and parents at the same time. He definetly loves you. No doubt in this. It seems he is not comfortable in some thing in you, when you are with his parents. First, find out what it is. Keeping busy with your kids is not at all going to help you in any way, :notthatway: infact it will cause a big gap between you and your hubby. Never give up your hubby. He is YOURS. Show your affection..........little more than usual........when your are with your In-laws. Please try. All the best for your happy life. :2thumbsup:

sashie · Feb 14, 2008

hi, thanks for both of your responses. first, i have tried to stand up for myself, and that nearly ended my marriage, of course like you said, husb is on parents side. My il's are very rude and they made a big FUSS over me speaking up to them! they not only told all their relatives about how bad of a dil they have(ME), but they also call routinely and harrass my parents over the phone. Now when they come here to visit, they don;t even tell me, they jsut go straigt to their daughter's house(who live 2 hours away), then they will come here for a few days only(because they don;t like me, but they are very posessive about my kids). my husb knows how much friction there is when his parents are here, but he refuses to let his parents know. He says that everyone will call him a bad son if he doesn;t take care of his parents.AT at the moment his family thinks i am pulling my husb's strings, but it;s not me, he doen;t listen to me at all!
Second, i know what my husb doen;t like in me, it's that i spoke up to his parents, so when his family is here, they tell him how much they are still hurting etc, and then i get the cold treatment from him. he;s very stubborn too. So for now we just try to keep moving forward, i don;t know how else to approach this.
sashbonk

asuitablegirl · Feb 14, 2008

hi sashie, i'm sorry things didn't go well for you when you tried to stand up for yourself. i know how that feels. the situation was so bad with my il's that i was willing to end my marriage, that's why i finally stood up to my husband, i had nothing to lose. i took a risk and things turned out in my favor, but still it's always on my mind that my il's will try to invite themselves over again and again and someday i'm sure they will try to live with us. :hide

i wonder a lot... if men don't want to stand by their wives, if they want to continue to idolize their parents, then WHY get married at all, right? i know everyone loves their parents, but if your attachment to them is so strong that it interferes with your ability to love and respect your spouse, what's the point of marriage? i wish husbands would stop worrying about being a "bad son," and start caring about whether they're being a "good husband."

monlisa · Feb 22, 2008

Well said gal....even I am sailing on the same boat....my in-laws are coming here in April. I am very terrified that how things end up...My husband is always their parent side...he don’t even think about me in any situation...he just argues with me for every thing I did when In-laws are here....He always pin points me in every thing I do...always tell me to do this or that to make their parents happy and ignore every thing that they did ...and gives me lectures that their parents are so great and blah blah...even I ask the same question what is the point of marriage when they can not handle the situations correctly?....he even doesn’t say NO to any thing they do...he wants to be a good son...how about a good husband?

even I stand up for my self at the first time...things gone really worst...but after few months we are back to normal...but be stand up your self what ever happens...if not they do what they like....never considers us in any thing... I always brings those things that their parents did to me in front of my husband...he always goes by his parents side....I am hoping for some change this time...I just raised those topics yesterday. still the same story that their parents are great and blah blah....I know our husbands hurts when we say so....if we don’t say how come they know....I want to be more clear this time...why because they may come again next year ...or so. the same thing happens all the time.....we have to stand out for ourselves….no one is there to help us….. if not they will takes us as default....

manyamanya · Feb 26, 2008

One solutions I can give is when your ils are here, you need to concentrate more on his parents and care them.

And even if husband shouts at you, you can complain to your ils(assuming your ils are good) about your husband

Any good person, feels bad at himself if his/her mother rebukes and he will think what wrong I did and he will try to rectify.

hydgrr · Feb 28, 2008

My husband too acts different in front of my il or sil's family....but i stopped caring.
Even i shall be distant from him during their visit to avoid any hassels and fights after they leave

sunshineinUK · Jul 25, 2008

I too have this problem. Whether my MIL comes here or we go to India. I dont know whats with them. Last time my MIL came, she started telling stories against my 9 yr old son to my husband. Instead of telling her off , he forced my child to apologise to her. The impact was my son started avoiding her and stopped talking to my husband, He kept asking asking me why his dad ignores him nowadays. I tried asking my husband to atleast be normal with my son, but he exploded on me saying I am poisoning his mind......god knows whats with them......its like their family is God. I have given up on a lot of their abhoring behaviour. Mind you its 14 yrs since marriage, not 4 or 5. I have given up hopes on anything changing. Instead I am trying to focus on my son's education and trying to study for some course for myself so I stay busy.

revathib · Jul 25, 2008

Hi Friends,

Even I had the same problem like behaving in a different way when his parents are nearby, but i handled in a different way. I never fight or quarrel with him or with his parents but patiently spoke to my inlaws what sort of problem comes because of whom it can be solved, i will blame myself first and others next.

In this way they also try to understand, after some years they now treat me like their own daughter, now their own son is secondary for them... whatever i say they say she will be right that sort of confidence i have built up. It is very easy to say be patience i know how difficult it is but definetely this way will give you good results.

hope this will help you otherwise think it as your friends experience,

Revathi