Husband being rude to my mother

Wow...this is an awsome trick. But has anyone tried this and got success??

 

Hi Divya,

You have been married for a very short time - three years in a lifetime is very small. Adjustments last a lifetime.

My guess is that as your mom and you had just each other for some time before your marriage, you are very close to each other. Such bonds are very very strong - they contain a desperate holding-on-to-the-remaining-family element that rarely exist otherwise - even when mothers and daughters are close.

Any newcomer in this equation will have a sense of being outside the bond - whether there is an intention to make them feel that way or not. It is very much possible that your husband suffers from this feelings of exclusion.

I do not in any way condone his being rude to your mother. But at the same time, I cannot help wondering if it is not the sense of being outside the closed circle of your bond with your mother, that makes him behave the way he does. You say he loves you a lot and that when you get him to place his mother in the same situation, he seems to understand and make an effort - if only for a day?

Well, how about doing this - try and recall what happened from the time when he seemed to behave better and the time things went back to his being rude and hurtful again? You describe this as being the time after your delivery - could it be that both you and your mother became a unit in your concentration on the baby, with little room for your hubby to be involved?

New motherhood is a time when many mothers and daughters become sort of 'thick as thieves' - interacting so exclusively with each other and the new baby that it excludes everyone and everything else. This is necessary and inevitable as this is when a new mother learns all she can, so as to do a good job looking after her baby when her mother goes back and she has to start looking after the baby alone. More and more, these days, instead of the daughter going to the mother's place for delivery, it is the parents who come to the daughter's place for the delivery. The equation in both these situations is inexplicably different!

For all you know, your natural love for your mother, the unusual closeness created by there being no father or siblings, and the natural intensity of relationship that a new baby and new motherhood generates might be making your hubby feel left-out and insecure. Some men can articulate such feelings and others act out in ways as defense against such feelings. I know my husband felt it all the while I was carrying our first baby - he said, always as a joke, 'you'll forget about me once the baby is born' innumerable times. Luckily, I understood his fears of becoming second in importance in my priorities. And I found ways to involve him in the baby and motherhood in such a way that he understood, that unlike in other fields in life, there can be more than one 'first' in love - love is so infinitely expandable that it can include as many firsts as required.

I don't believe in telling people what they should do - so I will not comment about your question about how you should treat your in-laws when they come. Rather, I would suggest that you think if there is even a remote possibility, that the scenario I have painted here - of fear and insecurity of no longer being first with you - could be the reason behind his bad behaviour.

If there is even a 1-in-a-million chance that it could be so, (and that much probability remains even when we try to give everyone equal importance and attention!), then be magnanimous and let him gain confidence in your love and his place in your priorities. Your decent behaviour with his parents could be the one thing that opens his eyes to his mistake!

Women are capable of stretching themselves infinitely. You can be close to your mother and care about her needs and feelings and at the same time be the cornerstone of your own small family - you can be the bridge that makes traffic between both these close circles run smoothly - all it needs is that you know that both these circles make life good for you.

 

Winpie,

I just love your response.

Super analysis!!:thumbsup

 

Hi
i can fully understand your problem as I have been through the same.Actually when I read your story I felt like I was reading mine.
My mother too had a very tough life with my father leaving us for another woman when I was in my ninth standard.For the last 15 years my mother has toiled to bring us up.Unlike you ,I have a younger brother who is doing his studies.My mother was also with us during my pregnancy for 2 months as I had some complications and needed complete bedrest and then I went with her to my home for my delivery.Everything was fine till then.Soon after my delivery my husband started behaving badly with her,ignoring her and being nice to his relatives and isolating her and my brother.His relatives are never there for him.He doesn't have his mother.She passed away three years back.His father is a diabetic and he stays with us.When I go home,I have to take my FIL along.After my delivery (after my husband mistreated my mother)my FIL stayed with me,my mother and my brother for a month.When it was time for me to go back to our home,he came along with me.My mother also stayed with us for 4 days to help us adjust.When it was time for her to leave,he started his silent treatment and rude talks when we were taking her to the railways station.My mother cried on the station.I can never forgive myself for that.
After 2 months my mother was all alone at her place.My brother had to go for a compulsary trip.Nobody asked her to come over to our place.It pained me but I decided not to pursue it.She went to her sister's place to stay.Two days later our baby's nanny quit suddenly and I was not in a position to take leave.We had to call my mother coz I couldn't manage a baby a diabetic FIL and a home with no help.When my mother came,she was made to sleep in the hall.She did all the chores silently including when his father got ill,in hostile conditions(water was not there as the pump stopped working),took care of the baby, slept outside and never complained .After 4 days,we had to go over to my place as we had the rice ceremony of our baby.My mom's place has 2 rooms.One was given to us and one to his father.After the ceremony,on our way home,he had his brother and wife in the car along with my mother and brother.He was planning to bring them to my mom's place without even telling her.On the way when we understood that they were being brought to her place,my mother stopped the car,got down from it ,went to a store and got some milk for making tea for them.My husband didn't even think of getting down and giving her company.My brother could not get down as he was behind us and needed one of us to get up for him to get out.After my BIL and wife left my husband started his 'ignoring my mother' series and she burst into tears outside my house.I argued with him a lot on that day and finally made them talk to each other.But on the next day we had to leave(Me my baby my husband and FIL) to our place and I cried all the way.My husband was totally unsympathetic.I am not able to forgive him for that as much as I try.I have behaved well to his Father till this day.To all those who think that my mother would have meddled in our affairs-she hasn't meddled in our lives to an extent that when my hubby had to go for a business trip abroad,I stayed with my FIL alone and took care of him when he was fainting outside my door in the night.I had to go for work,do the chores at home and even shop for grocery and stuff.
Even I think of ending my marriage with him but when I think about my kid I shudder.

 

Magic82,

I feel so sorry for your mother that she has to put up with all this. The next time your husband misbehaves with your mother, do not argue. Start giving him the silent treatment and let him feel the pinch. He has no right to use and throw your family like that. I think he is taking advantage of the fact that there is nobody on your side who can defend you stronly.

 

Dear Divya,

You have received so much valuable responses from our friends here... I just would like to share my 2 cents based on my personal experience and hope this would help you to solve your problems.

I have personally faced the same issues with my DH recently. He is a wonderful husband with lots and lots of love and care. I would say, he is my second mom - That much he takes care of me like a kid.

Though we fight regularly for silly matters, we also patch up with hugs and kisses immediately, so we don't have any major issues in our married life.

My husband is a very nice person - There is no doubt... But his broughtup (the way he grew up at his parent's home) was so bad.
In my FOO, I have been raised up with lots of good manners, good behaviours and respect to others. It is our first priority. We even treat a begger with love and respect. That's how our parents have taught us.

But my in-laws are completly opposite to that. My FIL never respected my MIL or his sons as human beings. My MIL never showed affection towards his sons, rather she keeps on complaining and comparing the sons.
There is no affection or love between brothers. They don't even talk to each other with mutual respect and affection. But both my BILs are very good human beings.

Due to their bad family practice and childhood, my DH used to get angry for even a smaller matter. He doesn't know how to adjust, he doesn't know how to respect elders, he doesn't know how to use respectful words and how to agree to disagree in a decent way.
Rather, he straight forwardly use sharpe words and harsh actions to show his disagreements... No matter who is infront of him... He will behave the same.

I know his inner self and outer self very much, and I know the reson behind his harshness/ bad behaviours. So I wouldn't take them much seriously. At times, I get hurt and fight with him too... But it doesn't last for more than a day. Its not our biggest issue.
Basically I am strongest woman, so I can handle such words or behaviours bit easily.

But my Mom or younger sister are so decent ladies with polite and good manners. They haven't even heard such hard words in their life before, so when and where they hear such comments from my DH or in-laws, they get mad and cry all day along. They don't know how to give diplomatic but mean response to those harsh people, rather they get shattered and remain quite or get upset.
It makes me sad all the time, but I couldn't stop them interacting with my DH and in-laws na?

So, my response was:-

I asked my mom and sister to accompany either my brother or cousin whenever they visit my in-laws (my bro and cousin are bit talkative and strongest fellows, who could handle them very well). Or asked them to visit when I am around. So, I can manage them easily with my tactful words.

Also I asked my mom to grow strong and showed her the other side of the world. The people who did not study in convents, did not have a decent family background, and did not have a good childhood would behave negatively (though not everyone) and we need to tackle them too. Since me and my brother have travelled a lot and interacted with various types of people, we have no issues over this, but it is indeed a huge issue for my soft natured mom.

So, kindly ask your mom to grow stronger and defend herself with tactful words and actions. You too can help/teach her to deal such issues diplomatically. Also let her know how nice your DH otherwise and the reason behind his problems. Moreover, teach your DH some good manners and disciplines on how to respect elders (specially in-laws) and how to have some sympathy on an elderly single mom.

Don't let your mom to suffer... at the same time don't make your in-laws to feel bad,, Treat them nicely and teach your DH on how to treat elders by this chance.

 

hello ladies,
this happens in everyones life.....every husband feel their inlaws are depending on them.....they dont consider their wifes parents as one of their family member...but always insists their wife tht they shld take care of his mom and dad..this is nature of man and no one can break it....and guys....there may be some exemptions very rarely..i dont mention evryone...almost 95 % of guys are doin this...like wise it was i who took care of my hubbs mother while she was in her death bed...my mom she did everything to me while i was pregnant and my dau was born...yet he never respects her...he always finds fault with my mother...and me i luv my mom...she was married to an irresponsible man(my dad) she grew me and my sis up educated us wid the help of her parents and bro(my grand father and uncles),my dad is jst staying in the house....in tht case he has to look after my mom lke his mom....he knew evrything abt my family and problems...but jst pretend tht he doesnt knw anything and always want me to give preference to his father and family..its all lyf u knw...but i dont knw how long vl a women face this sort of lyf ....:hide:

 

I heared that mosltly U.S girls are facing this problem.The parents and in law's are only visiters,and the boys and girls are taking responsibility.
With in india this kind of problem will not come because the girl shoud go to the mother place for delivery and she will be happily enjoying and the husband is visiter.So he must do respect in law's.The indians are taking delivery in U.S. only reason for green card.So ultimately the parents and in law's are so suffering for their children after marriage also.All their relations doesn't know they thought they are going enjoy with children in U.S.But The elders doing lots lots work they are depending children to go out.no friends no relations.no servents.Obviously they get irritataed and fight each simple reason.
DON'T FIGHT YOUR HUSBAND.THIS IS THE PRICE YOU GIVEN FOR GREEN CARD.DEFENETLY YOUR MOTHER WILL NOW UNDERSTAND YOUR LOVE YOU MUST LIVE YOUR HUSBAND HAPPILY.YOU JUST DISCUSS WHEN HE IS FREE IN MENTALLY POINT THIS.HIS PARENTS ALSO LIKE YOUR MOTHER THEY ALSO COME BY VISITERS.THIS ISSUE IS NOT RELATED TO THEM?
When you go india in holidays enjoy with your mom.Call frequently and enquire her health and update her activities.This is what you give happy to your mother.:thumbsup
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A different perspective and one which makes lot of sense. :thumbsup

Though I must say if a person wants to give respect to inlaws , he can give it anywhere, and one who does not give respect will do the same in India too. But I agree with you, familiarity breeds contempt .