Husband being rude to my mother

Divya

As far as you trying to be concerned about your mom is well and good! So when you know your husbands basic nature i.e he is good person then tell your mom the same thing. Ask her to be a bit more strong! To be a bit understanding and tolerant of your husband. Every person has their shortcomings so treat this as your husbands shortcoming. Let your mom know that he cares for you so much and just that he feels a bit over possessive about you so he keeps talking some crap sometimes! Am sure your mom would understand this. Also its on you not to make all this big in your head or in your actions infront of your mom. You are supposed to brush it off and tell her that dont mind what he says! he really is not a bad guy!

coming to your inlaws visit, please treat them well! they dont have to go through what your mom felt isnt it?? also I understand we are not saints, sometimes we get upset and angry too, but you being the lady of the house! you should be more graceful and matured than him from which he has to learn ! Yes like spidey said..lead by example! atleast you would be glad that you treated them well doesnt matter whether he learns it or not! you be nice because you are nice!!! Good luck and do not worry too much about all the past things!

 

Divya, You have received wonderful feedback from some of the ILites , here is my two cents.
Even though you guys are married for 3 years it appears the in-law relationships are still very new, you mentioned you are going to be staying with your in-laws for the first time during their forthcoming visit, same probably goes with your husband who spent real and continous stay-time with your mom for the first time, maybe just maybe he felt a tad insecured to see you all concerned and wound up about your mom and felt a bit left out and was unable to express it to you but was instead building up his frustration and directed towards your mom. Now if you too build up your frustration you will take it out on people around you which will lead to more stress. Such misunderstandings are common in the early years of relationships. But since you are deeply hurt and like someone else too suggested have a clear talk with your DH and explain to him why you are defensive about your mom and what hurt you most about his behaviour, at this time you can even point out how you are planning to be welcoming and respectful towards his parents.This will give him an added reason to open up to you and let you know if he indeed has any insecurities.
Moms are usually very forgiving i am sure the next time you see her she would have already put this past her. Try to help your mom and husband bond without putting pressure on anyone. Time heals and before you know it they will have a more understanding relationship. In the meanwhile you too try to use your in-laws visit to bond with them, don't hold what DH did to your mom against them. You don't have to bend over backwards to please them, just be youselves and try to not associate your DH's behaviour with your mom to yours with his parents. These are all very important
relationships that should not be experimented with. God bless.

 

Divya if your husband is reasonable then there must be some reason why he is being rude towards your mother. He may have carried over some incorrect notions about your mother right from the time of marriage, or he may have overheard her telling something about him or his parents not necessarily bad etc. I would suggest you find an appropriate moment and ask him why he is behaving such way and the reasons behind it. Tell him that your mother likes him a lot, feels him as her son and would want to have a friendly (if not cordial) relationship with him.

I believe these kind of situations arise mostly because of misunderstandings and misreading words.

 

Your MOTHER is your highest priority? I can see how that would have gone down with your husband.

Secondly, tit for tat rarely works. In fact, it frequently backfires on you. If you have a problem with how your husband treated your mother, then the mature way of dealing with it would be to confront your HUSBAND and to show him where and how he is wrong. But to take it out on his parents in an attempt to hurt him for hurting your mother - first of all, this behavior is uncalled for because your in-laws have not hurt you, and, second of all, this will only worsen the relationship between you and your husband and your mother. What if your husband also thinks like you and decides to ill-treat your mother even more as 'revenge' for how you treated his parents when they were here? Where does this vicious cycle stop? Now, this does not mean that you have to bend over backwards to accommodate any and every demand from your in-laws but you do need to be cordial and civil to them when they visit, if they are pleasant and nice to you!

Misbehaving towards people who are nice to you in just plain rude and unacceptable. In addition to being boorish behavior, you would have ruined your relationship with your in-laws and lost their love and understanding for good because you mistreated them for no fault of theirs. What, next?

Instead of making your husband - mother relationship better, your current 'plan' will only make it worse. It might even affect your marriage and cause your husband to resent your behavior, just like you are now resenting his behavior towards your mother. Two wrongs are two wrongs, not one right.

So, my suggestion is for you to sit down your husband, tell him that his behavior towards his mother is wrong and that he needs to apologize to her (if needed and if he was truly 100% at fault). Also, never ever yell / shout at your spouse in front of a third-party (even if third-party is a parent). Just like he should never let you down in front of HIS parents, you should never let him down in front of yours. Whatever disagreements / fights you have, you should keep it in private, while showing a united, public front.

 

Have you ever asked him WHY he doesn't want your mom to be a part of your lives?

Tell him unless their can be equality in how all the parents in the family are treated, non should be visiting the house. In all fairness.

 

I like ur point. Good one.

 

Hi Divya

How did you let ur DH talk rudely with your Mom? Why did not you make a big issue out of it? Why did not some big fight happened over it? Did your Mom do something terribly wrong? Even if she did, DH shud sort the matters out with u and not her.

How are u so cool with the fact that DH ill-respeted ur Mom, ur Mom has left ur home and u r still not sorted this thing out with ur DH. If ur DH is short tempered, then is it justifiable to talk rude?

I dont know what heart u r made of that wud make u respect ur ILs- who knows ILs might have a role to play in this rude behaviour frm DH.

Tit for Tat policy always works coz

1) It helps hurting party to realize the taste of thier own medicine..

2) It nips things in the bud. It will make sure that no one treats u / ur folks badly again....

If u dont follow tit for tat, u risk getting hurt again, being taken for granted, losing ur piece of mind.

I am not asking u to disrespect ur ILs, bring ur DH on the table and let him know u r not going to let this happen again. Doest it make u fume?
If any one spoeaks with my mom in loud voice, He is going to get a nice big slap frm me.. although my DH hasnt ever done that, but my FIL has tasted some stuff frm me over phone when he tried doing that- so NIP IT IN THE BUD, unless u want more such episodes

tc

 

"Whereas if you're married to somebody who thinks their parents are the priority, how can you trust them with your future? You can't. Because if their parents exploit their love, or demand beyond what is reasonable... chances are, your spouse will not be able to say 'no', even if it hurts YOU"
This is exactly my case. My MIL (rather call her Mother-Out-Law) has that kind of power over my husband. When she comes to stay with us or otherwise doesnt spare a single chance to be nasty to me. She even talks ill about me to the maid. After 5 yrs I have realized that its a waste of time to take anything she says to heart. I would go insane if I even listen to her. My husband turns a deaf ear if I tell him about how she behaves with me. In the beginning he didnt believe me, because she used to be very loving infront of him. Now...when I tell him he does realize that I am talking sense, however he says that he cant say anything to her. Fight your own battle he says. It feels bad to hear someone critisize you all the time and never have anything good to say to you, however, I have learnt to ignore. I have made her a non-existent entity in my life..sad! but can't help it.I have got to live and carry on...its my life!:cheers

 

Another classic case for reverse psychology. Instead of doing the same thing to his parents like he did to your mother, do the reverse. Take extreme - and I mean to the extreme care of his parents. Get them water, cook their favorite meals, take them for walks etc etc. And after every appreciation from them say, "Nothing about it, Xxxxx also took care of my mother as nicely as I am taking care of you" and then turning around to him, "Isn't it ?".
And keep pointing out this fact almost everyday, "Xxxx is such a good person, he took care of my mother well".
And then when you retire at night, refuse to discuss the topic with your husband - give him the cold shoulder.
If you can call your mother, do so in the presence of your in-laws. And after talking to your mother, hand over the phone to your husband as well. I bet you that he'll be forced to talk sweet to your mother.
Try this for just a fortnight and see the difference. :thumbsup