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Husband and Wife working in Different States - Is it doable?

Discussion in 'General Discussions - USA & Canada' started by MOM 2 BE, Apr 5, 2014.

  1. MOM 2 BE

    MOM 2 BE Senior IL'ite

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    Hi IL's,

    I wanted to know a couple things about couple working in different states in the US.

    1. Is this Manageable ? How do you do it ?
    2. How often do you guys meet ?
    3. How do you share the kids responsibility (if having 2 kids) ?
    4. Do you get any kind of help with cooking, kids care etc at home in the evenings and during weekend ?
    5. How do kids fare with this arrangement ?
    6. Does it affect the kids schooling ?

    Please advice and suggest anything else that you think I should know.

    Thanks.
     
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  2. Nitha J

    Nitha J IL Hall of Fame

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    I know a few couples like that.

    One of my relative's friend had the similar situation. Lady used to come home on weekends. The husband took care of the kids (both boys). His job was comparatively flexible than hers. They were in the "two states" mode for 3-4 years.
    Another is my husband's colleague. Two kids, one kid is with husband's family in India, the second kid is with the mother's family. Husband works in NY, wife in Colorado (not sure). Not a desirable situation, but each to his own.
     
  3. my2angels

    my2angels Silver IL'ite

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    Yes.....I have also seen couples like this. In some cases the couples don't have kids. Somehow I feel if you don't have kids then it is little easier.

    If you have kids it becomes little tougher for the mom and even the dad at times. I do think its manageable but not without missing those precious moments with family.

    If this situation comes the husband and wife should decide what is best for the kids and all the decisions revolve around them. Hence I said if there are no kids, it is little easier to do so
     
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  4. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    I do know two persons doing this. I would not mind such an arrangement for short term ( may be 6 months to a year), it may be fuin for a while. However, a long term arrangement may take its toll on me

    One couple husband in NYC and the other near Toronto, Canada.
    Another couple husband in NJ and wife in California.

    It is doable but you need planning. Use technology to your advantage for keeping in touch. I know that the couples meet once a month. One person needs to establish the "base" and the other needs to keep travelling regularly to this "basE".
     
  5. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    For almost a year, me & DH were having "long distance" relationship, and I resolved never to do it again (not more than 2-3 months, due to his work nature). We didnt have kids though, so it was Ok.
    My cousin sister's DH is in another country, and she suffers with 2 kids. With kids, you need to think of below aspects as well
    1. Kids miss the Dad too
    2. Kids can get unruly, as Moms tend to give them a bit more love to compensate Dad's absence, and same he does when he comes over too..
    3. Need to plan for Kid's pickup & drop timings
    4. Personal time suffers.
    5. Relationship suffers too.

    Long term.. NO !

    Short team, if no choice, we all will always make things work :) Good luck !
     
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  6. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Well, I am not into the above category by my cousin and aunt did that.from their experience..

    cousin

    1)Little tough but doable.
    2) once in 3 months
    3)they did not have kids at that time
    4) well..she did everything by herself or had a takeout.
    5)N/A
    6)N/A


    Aunt

    1)very very tough
    2)once a year
    3) very tough to do everything by herself.she had 2 kids plus they were also above 8 yrs
    4) food was not a problem BECAUSE the kids were very adjusting
    5)they quite managed but not happy
    6)yes
    The thing is from her exp and from some others I know it is totally doable BUT it is emotionally and physically tough,kids education might not suffer,but is it worth it?that is the question.
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2014
  7. KavithaUS

    KavithaUS Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    We are in similar setup...husband is in travelling job. He comes home only during weekends or sometime only fortnightly. I have 2 young kids < 3yrs old. Technically I am a single mom with fulltime IT job :)

    Luckily I have a very flexible work/ hours at work. I also have paid helper who helps me out with house works once in a mid-week.She is expensive but very much worth the money -me not spending my premium time on those chores. Instead I am fully focused onto kids and my professional work.

    When DH is around the he takes full in charge of everything and I mean everything. He lets me sleep :) love him.
    We do skype calls every night before kids bed time. So its their routine now-eat their dinner, bath and wear their favorite pajamas to see daddy in laptop. My DD shows her drawing/craft works she did in the preschool that day to her daddy. So far this set up is working our family. But I have no plans to keep it longer than a year or 2.

    We are in Boston, this winter was very horrible, I think I need more sunshine. Taking everything upon myself has started taking toll on my health. I would love to move to warmer climate and hoping DH can get a job in his field which does not involve extensive travel.



    Again- its tough but certainly doable in when spouses are in different location (keep it for shorter term though). All the best.
     
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  8. Priya4oct

    Priya4oct Gold IL'ite

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    I did this 2 times ..1st time for 1 month and second time for 3 month. I was in India with full time IT job and DH was in USA. For the 1st time it was ok , not much difficult as DD was 8 month old only and I had my SIL for 15 days and my mom for 15 days..so was easy.

    For the second time...it was very very difficult as DD was 2.5 year old and was understanding everything. She was missing my DH very badly...she was going to a full time daycare so day time was OK..after daycare (specially pick-up time) she was asking everyday when daddy will come...for the initial few days I was giving her execuse like daddy went office...he came but you already slept though he was speaking her everyday and on skype every Friday, Sat and Sunday.

    After 2 weeks, she understood that daddy is not coming..so whenever she see any of her school friends father in school at pick-up and drop-up time, she start crying. Even in the evening, when she was going to play with her friends and see thier fathers coming back from office, she was getting vry emotional. I still remember one instance when one of her friend's father came from office and her friend ran toward his daddy to sit in front of bike...she got very emotional ..her friend's father asked her to join and sit in bike but she said no...but for that day she was very upset..didn't eat and play well...after this instance I called my DH and asked him to come back asap..he too got very emotional.

    That it's 7 month for this instance and still I can't forget ..it's big NO for me to stay alone.
     
  9. MOM 2 BE

    MOM 2 BE Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you all so very much for shedding light and sharing your experiences for my post. Appreciate all your input and it sure does help a lot.
    Thanks again. God Bless!
     

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