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Husband And Sil (husband Sister)

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Sep 28, 2017.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    My husband is a very independent guy. Sometimes it hurts me a lot as he gets involved in all the aspects of family except cooking and cleaning (lol).

    He takes care of all the outside bill pays, finances anything related to money as a man of the house.

    So, in this regard i should be taking care of women things like gifting, maintaining relations with family and all the nuisances that comes along with it , i should be handling them

    he gets involved a lot especially for things related to sil, mil or fil..but never on anything related to my side of the family...i dnt like this at all mainly because then my sil and mil thinks he is the main one and they ignore me and even hurt me intentionally as it wnt affect anything we gift them or how we talk to them.
    my mil have said this to me on my face couple of times that no matter what their son will do anything for them. Knowing that, it does not matter how they treat me or my kids since their son will be the same...i will give few examples that are recent ...

    1. my sil did not send any gift on christmas or my kids bday to kids...but her kid would get it on christmas, bday etc since my husband will be involved and he will make sure to send it...if it was me, i would also not send her kid a bday gift or christmas gift so that she knows that it works both ways....but now since my husband gets involved, it does not matter .....


    2. my mil, becomes very miser for me and our kids...if a relative gives the money to kids, she keeps it...my husband does not find that wrong , i do...and he corrects me in front of mil as well...which makes her do this everytime....my husband opinion is that mil is right in keeping the cash since she has to give it to thier kids too but my opinion is when i'm giving cash to your bua and she is giving it to my kids, i should keep it and buy something for kids from that ...i'm also giving it to the aunt not mil...

    earlier i used to call my sil on a regular basis and maintain relationship with her. my sil was not interested too much in calling us ...now slowly my husband felt jealous of my close relationship with my sister and started calling sil a lot by himself behind my back..he even text her a lot and all the texts are initiated by him and then she replies back...with this going on this year, i feel that my relationship with sil is reducing a lot as she just calls him all the time now knowing that brother will immediately cater to her reasonable or unreasonable demands....i'm nt happy with this set up but dnt know how to explain this to my husband that firstly his mom ignored me as a family and now my sil is also going to do the same thing because you give them the right to think that I have no opinion or saying in our house and its him they have to keep happy....

    I feel that as the women of the house i should be maintaining relationships and people should deal with me directly ...brother and sister should talk but by maintaining this relationship behind my back, things are not going fair....he calls my sil and mil when i'm not around and now they both do the same as well....

    how should i handle this ? in my house and my inlaws too both the mothers handle the talking, gossiping with buas, massis or other aunts...here my husband is doing all the talking and gossiping with my mil and sil and my presence is literally not required...i feel he is not presenting me in front of my mil and sil as the lady of the house and is taking my spot there as well...my inlaws have no importance left of me since evrything is done by their son or brother....
     
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  2. KavyaKMV

    KavyaKMV New IL'ite

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    Such a difficult situation. I remember my mom having the same issues as my dad used to do similar things. Luckily, my husband is not that bad.
    My sister and I felt like outcasts as my cousins (dad's nieces) were treated like angels by my grandmother (dad's mom), dad's sisters and my father. I will never forget it, though I have forgiven them.
    I don't have a solution. I suggest you actually start ignoring them if you think it's not necessary that you maintain good relationships with them. It will save you a lot of time and effort. Some things are beyond our control.
     
  3. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    You husband is to be blamed for this.

    But why aren't you behaving like a son in law. Let him talk to his parents and sister. You read books or have positive time. Won't you feel bored listening to their gossips. That's where the problem starts. Behave like a son in law. Let him talk, let him handle. Run away and don't listen to what they are talking.
     
    Sunshine04, Dishaa and sindmani like this.
  4. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Maintaining relationship with non-blood relations takes lots of efforts. Initiating is one thing, maintaining is another hassle..as any minor slipups will again strain the relationships..
    Which route do u want to go?
    1. Take efforts to connect with inlaws and show patience lifelong to deal with them.. which is mostly one way as they are ok with you not talking to them at this point.
    2. Or stay out of the mil-dh-sil drama. If you are doing ur best with ur family(ur dh and kids), they will eventually come to you.. and i dont think a guy can handle his mom and sis for long(the strings attached comes with its own price).

    And dont expect ur H to take care of ur parents and siblings. Its not in the DNA of guys , to tend to wife's family. You talk to ur ppl, take care of them, visit them, etc
     
    Parijatham1234 likes this.
  5. dollysonpari

    dollysonpari Silver IL'ite

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    As our IL friends suggested ignore this issue.. Even im facing similar issue with my husband , my inlaws wanted to talk with my husband when im not around.. so that they can comment about me or create some bad impression on me , so that my husband does not emotionally get attached towards me and my kid.. Its just the possessiveness of men's family in general..

    As every one said its out of control and you really cant do anything much about it.. You too dont talk in front of your husband or inlaws to ur family members.. Dont feel that these people are insulting you or ignoring you... Feel free and you dont have much commitments towards them and they have given you the freedom to live with "Peace of Mind".. Dont stress urself for those gossips from ur Inlaws side..
     
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmmm.. I think he may be the possessive kind when it comes to his mom n sis. Since he jumped behind your back to talk to his sis when you started getting close. Or jealous or insecured.

    Regarding the materialistic things, 'you' stop giving to bua n relatives n let your mil give since she's the one taking it from them. Going by your hubby's dialogue itself, Whenever she takes, ask her to give next time.

    Regarding the sil's mil's gifts, you ask if they aren't giving since your dh is giving without fail. About this, either your dh will listen to you if you torture him enough or you jus give up n let it go. Some daughters/ sons jus like giving n giving to their families regardless of anything. You gift your family too, why should they be left out.

    About then talking behind your back, that happens almost every where. It's not necessarily a good or bad thing, jus depends on the people. So let them, similarly you talk to yours too.

    Regarding portraying you as an equal member, your dh has to do that. Explain to him that even the kids will suffer in the future due to this behavior because his family will treat them secondary to his sisters kids n not as equals. N ask him to start noticing how your kids n your sis's kids are treated even right now. Point out to all the little things, but convey softly. Because he should realize this himself.

    If you are disrespected, stand up for yourself if he won't. Walk away or say your piece. Don't yell, shout, fight, stand tall, convey your message in a clear n precise manner.

    If your dh jus enjoys the gossiping n talking with his family n relatives, you join in too. Most of my dh's side gossips comes from my mil to dh n dh to me. N my side, mom to me, me to dh. So figure out a way to make it work for you. N you be very active with your parents side too.
     
    September2015 and sindmani like this.
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Let him take care of his side of the family.
    You take care of your side.
    Think like this,he has freed you from a task most people find stressful. You have more time and peace of mind to deal with your immediate family and your birth family.

    As for gifts ,unless they are very expensive and cutting into your budget and saving,don't worry about it. Concentrate on savings and investment for your immediate family instead.

    If mil tales away the money given to kids,you compensate for it by taking them out for a treat. You let your mil pay back the money when it is turn to give money.

    If you feel husband gifts excessively,ask him to buy gifts for your kids and you too .Go with him and choose good stuff.
    If he has to gift you all too every time he buys gifts for sil and her family,he may reduce it to reasonable limits.
     
    sumalynux and sindmani like this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I believe you take care of your side of the relationship completely, and your H doesn't involve in that much.
    Looks like, you have a pretty close relationship with your sister & folks.
    So, it is ok if he does the same with his folks. I think this is what works in this case.
    Because, you tried to maintain some relationship with your PILs family, but it did not work beyond a point.
    But now, it works very well, since your H maintains it.

    Your narration about your own case, brought back memories of my marriage life.
    In fact, I too believed a woman should keep & maintain all the relationships because my own mom was in charge when it comes to relationship in my FOO.
    My dad often took a back seat and always concentrated on financial and outside matters.
    Off late, we had a very minimal and soured relationship with our dad's side of the family and the vacuum became too huge. Dad never bothered about it (at least he appeared so).
    Mom would bend over backward and please her side of the FOO, even though they may be unreasonable sometimes. So, we had a very powerful bond with them all the time.
    As we grew up, we understood who deserved to be in our life, and cut off the undeserving relationships whenever they showed indifference.
    This way, we were able to bring back many of dad's side relatives, while almost all my mom's side relatives are distanced from us now.
    This is when I realized, it is important that both man and woman must take initiatives to keep up/maintain the relationship with their respective FOO.

    My husband has his own equations with his FOO, which may seem unreasonable to me.
    Many a times, my MIL would keep the cash and gifts which are given to my kids by her side of the people. This irritates me to the core. But my H reasons with them, and doesn't think it was wrong.
    So, I leave it at that.
    I don't overdo anything with them, and they don't over value anything about me (other than their son's wife) either.

    Same goes with my FOO.
    Sometimes my mom and bro can be very unreasonable too. If I am a different person, I may cut off all the ties with my FOO.
    Since I was born with them, I easily let go of their mistakes by looking at their good heart in a bigger picture.
    I lived with them for years, I know their love and short temperament and other weaknesses too. So, I overlook the problems. They too bend over backward, and amend things with me later on. I know this would happen.
    So, maintaining my side of the relationship by myself works for me. Had we tried otherwise (me with his FOO and he with mine), my children would have ended up having no extended family members in life.
    But thankfully, my children are pampered by both sets of relatives so dearly.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  9. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    thank you so much ladies for the direction..you guys are the best...

    i will follow up your advice and let husband deal with his side of the family...but i'm really sad inside...

    i have so many questions that come up to my mind all the time...

    why is he not realizing that his parents are sister make fool of him and try to grab money in some way or toher from him all the time..

    why dnt he realize that his mom does nothing for me and our kids and him as well...and how can he ignore that treatment for kids..how come he never feels bad that his mom or sister do not do anything for kids but if dnt do one thing , i become a villian in his mind...
     
  10. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Great advice
     

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