1. Have an Interesting Snippet to Share : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Husband, A Mummy's Boy Phenomenon - A Matter Of Grave Concern!

Discussion in 'Wednesdays with Varalotti' started by varalotti, Mar 13, 2007.

  1. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,236
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks Chitrajan!

    Hi Chitrajan,

    I like your innocene when you say "I dont get it". But honestly Chitra, thats how the human mind functions. People who complain of corruption in their leaders, when they become leaders, become even more corrupt. MILs who vow that they would never harm their DILs tend to become the most sadistic MILs.

    You have rightly pointed out the issue of money. As a chartered accountant, father, son and son-in-law I think I am competent to address at least this money issue.

    When you are living as a joint family you first openly talk about the common expenses and your own personal expenses. And their have a discussion and decide how common expenses are to be shared. Then for the rest of the transactions better pay even if it is your own parents.

    Though in our house we have a lot of MIL-DIL issues I have seen to it that money does not become an issue. I and my Dad have an agreement about sharing common expenses. For all other expenses we reimburse each other if one has spent for the other.

    Of course once in a way I take them out for a treat. Then I spend. And my father not to be left out, would take us out for a treat. He spends. But for this each one of us keep the money we earn to ourselves.

    Between us brothers and sisters when we want to do something together we pool our resources. When we brothers decide to gift our only sister, we decide on the gift ask one of the brothers to buy that while the other two will give their share.
    If money is thus ruled out of relationships, we can focus on other deeper problems.
    Thanks once again, Chitra.
    varalotti
     
    1 person likes this.
  2. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,236
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    You did not bore us, Varloo!

    Dear Varloo,

    You have not bored us with your story. You have made us think again. Your situation is quite pathetic.

    At times one has to be brutally frank. Like you Varloo I too blame the Tamil cinema for their foolish mother sentiments. I respect, adore and love my mother. But that does not mean that her deeds are beyong criticism.

    My close friend who was also the last son in the family like your husband, actually fought with his mother on behalf of his wife and walked out of the family. He used to tell that you can respect and love your mother only when she behaves like a mother. But when she does not she is another ordinary person like you and me and her words and actions are to be judged only in that context.

    As you rightly said after a while it is too late to reform a HAMB. So the option available is just to get on with the life having the son's interest in mind. I am sure your DIL will get a much fairer deal with you than you had with your MIL. But make them live alone. And visit them once a while. That is the best way you can show your affection to your son.

    Thanks Varloo for your participation. You made our hearts heavy with your story.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
  3. vaidehi401

    vaidehi401 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: Thanks Vaidhehi!


    Dear Sridhar,

    401 doesnt mean much, except that it points to 4/01 -- first of April, on which a fool was born :))
     
  4. chitrajan

    chitrajan Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    273
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Mr. Sridhar,

    Thanks for the reply. Once we are clear on money matters, I think all other issues get resolved by themselves. Be it a family consisting of father and son or between brothers, there should be a clear understanding about the expense issues.

    As for being affectionate to each other, one cannot expect that two people to start loving each other from day one. Only through to interaction on a regular basis, love and affection can be developed between two different personalities vying for the same object of affection. There are many ways to strengthen a relationship than to resort to cunning and rivalry.

    The MIL feels that she can exercise her rights on the son, the DIL is trying to acquire her rights and in this catfight it is the poor husband who gets caught in between and as a result is forced to take one person's side and face the wrath of both anyway.

    But if more people like your friend stand up for the person who is correct, there will definitely be an improvement in the situation.

    And last but not least, cinemas and TV serials :evil: showing both the MILs and DILs as villains are should be banned.

    Just a small thought from me which I hope is correct -- I would welcome your views - ILites
     
  5. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,654
    Likes Received:
    175
    Trophy Points:
    155
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Varalotti,

    I don't have anything new and improved (or depraved) to add to this discussion. But I am not going to lose a chance to vent my spleen. If this neanderthal creature, HAMB as he is called, is old enough to hold a job, marry and procreate- then he should be old enough to be an equal opp entity and give his mom and wife equal opps to boss over him.

    Of all the deficiencies that a wife has to live with in a husband, HAMB must be the worst. I feel that in this situation, all blame solely rests on this jelly fish- the husband. He clearly has a problem in negotiating the relationships and identities in his life.

    It is all too easy to blame the MiL in this case. In blatant cases, where members have stated how they were oppressed, the MiL is clearly to blame. And it is her insecurity, her control freakiness that makes her the Mother in Lawdzilla. But final responsibility rests on the husband. He should know how to make both is mom and wife feel that they are important. Not in a phoney sense, but honestly.

    Real or figurative absence of a father figure will definitely create a HAMB. But even with strong paternal authority, HAMBs will still be moulded over the years. There really is no rhyme or reason why some husbands end this way.

    Often, HAMBS progress from the moms control to the wife's control in later life. We see sons of single moms. The mom works hard in her job, she toils at home, she alternates between mom and dad for her son, makes him a person. If she has succeeded in giving him the right attitudes and values (in which case, she has them herself in the first place), then he will be able to keep both his mom and wife happy after he marries. But such sons are prone to two dangers. Either they remain as mamma's boys and priorotise the mom, ignoring the wife. Or they trade one woman's control for another's, follow their wives and ignore their mothers. Being henpecked is just the other side of the image of the HAMB.

    Servitude in spirit is congenital, I guess. In the end, we teach people how to treat us, I guess informed!!!

    :wave
    Vidya
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2007
  6. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,236
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    You summed up for us, vidya

    Dear Vidya,

    I first thought of leaving your post unreplied because there could not be a more apt conclusion to the week-long discussion we have been having on this "neanderthal creature" the HAMB.

    Yesterdays women might have either tolerated a HAMB phenomenon silently or would have clearly converted him into a wife's man making him to neglect his mother later in life. But todays women are not for such compromises. And they dig all the information about their husband during the period courtship itself. And if they find even a trace of incompatibility they do not hesitate to reject the boy - though he may be as handsome as Madhavan and as rich as Bill Gates.

    I am happy that none of the women (in spite of the fact that some of them were old enough to be mothers-in-law) and the men (two of us were there for this discussion) have expressed any sympathy towards the HAMB. Everyone was busy advising the girl as to the method of tackling (read: throw out) a HAMB.

    When women are not so desperate about their marriage, when women prefer spinsterhood to being married to a HAMB, then slowly this disgusting specie would become extinct. And then and only then, will our celebration of womans day be meaningful.
    regards,
    Varalotti
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2007
  7. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,654
    Likes Received:
    175
    Trophy Points:
    155
    Gender:
    Male
    Varalotti,

    At last, finally, validation from Varalotti!!!!! Needless to say, am treading on white,fluffy clouds----

    cheers!
    Vidya
     
  8. Ushakrishnan64

    Ushakrishnan64 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    925
    Likes Received:
    78
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Sridhar,
    yes...after a long silence....your professional colleague is here again..I was quietly following the HAMB phenomenon. HAMB...not an extinct species??

    In this modern world, is it not hard to find HAMB? Am I a wrong sample to this debatable topic? I have not faced or seen HAMB's so far (hard to believe??:tongue )

    In my opinion, DIL is an all powerful entity who can win over the hearts of her husband/ MIL/ other in-laws. In the modern world, the girl and boy fall in love to get married, sometimes even outside the sect/ community. Even in such cases, I have found harmony in the family.

    Eagerly awaiting your reaction,
    Regards
    USHA
     
  9. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,236
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    Welcome, Dear Professional Colleague!

    Dear Usha,

    Well, HAMB is not an extinct specie, at least of now. There are endangered species; but HAMB is an endangering specie, if that word can be used.

    In the part of the world I live, I still find HAMBs. May be, Usha, I live in a not so well-developed world.

    But one thing is for sure. The HAMBs of those days use to be so gross and obvious. They are now subtle and silent but the effect is the same. Even sons of working moms at times develop into HAMBs.

    Yes, Usha, you are a professional. You are an intelligent woman who can win over the in-laws. Or may be your inlaws are good.

    But I still find women caught in the clutches of in-laws. And in such cases HAMB might be the culpirit. I just wanted to throw light on that specie.

    I did miss you.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
  10. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,236
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    After HAMB, It's Time To Relax!

    Most Gracious ILites,
    Thanks for being with me when I handled one of the toughest and the most delicated topics, the HAMB. Believe me, it was a kind of tight rope walking for me.

    But there were no risks because even if were to fall down there are 4000 plus good women to lift me up.

    Now let's relax for a while. This week we are going to attend a convocation function at a local ladies college.

    Let's see how the function goes.

    Regards,
    Varalotti
     

Share This Page