Hurting Badly :-(

adimad · May 27, 2016

Almost 8 years ago, I got married. Hubby was in Australia on a project then. We had been in a long distance relationship for 5 years. I had a great career in India, and being very ambitious, I was trying to get into international MBA, for which I had been saving some money.

We decided we could get married and I will move to Australia and do my MBA from the top B-school there, which was hard to get into and expensive too. But luckily I scored well in GMAT and got in.

I had money saved for fee, not enough, but I would have managed with some loan and some help from my parents.

BUT in-laws had big function and dowry demands (whereas I was always for simple temple or court marriage – but another story). We could not afford both fees and wedding. So my husband said spend on wedding, and he will use his saved dollars for MBA fees. And he will be earning will I study so he can sponsor my education.

So, those 1.5 years were very very hard for us. We saved every penny we could – always walked if it was a few kms, no trams. Cheap small apartment. Always cook – no outings. Studies was tooo hard – I had to really work hard and then take care of the household. In between he called his parents for 3 months and they made my life hell – I got bad grades that term too.

As my bad-luck would have it, it took me 1.5 years after completing MBA to find a job. Till then my MIL tortured me mentally on phone and I struggled to not take my own life. I was in deep depression. She would keep talking about how I wasted my husband’s money on fees. Anyhow, hubby would as usual ask me to ignore, saying he doesn’t think like that himself.

Eventually I got a job, then a better one, then a better one… so on and so forth and am happy with work now, managing full time job with kid. All these years I believed my husband understood me and was OK with everything. But recently I realised that he wasn’t.

That he, in his heart, blames me for wasting the MBA fees. Maybe because not only that I didn’t work for 1.5 years but even when I got the 1st job it wasn’t a high-paying one. So basically it was a bad decision according to him to do the MBA. And he blames it on me.

Maybe his expectation was that as soon as I complete MBA, I will be placed in a high paying job, which is how it is in India with top schools, no doubt. And my B-school is no.1 in Australia too, but the thing is that Australian market and economy doesn’t work that way. They don’t value MBA degree like that. If I were to come to India with the degree in my hand, no doubt I will get more value. But we have consciously chosen to live here because of better lifestyle and better culture, which is more important to us than money.

I would have wanted to get a hi fi job immediately too, but it didn’t happen. It was emotionally crushing for me enough, even without his mum reminding me about it every single day for the 548 days that I was unemployed.

Anyhow, I am hurting badly because, for an unrelated issue, hubby had called my parents behind my back to tell them that a decision (unrelated) that I am making may be wrong and he said “I just don’t want it to turn out like her MBA decision”.

This happened 2-3 months ago but I am hurting sooo bad. I don’t want to confront him on this because he called my parents behind my back and hasn’t yet told me about it. My mum told me he called because she didn’t realise he called behind my back.

His words shocked me especially because he has always claimed for all these years that he is happy with whatever I am happy with. And that it doesn’t matter if I have a job or what job as long as I am happy, he is happy.

Realising the reality behind all these fake dialogues is not only hurting me, but has also increased the already widening distance between us. It’s like nothing with this person has ever been real.

And BTW he NEVER calls my parents or even talks to them… very rarely talks to them when I insist if they are on the phone with me. So him actually calling my mom directly was a shocker in itself.

Sorry, I dont have any questions... just venting to try and stop the hurt feeling.

vaidehi71 · May 27, 2016

Hi,

I remember a few of your previous posts, seems your husband is really not understanding you in a lot of issues.

Well, did he marry you only for money? Seems so to me!

I know a lot of people forego their career or take a long break from their work for the sake of kids and their families and their husbands and families are acceptable for it. In your case you did not waste the time, you had studied and used it for gaining knowledge, probably that too would be considered for your job.

Now that your job is stable, what is the problem with your husband!

Sit down with him and have a real good discussion with your husband, he and your MIL are really unreasonable and you have to point these things to him. There is no point in grieving behind, whatever the reason just say it face to face and get rid of your feelings.

Take care.

KashmirFlower · May 27, 2016

as u know, mba with top college is never going to be wasted, you can grow in your company now with that business degree. most managers work hard to get an mba and grow in their company, u already have it. a degree like this is useful for entire life, u dont know when it comes to ur use. be proud of ur mba, whatever ur h says about it.

gauridinesh · May 27, 2016

I Understand your feelings. I have been in "kind" of the same situation - not quite, but similar. I also thought my husband had been understanding of some issue and after 8 years , realized that he has been blaming me behind my back all the time.

You have two options in my opinion:

1) Confront your husband. Spill your guts out. May or may not end up in a screaming match. Your husband probably never meant in as grave a manner as you think. He may have only referred to that 1.5 yrs of unemployment that you had. He may have not talked about the money AT ALL. He may have been referring to YOUR loss of peace of mind. For all we know, he may have meant " I have seen her suffer mental agony for 1.5 years because she chose to pursue her MBA. I dont want to see her suffer again". That makes a world of difference. So talk to him. If he is as understanding as you know him to be, it will probably end up in you feeling better. I would suggest not to pick up a fight with him when you start talking to him. Approach him the way you would if you were hurt, not angry. Tell him you are hurt.

2) The other option is to forget about it. Like I said earlier, you have no idea about the context. After a couple of weeks or months, in one of the normal arguments you have, you may blurt this out and at that time - it may come out all wrong.

In either of the two options above, I dont think it is worth picking up a fight with your husband. Its all bygones. And your bone is not with your husband, its with your in laws. So dont spoil your mood over those filthy and crooked people again after all these years.

dia3 · May 27, 2016

As some other poster said- i agree with her- it seems he married you only for money and when he is not seeing that big returns from your MBA over the years, he resents marrying you and hence, complaining behind your back to your parents.

Don't ever think that men don't marry for money...If you read some indusladies posts you woudl understand..As an attorney - US born but of indian origin,i see divorce cases of lot of indian people as they trust Indian origin attorneys because its easy to explain cultural gaps...

Since few years, lot of Indian men are also doing marriages to cash cow or potential cash cow wives ( SLANG for money making wife) ..OPEN your eyes before you r too late like the poster that posted few days back who was left by her husband even though she had spent so much money on her hubby n family or like one canadian indian woman poster sometime back whose hubby n in-laws were shamelessly using her as ATM.....Sadly, for these women- their old days would be very sad without money as they say NO MONEY, NO HONEY!!

sweety127 · May 27, 2016

Hey first of all be proud, v proud of your mba from a prestigious institution after clearing gmat..no matter what others say..it is a big deal indeed! Have this in your mind at any situation. My best wishes to u.

magician · May 31, 2016

There is some learning here. Never build your education on the earnings of someone else's (unless your parents have a trust fund for you). What you should have ideally done is: been thrifty on the wedding and saved the money for your own education. But you didn't so where do you go from here?

How about returning whatever you owe him and getting back your self esteem? How long will that take, you reckon?

yellowmango · May 31, 2016

Op...next time your in laws talk about your husband money being wasted,tell them you paid for it in the form of a big wedding and dowry.

Op please,never feel bad about your husband helping you pay for education.
He chickened out and chose to force you to have a big wedding and dowry .....to please his parents.You did pay for your education.

I agree with gauri that your husband may not have meant it the way it looks. He may not be talking about the money but about the disappointments you might have felt while to looked around for a job.Give him the benefit of the doubt and sit down and talk it out with him if you want.

Iamagoodgirl · Jun 1, 2016

Keep posting here.It helps.A lot of ladies here including me dont have anyone to talk to in real world.

chocolate · Jun 1, 2016

OP, Your hubby is having double standards. I am sorry to say so. But its true. He wanted to satisfy his parents demand for a big wedding and dowry on your dime 1 plus to him .He made your study MBA from his money but you also had to give up stuff for 1 1/2 yrs right. He didnt get immediate pay back and backbited to your parents- 1 plus to him. Maybe he thought you will start putting out money immediately with your MBA . Dont forget you are at mercy of job market. If market is good your skills will hold you up and up. If market is down , even Phd holders or like yourself MBA business grad also wont go places.Your husband talking to your parents about your degree in such a casual manner shows how little he regards your sacrifices or what you did to come to this level.If he was so much of a reasonable husband he wud have asked your in laws to not talk to you like that instead of telling you to ignore. He wants the cake and eat it too .

Pardon me when you mentioned MBA to you , he must have researched how much do business grads paid to say lets go ahead with marriage and fund you for education.He just didnt agree to do it to look good in your eyes. He knew a big bonus in future with doing it.But still he held it over your head when he spoke to your parents.Not a rational or understanding person will do it.Have a talk and bring it out it open. And if I were you I wud have funded education instead of feeding in laws greed. It starts with grand wedding, then everything grand grand and give this give that only to DIL s and DILs family.Now your hubby came out looking like a hero while you will look like a person who took advantage of his so called goodness.Now your in laws wont talk about dowry or grand wedding all they want to know is hubby paid for your education and you stayed unemployed for 1 1/2 yrs. Was it worth it?

Talk about all this with hubby and tell him to tell your in laws not to be rude to you and shudnt go behind your back to tell your parents about you. If he wants to he can do it in front of you. Doing it behind you shows he cant face the facts that you succeeded inspite of that 11/2 yrs.Good Luck.