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Hurtful Words From My 5 Year Old

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by Joyoflife, Nov 20, 2016.

  1. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Yesterday my five year told me that she doesn't like me. She wishes that her school teacher was her mommy but daddy can still be her daddy. she doesn't like me and i am not even nice. I know children do not really mean what they say, but this thing hit me like a rock. i still do not know why? since then i am bit withdrawn from her, i know not really nice on my part. My life revolves around her. DH travels a lot, I almost manage her single handedly and this is what i get. I know this is nothing but how do u handle whe children hurt your feelings.
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2016
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  2. bhagya85

    bhagya85 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    I too have got hurt like this before from my five year DS when he wanted to stay with his aunt forever and not with me.I literally cried on that day.I started to keep reminding him all that I do for him from playing with him to taking him to pool .,I made him realize how much I actually do for him, as they think its just part of their everyday routine. More than me,its my husband who took this job in explaining him (during bedtime)how much I do for him..even little things. Don't get hurt dear.. she is just small kid.But I understand how much it hurts.Just try this..Keep telling this now and then she will understand...
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2016
  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    That would have been cutting. hugs to ou.

    However she is only 5. She knows her words have an impact but her brain has not developed enough to fully understand what she put you through.

    You need to handle this properly now. not hold it against her and be withdrawn - you do NOT want to model such passive aggressive behaviour in response to something she would not even remember in a short while.

    First think about what brought this on. As her primary carer you probably enforce discipline and draw boudaries than her dad. Is it because of that? you might want to reevaluate your methods.

    Do you have enough fun time with her? I had a period of shouting at my 5 year old and everything seemed a struggle. Things suddenly become easier when I put other things on hold and factored in one on one fun time with her - window shopping to see Christmas displays, going to a show, a museum ot gallery, or even a lunch / coffee shop out together, kicking a ball about, playing running and catching etc. All with lots of kisses and cuddles. during these outings I used to have to bite my tongue from criticising some little 5 year old things she might do but now it has become much easier to see the positives and have a great time together. trust me, the bond spill over when you get home and certainly it becomes easier.

    Teach her empathy and thus teach her to be responsible for her words, tone and facial expressions. While reading books ask about how the characters feel; what their expressions look like; how she would react in the same situation.

    When she starts off with something hurtful, tell her in a very neutral tone, "that's not nice. Why do you say that?" or "what's upset you?" stop and make eye contact and try to speak to her.

    Sometimes they are really angry but they don't know how to handle it. in that case, deflect. "you need to calm down first. take a deep breath / count backwards from 10 to 1"

    Don't give the 5 year old the power to know she hurt you. the minute she starts saying something hurtful, nip it in the bud instead of letting it prolong. if she spouts it in anger, and wouldn't calm down firmly say, "I will not allow such disrespectful talk in my house."

    Telling a 5 year of child about everything you do for them rarely gets through. make it incremental. make sure you and her dad appreciate and thank each other for the little thoughtful things you do for each other - making his favourite dinner/ him making you a coffee/ ironing each others' clothes. Plan it out with your husband for one of you to periodically get together with the child to do something thoughtful for the other parent.

    Then don't shy away from apologising in case she felt hurt by something you did. in case I scream at my child (usually after her having ignored the last 1000 times I told her to do something nicely) I apologise once I've cooled down. I explain I am trying hard not to scream but I lost it then when she totally ignored me. I admit it's not excuse to scream but could she help me there by listening and responding to me without a fuss? then I follow through - next time she ignores me, I state, "sweetheart, you are ignoring my instruction and that makes me cross. however I'm trying hard not to scream here. do you remember what we agreed upon?" I get well done for not screaming and she does her job.

    Parenting is a tough job. Especially since we were brought up so differently from how kids are brought up over here. they see themselves being given so much respect and space outside and they do find our ways extremely constricting. Here I have to say we need to lose our autocratic methods and learn the ways to deal with kids in a more respectful but firm manner because clearly the kids here typically grow up with much more confidence. With dedication and focus you can overcome this.

    Take care.
     
  4. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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  5. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    My dear gueshoo

    Your parenting suggestions are like golden words. I truly appreciate your parenting advise. My 5yo is a an overly sensitive, very soft spoken, gentle little girl. I do not need to enforce any discipline on her now, because its been quite a while now since our routine for things is set and we follow the same pattern. She does not get extra spoiled when daddy is back home other than extra cuddles, books and stories at bed time. Me and my husband are almost at the same page specially when it comes to her. He used to bring a lot of gifts for her before, but slowly i made him reduce that to bare minimum or gifts on alternate visits. Because i do not like to indulge her or stimulate her with materialistic things. She is loved rather than being spoiled or indulged.

    Her harsh words came as a surprise to me, and i did nip it the bud by kneeling down to her level, being firm and saying its not acceptable to use such language. That particular day i guess we were bit late for bed time and she was overly tired, on top of that daddy had to leave the very next morning. My husband being away for a prolonged period does make her feel a bit insecure sometimes.

    I must say guesshoo, you should consider writing a parenting book. Your parenting advise is very much practical, on the spot and useful.

    Really appreciate your responding to my post and throwing some more light on how these moments should be handled
     
    coffeecups, guesshoo and Rihana like this.
  6. stilldeshi

    stilldeshi Senior IL'ite

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    ooh, wait till she turns teenager. Sorry I don't want to scare you. Relax, it's a learning curve for both of you. When kids say something like that, they don't mean it. From my experinece telling you. on occassions like this, it's hard but try and not get angry or show any reactions but explain it to her latter on that it's not an acceptable behaviour, it hurnts your feelings.
     
  7. LakshmiKMBhat

    LakshmiKMBhat Gold IL'ite

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    Children usually hero worship their teachers, whatever the teacher says is correct . A five year old , I think will not reason and analyse. Please don't feel hurt, your child may not even remember her words after some time . Take care .
     
  8. anupama1

    anupama1 Platinum IL'ite

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    It does hurt.
    I have been through a similar situation where my daughter was cross with my DH, as he worked a lot was hardly at home then also he doesn't like eating outside.I don't know what triggered her she said "Couldn't you get a better Papa than this one for me?" I was shocked. It took some time to compose myelf but I told her that we had prayed God to give her as our daughter and had refused all the cute kids in ads and also Preeti (her friend and teacher's pet).So God thought this Mummy and Papa are best and sent her to our house. I don'tknowhow much she understood, but refusal for Preeti and kids from ads made an impression on her.
    This is a passing phase, exposure to TV puts words in their mouth. Just spend more time with her and make her know how lucky she is to be your daughter in the way she understands.

    Tc :)
     

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