Humour

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by sonu_627, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Nice answer!!!

    An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many

    children?" Asks the council worker

    "10" replies the Essex girl

    "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

    "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

    Doesn't that get confusing?"

    "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in

    the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO

    BED NOW and they all do it..."

    "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council

    worker.

    "That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames":tongue
     
  2. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Little Jonny

    Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.' Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had been in trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell Him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny stormed upstairs to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

    LETTER 1:
    Dear God,
    I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
    birthday. I want a red one.
    Your friend,
    Johnny.

    Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

    LETTER 2:
    Dear God,
    This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy thi year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
    Thank you,
    Johnny.

    Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

    LETTER 3:

    Dear God,
    I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
    Your friend,
    Johnny.

    Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

    Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.

    He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.

    LETTER 4:

    I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE RED BIKE.
    Signed

    YOU KNOW WHO:bang
     
  3. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    what man wans.......

    God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.
    Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

    And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. He is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.:bang
     
  4. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    telephone conversation

    Read aloud for best results.

    The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and

    room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the

    Far East

    Economic Review...





    Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

    Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

    RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

    G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

    RS: "Ow July den?"

    G: "What??"

    RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

    G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

    RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

    G: "Crisp will be fine."

    RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

    G: "What?"

    RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

    G: "I don't think so"

    RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

    G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one

    toes means."

    RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping

    we bother?"

    G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying Toast.' Fine.

    Yes,an English muffin will be fine."

    RS: "We bother?"

    G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

    RS: "Wad?"

    G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

    RS: "Copy?"

    G: "Sorry?"

    RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

    G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

    RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,

    tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

    G: "Whatever you say"

    RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

    G : "You're welcome"

    :mrgreen:
     
  5. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Level of Confidence:

    Level of Confidence::thumbsup

    Hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.

    Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

    One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."

    This is called Confidence!! :mrgreen:
     
  6. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Want a day off work?

    Want a day off work?

    So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off! :bang

    <!-- / message --><!-- controls -->
     
  7. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Poor blonde!!!

    [font=Trebuchet MS, Arial, Helvetica]
    One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

    The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

    The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

    POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

    Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

    POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

    The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

    The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

    The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

    One day, the three of them are w
    [/font][font=Trebuchet MS, Arial, Helvetica]g the beach and discover a magic lamp.
    [/font][font=Trebuchet MS, Arial, Helvetica]:tongue :bang[/font][font=Trebuchet MS, Arial, Helvetica]alking alon[/font]
     
  8. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Buying a Horse

    Buying a Horse

    [font=Verdana,]Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.

    After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

    "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

    Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

    "Why?" his father asked.

    "Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!" :lol:
    [/font]
     
  9. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Poor johnny!!!

    [font=Verdana,]Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

    His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

    "Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

    "What do you mean?" said Dad.

    "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!":tongue
    [/font]
     
  10. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Airplane Conversation

    Airplane Conversation

    [font=Verdana,]A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

    "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

    "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.

    But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

    "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

    "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?" :rotfl:lol::wave
    [/font]
     

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