Humour

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by sonu_627, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. prathi

    prathi Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    394
    Likes Received:
    38
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Wife: Why are you home so early?
    Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

    *"Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles
    and sorrows.";
    "But I don't have any, my love."
    "I said, when we get married"

    * American: In our country, marriage even takes place with email.
    Santa: In India, it is only with female

    * When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God
    doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness

    * On the first day of marriage, the husband is treated like god... after
    that the letters reversed ( dog )

    * The 3 fastest means of communication:
    Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

    * A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found<SCRIPT><!--D(["mb","\n
    a woman just like mother!&quot;\n\n
    His father replied, &quot;So\nwhat do you want from me, sympathy?&quot;;\n
    *\n

    \nEquations:
    \n
    1. SSC + HSC + BTech + MBA\n\u003d UNEMPLOYMENT \n
    2. An Idea + An Idiot \u003d A Dot\ncom. \n
    3. One Chinese gymnast \u003d India\'s\nGold Medal tally
    \nsince 1896
    \n
    4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet\n\u003d Salman Khan. \n
    5. Special Effects in Shampoo\nads \u003d Special effects in
    \nJurassic park.
    \n
    6. 4 weeks in Switzerland +\nLondon + New Zealand +
    \nCanada \u003d a 4 minute
    \nsong in Hindi movie.
    \n
    7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery\n+ acting ability +
    \npersonality + own
    \nproduction company \u003d Kajol
    \n
    8. Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle\nki aag \u003d Your mum\'s
    \nfavorite serials.
    \n
    9. Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata\n+ Kaun Banega
    \nCrorepati \u003d A SUPERSTAR.
    \n

    \n10. Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent \u003d
    \nAbhishek Bachchan
    \n
    11. Any actor + Any actress\n+ many movies \u003d David
    \nDhawan
    \n
    12. 1 smile + 32 teeth \u003d Govinda\n\n
    13. 1 person - shirt \u003d Salman\nKhan \n
    14. 1 person + straight hair\n+ un-straight walk \u003d",1]);//--></SCRIPT>
    a woman just like mother!"
    His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?";

     
  2. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    New immigrant

    A new Pakistani immigrant arrives in Bradford with his family. He is thrilled to be here.
    Early next morning, after he has settled in to his house, he goes out for a walk to explore his new surroundings. He meets a man walking along the street.
    "Good day Mr Englishman" he says "I most readily want to thank you for letting me and my family live in your very nice country and......."
    The man interrupts "I'm not an Englishman, I'm an Arab from Jordan"

    The Pakistani continues on his way and encounters another pedestrian
    "Good day Mr Englishman, thank you for letting my family live in your country and...."
    He is again interrupted "I no Englishman, me is Turkish"

    The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another man walking towards him
    "Oh Mr Englishman, thank you........."
    He is interrupted once more by the man who says "Hey brother, I aint no Englishman, I'se from Jamacia"

    He walks a little further and sees another man
    "Mr Englishman, thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country"
    The man looks at him and says "I'm not English, I'm Polish"
    "But" says the very confused and distressed Pakistani "where are all the Englishmen ?"
    The Polish guy stretches his wrist, checks his watch, and says
    "Well they must all be at work by now"

    :clap
     
  3. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Hear properly b4 u do !

    A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth, still somewhat sedated after a 4 hour operation. A young and attractive nurse appears in his room to sponge his face, hands and feet.

    "Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask "are my testicles black ?"

    Embarrassed the young nurse replies "I don't know, I'm just here to wash your face, hands and feet"

    He struggles again to ask her "Nurse please, are my testicles black ?"

    She hesitates, unsure what to do for a moment but finally pulls back the cover, raises his gown, lifts his dick in one hand and his testicles in the other and takes a close look

    "There's nothing wrong with them, they're absolutely normal" she said

    The man sighs, removes his oxygen mask very slowly and says "Mmmm......that was really nice but please listen closely one more time"

    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >


    "Are....my....test...results...back ?"

    :p
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Email?????

    A jobless man applied for the position of 'Office boy' at Microsoft.

    The HR manager interviewed him. Then watched him cleaning the floor as
    a test. "You are employed," he said. "Give me your e-mail address
    and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as a date when you may
    start". The man replied, "But I don't have a computer, neither an e-mail."
    "I'm sorry", said the HR manager," If you don't have an e-mail,
    that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the
    job."
    The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with
    only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and
    buy a 10kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door
    round. Inless than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He
    repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man
    realized that he could survive this way, and started to go earlier everyday
    and return later, thus his money doubled or tripled every day.
    Eventually, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet
    of delivery vehicles. Five years later he became one of the biggest
    food retailers in the US.

    He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life
    insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection
    plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his
    e-mail. The man replied, "I don't have an e-mail."

    The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an e-mail, and yet
    have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have
    been if you had an e-mail?!!" The man thought for a while and replied,
    "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

    Moral of the story:

    1) Email is not the solution to your life.

    2) If you don't have email, and work hard, you can be a Millionaire.

    3) If you received this message by email, means u missed a chance
    to be a Millionaire.



    Have a great day !!! Keep Smiling
    PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS E-MAIL BACK TO ME AS I'M CLOSING ALL MY
    EMAIL ADDRESSES AND GOING TO SELL TOMATOES !!!::clap
     
  5. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Pearly gates

    In heaven, there are two gates for married men: The gate for married men that say that they are the boss, and; the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss. Saint Peter was strolling near the two gates one afternoon. In front of the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss, was a big long line. In front of the gate for men who say the they are the boss was one fellow, standing all by himself. "Say Buddy, what are you doing over by THAT gate?" inquired Saint Peter. "Well, Saint Peter, I'm really not sure," replied the man "but this is where my wife told me to stand."

    :tongue

    <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
     
  6. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    A Friday Joke

    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

    First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death witha spade. Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Monkey house, he is attacked by the Chimpanzees who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

    He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

    The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.":thumbsup
     
  7. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    good trick!!

    A Chinese walks into a bank in central London and asks for the loan
    officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business
    for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

    The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
    for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on
    the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything
    checks out.

    The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
    The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
    Chinese for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
    An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground
    garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,
    which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
    and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
    puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
    multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
    £5,000?"

    The Chinese replies: "For £15.41 where else can I park my car in central London for two weeks and expect it to be there when I return?":clap
     
  8. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Dramatic change!!

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
    bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
    bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried
    and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
    polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
    to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he
    yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot
    and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw
    up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
    suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
    minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
    door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
    outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my
    rude language and actions I'm sincerely remorseful for my
    inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can
    to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the
    change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what
    had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
    "May I ask what the turkey did?" :p
     
  9. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Blonde with no brain!!!

    A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
    herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house,
    and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

    "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he
    said, "How much will you charge me?"

    The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

    The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
    were in the garage.

    The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
    "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

    He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

    The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" the husband asked.

    "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so gave it two coats."

    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

    "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.":bang :rotfl:wave
     
  10. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Poor blonde

    There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

    She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

    He replied "Sure!"

    Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"

    He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.



    He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!" :rotfl:wave
     

Share This Page