Huge Fight :immediate Solution Needed

Dear OP, seems you are not open to suggestions and try to mend to think with different prospective. We all know half or even less data and what all we suggest is with that. You better know what real picture is. My husband also dont like me checking his phone and especially his talks with his sister. But the reason has nothing to do with me. His sister has issues with her in-laws and while its their brother-sister conversation, if I read, it becomes something else.They didn't even share their conversation with their parents. So basically it might be just question of space and privacy. My teenage kids also dont show their phones and all these means everyone needs some space. Cool down dear, cheers!!!

 

Think for a minute why you came to this forum. To get suggestions or to get different perspective. If you are planning to do the same thing then what difference will it make. The concept that the husband and wife should be open to each other is fine but how much is what defines the relationship. I don't want my husband or anyone to check my whats app messages. It has some sensitive conversation I had about my own family. You need to respect his boundary. Just because you allow your husband to check your phone doesn't mean you can do the same. You in fact violated his privacy .He didn't have any other option other than to defend him.In fact you were sneaky and you used the phone installation as a opportunity to peak into his privacy. This is wrong. What other option he had other than attacking you to get his phone back. At worst case you are going to make situation worst by trying to know what your in laws are talking behind your back. You should invest your time wisely to do something productive instead of thinking or calculation the relationship between your husband and his family. You will eventually loose this battle.If you are at this state after 13 years think what you can change to bring some trust in this relationship.Don't look at life only in one angle. Think from his perspective.

 

There can be no absolute privacy between husband and wife, and it depends on the situation. So, I think OP deserves some sympathy. Even her husband is violating her privacy by planning to move his parents in with her, but OP can't do anything about it. She too is not ok to have them permanently in her house , and peek into, and inevitably affect her personal life.So, she alone cannot be bashed , and it's the result of the family dynamics(husband giving more importance to sister than wife) that made her this way. But none-the-less, we should respect the spouse's privacy , even if it causes us tension and insecurity. Otherwise, it's a very hostile environment for a marriage, and unhealthy for OP to spy on them. Unless he is doing some hidden money transfers to parents/siblings which will affect OP's future, or taking any drastic decisions with them that puts her life in distress, I don't understand why she needs to spy on their conversation. That's just very unhealthy and doesn't lead to anything. As everyone suggested, she should focus on improving relationship with husband, and get more say in decisions.I just wrote here to defend OP, that's it.

 

Talking about privacy between spouses is just great. But the truth is that the husband and wife must confer with each other on things that affects them both. OP would not have been upset if her husband was hiding stuff totally not involving her. Most likely he would hide conversations in which she will need a say like financial decisions.

OP, I think the best course of action is to let your husband know that he needs to involve you in stuff that affects you or your kids. For the remaining part, let him go crazy with his private conversations. You pay the least interest. Warn him that if he breaks your trust then you will be forced to "spy" or find other ways. And ask him to keep his hands off your phone. Trust works both ways.

Also, if he ever comes to you with stuff he has been discussing with his mom or sister, please be patient and supportive as much as you can. That could lead to him trusting you more with information.

 

@Brevity , I agree with you completely, and you have explained better what I was trying to convey.
Definitely for any financial matters, OP's husband needs her to be in the loop. Or even if he is discussing any major decision like his parents moving in with him, if he thinks he can cut his wife off such discussions, and then thrust his decisions on her, that's not acceptable.
As for any personal conversations he may have with them that doesn't affect her , OP need not be privy to that.
Many Indian men put wife bottom in priority list below even their siblings, and it's not always the wife's fault, rather the husband's upbringing and patriarchal culture(expecting wife to dedicate her life and serve him and his parents but not treating her like an equal when it comes to decisions) . Anyway, I can't advise her husband, so I'll advise OP to try to improve relationship with husband, try to gain his trust and develop understanding so he can't take unilateral decisions about the family, as well as for her happiness and peace of mind.

 

Behavioural patterns are often passed on from generation to generation. I think it is quite a good undertaking to try to prevent less desirable behaviours to be passed on to next generation.
Traditionally it’s is the wife who is faulted if a martial relationship is not running as it should.
The problem is with kids the advice is to have expectations of them. Having no expectations is not supposed to aide then achieve their potential.
So why then should one make the bar so low when it comes to grown ups? There is nothing unreasonable in the expectations.
To not play a scape goating game or not blow off the handle is something that can be expected of a grown man . Lying and blaming other people and throwing a tantrum is something more associated with toddlers and preschoolers.
A good approach to counter act scapegoating technique is to have a solution based approach and set out how certain problems can be avoided in future.
Also people don’t flip like that unless it hits a nerve. And as to why this nerve is hit, that’s only something they perhaps themselves don’t consciously know. Maybe breaching the topic in calm setting would be productive.

 

This is OPs thread but seeing many telling her that she is wrong to expect her dh to be transparent and that she should not check his personal msgs unless he has affair or hiding something big n all....

I just want to share my personal case here... my dh still doesnt share his finances with me yet he even knows the passwords and in fact handles the whole bank account of his father n his parents know everything about my dh's bank accounts n finances but being his wife i donno n he doesnt want to share. Hence he doesnt let me check his phone as he gets bank msgs and perhaps he is scared I may know his finances.

Secondly, once or twice i managed to check his messages and to my shock,i found his chat messages with his own father (my fil) where my dh is telling and updating each and every convo that we as a husb and wife have between us. And sometimes I even caught his chat messages where dh has told a lie to me and he tells his father that he lied to me so they should also lie the same thing so that i do not doubt. ( after reading this chat message i realised my dh lied so confidently abt something to me that i had no doubt on him till i read this! And worst is FIL encouraging his son to lie to his wife...wow what a liars family i got into!).

On confronting mt dh... instead of feeling guilty for lieing to me n updating everything between us to his parents, he starts creating a big issue and shouts at me for touching his phone n reading his messages.

So how can I trust such husband? I know and i value personal space and i wouldnt have bothered if he was talking to his parents as a son n sharing about his activities or whatever... but what he did is wrong and yet he has audacity to shout at me and blame me for reading his msgs.


Anyhow i totally understand OPs situation and if after 13yrs also a wife is insecure about her husband's hiding and lieing... its obviously the husbands fault as he failed to win her trust over these years.

 

Also i see that in general whenever OP posts something and the lovely ladies who reply are contradicting to the views of OP, they tell like why are you posting here if you cant take others views....etc....etc...
But why dont the lovely ladies understand here that when someone posts her prob here... it is partly to vent and partly to get advice on how to manage.
We can only tell our point of view but we cannot n shouldnt make the OP feel that she is wrong and force her to accept others views and opinions.(unless in few exceptional cases where OP is making grave mistakes and unable to see through it).

P.S. these are just my general thoughts... no offence to anyone and infact I have had a lot of lovely ladies helping me at any crisis anytime in my life so no hard feelings but just wanted to say let OP decide which advice she wants to take and which not.

 

I have gone through all the replies and like a coin has both sides, this act can be supported and criticized.
If everything is fair between a wife and husband and their respective families (Yes I am forced to include families here) then I dont think there is any necessity to check each others phones. But how cases exist like this? God only knows.
In my case many days I kept myself away from all this stuff and one day I accidentally bumped up into H chat with his bro and was shocked. My H is sharing all his stress, emotions and his arguments with me including the dialogues that happened between us. H brother on the other hand abused me instead saying some good words with his bro. I could not bare this anymore and I confronted my H for this. As usual he asked me why should I check his messages. There were days when he used to be online most of the time with his bro rather than talking to me.
Years passed on and when his bro got married all the equations have changed. His talks with my H has become very minimal.Its now my turn to ask my H why is it his bro is not sharing his conversation with his wife )). My H has no reply for that. He now understands their true colors to a great extent.

 

Op, ur problem is u feel u express everything to ur dh but he doesn't reciprocate. So to be precise ur dh hiding facts about ur In- laws seems to be a long term problem for u. So the best solution is please talk to ur dh ur concerns as why or what are the things u both need to discuss before taking decision for example monetary gift (how much to give to both sides extended family) for a function that is to be discussed with in two of u. So make decisions clear. This can only be the solution. No arguments will give u equality ,only discussions will lead to solution. U too need privacy when u talk to ur Mom or sister sometimes. So establish a common ground.