Huge Fight :immediate Solution Needed

You need to first think about why he said you become judgemental. You must have done something earlier like this.
Even after 13 years of marriage you feel like this then first try to find the fault that you could have. As why you still comes next to his family.
Everyone wants to share his/her feelings to those who really understand. If someone is hiding something to us then they might feel that we don't understand them.
Your husband came behind you just because of the love and respect that he have for you.
Don't always find the fault sometimes feel the fault too.

 

Sounds like an attempt to control him. This can't possibly end well.

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Sharing of passwords / phones / social media accounts between spouses should only happen when both of them are equally ok with it. You are ok , husband is not. You need to get your husband back on your team . That involves using your own phone to check something on google, letting him talk to his family as and when he wants to without passing any judgements ( keep your opinions about his family members in your thought bubble , he can’t read your mind can he ?) . Calm down, take a deep breath, apologize for checking his WhatsApp messages and move on. Only touch his phone if you suspect an EMA ( signs include ignoring you, smiling to himself, spending too much time on the phone, in front of the mirror and listening to Ashiqui songs) . Till then rest easy ! Take care !

 

I am one of those people who kept my phone unlocked before marriage. I didn't really think too much about it. But after marriage, I became really private about my messages BECAUSE my private conversations with my family and friends would be used as common conversation topics. It really bugged me that my husband thought it was acceptable to read my messages and tell his parents or brother. I am even more secretive nowadays, I never keep my phone unlocked around my husband, and definitely do not like him searching on my browser. The thing is, I am not having an affair, or doing anything harmful behind his back, I just don't want my private thoughts and conversations to be questioned and create unnecessary drama.

My point is, a person's privacy should be respected, even if they are your own spouse. It is not as if you need to share every thought and detail to each other. Maybe it is better that you are able to filter information as necessary. Things that my parents have told me about their travel plans or family stuff, I don't regurgitate word for word, because it will be perceived incorrectly, so I moderate and make it easier for my husband to understand and not make snap judgmental commentary. I don't know if your husband is just trying to minimize the drama, but this is just my perspective about privacy between spouse.

 

A person's privacy should be respected. It is not hiding, it is their comfort zone / personal space and everyone needs their space. If someone is abusing it by doing nasty things behind their spouse's back, then it will be a different story.

 

This is an assumption. To me, all that the OP did was to take his phone to google. I don't see anything wrong with it. Whether it is correct to look at spouse's messages is dependent on each couple and the situation they are in. If a person is secretly planning with his/her family to divorce his/her spouse, of course, one would go and look. No one here knows the nature of the message or history of the type of conversations that used to happen in the in-law family and how the repercussions of it were on the peace of the OP's marriage. Moreover, how each person reacts to another in a marriage is endogenous. What annoying behaviour of the spouse makes a person have to go and look into his/her messages? Nobody plans to behave irrationally. There must be some trigger, not only for OP's spouse but for OP as well.

I don't understand why people are stuck on one aspect - that the OP read the messages. She may or may not have been wrong. Given that I don't know what the history is, I refuse to judge if it was right or wrong. But I think I gave the benefit of doubt to the OP completely, which I agree I should not have. Keep that aside, even if OP was wrong, is this how a mature person who's married would react? The simple direct response would have been to say in a strong voice, told you already - don't look at my messages. Not make it into a huge issue. Looks like even when the OP was ready to let it go, her spouse followed her to continue the argument.

If someone had to come to an online forum and post something about their marriage, I guess they are in a pretty bad emotional state. She needs support - whether it is saying in a good way that she is wrong or giving her a solution. She did not post here to be bombarded at. Am sure she receives enough of this at home already. She cannot do anything with "you are wrong". Other than say "fine."

I agree that no one can force anyone to do something they don't want to. That's simple microeconomics. And I agree that how one feels is not a valid reason to overstep boundaries. But given that I don't know what exactly triggered the OP, I am no one to judge.

Since you and justanothergirl are more experienced, you can offer OP advice that she can act upon given the current situation and help her deal with the situation in case she is forced to stay with in-laws who lie (according to the OP).

I appreciate the critical analysis of my responses in your feedback and justanothergirl 's feedback as well. As a person with way less experience, I may not be mature enough to understand all of this. OP can choose to ignore my opinion. But I still think the history here is important and none of us here know that completely.

I have nothing more to opine on.

 

I agree with other posters that a person's privacy should be respected [ If there is EMA or related problems, situation is different and approach too]
NO need to monitor what dh and MIL/SIL are talking about. Same way you dont have to inform your dh about what you are doing in your personal space or what you talk to your parents if not needed. Talking and creating issue on this topic is not going to give you any peace of mind or happiness or help your relationship with dh

First thing you have to do is lock your phone. Rule should be the same for everyone. If he wants privacy, you also need privacy. Both should respect that. If your husband needs something on your phone, he needs to ask your permission to check your phone and vice versa.

 

Well then, change your passcode and “goahead”with life as usual. If husband asks let him know that privacy works both ways . Don’t lose your sleep over this too much! Remember you want your husband in your team.