Huge Dilemma!?

Kukudukuu · Mar 3, 2017

YoGirl said: ↑

While we expect H to not tell everything wat goes btw him and wife to his parents... here DW seems to be sharing everything with her side of ppl..
May be ur BIL didnt get a chance to stand up for himself as he seems to be financially responsibility free cuz of his parents.. i think you guys should atleast give him space to grow up and interfere only when needed..
IMHO using loan to study is a good idea according to me as this will instill some sense into the brain of the student.
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It is not about responsibility, which he certainly doesn't have the option to choose. His mother and sister are controlling him and his finances. And nobody is interfering in their lives. It is after more than 2 years of no progress, when we enquired, we get to know the whole thing. Which was not known to us otherwise. And about sharing, it can be done with people whom we can bank on. BIL will never get a chance to stand up for himself unless he chooses to do so.. no opportunity will keep coming every now and then, we have to make one for ourselves. And he shares every single conversation that happens with him and my sister and family.

joylokhi · Mar 3, 2017

OP,
I feel it is too early in the marriage for your family to try to do anything for your sister. She needs to talk out her future course of action with him and decide how they will manage. You say she has been married for only 10 months, but at the same time there has been no progress for more than 2 years - progress on what ?
She can be firm and see to it that she does not leave her job or her financial independence until her husband lands himself a proper job and settles down.
Your parents also need not at this stage help him out financially . Your sister can on the other hand discuss with him and see to what extent she can help him out to ease the situation. As Yogirl rightly says, it is better both the families do not interfere and allow the couple some time and space to decide things within themselves.

Kukudukuu · Mar 3, 2017

joylokhi said: ↑

OP,
I feel it is too early in the marriage for your family to try to do anything for your sister. She needs to talk out her future course of action with him and decide how they will manage. You say she has been married for only 10 months, but at the same time there has been no progress for more than 2 years - progress on what ?
She can be firm and see to it that she does not leave her job or her financial independence until her husband lands himself a proper job and settles down.
Your parents also need not at this stage help him out financially . Your sister can on the other hand discuss with him and see to what extent she can help him out to ease the situation. As Yogirl rightly says, it is better both the families do not interfere and allow the couple some time and space to decide things within themselves.
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Aunty, none of us have spoken about this to BIL or his family. It is just a dilemma that we are facing, infact we have not discussed this in detail with my parents either. My mother is suffering from ulcerative colitis and any kind of stress can flare up the ulcers and her health will deteriorate. I have posted here so that we get an insight on how to go about handling the situation without disturbing my mom's health. It has been 2 years that they decided to get married and BIL at that point in time told that he wanted to relocate to a different location which would be done before the wedding,which has not happened yet. It is a different story if a serious effort is being put in. He will only talk loads of unnecessary stuff, most of which does not make sense , my sister says. She says she is fed up of hearing his baseless stories. She doesn't plan to quit working though, that will support her finances in the long term.

Sunshine04 · Mar 3, 2017

Kukudukuu said: ↑

Thank you for your responses. We have asked my sister to not quit working or even think about a kid before you guys can settle down Ok, now it has been decided to not sponsor for the studies. But he now says he wants to go on leave for 3 months and stay here and look for a job. So sis says we can't stay in my parents place for that long. He now wants to stay in a rented house using wife's salary! When she says I don't have enough money to pay for advance (here, in Bangalore advance runs to lakhs), he says I will see what can be done about it. No idea where he can get that from. In his case, his parents are the real culprit. He got placed in infy after his engineering, to which they discouraged him to join siting some silly reason. He then joined L&T, and was kinda ok there but there is downsizing going on and he has been asked to leave. He wants to go on long leave thinking if he is not there there, then he won't be asked to resign immediately. But this sounds silly to me. Coming to the alliance, we have known the family for over 50 years.. they live a pretty decent life and nobody is aware of their financial status considering their lifestyle and their social setup. Everyone in the family is well qualified and his father has a business establishment which was doing quite well but not in a great condition. Which we get to know recently. Each month after salary, his parents take the entire amount leaving very little for him to spend. They will only visit a star restaurant, which otherwise is below their dignity! His father makes enough to make a decent living. But they want to showoff before others. And this guy pays for it. They did not even want to pay for his education and he took a loan to study and is repaying the same. He feels bad about how his folks have exploited him and talks about this to my sister. This was the main reason behind my parents wanting to sponsor for higher studies. But his parents want to make the most of the situation. He is lame enough to get fooled with their crocodile tears! He still says my parents are my responsibility so I have to take good care of them. His parents have brainwashed him to the extent that he doesn't have a thought process or a choice of his own. This is what is disturbing us.
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of course.his parents are his responsibility

armummy · Mar 3, 2017

If the husband is not in interested in working , is your sister willing to take on a househusband and take are of him lifelong ... He can be assigned domestic duties if he is ready to take on house husband role ?

If she needs a working spouse , I think she needs to have hard discussion with the man and decide if she really want to continue this marriage .

In these days of change man can also have a choice of staying at home provided wife is in full agreement and is taking on primary breadwinner role .

Cantdecide · Mar 3, 2017

Kukudukuu said: ↑

Dear ILs,
My sister has been married for 10 months now. Her husband stays in a different city and she is still staying with my parents. They meet every once in a while, either of them making a trip to the other place. BIL did not want her to get a transfer or relocate after she resigned. He, on the other hand, doesn't seriously look for a job in a different city. Does not make up his mind for anything. Everything is in a state of coma. My parents felt that maybe he is finding it difficult to look for a job so they told him if you plan to study further we will sponsor for your education and take care of you both till you complete your course. He is however not seriously looking forward to study. He wants to resign his current job, which is not at all stable, and come and stay at my parents place and enjoy an easy readymade life and spend on my sister's salary. He and his parents are trying totake the sponsorship for granted. Though my parents have only daughters, they have brought us up tobe self-sufficient and have self-respect. These people do not seem to have anything projected before the wedding. They are looking for every possible opportunity to extract something or the other in the name of tradition and the same tradition disappears when they have to give something. So far, my sister has not revealed her salary to them, not even her husband. When she told I will resign my job and come and stay with you, he only told her not to resign, come what may. How will we run the household if you resign. They seem to be more interested in the money she can bring than her. Even after working for over 6 years, his bank balance is running in negative figures. Infact, out of his salary, his parents give him some 10k to pay his rent, food and fuel. Wonder how he can manage with that!
Now the dilemma is that, should this relationship be continued ?
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Your parents are too involved and it probably pushes him away from trying to do anything for himself. Let him figure out what to do with your sister, they need to discuss this as a couple. If he does not want to work - then your sister will need to decide if she wants to work while her husband is a stay-at-home husband / dad and they can discuss if he will take care of the housework, etc. If he is irresponsible with money that is a huge problem however, and he needs to maybe take a financial literacy class or sign up online for a budgeting tool. Your sister needs to make sure he isn't using her name for any applications for credit cards

chocolate · Mar 3, 2017

OP, Your sister needs to put her foot down and tell him to do something about present state. I don't think your BIL is responsible enuf for marriage. He is using the guise of his parents to hide from marital responsibilities. Is he making any effort to find a job or to better his prospects. Your parents shud never offer to sponsor his education. Bangalore is not cheap and neither is day to day living. Where are your BIL's parents in all this. Shudnt they be a part of their son's future. Your parents are only opening a bottomless pit by telling they can sponsor. Never do that mistake. For money hungry in laws and irresponsible husbands this is one step close to lap of luxury. A responsible man will never take leave for months together to look for jobs.He is just testing waters to become a ghar jamai with all luxuries and no work.

Your sister shud safeguard her income in all possible ways. I apologize but this maybe the right time to set your sister's marriage on right path by intervention of parents and family rather than think its too early to do it. By not intervening , the present state will continue and your sister wud be yrs into marriage with no way out nor suddenly reformed husband.Your parents shud have a frank talk with your BIL and tell him he has to become a responsible husband rather then a holiday husband. He has to start looking for jobs in your sister's city and join her soon. Your parents may help looking for accommodation but that shud be it.If he dilly dally's your parents shud insist that your sister separate for some time. That shud drive some sense into your BIL. The bigger picture is your sister can cut her losses now rather than wait 5 yrs to a similar state of mind husband.Good Luck.

Kukudukuu · Mar 6, 2017

chocolate said: ↑

OP, Your sister needs to put her foot down and tell him to do something about present state. I don't think your BIL is responsible enuf for marriage. He is using the guise of his parents to hide from marital responsibilities. Is he making any effort to find a job or to better his prospects. Your parents shud never offer to sponsor his education. Bangalore is not cheap and neither is day to day living. Where are your BIL's parents in all this. Shudnt they be a part of their son's future. Your parents are only opening a bottomless pit by telling they can sponsor. Never do that mistake. For money hungry in laws and irresponsible husbands this is one step close to lap of luxury. A responsible man will never take leave for months together to look for jobs.He is just testing waters to become a ghar jamai with all luxuries and no work.

Your sister shud safeguard her income in all possible ways. I apologize but this maybe the right time to set your sister's marriage on right path by intervention of parents and family rather than think its too early to do it. By not intervening , the present state will continue and your sister wud be yrs into marriage with no way out nor suddenly reformed husband.Your parents shud have a frank talk with your BIL and tell him he has to become a responsible husband rather then a holiday husband. He has to start looking for jobs in your sister's city and join her soon. Your parents may help looking for accommodation but that shud be it.If he dilly dally's your parents shud insist that your sister separate for some time. That shud drive some sense into your BIL. The bigger picture is your sister can cut her losses now rather than wait 5 yrs to a similar state of mind husband.Good Luck.
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Thank you for your response.. for now there's nothing much happening about this. My mother is not keeping well and all our efforts are on to help her recover quickly. This is our current 1st priority. But sponsoring for studies has been put on hold. Even if they happen to stay at parents place, they have decided to take care of the household expenses like grocery and all..

Kukudukuu · Mar 6, 2017

Cantdecide said: ↑

Your sister needs to make sure he isn't using her name for any applications for credit cards
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This is a very valid point. No just in this case, but with anyone.. thanks for sharing this..

chocolate · Mar 7, 2017

Kukudukuu said: ↑

Thank you for your response.. for now there's nothing much happening about this. My mother is not keeping well and all our efforts are on to help her recover quickly. This is our current 1st priority. But sponsoring for studies has been put on hold. Even if they happen to stay at parents place, they have decided to take care of the household expenses like grocery and all..
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Op,I think letting them stay with your parents maybe a very bad idea. Your sister will end up being in middle and fending for husband to you and taking backlash from husband. Moral of the story , your sister will end up being a punching bag.Not to mention, slowly boundaries will fade and she will end up taking entire responsibility of her household with her hubby taking it easy,I still think your parents shud refrain from inviting them to move in with them. Either your parents or your sister will slowly be saddled with all responsibilities. Your mom recovery period is a good opportunity to think about all this.Logical step wud be to tell your BIL to move to your sister's city after getting a job and your parents helping to find rentals. Good Luck.