IT Consultant Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay." The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 20 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 50 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here." The shepherd cheers," That's correct, you can have your sheep." The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers, "Yes, why not". The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ". "How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something which I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business... Now can I have my *DOG* back?"
Caught on Camera A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went. Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt !
One More: Smart student During and examination this guy was not able to answer the question so he copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'. But as he did not want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to 'timber(1+x)'
Letter to GOD "It's hard to have negative thoughts while you are smiling, so keep smiling". Story Starts now: A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, INDIA, they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke. The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money (Rs.50) to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid. The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan in New Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 in taxes .. "
Men are only human! A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
Roles in Heaven Brahma : Systems Installation Vishnu : Systems Administration & Support Lakshmi : Finance and Accounts consultant Saraswati : Training and Knowledge Management Shiva : DBA (Crash Specialist) Ganesh : Quality Assuarance & Documentation Narada : Data transfer Yama : Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant Chitragupta : IDP & Personal Records Apsaras : Downloadable Viruses Devas : Mainframe Programmers Surya : Solaris Administrator Rakshasas : In house Hackers Ravan : Internet Explorer WWWF Kumbhakarnan : Zombie Process Lakshman : Support Software and Backup Hanuman : Linux/s390 Vaali : MS Windows Sugreeva : DOS Jatayu : Firewall Dronacharya : System Programmer Vishwamitra : Sr. Manager Projects Shakuni : Annual appraisal & Promotion Valmiki : Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document) Krishna : SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle ) Dharmaraj Yudhishthira : ISO Consultant (CMM level 5) Arjun : Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him) Abhimanyu : Trainee Programmer Draupadi : Motivation & Team building Bhima : MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM Duryodhana : Microsoft product Written in VB Karna : Contract programmer Dhrutarashtra : Visual C++ Gandhari : Dreamweaver 100 Kauravas : Microsoft Service Packs and patches
Superb BLADE One 3 + 3 =8 Bataaon Kaise? Bataaon Bataaon! Nahi Pata?!! Are Galati se!!!!!!!!!!! ***************************************************************************************** zindegi ek paheli hai... --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ------ --- --- --- --- --- --- -- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- scroll karne se solve nahi hogi.... **************************************************************** Teacher: 'A' for? Student: Apple !!! Teacher: Jor se bolo Student: JAI MATA DI ******************************************************************************* Ek baar ek aadmi ne badi tapasya ki. shivji khush . Prakat hue ... bole ... . . puttar maang ... maang kya chahiye tujhey ! bakth utha ... bole shivji ... mujhey to aap sirf ek guitar de do ! shivji bole kaisa gadha hai ? unhone kaha ... puttar ... tuney badi achchi tapsya ki hai ... kuch bada maang ! . . . . wo fir bola ... nahi ji ..mujhey to aap guitar hi do shivji ne phir samajhaya .. abey . kuch dhang ka maang ... ! par wo to ada hi hua tha ... bola nahi ... aap to mujhey guitar hi do ! shivji usey bade pyaar se khopch me lekar samjhane lage ... bole ..yaar tu kuch aur maang .. guitar na maang .. ! wo bola ... nahi nahi nahi !! mujhey sirf guitar hi chahiye ... ab shivji gussey main aa gaye ... boley ,(scroll down) . . . . . saale .. agar guitar mere paas hota to main ye damaru kyo bajata ******************************************************************************************* What's the opposite of "Dominoes"??? think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think tired of thinking??? Well the answer is "Domi doesn't know" Whats the oppo! site of "Pizza Hut" ... .... ..... okei don't kill me "Pizza Hutna math" ok whats the opp of venky's.. venlocks... (now,now,dont bang ur head plz..:bang) Whats the opposite of Gopalakrishnan? Comepalakrishnan. What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy? Subramanium Didn't See Me. *************************************************** A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..." ************************************************************************************************************ A guy is traveling in a deluxe car in the desert. He wants to take a bath, but he hasn't got a soap and there is no water anywhere around? what can he do? ->>He will integrate his d-lux car to get Lux + c (constant of integration) Using the lux soap he will take bath in the ?c ! (Sea) ************************************************************************************* ek baar teen ants jarahi thee....... to unhein cheenee(sugar) ki bori milti hie to pahl! ee do cheenti to usmein se cheenee ke dane utha leti hei but ek nahi uthati batao kyu .......... kyunki kyunki use sugar ki beemari thee ************************************ how do u place a camel in a fridge in three steps?? ... ... 1.open the fridge 2.keep the camel inside it 3.close the fridge n! ext one >> how do u place an elephant in the fridge in 4 steps?? .. ... .. 1.open fridge 2.take the camel out 3.place the elephant inside 4.close the door there was a jungle meeting. all the animals were required to report. all of them turned out, except one. who was it and why?? . . . . . . . . . .the elephant... u put it in the refridgerator, remember ??? now u have to cross a river which ios inhabited by deadly crocodiles...but any way u have to cross that river ...how will u cross that ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it simple ...as all animals are attending the meeting ...so no crocodiles are there..so u can cross easily... Okay in the jungle meeting where all the animals reported, they were welcomed with gutkha.....only one animal requested for a particular brand. which animal and which brand? Ans: the animal is giraffe and he opted for "Manikchand" (Unche log unchi pasand !!!) king lion goes on a search to find elephant and has absolutely no problem in locatin this camel......y?? becoz our elephant kept his footwear outside the fridge. suppose u need 2 transport all the things in ur house 4 relocating..suppose u go by aircraft ... it is losing height and pilot asks u throw something away to reduce load...what is the thing u will throw away to reduce the load?? ... ... the elephant in the fridge!!!!!!!! two persons r talkin by the swimming pool...one says he wont swim bcoz he is afraid of dying bcoz of drowning.....the other one says ...hey dont be afraid..i'll show u how 2 swim and he dives in the pool n starts swimming.... suddenly! , the man outside the pool dies... ........ ........... guess why???????? .......... ......... ......... the elephant falls on him.......(From the Fridge) ....... ...... ok enough time pass one final Q ek haathi agar swimming pool mein gir gaya to kaise bahar nikalega??????? ........ ........ think .... think.... ..... ...... ...... ....... ....... ....... ....... geela ho ke nikalega...... ******************************************************************************** ek aadmi marne vala hei to use kya khilaoge ....... sweets nope salt nopes think think are yaar birla white cement kyunki iske ander jaan hei....... ********************************************************************************************************* whats difference between a man jumping from 1st floor and a man jumping from 10th floor? . . . . . . . . . . . . former goes (hit) aaaaaaaaa later goes aaaaaaaaa (hit) ************************************************************************** Other than being fruits, what is common between an Apple and an Orange? think...... ........... ........... ........... ........... ........... ........... ........... .......... ........... ........... ........... ........... .......... socho socho ........... ........... ........... ........... .......... ........... ........... ........... ........... .......... the answer is .......... They Both Are Not a Banana !!
This is so funny, but is creepy too! This is so funny, but is creepy too! Think of a letter between A and W. . . . . . . . Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. . . . . . . . Keep going . . . Don't stop . . .. . . . . . . . . Think of an animal that begins with that letter. . . . . . . . . Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. . . . . . . . . Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name . . . . . . . . Almost there........ . . . . . . . . Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down. . . . . . . . Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level . . . . . . . Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand . . . . Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name? . . . . . . . . . . Of course not....... . . . . Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games! . . . . Don't tell the secret to others, just send them this e-mail!
Voice Mail We have all learned to live with 'voice mail' as a necessary part of modern life. But have you wondered, what if God decided to install voicemail?' Imagine praying and hearing this: Hi! Thank you for calling GOD. Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for Requests Press 2 for Thanksgiving Press 3 for Complaints Press 4 for All Other Inquiries. Else wait for our Customer Support Executive. What if God used the familiar excuse... 'I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it as received, so please stay on the line.' Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in Prayer: If you would like to speak to Ganeshji, Press 1. For Lord Hanuman, Press 2. For Lord Krishna, Sorry He is on Annual Leave! For a directory of other God's & Angels, Press 3. If you would like to hear Narad sing a Bhajan while you are holding, please press 4. To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her PAN number, then press the 0 key. If you get a negative response, try area code 420 for (Hell). Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM . If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local Priest at your neighbourhood Temple. THANK GOD, HE DOESN'T HAVE VOICE MAIL AND LISTENS WHENEVER WE PRAY!!!!!
