1. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Huge Collection of FUN

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by krishnaamma, Dec 22, 2006.

  1. krishnaamma

    krishnaamma Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    4,213
    Trophy Points:
    355
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi readers,

    In this thread I will be posting funny images, and jokes.

    Bye,

    Krishnaamma:wave
     
    Loading...

  2. krishnaamma

    krishnaamma Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    4,213
    Trophy Points:
    355
    Gender:
    Female
    IT Consultant

    Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

    The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

    The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

    The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 20 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 50 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

    The shepherd cheers," That's correct, you can have your sheep."

    The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

    The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

    The young man answers, "Yes, why not". The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant ".

    "How did you know?" asks the young man.

    "Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something which I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business... Now can I have my *DOG* back?" :p:p:p
     
  3. krishnaamma

    krishnaamma Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    4,213
    Trophy Points:
    355
    Gender:
    Female
    Caught on Camera

    A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.

    Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera.

    Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera.

    AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went.

    Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt ! :p:p:p
     
  4. krishnaamma

    krishnaamma Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    4,213
    Trophy Points:
    355
    Gender:
    Female
    One More: Smart student

    During and examination this guy was not able to answer the question so he copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'.

    But as he did not want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to 'timber(1+x)' :p:p:p
     
  5. krishnaamma

    krishnaamma Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    4,213
    Trophy Points:
    355
    Gender:
    Female
    Letter to GOD

    "It's hard to have negative thoughts while you are smiling, so keep smiling".

    Story Starts now:

    A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.

    When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, INDIA, they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke.

    The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money (Rs.50) to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid.

    The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:

    "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan in New Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 in taxes .. " :p:p:p
     
  6. krishnaamma

    krishnaamma Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    4,213
    Trophy Points:
    355
    Gender:
    Female
    Men are only human!

    A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his
    wedding anniversary.

    His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something
    in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2
    seconds flat".

    The next morning the wife found a small package in the
    driveway.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for
    Saturday.:p:p:p
     
  7. krishnaamma

    krishnaamma Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    4,213
    Trophy Points:
    355
    Gender:
    Female
    Roles in Heaven

    Brahma : Systems Installation
    Vishnu : Systems Administration & Support
    Lakshmi : Finance and Accounts consultant
    Saraswati : Training and Knowledge Management
    Shiva : DBA (Crash Specialist)
    Ganesh : Quality Assuarance & Documentation
    Narada : Data transfer
    Yama : Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant
    Chitragupta : IDP & Personal Records
    Apsaras : Downloadable Viruses
    Devas : Mainframe Programmers
    Surya : Solaris Administrator
    Rakshasas : In house Hackers
    Ravan : Internet Explorer WWWF
    Kumbhakarnan : Zombie Process
    Lakshman : Support Software and Backup
    Hanuman : Linux/s390
    Vaali : MS Windows
    Sugreeva : DOS
    Jatayu : Firewall
    Dronacharya : System Programmer
    Vishwamitra : Sr. Manager Projects
    Shakuni : Annual appraisal & Promotion
    Valmiki : Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)
    Krishna : SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )
    Dharmaraj Yudhishthira : ISO Consultant (CMM level 5)
    Arjun : Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)
    Abhimanyu : Trainee Programmer
    Draupadi : Motivation & Team building
    Bhima : MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM
    Duryodhana : Microsoft product Written in VB
    Karna : Contract programmer
    Dhrutarashtra : Visual C++
    Gandhari : Dreamweaver
    100 Kauravas : Microsoft Service Packs and patches :p:p:p
     
  8. krishnaamma

    krishnaamma Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    4,213
    Trophy Points:
    355
    Gender:
    Female
    Superb BLADE

    One


    3 + 3 =8
    Bataaon Kaise?
















    Bataaon Bataaon!














    Nahi Pata?!!














    Are
    Galati se!!!!!!!!!!!

    *****************************************************************************************

    zindegi ek paheli hai...
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ------
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    --
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---
    ---

    scroll karne se solve nahi hogi....


    ****************************************************************

    Teacher: 'A' for?
    Student: Apple !!!
    Teacher: Jor se bolo
    Student: JAI MATA DI


    *******************************************************************************


    Ek baar ek aadmi ne badi tapasya ki.

    shivji khush .

    Prakat hue ...

    bole ...

    .

    .

    puttar maang ...

    maang kya chahiye tujhey !

    bakth utha ...

    bole shivji ...

    mujhey to aap sirf ek guitar de do !

    shivji bole kaisa gadha hai ?

    unhone kaha ... puttar ...

    tuney badi achchi tapsya ki hai ...

    kuch bada maang !

    .

    .

    .

    .

    wo fir bola ... nahi ji ..mujhey to aap guitar hi do
    shivji ne phir samajhaya .. abey . kuch dhang ka maang ... !

    par wo to ada hi hua tha ... bola nahi ... aap to mujhey guitar hi do !

    shivji usey bade pyaar se khopch me lekar samjhane lage ... bole ..yaar tu

    kuch aur maang .. guitar na maang .. !

    wo bola ... nahi nahi nahi !! mujhey sirf guitar hi chahiye ...

    ab shivji gussey main aa gaye ... boley ,(scroll down)

    .

    .

    .

    .

    .

    saale .. agar guitar mere paas hota to main ye damaru kyo bajata :)


    *******************************************************************************************

    What's the opposite of "Dominoes"???

    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think
    think

    tired of thinking???

    Well the answer is "Domi doesn't know"


    Whats the oppo! site of "Pizza Hut"




    ...











    ....







    .....

    okei don't kill me "Pizza Hutna math"



    ok whats the opp of venky's..


















    venlocks...
    (now,now,dont bang ur head plz..:bang)




    Whats the opposite of Gopalakrishnan?
























    Comepalakrishnan.


    What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy?






















    Subramanium Didn't See Me.




    ***************************************************

    A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.

    "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

    The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

    "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

    The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.

    By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD
    YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK!

    WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

    "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

    ************************************************************************************************************




    A guy is traveling in a deluxe car in the desert. He wants to take a bath, but he hasn't got a soap and there is no water anywhere around?

    what can he do?









    ->>He will integrate his d-lux car to get Lux + c (constant of integration) Using the lux soap he will take bath in the ?c ! (Sea)

    *************************************************************************************



    ek baar teen ants jarahi thee.......
    to unhein cheenee(sugar) ki bori milti hie to pahl! ee do cheenti to usmein se cheenee ke dane utha leti hei but ek nahi uthati batao kyu ..........



    kyunki













    kyunki





    use sugar ki beemari thee


    ************************************
    how do u place a camel in a fridge in three steps??
    ...
    ...
    1.open the fridge
    2.keep the camel inside it
    3.close the fridge
    n! ext one
    >>
    how do u place an elephant in the fridge in 4 steps??
    ..
    ...
    ..
    1.open fridge 2.take the camel out
    3.place the elephant inside
    4.close the door

    there was a jungle meeting. all the animals were required to report. all of them turned out, except one. who was it and why??


    .


    .

    .

    .

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .the elephant... u put it in the refridgerator, remember ???


    now u have to cross a river which ios inhabited by deadly crocodiles...but any way u have to cross that river ...how will u cross that ?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    it simple ...as all animals are attending the meeting ...so no crocodiles are there..so u can cross easily...

    Okay in the jungle meeting where all the animals reported, they were welcomed with gutkha.....only one animal requested for a particular brand. which animal and which brand?








    Ans: the animal is giraffe and he opted for "Manikchand" (Unche log unchi pasand !!!)


    king lion goes on a search to find elephant
    and has absolutely no problem in locatin this camel......y??








    becoz our elephant kept his footwear outside the fridge.




    suppose u need 2 transport all the things in ur house 4 relocating..suppose u go by aircraft ... it is losing height and pilot asks u throw something away to reduce load...what is the thing u will throw away to reduce the load??
    ...
    ...
    the elephant in the fridge!!!!!!!!


    two persons r talkin by the swimming pool...one says he wont swim bcoz he is afraid of dying bcoz of drowning.....the other one says ...hey dont be afraid..i'll show u how 2 swim and he dives in the pool n starts swimming....
    suddenly! , the man outside the pool dies...
    ........
    ...........
    guess why????????
    ..........
    .........
    .........
    the elephant falls on him.......(From the Fridge)
    .......
    ......
    ok enough time pass one final Q

    ek haathi agar swimming pool mein gir gaya
    to kaise bahar nikalega???????
    ........
    ........
    think
    ....
    think....
    .....
    ......
    ......
    .......
    .......
    .......
    .......
    geela ho ke nikalega......

    ********************************************************************************


    ek aadmi marne vala hei to use kya khilaoge .......

    sweets nope
















    salt nopes













    think













    think





















    are yaar
    birla white cement
    kyunki iske ander jaan hei.......



    *********************************************************************************************************

    whats difference between a man jumping from 1st floor and a man jumping from 10th floor?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    former goes (hit) aaaaaaaaa
    later goes aaaaaaaaa (hit)


    **************************************************************************
    Other than being fruits, what is common between an Apple and an Orange?


    think......
    ...........
    ...........
    ...........
    ...........
    ...........
    ...........
    ...........
    ..........
    ...........
    ...........
    ...........
    ...........
    ..........
    socho socho
    ...........
    ...........
    ...........
    ...........
    ..........
    ...........
    ...........
    ...........
    ...........
    ..........
    the answer is ..........
    They Both Are Not a Banana !!
    :p:p:p
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2006
    1 person likes this.
  9. krishnaamma

    krishnaamma Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    4,213
    Trophy Points:
    355
    Gender:
    Female
    This is so funny, but is creepy too!

    This is so funny, but is creepy too!



















    Think of a letter between
    A and W.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Repeat it
    out loud as
    you scroll down.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Keep going . . .
    Don't stop . . ..
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Think of an
    animal
    that begins
    with that letter.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Repeat it
    out loud
    as you
    scroll down.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Think of
    either a man's/woman's
    name
    that
    begins
    with the
    last letter
    in the
    animals name
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Almost
    there........
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Now
    count out
    the letters
    in that name
    on the fingers
    of the hand
    you are not
    using to
    scroll down.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Take the
    hand you
    counted with
    and hold it out
    in front of you
    at face level
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Look at your
    palm
    very closely
    and
    notice
    the
    lines
    in
    your
    hand
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Do the lines
    take the
    form of the
    first letter
    in the
    persons name?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    . Of course not.......
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Now smack
    yourself in the head, get a life,
    and
    quit playing
    stupid
    e-mail games!
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Don't
    tell the secret
    to others,
    just send
    them this e-mail!
     
  10. krishnaamma

    krishnaamma Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    4,213
    Trophy Points:
    355
    Gender:
    Female
    Voice Mail

    We have all learned to live with 'voice mail' as a necessary part of modern
    life. But have you wondered, what if God decided to install voicemail?'

    Imagine praying and hearing this:

    Hi! Thank you for calling GOD.

    Please select one of the following options:

    Press 1 for Requests
    Press 2 for Thanksgiving
    Press 3 for Complaints
    Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.
    Else wait for our Customer Support Executive.

    What if God used the familiar excuse... 'I'm sorry, all of our angels are
    busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it as received, so please stay on the line.'

    Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in Prayer:

    If you would like to speak to Ganeshji, Press 1.
    For Lord Hanuman, Press 2.
    For Lord Krishna, Sorry He is on Annual Leave!
    For a directory of other God's & Angels, Press 3.
    If you would like to hear Narad sing a Bhajan while you are holding, please
    press 4.
    To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his
    or her PAN number, then press the 0 key. If you get a negative response,
    try area code 420 for (Hell).

    Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

    Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM . If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local Priest at your neighbourhood Temple.

    THANK GOD, HE DOESN'T HAVE VOICE MAIL AND LISTENS WHENEVER WE PRAY!!!!! :p:p:p
     

Share This Page