How To Take This

You live in the US, educated, work full time and have kids.
You no longer enjoy marital bliss, no companionship from spouse. But he is abusive, has trust issues and suffocates your life.
You know it is not right, and started regretting this marriage. But you are not ready, for whatever the reason to divorce this person.

Your worry is much more about the society and facing social exclusion after divorce than the physical abuse and suffocation you suffer in the marriage.
The moment you realize the suffocation or abuse is worse or going out of hand, you would walk out of this marriage at least for survival. Because we don't worry much about society and others when it is about life or death situation.
But I can't guarantee that you will be in a well balanced mind-set or physical condition to decide this at that time.

Secondly, no one will put up abusive marriage if they have a solid support system. I mean a family or close friends that stands by them without judgement.
The fear of taking this matter to the people in India makes you continue in this suffocated life. This means, you must work on your support system.

It is time to separate from such useless support system, and invest your time in creating a solid support system. It doesn't have to be blood relation, but friends, colleagues, support groups, etc..etc... to give you the feeling that someone is there to support you no matter what.

The moment you realize that you are independent and can make decisions based on what is best for you/kids without having to worry much about others (be it parents, family etc...), you will be in a better position to decide for your marriage life.

 

OP, You are already living a divorced life. You are finding your own happiness, working for the betterment of kids by yourself and trying as much as possible to stay away from your husband.

What divorce will give you is:
1. Money from your husband for child support
2. No fear on the mood swings, physical and mental abuse of your husband
3. When your kids are with your husband ( if you have joint custody), your husband will be showing more of the nicer sides to the kids and less of the bad side, you children will be more healthier and happier.
4. More support and understanding from your friends and family
5. More time and energy to do things what you value.

What you will have to give up:
Make it official to the world that you are no longer with him.

You might ignore but these have long term impact on your kids and they are likely to inherit the traits of their father.

You have a choice, use it well.

 

What's your status in USA.
H1, GC .
That will give more clarity in answering.
Since you don't want to go back to India.

 

Yes , i feel this is a starting Q, instead of throwing the D word all over.

If you are in Visa. it is tricky with being a dependent. then I guess you need to keep a short ultimatum to him about changing his behavior otherwise no communication in the house. no means no . no talk. no involvement .

if you are in gc. it is different . legal separation based on your state or you can mention about co-parenting. living in different homes and taking care. or final Divorce.

this is just abuse , it needs to stop. yes i understand men get angry due to high T levels. but anger has to be justified. if my DH enters home after 10 hrs of work and i am also working and without any reasons starts shouting and abusing it is just abuse and needs to be stopped. but if he is angry because i did not do anything like for kids when he mentioned . i have to work with him on that. this is just example. not diverting the main thread.

 

Is your husband also in visa or does he have GC?

 

You seems to be detached from this person and happy on your own
But your kids may not be.Kids gets so broken seeing abuse around or towards their mom.They may not be expressing it,but their childhood is getting trashed due to the home environment.Unknowingly they may be absorbing all the sadness around and the traits.Please be kind to you and your kids.twp happy homes is better than a broken home.

 

Its a tricky situation. Standing up for yourself and kids is the only option. Seperation is a good option in your case at least to give him a shock and to show you are not going to tolerate it any more.

Do you have your own visa? If not, if you go for D, you may have to leave USA.

But its a very toxic and abusive situation. My suggestion is to be firm. Tell him very clearly that if he well if hes you, you will call 911 and file divorce ( doing so is another story, but it should be the way you present)
If he call bad names, tell him firmly "you should not talk like this, this is not how educated people talk. I will record it and send to your family and friends ( this is something people fear, revealing there true self)"
If he doubts your character, tell him, if he doubts your character he dont have to live with you and he can move out. Once you convey, dont talk further and move away from the venue. Dont go back to him pleading or asking. Just have an idont care attitude. He never faced any consequences to his actions. He thinks you are worthless and confident he will never face ant reaction. You have to shatter that belief. You are still helpong him protect his image.

Try to talk to him when kids are away and can't listen. Be careful as he is physically abusive. Tell him very clearly you are going to inform both sets of family about it if he continue this approach.

I also suggest you to use a voice activated audio recorder hidden and record every thing. As he has good image, no body belives you. Also, its for protection.

As you are with him, try grey rock method ( youtube ). Reply only if he asks anything, or you need to ask regarding home and kids. Try to maintain peace. Dont involve in any way with him, dont explain, no question or criticism to shatter his fragile ego, and focus on career, kids, your health and life.

Its a temporary solution, but are you ready to tolerate this for your life. I am not sure if he is narcistic or not, but watch drRamanis channel on how to handle these kind of people. That helps. Its sad that victims have to make efforts instead of the abuser. Always talk in cold neutral tone.

You deserve better, your kids deserve better. No need to sacrifice your life for an abuser. So, plan well if you like to exit. You can also consider talking to a therapist for helping yourself.

 

Then think. Take your time and decide.
You got only one life. Why put up with so much abuse and listen to vulgar words everyday.

 

you have no respect for yourself
tolerating this is awful
dont be so scared and convince yourself this is ok and take abuse.
leave him