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How to tackle this matter in a diplomatic way

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Feb 11, 2016.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I have posted a thread about the problems I am facing right now at my family due to my mom and bro in another thread. You can read this thread here http://www.indusladies.com/forums/p...ssues-my-family-origin-foo-3.html#post3679597

    From all of your suggestions, I have come to a clear conclusion as below:-

    - My FOO isn't over from the past issues with my H and in laws yet.
    This creates a lot of uncertainty when they mingle together. Plus any events like vacations could trigger serious issues even if it was a tiniest difference of opinion. So, it is always better to avoid joint trips, joint ventures etc.... in the future.

    - My mom is extremely insecure and uncomfortable about the situation where she is in right now. She likes to stay with me, as she believes my house, her role at my family and the surrounding is more familiar and comfortable to her. She likes this way until her last times. However, my bro forces her emotionally and verbally many times to spend equal times at his place as well. He wasn't like this before his marriage. But with his child, he becomes extremely competitive and possessive. So, he thinks it is mom's responsibility to take care of his child, teach her and showers love.
    His request is also reasonable, because his PILs are living in abroad, and his wife (SIL) doesn't spend quality time with her child (in spite of a SAHM). Bro is way too much affectionate with the kid and the kid is also yearning for dad all the time. He thinks mom can sooth the child when he is not around, as SIL is so mechanical when it comes to loving kids.

    With this, mom feels uncomfortable to say NO to his request. Instead she pretends as if she is needed here at my place. She even makes me believe that I will be nothing without her. My kids will be spoiled and unattended as every single maid/nanny we bring home is bad. My MIL who comes to be with the kids on and off are very bad, even my kids can't stay with their own dad. She blew up things out of proportion to ensure she is always needed here.
    I never minded this, and ignored this often as I too was happy if mom could care my kids. She is a best mom, bestest grand mom - no doubt.

    However, this makes my bro - who is in need of mom - believes that I am forcing mom to be with us. I am emotionally or verbally preventing her from being with her other children. He thinks mom is differentiating between his and my kids, which is not right. So, forcing mom to come there.

    In this process, he thinks I am keeping mom like a maid, whereas he is ready to keep her at his place as a queen.

    Mom is dragged here and there at the age of 67, which is most unfortunate.

    Although I ignore mom's comments all the times knowing she speaks like this to secure a comfortable place at my home, I can't digest when it is directed at me as if I am using mom.
    I can accept when Bro or anyone blame my H for that matter. It gets to my nerves, and I naturally react. Which causes hiccups, that mom becomes often vulnerable and becomes a ball which is passed here and there.

    Although she has her own home, its been 7 years since she lived there. The house is given for rent, and mom is enjoying that money.

    At this age, and health condition - specially her emotional need to be around with people, I don't think she can live alone.

    This matter has been communicated with Bro, directly and through my other SIS in a diplomatic manner. But he thinks he is doing a great favor to me by allowing mom to stay with me, despite of his child needs her.
    And he is accusing, I am not treating mom well, not allowing her live freely, and those blowing those past petty issues with my H to say mom is uncomfortable with me. He believes she will be fine at his place.

    So I really feel mom should live there for a while, and both should have the experience. But can't ask my fragile, emotional mom this, knowing she doesn't like this idea.

    What to do?
     
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  2. Harini73

    Harini73 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi SGBV,

    I have been reading your posts and it is very sad to see your and mothers situation.

    But you need to give yourself and your mother a break.

    You will have to convince her that your brother kid needs her more than your kid.Use that kid and say that she needs the grandmother emotionally.Just ask her stay there for a month and if she wants to come on week ends just say that you are planning to go out or you have some outside work and discourage your mother from coming on week ends also.

    At least let her be with your brothers family for a month.Both of them will understand each other well.Also your mother will know that you can survey without her.

    If needed you tell her that you are feeling guilty for not allowing her to stay in your brothers house because of you.So you want to take charge of your life and allow her to enjoy her life.

    I know it will be easy for us to give you suggestion,but difficult for you personally.still some how send your mother at least for a month to your brothers house.Otherwise your brothers attitude will damage your siblings relationship also.Also if this continues your relationship with your mother will also be questionable.



    Take care.

     
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  3. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Your brother spoke to you about your mother's issues at your home. You took them seriously and resolved them by getting a nanny, maid, etc. Similarly, if he wants her to stay with him, he has to make her comfortable in his home.

    Does he know her reasons for preferring to stay at your home? If not, talk to him. If he knows and still doesn't want to create an inviting home for her, he has no grounds for complaints. You can't force her to go and live where she is not happy.
     
  4. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't understand something. When your mom openly says to your brother that you can't handle your family without her , why can't you interrupt her and tell both of them that you will manage and that she can go there?

    I think if it comes directly from your mouth, there will not be any misunderstanding from your brother's side. He will come to know that your mom is not ready ultimately. Your ILs also have equal rights to spend with their grandchildren. It is very wrong of your mother to say that your ILs will not take care of them well, and trying to create distance within your family.

    The best solution would be to openly talk to your brother when he calls your mom. Don't make it sound rude, make it happen like you too realise his kids need your mom's love. Inspite of taking good care of your mom why do you people have to get a bad name? And also replying with respect to your previous thread, it is very wrong that your brother openly shouted at your husband for discussing about your mom's accomodation in the trip. I am sure with all these incidents , your husband may also not like to have your mom with you. As much as you want a nuclear family to have peace, he too deserves one with just you and your kids. Never let anyone talk bad about your husband or to your husband. And never ever side with those people who do this. Your poor husband will be left alone with no one to support wherein you should be holding his side.

    Anyway make things clear to your mom and to your brother. Good luck to you to make this happen in a peaceful way.
     
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks for your response. It is clear that you did not understand my actual problem. In fact, I am not coming from a very functional family, where husband took his role just right, and we are balancing. Sadly, that's not/never the case with us. In this 7 years of marriage, almost 4 years have gone with our sincere attempts to point out my husband as to which is his family, and who is his first priority.
    With a kid in hand, I didn't beg for his mercy like many doormat wives would do. But I took charge of my own life, excelled in my career and had everything around me to make this dysfunctional family sounds completely functional before the eyes of the society.
    My mom and brother (and certain times sister too) stood strongly beside me; so that I could face this challenge easily. My kid (son) never missed a dad's figure when my husband conveniently sat at in laws' house, spent his full pay ch for them, and least bothered to visit us.
    But my brother did almost everything to my son.

    Somehow things have changed. My husband realized his mistakes with a very bad luck. He learnt about people and his wrong stand at last. Apologized and showed true changes with time.
    Its been the best 3 years of our lives, where we live as a proper family. Until last year, I did not allow my husband to be the decider of anything, as I couldn't trust him. The transition wasn't easy. I didn't want to drastically fail once again. But when I see his patience and true acceptance about all this, I too want to relax a bit.
    The past year was so great that we play the typical H and W role, where I take charge of the family, and my H takes charge of the earning/responsiblity part. And we do it perfectly now.

    But until recently, I couldn't have done it anything without mom's help. I owe so much to my mom.

    However, I wouldn't have forced mom to be with me unless she is comfortable and liked here. There were certain occasions like I was on long leave for 30 days, 15 days etc..) and I could have perfectly be with the kids. And that's when both my sis and bro needed her.
    There were times when I was on a long maternity leave, and I was perfectly fine after the first 3 months. But she refused to go anyone's place.
    So she isn't fully devoting her life for us, but her presence is invaluable for us.

    I have told my bro and sis several times in the recent past that I can handle my life and kids alone. I have told them in a praising mode that my in laws are great, H has changed, and I have got a very flexible job now. More so, they even know that my kids have grown, elder one is schooling and going out for extra curricular in the eve. Little one is pre schooling; hence mom is less needed here unlike before.
    But mom often makes it a point someway or the other that she is needed here.
    Since she is living with us, she knows every nity gritty issues between me and H, between me and in laws. Although they were small, and I have never considered them worth a mentioning, she would blow this out of proportion to tell my siblings that I have problems even now. So she is needed here.
    There were many times that I have tried to hide those problems, and they were many times that I have pleaded mom not to tell this to my siblings, as I feel uncomfortable and less respected. But she somehow tells all this before me whenever I open up a topic about "Mom staying at bro's house".
    My problems and instability in life has given her a convenient excuse to stay with me forever. Which I have no problems with. She is a great supporter. However, when others politicize this, I feel sandwiched.

    She never get along with SIL, and I am sure she can't handle there. They have more family problems than us now.
    Likewise, she can't stay with my other sister whose in laws are living with her.

    As for not allowing others to comment about H.
    They have already commented so bad about H, and their comments were not wrong then.
    There was a point when I couldn't stop others from commenting bad about my H.
    Because he failed to earn his own respect.
    He clearly did not work so hard to keep his prestige as a man/husband or dad.
    However till today I fight with my FOO whenever they utter a wrong word about my H.
    Sometimes they think I am blindfolded, and try to help.
    Just that my H is not poor.
     
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  6. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    True..I didn't know much about your past. But leaving aside your terms with your husband, everything else that I said still holds good.

    Yes, it was very helpful of her to have stayed with you during tough times, but now that you are slowly settling ensure that you are finding a balance with respect to relationships with people. Most women after marriage face this trouble of not knowing whom to support(spouse or parents).

    Doesn't it surprise you when your mother clearly sides with your siblings certain times? And it sure will be disappointing. Anyway this is the tricky part about people and relationships, we never know how a person might behave even though it may be our own mother.

    I still feel you should openly tell your brother in front of your mother that now you can manage and that his kids do need them. Don't make it sound like you are done with extracting work from her for you. Just give a concerned response to him. Whatever your issues previously were is past. And as your children grow older, all the support that they require may be emotional and not physical support . This you will be able to provide them for sure. So tell them the time when you were struggling is gone, and now you can handle. And not just about receiving her support for your children, her absence in your home for sometime may even work in creating a bond between you and your husband and soon things will fall into its place:)

    Iam still not sure if my response will help you, but think about it because only you know what is best for you. Take care dear.
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    No doubt. You are indeed helping me. Your concerns are eye opener to me. And I am trying my best to take your advice as per my situations.

    I have no problem having an open talk with my bro regarding this in front of mom. But I know for sure that my mom will be caught red handed for hiding behind my vulnerability for her comforts.
    Her stand to chose where she wants to spend the rest of her live is valid. I do understand this. Me and my sis have communicated this with mom openly, and she clearly prefers my place for comforts. Plus as an elderly woman, she wants to be useful, and not as a burden. So, speaking this in detail would only make my mom vulnerable, and unwanted. She has a fragile ego and a very low emotional condition. She is weak, and I don't want to make her further weak and uncomfortable.

    This way, I can clearly win the battle. But for what? who?
    Mom will be sent back to bro's house. She will be uncomfortable, and will feel even uncomfortable to return.
    Even if she returns upon her request, she won't feel useful, rather a burden.
    She is truly a successful woman, and never begged or bent over before others. Even during our hard times, she survived with the minimums, but never asked any favor from others. Because of her hard-works only, we are here - successful.
    We (me and sis) really don't want to put mom in great trouble and emotional turmoil for the rest of her elderly life to win this battle with bro.

    But we have tried various other ways to prove bro that mom can stay with me, as she is used here. But she will come to his place during weekends (his place is closeby). But he still thinks it is our selfishness and we are using mom.

    The more he thinks this way, the more he pressurizes mom to come. So the cycle repeats.

    As for the bond between me and my H.. Things are going great between us otherwise. Mom's presence is never a problem for us although we had issues in the past about this.
    Our house is too big with 4 floors; hence mom staying at one floor is never a privacy problem for us. Rather H too values mom's presence for the sake of kids.
    H doesn't know mom's trust issues on him; hence the bad mouthing with me.

    If mom is ok to live at bro's place, I will be all fine to support that wholeheartedly. I will still visit her and ensure she meets my kids often. I will even invite her to my place whenever there is a special event or whenever she wants to come. I am ok with that. Because I feel mom should rest and feel comfortable at whereever she prefers to live.
    I can even take this positively to my personal side to have all my house under me/my family. Less drama, less interventions etc...

    But if mom doesn't like this, and it is clearly known to me... how can I push her to live somewhere uncomfortable? How cruel it will be for an elderly woman, who has done so much to make my life great.
     
  8. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    SGBV, I read ur other thread too. Sorry for a frank reply. I don't think your mother and brother are wrong. She is just having some insecurities of an old woman. Your brother too wants your mom at his side for his kid. I will suggest one thing. You have an open talk(may be emotional) with your mother, try to convince her how much your mother is needed at your bro's kids side at this moment. Your sis in law is a first time mother and her parents far away. U mentioned in your previous thread that ur brother played a fatherly role for your son when your husband was not present. So take this moment as a reward for him and wholeheartedly convince your mom how much your brother and his family needs her now. Once the sis in law is familiar enough to handle with the kid, your mother can stay wherever she want. Tell your mom that ur bro is feeling that u are taking advantage of her and this hurts u to the core. Ask her if she also thinks like that. Request her and convince her that she is equally responsible to her son too!! Tell her if anything goes wrong with the sis in law, u are always there for her, but avoiding the stay at there altogether will not be a good idea. Reading ur threads, I think l your brother is a good brother, who supported you soon much in your hard times. So try to talk from his side to your mom. Your mom stay there for some days will solve all your problems, I think. At one point, your bro will also realise u too tried to make things right
     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I can very clearly understand this. That's why I have already discussed this a several times with my mom directly and indirectly. A few times via my sister.
    My mom clearly knows this, and supports bro by visiting him every weekends.
    She actually goes there on Fridays in the eve to spend the next 3 nights there and come back only on Monday mornings. So that she can be helpful at my place as I go to work.
    But everytime she returns on Saturday afternoon, saying she is very much uncomfortable there.

    In fact, my brother's house is very comfortable in facility wise. Mom has got nothing to do there. Bro works even during the weekends, or sits before the TV if he is free. If that is not the case, he will invite his friend for a drink at nights and goes to their balcony.
    SIL doesn't share a great chemistry with mom, although she is nice. They have got nothing much to talk to each other. She will serve food for mom, and then locks herself inside her room to sleep or be with the kid or do her hobbies etc..
    Either she will hand over the kid to mom throughout the day, which mom feels as tiring.
    She did the same for my kids when I was working, and didn't complain. But now she feels tiring, because of her age (she is 67 now), and feels SIL as a stay at home mom should support.
    Because whenever I am at home, I wouldn't make mom to stress with my kids.
    These are typical MIL/DIL matters, which I understand. I know that my mom would do anything for me. But my MIL wouldn't do the same.

    Mom is a TV soap fan. At my house she has a TV, and she is allowed to watch whatever she wishes to watch. But bro disconnected the cable connection as he thinks it is not good for the family. They have some other hobbies. So, mom feels so bored without her soap.

    She has an entertaining hobby at my place. She is always with that machine, and makes different styles of dresses for her grand kids.
    Since her machine is so old, my SIL feels it can spoil the beauty of their home. So, mom is indirectly not allowed to take her machine when she goes there. Even my bro thinks, mom has to come there to be with their kid, and not to entertain her hobby.
    Also, her hobby hurts her back at this age. She never listens, and always likes to be active. Bro asks her to rest. She feels suffocated to sleep all the time.

    And she shares a great amount of emotional connection with me. Even she discusses her soap characters with me enthusiastically. She gossips with me, advises me. She feels valued and respected at my place.
    With bro's being a man, both have nothing to speak more than 1 hr at a stretch, that too whenever he is free. SIL doesn't speak much by nature.
    So, she feels mum, and that is stressing her.

    More so, she is a thyroid patient. Who has emotional imbalance. She fears a lot about spoiling her great relationship with bro, if there was any bad day with SIL due to that. She is really insecure about bro's unconditional love for SIL and his kid, although she is very happy about that. She thinks what if SIL misunderstand her, what if I couldn't perfectly care for the running 1 yr old, and make any mistakes, then my son would blast at me. So, with that fear, she is uncomfortable there.

    When she is clearly uncomfortable, and doesn't wanna go.. How can I force her to go?

    Now, she doesn't wanna tell this to bro. Again the same old age fear of losing her married son's love and care. She tries within her limits to balance. But it doesn't seem to be working
     
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  10. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear @ sgbv,

    Your mom is old ,but she needs to behave more reasonable with her children.She should not behave biased to the point of creating misunderstanding bet siblings .Your sis may have forgiven her mom for not being happy to handle her new born ,but your bro is not ready to do the same................its not wrong on thier part to wish for a slice of your moms affection that she willingly showers on your kids.Running away from your brothers house not willing to spend even 2 nights is adding salt to your bro wounds.Your moms attitude stink.

    You need to talk to your brother about adding your mom-friendly features to his house to make her stay comfortable.He seems to think that your mom should be available to his child all the time and grudge her passions as wastes.Request him to get cable for her soap shows and a space to accommodate her hobby.Tell your bro that treating your mom a queen is entitled her to live her life as she wishes ..........not to the idea of how he wants her to live.Your brothers attitude too stinks.

    Both needs to find a common ground to solve thier issues.Its simply not fair to force you to treat as a smashing board in-bet thier fight.Your mom hides behind you to shield her comforts and your bro is attacking you to get his mom on his own terms.

    Any chance your Sil is acting clever by making your moms stay more stressful by tiring her with the child whole day and by denying your mom any form of diversions?
     
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