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How To Tackle Control Freek Inlaws

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by salad, Jun 2, 2017.

  1. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    Please forgive my anger on this situation. But it is not fair.
    The first time they took control and outrightly rejected to give you back your hard earned money to invest, it should have been enough for you guys to never let them control your finances again. Now you are sending money every month, even though they do not need. BIG MISTAKE.
    Anyhow..
    Now, first of all- DO NOT ( I repeat ) DO NOT PANIC!!!!
    Bullies thrive on panicky people or create panicky situations to bend strong people.
    Even if you are in panic, try not to show it.

    second, next time they talk about finances- Ask them how exactly they got financially independent? I mean what ways they ensured that they remain financially independent?
    Hopefully, that will shed a good light on their money habits, including snatching away their kid's salaries. HORRIBLE.. JUST horrible behavior.

    3rd, Your income, investments, and your expenses are your business. No one should be asking you for this. From generations long before our grandparents, it was considered a bad manner to ask someone about their incomes and wealth in general. But if they still demand, tell them that you make enough to feed yourself and survive on your own, even when they refused to give back your monies. Tell them that you earn enough to never borrow from them.

    4th, automate all your paper statements- bank, investments, credit card bills, insurance payments etc. Scan all the hardcopies, save them on drives, and lock away absolute essential paper documents you will need. Best is invest in a locker in the bank just for your important documents. W2s, salary statements are especially important. I hold off our mails for the time MIL was around.

    5th, next time if she underestimates your job- tell her that you support her son so that he does not have to work harder or worse borrow money from them.

    6th, people back home have this weird concept of converting dollars in rupees. But they absolutely have no clue how much we pay here for taxes or the basic necessities. So try to explain the concept of taxes to them. We just do not pay taxes on income, we bloody pay taxes for every time we shop for necessities. Circle the tax amount on every receipt with red ink and show it to them.

    7th, downgrade your expenses if you can before they visit you. I mean, curb all that is not necessary. We rarely do mall shopping, so it was just easier for us. But once she discovered the American malls and Credit cards, my MIL went crazy. she understood that credit card will pay for her beauty stuff and bags and what not. She racked up the limit and I had to cancel it. Now if she is with us, none of us carry credit/ debit cards with us. Only hard cash like max $500 in the house. My MIL wanted to know everything as well. DH could not hold back his answers so I had to intervene multiple times. We would go for weekly or bimonthly grocery shopping- that is it!

    8th- Automate your savings to a new account which you and DH can not access easily. Get email statements. Pls lock your laptops and your phones. I can not tell you how many times, MIL tried to get into our phones and locked the phones.

    9th- Limit on how much you want to spend on outings and try to stay within that limit. Outings out of state get expensive real fast. The travel, the hotel, the food and the tourist places all add up faster. So smartly plan your travels making the most of cheap travel destinations. Do not think that they are here for the first time so it is ok to spend. It is ok to spend when our parents are generally awesome. not in this case. if you spend once, you will set the routine for them

    10th, they are visiting you for the first time. Make the most of this time in setting the actual boundaries. Be assertive, but be polite as well. Remember, it is your money honey. IT is time for you guys to start working towards your financial independence. I am not sure if you have kids, but if you are planning or have them, you are responsible for educating them financially. Your take on how you handle this situation is the biggest lesson for them and for the weird In-laws.

    I became a bad DIL by not disclosing our situation with In-laws, but if that ensures the safety of our financial situations, I do not mind. Besides, now I do not even care what she thinks or talks about me. Because no amount of spending or giving away would have ever stopped her from calling me names. You guys need to be in control now.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2017
  2. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    @ashneys and @Sangeeta85 . I know need to write my story . You already know it. My dh have one sibling . Who enjoy life to the fullest and my in-laws support him telling he is a baby , he doesn't know much( he is married with kids) . Being elders you guys need to adjust and take care of everything. I never know why they put much pressure on my dh and so much flexibility for younger one. But we already discussed all this 100 times and they are thinking they are right . Before we had very close relationship . Now we are maintaining this relationship .

    We are still maintaining this relationship as they are our parents and sibling .
    Sometime it get harder to even do that !!
     
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  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Sorry OP, that's why I said it is the last option ( I didnt mean to say the same sentence- but different versions implying the same meaning). But your idea looks good. You can say dh controls/handles everything better talk to him and walk away if you can from the scene (learn various versions of "I dont know") or act busy with something else. That will also avoid your head ache of discussing these topics. But always think well before talking. It is sad that we have to lie and act in these kind of situations. Anyway have a talk with dh before their arrival.
    I think you need to give them a clear idea on how expensive to live and to save money here. Most people in India think in terms of Dollars. If they know you earn 100K. They calculate that way. (wow!). They dont know that we dont get that due to taxes and lot of additional payments here. In addition we have rent/mortgage,tv/internet/insurance monthly payment etc add up to few 1000's of dollars per month. May be your dh should talk/ teach these to his parents. Chances are that they may get some idea. Anyway, I feel they try to control you because you guys allowed them to do that way. May be slowly(step by step) neglecting their demands may help in future. Do whatever you can do, not more that limit...
    Good luck
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2017
    salad likes this.
  4. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    They pressure the older ones all the time.. but u don't be sweet anymore bcz they never end demanding .do give them when they really need but start telling them u can't spend like before..
     
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  5. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Did not realize there was a younger Sibling to make things messier . Do you know if the money that you send the MIL is being invested for the younger one ? Also doesn't the FIL have his own savings etc to take care of his "future" ?
    I assume you will plan kids in the future , so please watch out for yourself and the family's financial interestS. Parents spend equal amount and time raising the elder and younger children, so it doesn't make sense that the elder one is solely responsible for them . please take care of this issue asap. If the husband cannot,you have to put your foot down.
    Take care !

     
    salad likes this.
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh.. in this case you are never going to see this money even after they die. They would have probably written it all off for him after them.

    I have similar in laws who thinks it's ok for my dh to walk a path of thorns n but a path of flower bed for my bil, the only thing that saves us is that my dh stands up for the right n wrong with them on his own.

    For some reason, the responsible one is just given more burden and the lazy ones are made more lazy by parents like these. but the truth is, this will NEVER stop until you stop or atleast get a good control.
     
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  7. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    @blessings1010 i wonder if we have same mil :eek:!!!! thank you for all those tips and tricks. I understand why you are feeling angry .. when I realized we are being used ,we took really hard step . We did all the automation , we limited the amount we are sending . I literally became a bad Dil they have spread rumors about me and my family . We have been through all that already .

    They keep doing emotionally black mail. When they do that they will be the best parents . As I said I used to be very close and I don't care much now.

    Exactly this is like a second stage . I need to be alert . We are financially independent . We have a kid. Now they are coming to stay with us . They are not planning for a happy time, instead aim to make our life hell. This time I have to be more strong and prepared so I can show them I am not going to fall in the trap. Your message made me more strong . Thank you .
     
  8. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    Very Nice. More power to you. You have a kid so they must understand and support your vision for your family's well-being. If possible, try to involve them in the kid's activities, of course, if they have strength and willingness to do so. Kid's education and well-being are a good reason to not cater to any of their current and future unnecessary demands of money Hopefully, that will shift their focus a bit away from planning and controlling you all.

    For our case, MIL just assumes that we have no kids, so no financial planning needs.
     
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  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    oh.the same as my house.my husband has elder bro.
    they bought property in brother name with our money.pleas be careful or you will end up like me
     
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  10. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah this is really valid point. The more we are trying to be peaceful the more they are trying to dominate. It's better atleast we care for ourself and plan for us . They never gonna stop using us. More than that ,they think it's very normal!! Thank you so much for your reply . It made me realise me being strong is normal and that is the real step I need to take.
     

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