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How To Tackle Control Freek Inlaws

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by salad, Jun 2, 2017.

  1. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all I need some suggestion and support .

    Little background . My in-laws used to control everything . Finance ,vacations everything . They will decide what to do and how to do and we are suppose to follow blindly . They invested my dh salary in their name and when we needed it to make some down payment they said " it's our money we won't give" . It was a shock to us . Cause my dh used to hand over all the money to his mom and she invested everything in her name !!

    Fast forward we both came to abroad . Every month we are sending xxxx money . They demanded every month we should send 1 lakh!! we said xxxx is all what we can give . We had to go through hell lot of situation but we managed it some how . Now they are coming abroad to stay with us for few months. ( We didn't invite them ,they invited them self and this time we have no other option than saying yes( it's another long story )

    Now once they come here . They will keep on asking how much is my dh salary ? My salary ,rent etc etc . How can I stop them . I don't want to repeat the history . They demand money based on how much we make rather than how much they need !! ( they are financially independent ). I will treat them nicely ( gifts & vacation trips ) . I just want to have some peaceful happy memory . As of now they don't know I am working . In the past I had very bad experience ( They will degrade me she is working entry level( even though I am not) , she won't get promotion , she won't get salary hike . My mil is a housewife but she keep on taunting me and making unwanted comments ! Fil always talk degrading woman and bad part is mil being a woman she keep on encouraging that .)

    If I start adding all the details it will be a very long post. My dh is a decent man but still afraid of his parents. Sometime he gives back, sometime he keeps quite . I am sure all the questions will be towards me. Give me some ideas how can I avoid such difficult situations.

    I don't want them to peek into our finance ( they normally check each and every bag and documents . I tried my level best to hide it though )My mil directly warned me once I come their I will get all the control back !!

    Give me some ideas , suggestions. Sorry for very long post . I am already panick when I think they are coming here .
     
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  2. Reshma13

    Reshma13 Bronze IL'ite

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    Sad to hear that they have so much control over your life. The first thing that comes to their mind if you are abroad is that you people are earning lakhs together and having gala time there. They dont try to understand your situation.
    Just keep your MIL at a distance. Show them that you both are too busy with work. If she asks your salaries just ignore or give a random answer like " how much ever you earn it isn't sufficient to live here".dont give them the figures.
     
    salad likes this.
  3. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Your in laws are bullies and are able to control your lives to this extent because both of you allow them to. Instead of worrying about them, make up some reason and tell them not to come. Plain and simple as that. If the husband is tongue tied,you have to put your foot down .
    If you still have them come over, invest in a good safe and lockup all your documents ( take the keys with you to work :) ). It's nobody's business how much money you make or what your position at work is .
    I also do not understand why you and husband are armtwisted to send money every month . It's your finances and you take care of your future. It's obvious you will not see any of this money ever again. What about the investments your MIL made with your husbands money ? Can't they live off that? Both of you are being treated as cash cows by the in laws who seem to milking it as much as they can. You are an adult and you need to stop this right away
     
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  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, A tough situation. I dont know whether I can give any fruitful ideas to deal with this. Anyway sharing my thoughts here. First, have a talk with your dh on how to deal with and how to answer them if they ask about your finance. You both need to be consistent , that may help. If I were in your shoes, I wont entertain any talk on finance. I will directly say I dont want to talk about this and I dont any discussion on . If you are here stay and enjoy dont probe into anything else. (only if other peaceful strategies fail)

    If you don't like them checking your documents, you can keep all in a bag and lock it in your office, till they go, if that is possible. If you lock anything in your home, they may ask. But if they do, give them a strong message by your body language or expression that you don't like it.

    You need to give them ' mind their business' or just ignore any talk on it or openly say, let us talk some thing else. Just let them know you are not kids and adults and you know what you are doing. if they demand salary details say a lower number.

    Best way is ignore any discussion or change topic on this.. if she starts talking about again you can explain how difficult it is to survive or save in USA. the price of things in Indian rupees etc. like you dont have much.. or you are getting only enough to survive. Create the impression that you are struggling to even send the money every month . You do that because you love them/care them.

    Take them to grocery store/ or other store and show the prices here. That will convince them.. each time talk about its price in Indian rupees. It is tough, but only then they realize how expensive it is to live here. for example if we need 20000 per month / India to buy groceries, here we many need 2/3 lakhs IR per month for the same stuff, depending on the state we live (just an example).

    Take a decision and prepare your mind that you are not going to reveal your financial details even when they ask many times. Try different strategies with a calm mind..If nothing works tell them directly your displeasure.Good luck.

    Sharing a story: my close face similar things from her ILS. They asked and demanded her salary, she told them directly that if she know how to get a job she know how to manage money, she don't need anyone help. There was some fuss, but it slowly went down.. sometime we need to be very bold.
     
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  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Your in laws are being greedy, selfish n are bullies. I have heard of stories like this, in most cases they use this one kid like a free ATM machine n take all their money n spend it for themselves n the other siblings (buying properties n all on their's and siblings name). Does your hubby have siblings?

    Am really glad that you guys realized all this early in life and had time to save yourselves from a point of no return.

    Now hearing all this, when they come, they are not gona stop ignoring or let you evade this money topic. Instead try quoting an amount where they won't ask extra than what you are giving right now. Lie about your rent, salary n expenses. Lieing is better in this situation than bringing down a world of pain all over again.

    Spend less when they are there. Behave like you people only make enough. No need to show off, it will come bak to bite you. If they insult saying you are making less money, ask them to pay back the money they have taken for so long or say look we don't have any excess, we want to stop sending you any money. Not that they will agree, but atleast they won't demand more.

    If they have something to say about your job, either give it bak or jus ignore.

    If she is scaring you about taking over your home, pack a suitcase with all your bank documents, financial documents, expensive clothing, jewellery, electronics, home items or basically anything that will bother her n keep it in your office locker or ask a friend for help to keep it for a while.

    In your case it's better to be safe than sorry. So just plan the whole thing and behave carefully till they leave.
     
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  6. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you for your reply .I understand this . We actually live with very limited resources. We take vacations but we keep a budget and do accordingly. We think we need to save maximum.

    Yeah I think I need to come to a single sentence , so that they won't ask further .
     
  7. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    Mine inlaws r greedy they ask a lot of money n we end up Giving them but I have started to lie abt my husband income ..just lie all the matter belonging to money but remember what u lied..
     
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  8. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    @Sandycandy thank you for your reply. Whatever you said is correct . We are sure we won't see that money ever again . When we ask they tell us " we may need it for future !! ( I thought 60s are future!!) they are in their 60s and retired . They don't want to touch their savings now . Being an elder son & dil, we are entitled to take care of them . The more we are trying to be peaceful the more they are trying to make it messy!!
     
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  9. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    I can tell u one more thing wat my bil does even before his parents ask he starts telling so much money he needs to spend on day to day base n they don't ask him even for penny
     
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  10. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    I wish if I could say exact same words. I seriously wish .. I am working from home .if I say something like that both fill & mil will torture me to death. I am thinking to tell them to talk directly to dh. I hope I will be busy with work . I won't entertain any such talk for sure.. I wish if I could just draw a line and tell them to don't cross it.
     

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