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How To Survive Living With Inlaws.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by RiaME, Jan 9, 2022.

  1. RiaME

    RiaME Senior IL'ite

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    How to survive living with inlaws?

    They might be decent and who treats me decent enough. Although I stay in different floors with common kitchen don't feel at home in their place even after so many years of marriage. Having married their only son who acts like shravanakumar and also supports me, feel like I was too innocent when I got married. Had I known how it would be, wouldn't have married at all. Not to anyone. Would be happily single.
     
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  2. Caide

    Caide IL Hall of Fame

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    Decent in the sense by means of communication or friendliness??
    Are you guys friendly with each other??
    From your post i couldn't understand actual prob
    U wanna live alone?? Or you wanna b with them ??

    I am not living with my in-laws
    But whenever I go to their place , I help my MiL with chores and we share our views in general like funny things and we watch tv together
     
  3. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op,
    Please elaborate further on ur problem.
    In general if u want advice:
    1. Be empathetic as they ageing
    2. Be kind and caring if they r good to u
    3. If u think ur hubby is a wonderful person, then ensure u give them that credit of their upbringing.
    4. If u hv any concerns related to inlaws, u inform it to ur hubby, so he can convey it to them dont directly deal with the inlaws. Same thing to be done for ur side of family.
    5. Dont disrespect or bad mouth about them to outsiders or relatives.
     
  4. RiaME

    RiaME Senior IL'ite

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    They are decent enough (I don't hate them) but earlier in the marriage they have shown their passive aggressive behavior and treated dil as not belonging to their family.

    I can stay with my parents/ alone but not with others. I can be myself with my parents and not with inlaws. U have to put on the mask that suits them.

    Have done everything for them and that house. If its my house then its my rules. I decide what to do and what not to. If it is their rules, then I am just a slave.

    So much of double standards in this society, while my husband gets to stay with his parents and I am just like a maid there. But if he comes to my house(my parents), he is treated like a prince and nobody expects him to do anything for my parents.

    Whatever I have done to them and that house, have done it for my husband.

    If I had known all this, wouldn't have even got married.

    Quite mad at the standards set for women by the society.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2022
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  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @RiaME,

    If your only issue is about your ability to set the rules at your home, you can move to a separate place nearby and set your rules in that home. Did you discuss these issues before your wedding where you were going to live and so on? I am a bit surprised by your statement that had you known all these before wedding, you would have never got married. You knew the society before your wedding and you knew what is the society practice even before your wedding. Didn't you?

    There is nothing wrong in your husband being Shravanakumar to his parents (that is normal for any adult child) as long as he treats you well with love and care. I am sure you are and would like to be Shravanakumari to your parents as well. You have to eliminate that thought as it sets double standard that you complain about with the society. Still, your second message is not clear as to why you feel as though you are a maid at your husband's parents place? You said your husband and your parents-in-law are nice and you have no hate for them.

    If your only issue is to set your rules, you can have a frank conversation with your husband and see whether he is willing to move out to establish a separate home for just two of you. I am of the opinion that both parents are equally important and it is nice of your parents to treat your husband with love and care. I understand that your in-laws treated you like a stranger with a passive-aggressive behavior to begin with but it doesn't continue anymore. Like you, they might have had the insecurity that they would become slaves in their own house. Now if everything is alright, you can be the queen of the house by taking over that role slowly but steadily with love and grace. If that doesn't work out, you can consider moving out and lead a good life with your husband.

    I wish you very best in your married life.
     
  6. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op,

    I have understood your point of view. Even I felt these things during my early years of marriage.

    It's a tricky situation to handle by ur parents and others.

    About your parents treating ur husband nicely. Be upfront talk with them directly and tell your insecurities. Similarly, talk with your husband also about how you feel.

    Be clear in explaining your point of view. If you are unable to explain, do write it down in letter form or point wise for your husband and family members.

    Dont worry everything will be fine, all you need to do is share your feelings or concerns to your parents and husband.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2022
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  7. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

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    You're lucky to live on different floors. Maintain distance and keep communication clear with your husband. Also, the tips here are amazing!
     

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