How To Say 'no' Politely?

anivijay · Jun 13, 2017

BhumiBabe said: ↑

Next time, this guy comes around, let him know that you have some commitments, and won't be able to take care of this child (give specific days). Suggest some daycares or people that he might be able to contact for childcare. Now, if he can take the hint, and figures out his childcare situation, then you don't have to do anything more. Now, if that DOESN'T work... you have to let him know that you've started a afterschool care service, and let him know that you are charging for taking care of his child. Now see if he takes advantage of your care again.
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Thanks BhumiBabe. I have followed ur suggestion and gave the hint.. lets see..

anivijay · Jun 13, 2017

silento said: ↑

This seems so unfair to you, its appalling how people take niceties for granted . Have you talked to your husband about this? What is his take? Can your husband talk to this guy over the weekend and set things straight? Or you can join your husband and talk to the guy ? Ask directly It has been 9 weeks already and what is his long term plan for childcare?

Few suggestions that you can try:

1) Say firmly and politely, that your kids have classes at 5:00 everyday and you have to leave at 4:30/4:45. What should you do with his kid?

2) say that your family plans on taking 3 weeks vacation (date undecided) and so it would be better if he can start looking for daycare arrangements for that time.

3) You and kids plan to visit your husbands city and stay there for few weeks (date undecided) . So he will have to start looking for daycare arangements.

4) You need to study in the evening for your interviews and need some quiet time to prepare.
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Thanks Silento for the ideas. I've started with 2 days and he knew already they have class on Fridays. I could not say lies in front of the kids. That's the issue. For that reason, I have enrolled them for swimming today. Ofcourse, it's long time plan. so that's fine. I pray to god that he understands the hint.

anivijay · Jun 13, 2017

yellowmango said: ↑

OP why are you worried about not hurting such shameless people?
Why are you being such a sucker here?

Do you have the guys phone number. Call him up and tell him it has been 9 weeks and you are no longer available to baby sit.Please make some other arrangement.

Are you so stupid op....taking responsibility of a kid with such pare ts. Tommorow God forbid if something happens to the kid,they will at your throat blaming you.

Does your husband have no objection to this?
You have two of your own kids to take care of and you are being unfair to them.

Pick up the phone and tell him ...or message him that this is the last day and he should find someone else.

If you still are uncomfortable...just tell him your husband is not comfortable with this arrangement and he should find some other arrangement.
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Thanks for the concern yelllowmango. My fault, I didn't consult with my husband and said ok. Infact we had a terrible experience like this before. Happend 2 years ago, one of husband's colleague came for onsite with family with a disabled child. He asked whether he could stay in our house for 3 days as he could not stay in hotel with disabled child. He said ok. We are living in 2bhk and we gave 1 bedroom for them and we 4 squeezed in our bedroom. It's been 7 days and those family didnt show any sign of moving out. they were very comfortable cooking , eating and enjoying like they are in their own home. But they wont buy anything not even milk. When they came from India, they came with 1/4kg of sweet from India. That's it. Our landlord is living next door. He would feel like we have sublet the property. And we were not able to sleep properly 4 in a bed. So my husband asked them to do some other arrangements and vacate that week end. they stayed in our house for 10days. They moved and he asked how much he had to pay? We said we don't need anything. They moved out and stayed with another family for 2 months (ofcourse they paid part of the rent and bought their own grocery) and moved to a house in 3rd month. But never invited us for their house not even once. They went back to India after a year and didn't even tell us good bye. Now I heard she gave birth to 2nd child and come here again. Not even a phone call. This is what we got for helping people.

But I felt bad, that we hurted them. They got hurted so much that they couldnt even see us . Even after we suffered for 10 days, they left our home being hurted. Somehow I forgot this incident and went into trouble. But trying to be careful not to hurt them. I would have taken care of this child atleast till this term, if he comes and picks her up at decent time. But I feel, he crossed the limits. sometimes that girl talked to her mother from her dad's mobile when she is at our home. That lady didn't even care to talk to me atleast once and said thanks. This guy never asked me whether it is ok for me or I have any other plans, before leaving her at our house for the entire day. Anyhow husband is planning to say to him to make alternate arrangements.

anivijay · Jun 13, 2017

Elsa said: ↑

Please do not worry too much about how he is going to take it if you tell him that you cannot take care of his kids anymore. To start with, Tell him that you have an appointment the next day, or that you have enrolled yourself into some classes or courses etc and you might be away for a few hours during the holidays and that you have planned something similar for your kids as well. Tell him that he should make alternate arrangements for his kids.

On a different note, have you or him talked about who would be responsible if something happens to his kids accidentally?
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Elsa,

Thanks for your concern. Infact, I didn't even think about that situation. Thanks for reminding me. Ofcourse I would be in trouble.. no doubt in that..Let me stay out of this.

Rihana · Jun 13, 2017

OP, you are missing the point made in some responses. It is not about how to say no politely but how to stop this service ASAP. It is a huge risk taking care of a child for such a long duration without proper paperwork. A huge risk. A simple, small mistake on your part or that child simply being a child can cost you and your family dearly.

anivijay said: ↑

I said, I feel bad I couldn't tell him in advance.
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: ) I can imagine the scene where he comes to pick up .. why you tell him you are feeling bad at no advance notice when you are actually, well, posting a thread to find ways to say no. : ) BTDT many times.. unable to say No. Anyway, that was the first mistake. You sort of apologize (!), give a "reason", he offers alternates/solutions, you hastily find loopholes in those alternates... : )

He said, that's fine. my office is flexible I could come early when ever you go out. (If office is flexible, why are you not coming at 5 or 5.30 to pick up ur daughter?
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I told, I heard your wife is coming only in december. He replied, no no, if she comes in december, I have to put my papers and go back. I said, you could even check in afterschool club at school. He said he was worried whether it would be good or not. I said it is very good. even my kids went there when I was working. My kids also said, it is good. they have tv, play area and other stuff. That girl seemed bit upset.
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Again, you are trying to solve his "problem". In such situations, there is no way out but to give a plain no, accompanied with a non-negotiable reason. The wording suggested by Soka is good.

I think I gave the clear hint. If they don't get it, I would ask husband to talk to him when he comes next week.
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Given that you have dealt with him directly all these weeks, it will be odd for your husband to talk to him. And, your husband might not be able to say a plain No.

Ideal would be if you and your husband can talk to him without any children around, and tell him that once in a while is fine, but providing care on a continued basis without paperwork is not something you are willing to do. And if he agrees to paperwork (and payment), ask him to find out what paperwork is needed. : ) Once, the topic of paperwork has come up, also tell clearly that you will be able to restart the service only after paperwork is final.

anivijay · Jun 13, 2017

Lithika said: ↑

Hi

You are doing a great help and ppl should knw to respect it... you don't even want to hurt that person but he is trying to use your patience n time....

Whenever he comes to pick the kid just say that you are having other commitments tmw and even then if he comes to drop his kid just say it face to face that he can leave his kid in day care...These type of ppl has to be treated lk this...Be bold to say "NO"depending on the ppl and situation
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Thanks Lithika. I should learn the art of saying 'NO'. Never thought people would take us for granted for such an extent. They dont even realise that..They think like , they have given me previledge of taking care of their daughter.

Rihana · Jun 13, 2017

anivijay said: ↑

Thanks Lithika. I should learn the art of saying 'NO'. Never thought people would take us for granted for such an extent. They dont even realise that..They think like , they have given me previledge of taking care of their daughter.
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It is the age old thinking that people have - anyway she is a SAHM, taking care of her kids. What's one more.

I am more surprised that the girl's mother is fine with the girl being in your house for so many hours each day without having detailed questions and directions (and hopefully profuse thanks) for you.

Elsa · Jun 13, 2017

anivijay said: ↑

Elsa,

Thanks for your concern. Infact, I didn't even think about that situation. Thanks for reminding me. Ofcourse I would be in trouble.. no doubt in that..Let me stay out of this.
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It is very risky to take responsibility of young children in the United States. You might end up in trouble or his kids could be taken away and sent to foster homes. I am not sure if the kids father is aware of the rules here, you might want to help him understand the rules here.

Also, am I the only one or can someone sense that all is not well between the couple (the kids father and mother)? OP, if you have any such doubts, stay away from them. I mean, be on good terms, but do not offer to watch the kids.

MalStrom · Jun 13, 2017

OP, the time for dropping hints has long passed. You have to bluntly tell this man that he needs to make other arrangements for his child. You are not available to babysit any more. You are also leaving yourself open to a huge liability, if anything happens to the child on your watch. Just say no.

momsky · Jun 13, 2017

OP, just tell him you can't look after his child anymore. No need to explain him in details. He is obviously using you to his own advantage, so don't feel bad. If he keeps insisting, remind him that it is past the original agreement and that you only want to look after your own children. This will not sound rude or bad if said in an apologetic/sympathetic tone.