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How To Reduce Duration Of In Laws Visit?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Jan 21, 2021.

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  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Reasons for their irritation-
    1. After covid pandemic started, they wanted to invite two relatives for stay here...who are from outstation and in covid high caseload zone...one of her age group and one more elderly..
    First relative, short stay for some days an other elderly relative long stay for some months was what they planned...but no way to hire extra help and they also not ready to do extra work...
    I refused because of covid, I cannot accommodate here due to lack of space and we cant arrange for quarantine and I cannot handle double workload if guests come here...
    2. They want DIL who wakes up at 5am, takes bath enters kitchen and doe still cooking...then does all cleaning works like JhaduPocha, vessels, washing clothes..no help should be taken from in laws...husband should be made to enter kitchen...its disgrace to them if gents enter kitchen.
    3. DIL should be working in good job and earn well..but DIL should do both office work and household and cooking on her own and look after them...DIL shoidl not hire maid or cook as its waste of money, definitely should not hire cook as food cooked by cook is not of their taste..and cook is of different caste so will not allow in kitchen...
    4. They are "broad minded" enough to say that maid can be arranged only for sweeping and mopping floor...but all other tasks of cleaning and cooking should be done only by DIL...
    5. What ever elders say, or husband says even if it's not right , i should listen quietly and not answer back or react...i should always speak softly and voice shouldn't be heard.. if I say something wrong they're allowed to yell at me...
    6. I developed serious health problems since many months and I had to take strong medications..
    I'm not newly married, many many years since marriage.. They're saying I had this problem before marraige and I cheated them and hid this problem so ii get married smoothly..again and again I explained that these probs started since past 1 or 2 years only and not there so many years back.. my husband knows this well ..but he never spoke up even once..
    This is the reason why they want to make my life miserable...
     
  2. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    How I wish @yellowmango would reply to this thread...

    Dear OP,

    You are being ill treated and abused-Period! All they need is a educated, beautiful, cultured, rich maid! Too much to ask for girl...What if you dont work... That should definitely not make you feel inferior...I know many girls who live the life of a queen in spite of being unemployed, over weight etc which is contradictory to the societal benchmarks! All these wonderful girls are confident and dont allow anybody to treat them the way your inlaws treat you. To start with watch motivational movies in your free time, practice postures, dress well and get out of the house (even if you have to walk alone)..you will get a perspective sooner or later...

    I can empathize with your situation very well and how difficult it must be for you to take care of house hold chores with no help, Covid times, health issues, kids (if any) and most importantly cruel insensitive H (Dont even mention him as DH!)

    Everybody have a breaking point and tolerance limit in their life. You seem to be a very patient and soft hearted person to endure all this for many years. I think there might be some other reasons as to why you must be bound to these mean people. Can you please reevaluate your decisions?

    If possible can you take a break and go to your paternal home without giving room for any more drama? You should try to extend the stay till they understand what's going wrong and acknowledge it.

    Let them sit and cook themselves, do all chores. Reality will definitely dawn in.

    You need to break this vicious cycle before things turn too ugly. You cant control them but you can control your life, hold yourself and guide yourself in the right direction! I have been in your situation and what I did was pack my bags, took my 3 mo baby and left MY house to my parents in the midnight! Travelled all alone in a 5 hrs flight feeding my child in the flight without any inhibitions! I dont know where I derived all that strength from...
     
    Needtobestrong and Hopikrishnan like this.
  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I cannot go to my paternal home...its risky to travel, and right now my parents are not ready to support if this marriage doesn't work out...they have their own commitments and problems to deal with and in general while giving me advice , maintaining a distance and they told me to deal with my own problems.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  4. winterhue

    winterhue Finest Post Winner

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    OP,
    I cant recall if you are working or not . BUT , this is the time to think if you really want to stay in such an abusive relationship (yes, like everyone else has said - this is abusive behavior).
    1) Your husband does not open his mouth or stand up for you. Not sure if you already tried communicating with him. If he is not ready to stand up for you , he doesn't deserve you . Period. Since you don't have support from your own family, you need to have this talk with yourself first and start assessing your finances and other situations. Time to start preparing for the worst I would say. People will brush it off saying it is adjustment issues. But it is not. This is abuse.
    2) Your in-laws are in your home. Either you need to "woman" up and start setting up rules, OR start to refuse doing the seva. YOU need to take a stance
    3) Your husband is the main problem . In all your posts, your anger is directed to your in-laws. You did not marry them. You married your husband. HE needs to stick up for you. THAT is the main issue here. WHY wouldnt your husband speak up. Does he realize that it is affecting you so much ?
     
  5. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh, no! I'm sorry you are going through all of that. @Needtobestrong you are staying in uncaring relationship and it is time to think of your position in that home. You need to have your husband's support and caring but your above post shows his rude attitude towards you. I understand that you don't have your parents support but you Need to stand for yourself for your health, self respect, and peace. I'm not expert in advising but Please look for job (don't to wait for job which suits your qualifications) and don't plan for kids until you feel everything is fine. Once kids enter then it is going to be too hard to walk out from such rude/ruthless marriage.
     
    Thyagarajan and Needtobestrong like this.
  6. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I can feel for your situation!! Does your spouse is ready to fix or at least make it better the relationship with you or is he thinking of let go you in context of his parents ego/demand/brain-wash, after spending life with you these many years? If it is first option then I would suggest you both take couple counseling sessions with a professional. Just have a firm, heart-full talk with your spouse in privacy and ask him what he is looking forward for future with just you and kids? don't add any blame/drama in that talk, don't ever bring up in-laws topic, just about you, him and your future!! And also listen to what is he saying, don't take it personally, he might be in state of mind where he can see only his parents and can hear only their concerns and nothing else, try to help him to pull him out of that and make him a better fair person!! He might be going through stress of finding balance between your and his parents as well.

    Hope something great work for you!!
     
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  7. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks EverydayBloom, Mistt, Winterhue, Sweety..
    My situation wasn't that bad earlier , I.e when I was working...and even when not working, prior to covid we had domestic help for cleaning atleast..and they used to spend only few months with us...they would spend few months in native and travel to many places.. so it was bearable.. we could go for outings on weekend ...fights were less frequent..I was able to keep health issue in control by regular checkup with physicians....but ever since Covid they've just settled here and their attitude has changed, my husband wasn't this bad earlier...since past 1 year he has changed...if he was that bad earlier I'd have left him long back...
    They're feeling frustrated for many reasons and showing it out on me and their mind also has been poisoned by some of their relatives I feel...
    This Covid has brought it the worst of everyone..
    Actually my MIL is of very dominating and dominating nature...that itself puts pressure on my husband he doesn't dare speak up a word against her...my FIL doesnt care, he will just stay silent and support her...he will play smart because he needs MIL support for day to day activities...when they weren't here with us our relation was better..
    .that's why I dislike both of them so much...
    They only spoilt our married life..
    I would give it a few months, and if things dont change even after things become normal after covid subsides, I would re evaluate my relationship...
     
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  8. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    All the best and hope everything falls into place. Take Care!
     
    Needtobestrong likes this.
  9. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Most of the DIL problems would be solved if all Indian men have this common sense !
    Many men won’t talk against their parents inspite of knowing who is wrong or right?
     
    SCA, Needtobestrong and anika987 like this.
  10. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Are you depressed coz of the job or just in laws? Why am asking is..going for a job means looks like in your situation you will more work than ever! Even in office it is a different issue plus it’s not like you can relax if you get home.

    Job..you will get if you really try hard and you are flexible with many options regards to commute,salary etc.

    For me I have excuses and though am searching..inside my heart I know am
    Not ready for low pay or too much work
    Hours.If none is an issue,you will get.

    Try staffing agencies also..

    do you have kids?why am asking is..if you don’t have until now..job searches and other issues will be less and more flexibility also with timings.

    leave the job aside now.Take care of your health first.

    Can you try to get up one hour early?it is very tough but it will give you time to take a walk or finish some
    Household work etc..you can bring a routine.

    With in laws..can you try to sit the entire family down and talk To Them explaining your problems in a diplomatic way? How close are your parents with your in laws? Not asking them to interfere but maybe they can help reason things out.Or ask your hubby and communicate with him alone very very calmly and try to bring him think in your side and come to a mid point atleast.

    Is it possible to rent an apartment for the in-laws nearby? Food you can give them and check on them plus you will also have private space..

    Try for a new maid.These days many started employing maids..

    Or for food..is it possible to order out few times a week? There are usually some good mess foods available around.gives you a break.


    Hope the above helps..
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2021
    Needtobestrong likes this.
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