How To Proceed With Friend's Family?

anayasree · May 27, 2023

Ladies... I wanna know the best way to proceed in this unexpected situation. We are close family friends, like the guys are good buddies that meet every weekend. We ladies go out together often with our kids. Our kids are same age and bond well and I can call the wife one of my few closest friends here. We have been friends for more than 15 years.

Recently my friend was out on a business trip, kids were at our house for sleep over and the men had gone out drinking. They crashed at the friends house and early morning I get a creepy call from my friend's husband. My husband was there at the house but sleeping. This guy was completely drunk and was flirting. I was so shocked I disconnected the call. He kept messaging and calling me, but I did not respond. It stopped after a while.

Initially I thought to keep this to myself, but when my husband came home, I couldn't and told him what happened. He questioned the friend and the guy apologized and askes us to keep this from my friend (the wife). Now my husband is so pissed off he says we are not friends with that family any more.

We are part of a big family group and it is impossible to stop all communication. We have lots of sleep overs with the kids and when the wife comes back what is the best way to handle this situation? This guy got drunk and totally spoiled our relationship. I am also shocked this guy might have had these feelings hidden all this while when we were together. The kids are so close and I do not intend to miss a great friend for this guy's stupidity. And when she comes back and wants to hang over at her house, what do I do? Pls share best way to handle this? I am so confused right now.

MalStrom · May 27, 2023

Now that this has happened IMO honesty is the best policy. I would let the wife know that you are not comfortable around her husband. It will be awkward and unpleasant but it’s better to rip the bandaid off.
What if this guy decides to twist the story to his wife and claim that you were the instigator? Better to get the truth out there.

Viswamitra · May 27, 2023

@anayasree,

In my view, what your friend’s husband did is unacceptable. There is no way this friendship can continue. He chose a time when your friend is not around. It is not an intoxicated guy flirting but gives me an impression it is intentional. Even though he apologized after confrontation, it will create a difficult situation more and more in family interactions. This incident will definitely reflect in all the actions and his wife will sooner or later come to know. If you don’t want your children to know what happened, you may find another reason to terminate the relationship. In a good family friendship, such things will not happen.I have to agree with your husband.

mangaii · May 27, 2023

Your marital happiness is more important than this friend . Cut off relationship from the family and let the wife know that he crossed the line . The reason is since you both belong to big group some lies might spread about you . Protect you and your family first . Kids will make new friends or can still hangout during school time .

Thyagarajan · May 27, 2023

anayasree said: ↑

And when she comes back and wants to hang over at her house, what do I do? Pls share best way to handle this?
Click to expand...

The post addressed to ladies asking for solution so that friendship continues with the lady EXPECTING the Latter’s wayward DH would turn over a new leaf.

The man in question would CONTINUE to entertain in his mind a vicarious enjoyment of his basic instinct inebriated in a bear hug with OP.

Call spade a spade to your friend upon her return and watch for her reaction or response. Further course of action depends on her reaction or response. She herself might decide whether to continue with the family relation ship with you or not. But then OP’s DH already decided no more friendship with the guy (and guy’s family).
I endorse views here of my philosopher friend @Viswamitra .

anayasree · May 27, 2023

Thank you all for the suggestions, appreciate it.

Looks like there is no easy way out. Either I tell my friend what happened and I know she is going to cut all ties knowing she would wanna protect her marriage first, or if I keep it away from her I should slowly starting phasing out of her life, cos I absolutely cannot face her and act as if nothing happened in front of her husband.

Gosh, this guy just messed it all up so bad. I understand kids find new friends all the time, husband has lots of friends and he isn't going to miss this guy's friendship especially the guy being the guilty one. But my friend, for no fault of hers is going to wonder what happened and why I phased her out. I simply do not want to be the person to tell her about her husband. I deleted all the guys messages and calls so I have no proof of what happened. It will be my word against his and it will get so messy if I open up with my friend.

@Rihana do you have anything wise to add? I usually find your suggestions very sensible and I look forward to know what you think.

Rihana · May 27, 2023

anayasree said: ↑

@Rihana do you have anything wise to add? I usually find your suggestions very sensible and I look forward to know what you think.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the tag, anayasree. I am sorry you are all having to go through this totally avoidable drama.

Like all the posts above have said, there is no way out but to tell his wife what happened and for this family friendship to end or be dialed down to the barest hi/hello. If you all continue to be friends like before, the chances are very high that gossip will not be in your favor. The guy and his wife will do whatever it takes to protect their reputation in the community.

On a more personal note for you, this invovles your husband too. He was at that guy's house when the guy made those calls and texts. Such a thing can impact a man at an elemental level. In a way he was unable to protect you. It must be a horrible feeling for him to think he was sleeping, and from the same house that man called you.

You don't want to keep this man and his family in your lives. You need to resolve this matter and put it behind you. The topic should not keep coming up betwen your husband and you. Or, at one point or the other, you both will end up arguing and fighting out of helplessness. As a random example, you might tell your husband, "that is why I first thought of keeping it to myself ... it was a mistake to tell you..." Your husband will ask, "why did you want to keep it to yourself..." You guys cannot publicly call out what the guy did as he is also Indian (I am guessing).

About your friendship with the woman, yes, it is very sad that it will end for no fault of you both. If you are very close, you may want to ask her out and have a short talk. Not restaurant, more like a walk. Try to prepare ahead what and how you will tell her. Keep it brief. Stick to what happened, not your reaction, response, shock, outrage.

Kids hanging out - I personally would not want my kids to be over at such a house. A man unable to manage himself and alcohol is not someone I want around my kids. And more plainly speaking, I wouldn't want my kid (either gender) to be around that man.

And above all, you need to summon a bit more self-respect. A man whose family has been friends for so long acts like this. Any more contact with him or his family has to be out of the question. His request that you guys not tell his wife says more about this character.

Losing a friendship is hard. You may want to keep in occasional touch with the woman if possible. Like an email on her birthday and Diwali greetings.

You and your husband have to discuss how you guys want to handle this in public. What you will tell to people who notice that you guys are no longer friends with the other family.

Laks09 · May 28, 2023

@anayasree - I wouldn’t be too surprised if the man calls his wife and gives her his version of events before she even gets back. Whatever be the case, your friend is his wife first. She will put her marriage ahead of your friendship. Don’t spend too much time on your friend’s feelings. Focus on your husband. Like @Rihana mentioned, he must be going through a lot right now. Focus on your family and your marriage. Kids will pick on the unsaid and move on. Don’t worry about sleep overs and play dates etc. In the next couple of years those things would anyway peter out for other important things.

Common friends are going to be difficult but my suggestion is to not go into any details with anyone. There will be a lot of dissection and invariably there is a tendency to blame the woman victim. I would say, invite the others and exclude this family and over time people will get the message. I would also stay away from social gatherings where the other family is going to be present. Ir sucks that you lose on your social life but c’est la vie.

Lastly, there will be a tendency to go over things from the past and wonder where things went wrong. Don’t do it.

I have had to cut off someone completely for a different reason altogether. I didn’t make it easy on myself by going back and dwelling on the what ifs and could Is. The incident is over. Put it behind you, and move on.

Sorry you are going through this. There is no other way out here. Such a hard situation for you. Really sorry.

anayasree · May 29, 2023

Thank you both for your kind replies!

You all are correct, I think it hit my husband hard a lil later, may be he is still processing but the weekend was not good for us. My DH was very depressed because he considered this man one of his best friends here. When we moved to this country 15 years back this family was one of our first friends and have remained close since. My DH felt betrayed and was very upset and angry over the weekend. It made me realize how much I was only thinking about my feelings and my friendship with the woman.

I am going to focus on my family first. Thank you all again.

Viswamitra · May 29, 2023

@anayasree,

Things were happening as expected. Your husband must be feeling terrible that his friend let his friendship down. The depression is due to his guilt that he is responsible for letting his family down. Please tell him that your husband is not responsible for his friend’s action. His only fault was his presence in his friend’s house when his friend did his misdeed. He will be a bit more vigilant in his actions going forward. Please give him some more time to recover. It is best to terminate this friendship.