How To Overcome This Vulnerability And Grow Strong?

MahiSree · Apr 2, 2024

[Long post alert!]
Dear Friends, I work in a reputed organization. I believe I play a responsible role .
It started 7 years back when I started growing in my career. Earlier I used to have colleagues who are good and friendly. I have very few friends and they are genuine. But we are not the thickest ones who calls/contacts every now and then. We connect occasionally yet share a warm bonding.
I am basically a soft natured person and gets hurt easily.
Knowing this, I had been bullied by my relatives and colleagues.
I do get angry when things are not perfect. But people expect me to be soft and submissive even if I am in the position/grade to question as it would affect the outcome.

If I raise my voice for my rights in family (Close circle), then I will be looked upon as if I am their best enemy and they will stop talking to me.
At office, if I question my reportees for obvious reasons, then I will be their villain and with the biased management I will be questioned by my supervisors. How much ever I try to explain them that its not my fault and I questioned only for the blunder that had costed the project, fingers will be pointed towards me.

Frankly, I don't know how to cajole people. I am a person who would like to share a good bonding with people of all levels. If I find them wrong, I will take a step back but never had pointed out their mistakes. Once I did and learnt a lesson for my life.
I lost one major milestone at my workplace and I haven't come out from the shock yet.
I had 2 major losses personally which adds to this.

Now my biggest worry is how to overcome from these bullies? yes, to me its bullying someone constantly.

I am a good learner. I have my own personal and soft skills which are actually appreciable.
I yearn for a slight pat or appreciation for what I really deserve. That wont bring me any benefit other than a streak of inner peace and happiness
I realize that due to this mentai turmoil, I am losing my skills. I am not able to concentrate on learning anything new for my career or self growth.

Kindly help me to overcome this. I feel like running away though it wont help any better.
But trying to stay calm for my family's sake.
Thanks!

MahiSree · Apr 3, 2024

Friends, 100+views but no responses.
Really looking forward for your inputs

Thoughtful · Apr 3, 2024

MahiSree said: ↑

Friends, 100+views but no responses.
Really looking forward for your inputs
Click to expand...

Hi MahiSree,
I am not the most equipped to answer your question, but I will try.

The activity in this forum varies. The people who give good advice are all occasionally missing at the same time. So, though you did not get any responses, when you get them, it will be good. I would recommend patience. It might be a week, a month or even happen in a few minutes. Don't feel disheartened that there are 100+ views and no responses. A lot of us want to know what this is about when we view than with the intention of responding.

On a lighter vein, this is why I respond to my own messages. ha ha.

My response is coming.

Thoughtful · Apr 3, 2024

MahiSree said: ↑

[Long post alert!]
Click to expand...

Okay, so you have given an example of who you are, you alerted us that this is a long post, though it isn't. You respect others, value their time and opinion and feel grateful for their help. This is what you describe about yourself anyway, so, I don't think I could be wrong with this assessment.

MahiSree said: ↑

Dear Friends, I work in a reputed organization. I believe I play a responsible role .
It started 7 years back when I started growing in my career. Earlier I used to have colleagues who are good and friendly. I have very few friends and they are genuine. But we are not the thickest ones who calls/contacts every now and then. We connect occasionally yet share a warm bonding.
Click to expand...

This makes sense. As we move up the ladder, the people whom we interact are mostly those who we report to, who report to us or stake holders. They are not exactly at the same level and not undergoing the same things as us. So, the friendship, bonding etc will reduce.

Like someone said, The room at the top is lonely.

MahiSree said: ↑

I am basically a soft natured person and gets hurt easily.
Knowing this, I had been bullied by my relatives and colleagues.
I do get angry when things are not perfect. But people expect me to be soft and submissive even if I am in the position/grade to question as it would affect the outcome.

If I raise my voice for my rights in family (Close circle), then I will be looked upon as if I am their best enemy and they will stop talking to me.
At office, if I question my reportees for obvious reasons, then I will be their villain and with the biased management I will be questioned by my supervisors. How much ever I try to explain them that its not my fault and I questioned only for the blunder that had costed the project, fingers will be pointed towards me.
Click to expand...

This also is conventional. When someone is soft-natured and talk less, the world is quick to appreciate their soft-nature and their nature of not talking back. This gives them the comfort that they will not challenge them. They want these soft-natured people to be that way and will keep reminding them of this nature and will disapprove when you step out of line. Even parents are culprits. They will say, my daughter never shows displeasure with anything, she embraces all challenges, she listens to elders, what a wonderful kid we have. This is the way of encouraging the kid to continue to listen to them, than encouraging the child to become a strong person who can take on the challenges of this world. They need to be tough before they can encourage others to be tough. Most people aren't.

MahiSree said: ↑

Frankly, I don't know how to cajole people. I am a person who would like to share a good bonding with people of all levels. If I find them wrong, I will take a step back but never had pointed out their mistakes. Once I did and learnt a lesson for my life.
I lost one major milestone at my workplace and I haven't come out from the shock yet.
I had 2 major losses personally which adds to this.

Now my biggest worry is how to overcome from these bullies? yes, to me its bullying someone constantly.
Click to expand...

So this is the real question. I understand how the world is, now, what do I do to counter this:

My answer is two part. It will be a challenge to become someone else than whom you think you are. You need to ask the question on whether this is the right line of work for me. Do I find enough joy in this work that I can challenge my subordinates and get the work done. Be tough on them when it needs to be, stand up to the bosses when needed.

There are other jobs which does not involve leading a team or a project. It could be a role which you provide something to the society. It could be the old age people who benefit, kids, and when you see these people thrive, it gives you the energy and motivation to turn up to work the next day and day after day. This is a contrast to working in an organization for the bottom line of the stock holders or the higher ups where the best return is money or a word of appreciation once in a while.

MahiSree said: ↑

I am a good learner. I have my own personal and soft skills which are actually appreciable.
I yearn for a slight pat or appreciation for what I really deserve. That wont bring me any benefit other than a streak of inner peace and happiness
I realize that due to this mentai turmoil, I am losing my skills. I am not able to concentrate on learning anything new for my career or self growth.

Kindly help me to overcome this. I feel like running away though it wont help any better.
But trying to stay calm for my family's sake.
Thanks!
Click to expand...

Second part of my answer is, if you do continue you current job, you don't have to to cajole others. You don't need to raise your voice. Set clear boundaries on what is expected of each person and if they fail, it is on them. Be friendly, soft spoken, yet be stern. Be friendly and try to help the good natured, hard working people who are trying their best. Those who take advantage of you, you can say Thanks, but no thanks.

Like we fall down when learning to ride a bicycle and bruise ourselves, any new challenge comes with falling down, getting up and trying again. Think of what you are doing and why you are doing. Maybe you are helping your customers, you are giving a comfortable life for your parents or you children. Think of the travel trip that you are going to take with your family and that your hard work and turmoil makes it possible. Purpose makes things possible.

Rihana · Apr 4, 2024

MahiSree said: ↑

Friends, 100+views but no responses.
Really looking forward for your inputs
Click to expand...

I didn't reply yesterday because I noticed the post used the word "bullying" in a way that didn't seem quite right. The problems described didn't match what bullying usually means. Also, when someone keeps saying they're soft-spoken, soft-natured, easily hurt, and feel like everyone's against them, it's hard to help because it seems like they might not be open to advice and are rather looking for agreement that they are victims.

Also, the post didn't say if you've already tried anything to fix the situation. Like, have you practiced what to say before critical conversations? Or tried to speak concisely and avoid repeating? Have you read any books or listened to podcasts about standing up for yourself without being rude, or resilience when dealing with tough times at work or home? And have you tried the commonly suggested things like regular exercise, mindfulness, or talking to a therapist or life coach?

Sharing what you've already tried can help people give you advice that fits your situation better.

MahiSree · Apr 4, 2024

Thoughtful said: ↑

Hi MahiSree,
I am not the most equipped to answer your question, but I will try.

The activity in this forum varies. The people who give good advice are all occasionally missing at the same time. So, though you did not get any responses, when you get them, it will be good. I would recommend patience. It might be a week, a month or even happen in a few minutes. Don't feel disheartened that there are 100+ views and no responses. A lot of us want to know what this is about when we view than with the intention of responding.

On a lighter vein, this is why I respond to my own messages. ha ha.

My response is coming.
Click to expand...

Completely Agree!
Its my desperateness which pushed me to find a solution.
Hence that response

MahiSree · Apr 4, 2024

Thoughtful said: ↑

Okay, so you have given an example of who you are, you alerted us that this is a long post, though it isn't. You respect others, value their time and opinion and feel grateful for their help. This is what you describe about yourself anyway, so, I don't think I could be wrong with this assessment.

This makes sense. As we move up the ladder, the people whom we interact are mostly those who we report to, who report to us or stake holders. They are not exactly at the same level and not undergoing the same things as us. So, the friendship, bonding etc will reduce.

Like someone said, The room at the top is lonely.

This also is conventional. When someone is soft-natured and talk less, the world is quick to appreciate their soft-nature and their nature of not talking back. This gives them the comfort that they will not challenge them. They want these soft-natured people to be that way and will keep reminding them of this nature and will disapprove when you step out of line. Even parents are culprits. They will say, my daughter never shows displeasure with anything, she embraces all challenges, she listens to elders, what a wonderful kid we have. This is the way of encouraging the kid to continue to listen to them, than encouraging the child to become a strong person who can take on the challenges of this world. They need to be tough before they can encourage others to be tough. Most people aren't.

So this is the real question. I understand how the world is, now, what do I do to counter this:

My answer is two part. It will be a challenge to become someone else than whom you think you are. You need to ask the question on whether this is the right line of work for me. Do I find enough joy in this work that I can challenge my subordinates and get the work done. Be tough on them when it needs to be, stand up to the bosses when needed.

There are other jobs which does not involve leading a team or a project. It could be a role which you provide something to the society. It could be the old age people who benefit, kids, and when you see these people thrive, it gives you the energy and motivation to turn up to work the next day and day after day. This is a contrast to working in an organization for the bottom line of the stock holders or the higher ups where the best return is money or a word of appreciation once in a while.

Second part of my answer is, if you do continue you current job, you don't have to to cajole others. You don't need to raise your voice. Set clear boundaries on what is expected of each person and if they fail, it is on them. Be friendly, soft spoken, yet be stern. Be friendly and try to help the good natured, hard working people who are trying their best. Those who take advantage of you, you can say Thanks, but no thanks.

Like we fall down when learning to ride a bicycle and bruise ourselves, any new challenge comes with falling down, getting up and trying again. Think of what you are doing and why you are doing. Maybe you are helping your customers, you are giving a comfortable life for your parents or you children. Think of the travel trip that you are going to take with your family and that your hard work and turmoil makes it possible. Purpose makes things possible.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the detailed response @Thougtful
I am at the middle level management.
Though I am nice and soft when things are normal, I have to question when things go on a wrong way. That's the expectation set on me by my higher management.
Even when I am looked upon differently for that, I dont know how to react.

Regarding my choice of job, this job pays me well and my area of engineering.
I dont find anything hard on my work front apart from this issue.
I have some commitments due to which I couldn't move out from this industry.
But I am looking for a role where I could be an individual contributor.

I am trying to be remain composed and stern, yet share my opinion or question.
But people who did the mistake (personal or official) are wandering with their heads-up and avoiding to even say a 'Hi' to me while I am left out in the crowd.

I am planning for a trip this summer with my family. Hope that fades away the pain that I endure now.

Thanks again, @Thoughtful.
I shall post my happy moments also in IL in the coming days (At times, I feel like I am playing a sad tune in violin and I laugh at myself)

MahiSree · Apr 4, 2024

MahiSree said: ↑

Thank you for the detailed response @Thougtful
I am at the middle level management.
Though I am nice and soft when things are normal, I have to question when things go on a wrong way. That's the expectation set on me by my higher management.
Even when I am looked upon differently for that, I dont know how to react.

Regarding my choice of job, this job pays me well and my area of engineering.
I dont find anything hard on my work front apart from this issue.
I have some commitments due to which I couldn't move out from this industry.
But I am looking for a role where I could be an individual contributor.

I am trying to be remain composed and stern, yet share my opinion or question.
But people who did the mistake (personal or official) are wandering with their heads-up and avoiding to even say a 'Hi' to me while I am left out in the crowd.

I am planning for a trip this summer with my family. Hope that fades away the pain that I endure now.

Thanks again, @Thoughtful.
I shall post my happy moments also in IL in the coming days (At times, I feel like I am playing a sad tune in violin and I laugh at myself)
Click to expand...

Rihana said: ↑

I didn't reply yesterday because I noticed the post used the word "bullying" in a way that didn't seem quite right. The problems described didn't match what bullying usually means. Also, when someone keeps saying they're soft-spoken, soft-natured, easily hurt, and feel like everyone's against them, it's hard to help because it seems like they might not be open to advice and are rather looking for agreement that they are victims.

Also, the post didn't say if you've already tried anything to fix the situation. Like, have you practiced what to say before critical conversations? Or tried to speak concisely and avoid repeating? Have you read any books or listened to podcasts about standing up for yourself without being rude, or resilience when dealing with tough times at work or home? And have you tried the commonly suggested things like regular exercise, mindfulness, or talking to a therapist or life coach?

Sharing what you've already tried can help people give you advice that fits your situation better.
Click to expand...

Thank you @Rihana for responding!
Why I mentioned the term "Bully" here is, since childhood I was made fun of by very close relatives for my complexion and hair, the way I speak etc.. I could be wrong.
My mom comes to my rescue but she couldn't talk in a strong tone to them as it would cause other issues in the family circle.

This continued until I got a job.
I am the brightest of all kids in my family circle. I have won a good number of prices in different events at school/inter-school competitions and in college for studies.
That never changed anything except that my parents and siblings were happy and kept encouraging.

And now, for the current issues I am facing I am following few methods to calm down or divert my mind:
1. in-house gardening (due to harsh weather). I am growing some essential plants and few flower plants. I will. spend time with them
2. Though I am not a great artist, I am trying to draw looking at the internet. I like cartoon figures. I
3. Singing my favourite songs aloud when no one is there at home.
4. Most importantly, sitting and talking to myself (not aloud) positively - "Dont worry, everything will be Ok", "You are going to make it", thinking of some happy moments etc...

I feel so light and cool when I do all these.
During the morning hours, When I get ready for office again I feel low
Some sort of helplessness occupies me and feel alone.