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How To Manage Kid Job Pregnancy With Complications

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Lakshmipav, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. Lakshmipav

    Lakshmipav Silver IL'ite

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    Hello ladies ,

    Finally I got a full time job was able to help my parents a bit .. Am working full time now pregnant with complications where I need to take extra care.
    I am not able to manage all the things like my elder kid cooking 3 diff foods ( me , baby , husband ) for breakfast lunch dinner , go to office work untill 6 then come to home prepare dinner clean house then go to sleep by 11 again get up by 6..

    My husband doesn't help me even a single bit he can't give bath to dd or feed her milk ( some times she goes to school with empty stomach ) will not even pack his lunch box I need to do every single thing feeling like exhausted .. I requested him somany times to help me but he gets up by 8 am gets ready to office drinks tea eats bf doesn't care if me or dd had any thing .. I can't change him I know .

    I have asked for my mil help she is here sometime ( she just prepares lunch for husband n her ) i will prepare mine n dd.. Dinner breakfast I will only do .. She doesn't clean any thing other than preparing lunch for both herself n hubby .. Now DH feels like am giving her more work n taunts me like u do it ..

    We have 2 bedrooms I will sleep on master with dd .. He asked me to sleep on sofa when mil was here bcoz another bed is queen it's small. I used to sleep but now am getting back pains n some times I could not move my body .. So I asked mil I will sleep with baby not asked her to sleep on sofa just wanted to share my bed .. She left like space not enough n then slept on sofa ..suddenly he got angry n told me you outsted my mother from bedroom . I am tired of explaining ..then he offered other bed room to his mom .. He was sleeping on sofa .. Both mil n husband has fights last night I'm not involved tired n slept .. He told in midnight u go n sleep on floor.. I was in middle of sleep said I can't sleep on floor . He told me if u don't go I will kick u in ur stomach. I don't know what to say at that time bcoz with his shoutings dd got up n stated crying .. So I was sent forcefully
    Out of bedroom. I slept on sofa again having stomach pain .. In the morning I told mil she was like doesn't listen or care said its ok for a day .. Really am into tears .. She was nice with me initially n I took care of her like my mother every time she was here n supported her always .. I don't know what made her to behave with me like this ..I don't have support from my parents .. My salary also goes to his account . If I ask for separate account he threatens me for divorce .. Am living just for my dd .. Tell me how can I solve this .
     
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  2. niriha

    niriha Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear op,
    A big hug to you...
    Sorry to say this first thought came to mind after reading your post is, how cruel he is.. How can he even think of saying g to kick in your stomach.

    Can you think of keeping maid/cook so that your mil can supervise while you work?
    Cook some 10 mins tiffin like dosa bread , boiled egg or upma kind of food for your dd.. Don't send her in empty stomach..

    If yiu cant cook..Keeplots of fruits too so that you and your dd can have often.
    Let your mil cook for herself and her ds.
    I don't have much ideas to share..
    Stay healthy and take care

    Regards
    Niriha
     
  3. sslkgpaa

    sslkgpaa Gold IL'ite

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    You are complicating your life unnecessarily. One thing I do not understand is why you cook 6 meals for 3 ppl?

    >Cook only what your DD eats (ofcourse 6 times what you normally cook for yr self). for pregnancy best food is baby food :) non spicy and healthy! (ofcourse do not puree your or DH food)
    >feed DD while you eat food and drink milk while you give DD milk. Kids love imitating lol :) and easy for you too to catch up on nutritional needs.
    >Pack fruits and healthy crackers for DD and yourself for snacking. Pack the same lunch and eat same food for dinner.
    >Forget your MIL for few months. I would never call on my MIL if I am already troubled. There are good MILs too but yours doesnt sound like one. You dont need her now, save this headache for later.
    >yr H, hmm.. no comments. I cant even imagine someone kicking a pregnant women in stomach. Only really bad villains in telugu movies do so.. and you call him DH
     
  4. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Lakshmipav
    Can you live with your parents for awhile...?? Try to have a cook/ full time maid- who will cook/clean for the household.
    First and foremost and be mentally be ready to face this problem head on otherwise with the second child on the way your husband will just keep you tied up with a divorce carrot hanging around the marriage.

    Stop sending your salary to his account. talk to HR and change the details. If he threatens you with a divorce, say you will get it. Just say so... It will get him back to the reality. Be ready to laywer up and say he is harassing. Seriously, no one should be treated like this.

    Dont share things with your MIL. MIL will always ALWAYS support their sons. ONLY their SON is right everyone is wrong according to them. Dont confide dont share! Although she knows its wrong on her son to do it, she will give you 1000 reasons why her son is right. All MIL's are the same.

    Why are you not sleeping with your husband...?? However small the bed is.. sleep next to your husband... You are not a maid to sleep on the floor just because he tells you to. Even maid's are given a proper bed and a place to sleep in a house, otherwise even they walk out and refuse to work for that houehold.
     
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  5. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    This is not your problem (can be solved with outside help for few months or an year), actually below (he) is your problem, what is solution, I don't know. (Is it all because you are earning and helping parents and that is not OK with H and MIL?)

     
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  6. ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    You are living with monsters ...which human says like that let alone be husband ...
    I hope they soon realize what assholes they have become and rectify their mistake ....
    Good luck and prayers for you.
    Iam sorry I have no solid suggestions now but pls hire a maid and cook . You earn and you dnt deserve this pressure at such stage.
    Take care
     
  7. Lakshmipav

    Lakshmipav Silver IL'ite

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    Iam living in USA can't keep maid or Stay with parents . I don't have a bank account don't have car or license .. I just have learner license.. If I have to open an account I need to ask him he will refuse obviously .he doesn't like morning food for dinner so have to prepare separate foods .. Am gestational diabetic so have to prepare my own food can't eat even a fruit my sugar levels are really high already on medication testing 4 times some times I forget to test bcoz of heavy work . Baby is picky eater have to do atleast 3 items where she eats one lefts two .. If I prepare same thing next day she won't eat ..the other bedroom we have queen bed he occupies all the bed doesn't move a bit so I am afraid I will fall down in middle of sleep .he will not sleep on king with baby n me says he needs more space n wanted seperate bed .. And he wants his mother to sleep on King bed with baby if I say I will share she will go out saying 3 people can't sleep .. So I don't have a chance to sleep on King or queen finally left with sofa .. With my first pregnancy I managed all complications bcoz am not working at that time have time to take care of my self .. Now it's becoming impossible with all this work n fights at home husband behavior am feeling like dead ..nobody cares my health all wanted me work from day n night .. Last month am ill bcoz of heavy work at office I took a day off . Nobody entered my room asked if I need any thing . I can see all the dishes in the sink n over the kitchen they used each n every vessel n throw in sink not bother to clean atleast their own plates or put it in dishwasher even for 1 sick day .. According to them it's my duty if am feeling well or not I have to do it .. Not only this he asked me one day go n get abortion ( he says I can't drive u to hospital bcoz u eat a lot n got diabetic so it's u r headache ) .. I eat very less ( 5.4 height with 132 lb weight ) even he knows doctors said its genetically not bcoz of what I ate I got it ..I now with special care doctor eating everything as per plan to control my sugar levels can't go for a walk even if I want bcoz they don't take care of dd for even 1/2 hours I have to take her if I go out ..I have always respected mil when she was here took good care of her never complained any thing supported when she has issues with co sis but this time she is seeing everything but silent which makes me feel like why am living with them who doesn't have a heart . Both mil husband fight for something but later they both show that angry on me ..
     
  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Lakshmipav
    I am so sorry sweetie... I can understand the GD part and yes parents and full-time maid isn't reasonable. I know you need to have your meal separate.

    This whole change will take quite some time..

    First start by opening a bank account... You have a job, make friends at your workplace ask them to give you a ride or take a uber and go alone and open an account. You have SSN and monthly income from your employment. If asked for documents give your learner permit, the number on the learner permit will be on your DL too or your passport number will hold good too. Call the bank ahead and find out what all documents are required.. plan one day without your husband's knowledge and please go open a bank account during a lunch break.

    Start to send the check to your bank account after that... If he asks you.. tell him new rules in your company... blame it on HR. If he asks more info.. ask him to talk to your HR.

    Start by these first and foremost. Having an individual account is a must!!

    Can your family help you with immediate money for your expenses...?? So you can try to get a DL/ a car/ I also suggest get a body pillow ( through out my pregnancy I could sleep peacefully in the body pillow)... my husband used this body pillow after my delivery on a couch... He felt its great.
    After getting an individual account try to get DL. If your husband refuses to teach you to drive... You can get into Driving school and get DL. It is quite easy. DL isn't hard at all. It may take some time to practice.

    Make friends at your workplace.. Having your friend circle will help you in long term. If you husband sees you having your friends around his behavior towards you might change...

    For breakfast- buy things like Rava Idli ( where you have to just mix it with curds and steam it) or look into pre-upma or pre avalakki. You can buy it or just prepare it yourself over a weekend and during the week you might just have to add water and bring it to right consistency before serving.
    Discuss your work load at home with your OB/ PCP. Because they will involve your husband to get some load off your back. Take your husband to these OB appointments and make sure he knows not to dump you with everything. Assign everyone a responsibility at home you DD should pick her toys/ MIL should cook lunch/ dinner. If one person cooks the other cleans up after. Things like that..
    Get a crib for your DD, dont make her sleep in the same bed. A crib isnt that expensive and seriously children should sleep independently. After your second child where does your DD plan to sleep? Or Where will you sleep?

    All these things take time sweetie.. I am not sure with second child on the way and GD, sailing in this boat will make things easier for you.

    MIL not taking care and expecting DIL to do everything is quite normal. You have to do things differently for things to change... Whenever son/ mil fight it is common for DIL becoming targets too.

    Are you serious about the abortion...??!! For what joy are you still with this monster?!
    If I were in this position I would pack my bags and go back to India.
    Seriously no one deserves to be treated like this. He takes your money, your self worth, kicks you around, insults you that you have GD....?!!!
    Next time when he says about GD.. tell him you didn't beg God to give you GD or such a monstrous husband who lacks basic humanity.

    All the suggestions seem like a band aid... Was he always this controlling?
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2016
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  9. ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Threaten or actually Call police and let them know how you are being treated at such stage.
    Tell your husband he will have to manage king size bed alone in prison . With good job I think you can manage well without such jerks too.
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2016
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  10. Gaiya3

    Gaiya3 Gold IL'ite

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    OP feel so sorry for your situation.
    Can you take a break from your career for the time being? Short-term or long-term or on LOP for sometime and take care of your health?
    You need to compromise on cooking. Just cook for self and baby.
    Contact local womens support group and see if you can get help. Or call police. Once your husband gets a warning he will learn to manage. What will you do aftet baby? Who will clean and cook ? You? No way. With gestational diabetes please put yourself and baby first. Take care.
     

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