1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

How To Love Partner?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Benadryl, Dec 3, 2020.

  1. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    68
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    I have been analysing my behaviour of late. It seems to me that I have a "trading" mindset, for the lack of better words. Hopefully, that is not too different from the rest of the world.

    Last few years I also devoted a fair amount of time towards spiritual practices. I don't know if its out of the fear of the wrath of God or it is purely on the basis of trade. I am leaning towards trade. It is not like "I pray to God five times a day hence S/He should give me a car/house" - its more on the lines of praying so that the Gods will show some mercy in my difficult times - this is pure trade. I am not praying out of devotion or love or admiration.

    On love, ours is an arranged marriage and after about 8 years of living together and having 2 kids I realise I cannot get myself to really love my partner. And have never been able to. My definition of love is being in the presence of someone with whom time flies - all the time and I feel uplifted and we really are one with each other. To childishly put it, like the old love songs (ex song : Arey ahista keejiye baatein, tum ko dekha toh yeh khayal aaya). I understand its not humanly possible to have this all the time - but at least most of the times.

    So I am unable to love partner - earlier the pretext I told myself was that I am loving God. Now I realise with both, partner and God there is always an expectation of something/trade. Partner should do her share of things and I will do mine. Lack of either drives me nuts.

    I have a feeling - my upbringing may have a part in this. Where I was only loved by immediate family when I could provide for their living, lifestyle and luxuries and was ignored when I didn't. I am not fully aware yet if I am simply blaming them.

    For a long time my mind has functioned like a pendulum - at times very uplifting and happy with the family (wife and kids) I have and other times so upset and angry with the family I have. I am unaware if this is a sign of mental illness and when discussing that I should probably get a medical opinion my partner tells me this is normal. I think she means this is normal for me. But she shouldn't have to go through this due to a lack of my grip on my mind.

    I am asking a few questions here :
    - Is it possible that some people do not feel love at all? I have definitely become stoic in the recent years mainly because of the lack of love from biological parents and sisters.
    - Are some people simply incapable of love?
    - How does one fall in love?
    - I do understand we all have one life and if you dont find love from your current partner - you can find another one. And keep one changing partners till you find the one you are inseparable from. Is it common that people happily live in marriages where there is no love? Isn't that just living a false life? I have discussed this with partner and am open to idea that we can find another partner who we are very much in love with - this wasn't received very well. I suspect one of the reasons is who is going to take care of kids in the meanwhile. At our cores we are still the middle class family from the old India. It will be sad to see us ending up having to live with each other for the sake of kids and just be bitter and sad in our old age.

    Sorry for the many questions I have had to collect my thoughts a fair bit.
     
    Thyagarajan, Laks09 and Rihana like this.
    Loading...

  2. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,001
    Likes Received:
    2,145
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    I absolutely love that you brought this question up. This is a fascinating topic to me, since I was in a loveless marriage. Disclaimer: I am no longer in that marriage.

    Before or during my marriage, I never fell in love with another person. I never really understood that emotion and thought I was incapable of love. It made me subtly angry and dissatisfied that I couldn’t love my husband the way that I thought a wife should love. The problems we had wasn’t just lack of love, we simply couldn’t connect- emotionally, intellectually, physically or spiritually. We unfortunately didn’t even become friends during our time as husband and wife. We were co-parents, though my ex might have felt some affection toward me- despite us having a terrible relationship. I grew up learning that it was better to be with the person who loved me, than the person I love. I truly thought it was the right way to live. Since I never fell in love with someone, I hadn’t realized how wrong this advice was.

    I left my marriage for multiple reasons... but as a single person, life was strange but not unbearable. And after awhile, it was more beautiful than anything I had in my marriage and I learned to love myself again.

    Now, I’ve met someone that I can actually connect with emotionally and intellectually, and it feels easier to love. I wouldn’t say that it’s the giddy youthful type of love you see in movies. I did have that- and it was fun, but extremely impractical and short-lived. But in my new relationship, I do feel love inside me and it is easier to give that love to the other person. More importantly, I am receptive to the other person’s love/affection.

    So, my answer is... love does exist. There are some people that you will never fall in love with, and must settle for a mild affection. There is nothing wrong with that. To leave a loveless marriage is also not wrong. Only you are the judge of that. If you are worried about your children- they model their relationship behaviors from you and your spouse. It all depends on what message you want to raise your children with.
     
  3. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    375
    Likes Received:
    828
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    I appreciate your introspection & self realisation.

    The problem is that YOU are not able to love your wife and for you love is all about self interest and trade. Your mind functions like a pendulum, loving on and off and you have an upbringing to blame. You are married for 8 years, have kids but never experienced love with the current partner.

    Your situation won't change if you change partners. Because, going by your post, the problem is you and probably you will remain the same with other partners as well.

    You should find out your current partner's definition of love. Talk to her about what she thinks is her investment in you which she claims as love. Introspect yourself whether your heart has "responded" to such love investment of hers in you. Also, ask her if she ever felt you loved her. If yes, ask her to say out all the circumstances/incidents where she really felt that you loved her.

    May be, she is the one living in a loveless marriage and the one who should think of another partner, not you.

    A question to answer to yourself. Have you ever loved anyone prior to your marriage? Didn't you find anybody who fits into your "definition" of love?

    And yes, there are people who are incapable of loving. They are called narcissists.

    In my opinion, if you are a person incapable of love and your wife also is ready to live with it, then it is better not to disturb the status-quo. You have a family and you can try to work on yourself. Changing partners will not help.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2020
    shubhrata, ImHuman, Benadryl and 5 others like this.
  4. Agathinai

    Agathinai Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    306
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Love is unconditional in certain circumstances, like the love a parent showers on their newborn child. Later on almost always there is some kind of expectation towards anyone we love. We cannot tell that since they are our parents or our family members that we would be able to shower them with love without conditions. There is an unwritten expectation that when we shower our love that they too show their love and affection towards us.

    When we find that the ones we love had been hurting us, we lose a part of the love. It doesn’t mean that we forgo love as such. We expect our spouses to behave in certain ways and when we are disappointed we think that we don’t love them and that we may find it elsewhere.

    Maybe sometimes it’s possible but often not. We tend to find only the negative aspects of our spouses and forget the n number of positive attributes. When we forget those we might think about the greener pastures!

    Love is conditional and if you don’t send it out, you won’t receive it either. Maybe try to give that to your wife and you can feel it. Simple gestures make a long distance.
     
    Benadryl and MalStrom like this.
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,410
    Likes Received:
    2,973
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Its a great topic. I understand it and emphasize with you. I am sure many adults are facing this situation.
    Just curious. Do you feel love towards your kids and back?
    Is it mid life crisis?
    May be you love your wife but not 'in love ' her.
    If you dont want to live your wife for this reason, you may consider getting out of your marriage and try to find love.
    Seeking love with another partner when in a marriage is totally unacceptable.
    Are you ok if your wife do the same. If she is not ready for open marriage, it will be infidelity, and she will never accept it.
    If you are incapable of loving some one ( narcissistic person can't love or can have intimate connection, they can love or care. about themselves, I dont know about you so I simply mentioned a possibility, that's all), then there is no guarantee that you will find love. With this mind set.
    At this age with kids, is it easy to find a partner,I am not sure. If you dont get love like you imagine, you will end up as a looser. Your family won't be there.

    Have you ever asked this question to your wife? Did she ever felt any love from you. If not, I feel really sorry for her too for being in a loveless marriage. Do you guys have intimacy? I asked this because I thought men connect with that way.

    Arranged marriage was your decision. This is what comes with it in long run. Some are lucky to have a great partner. Falling in love after marriage can also happen. But it depends on the couple. If you read married life session here you will realize how many are struggling due to one issue or other.

    But once you are in marriage , loving your partner is a decision. There are different love languages( google). So you have to love your partner in the way she likes to receive it. Ask her and try to do that . Give more,only then you get it back . Its a cycle

    I guess you are talking about romantic love, a feeling of being in love with a person. In most relationships, this stage, will be there only in the beginning, even with great chemistry. Slowly it will give away to mutual affection, love and care as the relationship evolves. Its the case with both love and arranged marriages

    If you think falling in love with a person is the most important aspect in your life now than having your family and if you are unhappy with the current life then talk to your wife and get out of this marriage and then seek it outside. Your wife also deserve a loving partner. Many people get a second chance, but not all.

    I dont think I can accept if my husband says he want to find true love outside marriage. If so, I will say,give me divorce and go.

    If not, try to see a therapist on why you are not able to love any one. I believe if you show more affection and love to your wife, she will give it back it in double. Decision is yours. Accept it , make it work, love and live with your family , try to see positives, appreciate it
    or leave it and explore it. Whatever it may be, I wish you happiness.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2020
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,787
    Likes Received:
    4,773
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Through most of history marriage has largely been a very transactional concept, even as recently as our parents’ generation. The concept of romantic love and relationships is quite recent. Up until then a happy marriage was the result of the luck of the draw.
    Since you are able to introspect into your feelings as a function of your upbringing I would explore this in further depth with a counselor or therapist. You might get some tools to process your feelings so your thinking becomes clearer.
    When you are in the thick of raising little children it is not unusual become jaded with life and the people around you. You might not be soulmates with your partner, but absent any violence, contempt, dangerous habits or abuse you may want to weigh whether it is worth disrupting your kids’ lives in search of a happiness that may still elude you.
    We are hearing one side here. Try also putting yourself in your wife’s shoes. If she were to post here what do you see her writing? If you can find some common ground you can try to work from there.
    Wish you peace and good luck. These questions are seldom easy.
     
    Archanaanchan, Laks09, Rihana and 3 others like this.
  7. Benadryl

    Benadryl Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    68
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    I am ruling out mid life crisis for now as I did discuss that aspect with a doctor as I also feel stagnating in my professional life.

    Some other posts have also mentioned that may be I am a narcissist - I recommend that you understand the meaning of narcissist, google. My father is a narcissist - and I have taken every care to not model myself on him. So I can rule that out to.

    I do love my kids and can really feel they love me to - but I suspect that is because we/I am their primary care provider. Intimacy is not an issue. I and wife don't even look at it as a way to connect (the saying "man gives love to get sex and a woman gives sex to get love" is not applicable to us). Each of us are there to satisfy the other party. The wife feels loved enough and does not need anything more from my side. She does not feel like she is in a loveless marriage.

    I, on the other side, think I want emotional satisfaction from my partner. There are hardly some 5 things (5 exact repetitive situations I encounter and what I exactly expect from a partner - it can't get more simple than that!) - which is nothing more than being asked something on the lines of "you look tired - must've been a long day". And she simply can't get herself to emotionally be available for me. It's like showing that she cares, in the way I expect, is not possible for her. Just like me feeling in love with her seems impossible to me. We have tried changing our behaviour and response system for 5+ years and we aren't able to move forward. I had thought, that alteast when I feel cared for, may be that will kindle feelings of love.

    At times, I feel like I am a cursed soul who couldn't even get true love from his biological parents - so shouldn't expect it from others, including partner. This is the main reason I have wanted to explore other partners. I cannot keep denying myself the opportunity to be loved the way I want to. But I wanted to also understand if what I feel is common across couples and if I am just being silly in my own expectations. Husband/Wife wise I am actually fairly convinced that I want to move on from current partner. The unknown is how it really will affect the kids and the fact that I may remain cursed and keep on changing partners.
     
    shubhrata, Rihana and Hopikrishnan like this.
  8. Agathinai

    Agathinai Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    306
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Cursed soul? No, I don’t find that though I haven’t read your previous threads. You have been blessed with a family and I am assuming more than middle class and doesn’t have much issues with health or financial burdens except for family maintenance. Have your ever thought about similar middle or lower income families with significant financial issues and health issues and how they are juggling their life. Don’t ask me whether I know them personally for which the answer is yes, I do. And I don’t see any such major issues atleast in this thread. You have just mentioned something like parental issues; which needs to be left behind to help focus on your family.

    If your wife is working as well she will be drained as well to enquire about yourself. By the way it looks too formal for me if my husband enquires like that. I often end up telling I am just tired and he would offer his way of advice and help. Have you ever talked or told her that.

    I don’t think you finding another partner is going to solve your problems. It’s not going to change what you have endured as a child. The new partner might come with more sets of issues and you might have to juggle your kids as well your new partner’s kids( if she too is a divorcee). Whether it will affect your kids only time will tell that. I feel that you might end up with more unhappiness.

    You need some counselling to deal with your problems. Have you discussed whether you might have any depression problems as I really don’t find much to even suggest separating from your wife. Maybe both go for couples counselling and good luck for that.
     
    Benadryl likes this.
  9. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    377
    Likes Received:
    380
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Male
    The thread title is so hinting....

    If you have a lover, you love.
    When you have a partner, you part.

    @Benadryl 's Title may have been a subliminal truth. Those who seek and get a partner, to beget children, and proceed onwards in ghruhasthastra-yoga never understood that this quaint notion of "love" was never in the original contract. Once a man comes to this realization, [bhagavan Krishna said so in roundabout ways] he would do his duty without regard to mental machinations that would result in a thread on an internet forum. So as to flutter a lot and produce responses. Om Shanti.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2020
    Benadryl and Rihana like this.
  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    377
    Likes Received:
    380
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Male
    Reference to "the wife" is the best of the gems above.
    Another good one too. A man can also suspect "the wife" to be "mess"ing with the big toddler when she does that.
    This repetition of "partner" is often a signal to want something outside what is conventional. Another person who can divine what is in one's mind, and serve it up has happened only once on this planet, in fiction. Like Jeeves to a Wooster. However, Jeeves couldn't do "ALL" that Wooster may have wanted. Wooster had even toyed with the idea of Honoria Glossop for a mate: Pity, eh?

    A man wants a clone in a companion with a teensy bit of difference -- someone who is mentally synchronized, but has the right complementary equipment at the crotch. I can hear Martin Luther King yelling " I have a dreeeeam....". While this is a pie-in-the-sky, we strive to do the best with what is served up in the choices. There is no ℞ to you from someone else, here or in the professions of mental or physical health. Like it is said often enough, you too will live and learn.

    I enjoyed your posts here on this thread. Reminded me of Rex Harrison singing "Why can't a woman..... BE LIKE A MAN?"

     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2020
    Benadryl and Rihana like this.

Share This Page