How to handle very money minded , manipulative inlaws and very selfish BIL

pranavi13 · Apr 15, 2014

Dear All Ladies,

I am a very regular visitor of this forum and I like this forum a lot. I just love the way, how many ladies out here handle their toughest situations very nicely.Even though I am regular visitor, I never wrote a post here. Now I need all your suggestions to handle my situation.

Really sorry for a long post, but I need to tell you about my married life and how I have faced problems with my in-laws.

I am married for 4 years and have a 2 year old DD. Me and My husband work in IT. My husband is OK types and a decent guy.He takes care of me and my DD very much. But If I speak anything about his parents, he will not accept and doesnt like to see the fact. But during all these 4 years, I tried my best to explain him whats going behind him from his parents.Some how now I am ok to tackle with him or I got adjusted is what I feel.

But now the major problem is with my INLAWS ( very manipulative and money minded ppl) and my BIL ( very selfish, just needs his share from now on).

I dont have words to speak about my INLAWS. They are such a crap ppl. If I need to speak about my MIL, I just need to utter a word DEVIL. She really treated me crap from day 1 of my marriage. Initially I am so innocent and thought that I had committed some big mistake and use to compromise, adjust myself and use to listen to her each word. During my first pregnancy , she came in pretxt of helping me as I am on bed rest ( and my mom was not available) and created so much nuisance and finally tried to break my relation with my husband. She use to take her son outside and talk to him personally for hours. Once they both return, my husband use to behave very starngely like not talking to me, not even bothering whether I ate, sleep etc. I use to bear all those things. And in addition to that, she never helped me and I did all household works and due to that I got oborted in 4th months. I lost my baby. That time my husband realised a bit and supported me. This change in behaiour of my husband made my MIL more mad and started playing all possible games to make my husband away of me. After that obortion , immediately the same day she left me all alone and left to her town. Then she never called me atleast to ask how my health is. During my 2nd pregnancy she never turned up to help me as again I am on bed rest for 6 months. They were expecting baby boy, as I delivered baby girl my INLAWS didnt show interst to visit to see their own grand daughter. All she just needs is to listen her words.treat her like my goddess and follow all her words, deeds blindly without raising any voice. Only way to satisy her. She needs everything to happen in our life accorindg to her wish. Slowly I started departing myself from those pplm, to just keep my mind peacful. This lady even then didnt stop her plans against me and started huurting me , ill treating me in all possible ways through my husband. Now I just ignore.

My FIL is very sweet on talks, but he is very manipulative and calculates everything in terms of money. What he needs is just Money Money and Money.There were scenarios, where he cheated my husband interms of money. He went to an extent to cheat my mom as well for money. But I took really 1 year after my marraige to understand this person. I am trying to show his true color to my husband but couldnt till now because my FIL talks very sweetly outside and says like, he is there for all of us to help and support and assures my husband to dont worry about his finances and settlement in terms of house or anything. he justs says he is there to make everything setup for his son. and his son (my husband) just blindly follows him.

Now my major problem is, my husband worked 6 years before marraige and didnt save a single penny on his name. He use to tarnsfer all money to my inlaws. And he took personal loans to clear of debts made by my FIL for house construction in their hometown ( house is registred in my BIL name). What ever bulk money my husband sent, they purchased plots in their home town and kept all those plots either on my MIL/BIL name. To frankly say my husband doesnt have a single penny saved in his account or any land, house or any property in his name. All the propery earned by my FIL is registered either on MIL/BIL name. And my husband is so naive that he never asked his parents why it is that way. Even after marraige, he use to send money to his parents now and then and used my salary for house expenses. During 1st year of my marraige, I am so afraid to oppose it and followed it. Due to which even after 1 year of my marraige we dont have money savings. Then slowly I started saving my money and my husband also started understanding the importance of savings , due to increase in expenses during pregnancy, obortions etc. As he had huge personal loan ( to clear debts made by my FIL for their house contruction), we couldnt save much till my DD birth. After my DD birth, we started saving little bit. And my husband started declining to send money now and them, which made my INLAWS more against us.

Now my BIL's marraige is planned and he got engaged to his cousin. I mean my MIL is very particular to get my BIL married to her brother's daughter. BIL is getting married to her next year as that girl is still studying. Now My MIL feels that the new DIL will be her own brother's daughter and will listen to her everything. Due to this my MIL is now showing more partiality to my BIL and not even considering my husband as son. My FIL, as he is not getting money from my husband and moreover my FIL is henpecked husband, he just follows my MIL wishes, hence he is also not supporting and showing more partiality to my BIL. in one word, they all want to form like a family and literally in all terms kicked us out. I am fine with it, but my husband is so upset and couldnt able to digest this behaiour from his own parents. To say my BIL never send his parents any money or took up any responsibilty. It is my husband who took loans and send them all his money with out saving anything. Now that my husband saw their parents true color. he asked his father to support us , by giving some money so that we can buy a apartment. His father initally send he will some 30L and aksed us to take some loan and purchase it. Everyone was ok. Now all of sudden, when we booked a flat, he said it is share between two brothers, so u take only 15L and give remaining 15L to my BIL. my BIL is also booking a flat. I feel cheated, being used and deceived by them. my BIL saved his own money till now and getting 15L and happily settling down before marraige itself. But me and my husband had to go through so much troubles. saved penny- penny and now after 4 years of marraige we are getting only 15 L. all money which is sent before and after marraige is completely lost. If we ask them about anything , they say all property is in my MIL and BIL name and they will take it. It is not ours itseems.

I really dont undersatnd how parents can treat his own son this way and cheat him and how they show so much difference between two sons.

Now I need yor suggestions to handle this situation and come out with some of our savings at least. And also I want to talk to my BIL about how selfish he is and how we have gone through so many sacrifies to save money for family. I got a chance to take 7 months Loss of pay after baby delievry and I am very much interested to take that to stay with my baby, but unfortunately due to personal loan of my husband and family expense, I had to sacrifice my motherhood and left my 5th month baby with my mom and came back to work. These ppl will never understand all that. Now I feel very low, very disappointed and almost broke, to see how they behave and supporting only to my BIL ( because he is marrying my MIL's brothers daugher).

Please pour in suggestions.

sanjana · Apr 15, 2014

Your situation is somewhat mine too . My MIL, Fil,Bil are so greedy for money that they somewhat use my husband innocence. Mine was arranged marriage , and they have taken 15L dowry which they promised is for our (me and my husband future) and he will buy car from this money. In name of customs and traditionally they took so much money from my parent , even didnt spared golden needle .

During my first day after marriage , she let me sleep and didnt called me during "Muh dikhai" and took all gifts to herself . She then gave me only small earings .

My side gift was all taken by her , she even took my jewelry and kept in her locker to this date. So i actually have no money with me that my parent gave me .

Now its decided that my BIL will stay with us like a joint family . He dont do anything , no household help . My husband buy all grocery , pay bills , pay rent everything and BIL just electricity bills . Now they planning to buy house , but my BIL will only contribute 20% of it but the property should be in name of both(The drama was created by MIL .. crying and all... saying " it be unfair for your little brother"" ... i cant see how it is unfair ?

And when my husband asked help from PIl , they told him if he want help from them then i should also ask my parent to help . I refused and said Big NO to my husband even if PIL not willling to help anything, i will not ask money from my parent . Even though no one mentioning where those 15L went ??

My husband is either dumb or he is trusting them too much . But i have actually left the situation to itself, i think slowly he is understanding that he will need money for me and our child too and his little BIL (31 years) have actually grown up to start taking some responsibilty.

I can only suggest you , its good if your in laws are getting away from your husband, its better at this stage for you and your husband to start saving for yourself instead of them being dependent on you both for rest of life.

pranavi13 · Apr 15, 2014

Hi Sanjana,

Thanks for your quick response. Yes, I too really don't understand why it is unfair to save our own savings for ourself. They took all my husband savings money and purchased plots and resgistred in my BIL name. Is it fair then?? These ppl can turn up side down for anything with their emotional dialogues and my husband easily falls of for their dramas............

No, my inlaws are staying in different place than others and they dont depend on us now. My husband did all that help before marraige for 6 years and after marraige for 2 years. Now he sends money now and then but not every month. My inlaws are well settled and get rents for their monthly expenses. They generally dont need money, but for some expensive purchases they ask us.

Now the problem is , they are not depending either on us or BIL, but they want all our savings , hard earned money to be given to BIL itslef( as all lands are already registred in his name and it seems he is a very innocent poor boy....) . Dont understand in what context he is inncocent ( saving his own money before marraige itself) and not even understanding what their elder son had done till now......

jayar2011 · Apr 15, 2014

Hi,

My case is also a bit similar. In my case in- laws are not that crap but MIL always tries that both of her son should always listen to her and she treats them very nicely and not at all scolding or rasing voice over them.

Major problem is husbands always take the other way when we wives explain about the situation. Also my BIL is unmarried , unemployed but thinks he knows everything and gives lot of gyan to me and my husband. to this my MIL supports him like anything but basic thing which she forgets is all is ok if money is revolving.

Do not have a way to handle this! Just praying if I and my husband can go away from them for some years to build more bonding with our child and can mutually accept the challeneges of life.

Nidhi2014 · Apr 15, 2014

Hi Pranavi,

It is sad to note that even successful working women have to face all this. I think it all depends on how much you can take it in the first year of marriage. Once you act submissive etc initially then even a loving DH unknowingly can take you for granted.
I am surprised at the destiny of some women who bring home bucks while there are lucky women who are treated like queens even though they do not help financially in the home. I am a working woman turned homemaker now. I see things are better for me now than it were when I was working. When I was working, I used to cook (not that elaborately), clean, help in outside work like managing car repairs etc AND take work stress still I was treated like a crap by ILs. Now I am not working, I cook, clean, watch. Tv, relax and surprisingly ILs are respectful.

Anyway, do you stay with your ILs?
If you do, you should come out of it.

2. What is done is done. YES. You have to swallow bitter pill on the past. God will take care of it. Make a peace with that that people lose money in business and you lost money. Since now you do not send them money, you will not be involved in home functions and also it's going to be bad treatment from them. Unfortunately, my DH cannot tolerate that AND I love him v much, so I have accepted their behavior partially not fully. I do maintain my dignity and self respect and make sure no major money blunder is done.
What you can do is, first talk to DH and set clear rules. foremost priority is your kids future. Make sure you save your pay packet and whatever your DH earns, from that money you run household and ask him to save for DD the rest of his pay. Whatever you earn, you save for family vacations etc and buying property. These BILs are v cunning, they extract as much from elder brothers and then live life kingsize and still manage to be ILs pet. That has happened to me as well. Earlier I used to fight with DH on small things, now I compromise on some of their behavior , in return. I make sure, DH does not spends money, I save big fight for that. Thankfully, since I do not earn now, DH is in control. In future, if I earn, I would make above plan as I told you.

Have ve you cleared the debts taken by DH on behalf of your FIL? If yes, forget about it, If No, then stop paying those EMIs at once and re channel it for your own flat. DO NOT go into joint venture with BIL. Big No No. Get those 15L first from FIL.

If I were you, I would stop talking to my ILs and follow a clear plan for own family, be strict to your DH, and make sure your money is being now used for your and DD future. I know it feels terrible that you slogged like crazy for nothing and your co sister is getting queen treatment but you cannot do anything about it . God WILL take care of it. Focus on being constructive now. Remember, whatever you can take it now from on, will define your married life future. Put your foot down on finances with your DH.

good luck,
nidhi

Sneheth · Apr 15, 2014

1)Unless our Proud Indian tradition changes these suffering of women will continue in our society.Son and dil shud behave like Rama and Sita but parents can be greedy to the extent of making son and Dil to sleep on roads.
2)There r no rules in India like other countries in matters like marriage.By the name of tradition PIL are making Dil and her parents life hell stealing money and peace.They gave the name for this hell saying "Karma" blind belief.
3)I can understand your deep pain in heart.Its like our head is in some burner.
4)Every women should think marriage is not place of enjoyment dbut it's place of gambling.She should not give away her total salary to dh nor keep all to herself.Women shud use salary wisely and tactfully.
5)Right now the ball is in your PIL court and u kept your foot in **** so try to slowly come out of it.
6)It's gud that ur husband understood ur PIL nature.You can't expect your PIL will be kind in future so let god make any changes in future.You take care of what is there with you from now on.

sunshine1970 · Apr 15, 2014

Hi consider your DH earnings for 6 years before marriage water under bridge and the first two years of payments. From now on play it smart don't contribute any of your wages to household on pre tense that you need to save for your home and daughter future. Take the 15L the FIL is giving, better than nothing and don't put anymore real estate in MIL and BIL name. Put in your daughter name if necessary. I don't understand how MIL are treated like queens as you say property is in her name but they treat DIL (poor you) so badly. I have a mantra I don't purposely piss in laws off but if they are I don't care, let them be angry. It is actually good they are mad at you, you will get a break from them. Let them stay angry. I would devote my time to my DH DD parents and job don't care about them.

tulipzz · Apr 15, 2014

Mils have a strange feeling in their tummies when DILs name is on property.

When we were buying a small plot in India, she kicked up such a fuss when dh suggested it should be in both our names. I kicked up a bigger fuss and got it registered in my-dh names.

No noise at all when we bought a place in the US with MY savings. Yes it's in both dh and my names.

Nidhi2014 · Apr 15, 2014

Tulips

Isn't it funny to see them act like a kid who lost in some game..it's even funnier to watch how shameless they are in things where they should behave like normal mature people..shouldn't both DH and ours name be there on property? Why not? They have lived a life and now when we want to live, they want to grab a major bite on that as well..what are they trying to prove? In our case, whenever we wanted to buy a property, we have been discouraged to buy..saying ohh we have a home why you need a property..yah that small home is not on our name, it's for all the DH siblings as well..they actually meant that we shud keep sending them monthly money instead of buying a property of our own..and in the end, now we have nothing to call of our own..BIL has nicely gotten a flat and is enjoying the rent out of it..now they want to come to USA for sightseeing.. I have told DH to first buy a home in India, have a buffer of emergency fund and then think if calling them here.

just venting

pranavi13 · Apr 16, 2014

Hi Nidhi,

Thanks so much for your time and suggestion. Yes, all those bad memories make me feel bad thinking How I was so submissive that time and how ppl treated me...Now I realised and luckily came out of it. As you said no matter whether woman works or homemaker, she has to witstand firmly from begining only then all these nonsense stops....I understood it very lately...

I dont stay with them. Even from begining of marriage we use to stay in different place than others but my IL's are capable enough to put me through so much mental torture through calls, through my DH and what not..but now I talk to them very rarely once in 15 days or so to just keep myself peaceful. Now they still crib that I dont call them on daily basis but I dont care....

......Very painful to accept that everything is gone till now...all our hard earned money ( 8 years of DH money and 2 years of mine) for those ppl who now dont even treat us like a member of their family. We are just less than outsiders now..BUT yeah, i need to accept this and come out of it...no other way. Now due to god's grace or bcoz of my prayers, my DH got realised what he had done and what a big mistake it is...now he feels bad and sometimes come to me to vent out about his parents. So, we have discussed on it and planned a tight financial plan in terms of RD's and EMI's. So no more sending of money to them. We have already cleared the loans which we took for them 1 year back.

But U know onething, it hurts me deep inside that I have sacrifised many things and worked like crazy for stupid ppl and end up in nothing and my BIL , so smart enough to get everything ready with flat and money in hand prior to marriage so that both my co-sister and BIL enjoy their lifes from beginning. What wrong we have done? why me and DH had to go through so much in our early years of marraige? Due to all above things, we never enjoyed out early years of marraige, we never had few romantic moments to cherish in our life. Just because of financial burdens and fights with DH on it.
I just sometimes cry before GOD asking him, why he has given this to me??.......

Now with so much hatred for them in my heart, I just want to go to them , ask them straight forward on their faces...is this the justice you are doing for your elder son?? what mistake he has done and I really wanted to ask them to give our savings back. I dont know whether this work out or not and I am afraid that it backfires...but I have to put all my hurt before them and make them understand that you are doing wrong...Do you have any suggestions on it? Will it make any change If I talk very openely on their and BIL face asking about our savings back? or Do I need to keep quiet .

Thanks,
pranavi