How to get rid of nosy and complaining in-laws

Dear All,

Thanks to you all for replying.

I would like to clarify something. Ideally there should be nothing like a low or high lineage as all human beings are equal and should be treated equally. Lineage was never in my mind when I got married and it has never been throughout my life. It came to my mind after analysis of the taunts I have been subjected to in the last three years by my ILs - 'only light weight rings have come from your side', 'how do you people live without AC', 'all your bedsheets look cheap', 'how do you live in a house without tiled floor', 'you don't even have a microwave'. Even my husband has learnt to speak my inlaws' fake language - 'how can you give a tawdry glass necklace to my Mom'. I find them extremely materialistic which is a characteristic of a nouveau riche family.

Why would anyone in sane mind not miss a single opportunity to taunt like this ? Unless one suffers from inferiority or superiority complex or has a grudge against others ? Since i find everyone in the family suffering from this fake showy syndrome, i concluded it is to cover up something, perhaps inferiority complex on their lower economic and educational background.

I feel people should never forget their roots. I married my hubby because I thought that his was a middle class upbringing where I could adjust easily. And lo, what I find. They are eager to throw away their humble past behind. My husband's family members except his father never even go their native village as perhaps they think it is below their standards. They hardly interact with their poor cousins and only interact with the more well-off ones all the time. In fact they don't even acknowledge their existence.

@shyamala - separation is not an option for me, if it were, I wouldn't have come here.

@LindaSenorita, @sunshine - As explained above, i never think about lineage while talking to my hubby. It comes to my mind passively while my ILs taunt me, but my policy is to avoid retaliating, so lineage is not the source of problems from my side.

Coming to the main issue now, my husband is a gullible son and all ears to the requirements of his parents. He hardly thinks about me and has never gifted to me in the last 2 years except once. But he is willing to squander his hard earned money on any luxury for his ostentatious parents which they are just going to acquire to show off to their relatives and don't know whom, but will never use. My husband and I are salary earners not CEOs of our companies that we can spare a house for them when we don't have a house to call our own while this would be their second house.

I feel extremely depressed all the time and don't feel like eating. It is a time when we should have been planning for a kid (and guess what - even his parents taunt me for a kid - isnt that ironical ? ) but he is out to make money abroad so that he can fully finance a house for his parents who already have a house. This means:

1.) his parents are his first priority instead of me.
2.) he doesn't mind staying separately from me to buy them luxuries.
3.) he is going to allow others like his parents to step into our personal life and make decisions that he would thoughtlessly follow.

@shrutimanjunath - if only talking could have helped! He doesn't even want to see my face or take my calls, how can i talk ? Every such discussion has TRANSFORMED INTO A BATTLE OF HURTFUL WORDS, ALLEGATIONS AND COUNTER-ALLEGATIONS and has backfired on me. Thus I have decided to take on the vow of silence.

Basically my hubby is his father's sonny boy and a puppet in his parents' hands. He shuts his mind and just follows what they ask him to do. That is the essence of my problem. He thinks that since i am working, I can take care of myself (as if there are only financial matters to be taken care of) and he must cater to his parents' needs. It would be risky to have a child with him.

@yellowmango - number one problem is not the ILs calling too often. number one problem is my hubby treating their call like it came from the GOD!

Most importantly, his father treats him like their spouse, and my and my hubby's relationship like we were siblings and me like a disposable doormat. Perhaps that is why they knock on our bedroom door, sit late at night watching TV in our bedroom so we can't sleep together, keep interfering in every decisions of ours, keep calling him multiple times daily, badmouth against my parents like they were nobody, complain against me and my parents, keep demanding so many things including but not limited to purchasing a new house for them and intrude into our private space all the time!

 

Ladies I am awaiting your responses.
Is is that you think mine is a gone case and there is no hope ?

I can understand my hubby is mamma's and papa's boy. But I am looking for solutions as to how to deal with him and his disease on a day to day basis ?

To what extent should I ignore or can I ignore his and his parents' behaviour ?
If i keep on ignoring won't my ILs sideline me from my hubby's life even more ?

- I never minded my hubby spending for ILs even if it were for a house about which I came to know long time back. But it's only recently i came to know they want a house only for to show off (like people upgrade mobile phones, they want to upgrade to a better standard house) not because of genuine need. Are we slogging at work so that others live luxuriously while we don't have a roof above our heads ?
- If i allow and ignore wouldn't my hubby sideline my would-be child esp if it is a girl-child ?
- What is the guarantee he will not strangle or hit me ?

Please respond.

 

No, we have not been sleeping in separate rooms for that long. When his parents last came to our house and there was a fight due to something my MIL did, since then it started. Immediately after that, he moved to a different city on official tour. So, it's overall one month.

When his parents don't come to our house and poke their nose only through telephonic conversations, it is much better. But whenever they cross their limits, my husband turns a blind eye and that causes
His viewpoint is that even i should turn a blind eye.

They are the primary cause not the secondary cause, because if we don't have to talk about them, then the fights are restricted only to trivia like contribution in household affairs which happens in every household where both couple are working. They stay in our city for 8 out of 12 months in a year and expect us to go visit them every weekend. If we do that then who will do our household work - go to banks, buy groceries, buy vegetables, do other important household and personal stuff and most importantly, I get only the weekend with my hubby, why should i spend my precious time with someone else ?

The primary cause is them because they don't acknowledge what marriage stands for - establishment of a new family unit which is to be given precedence over one's birth family. Otherwise how can a new family unit survive if both husband and wife duo go keep running to their respective birth families ?

The primary cause is them as they don't respect boundaries and privacy of a married couple. They (MIL/FIL) don't need any privacy themselves, so they think nobody needs it. They think it is their RIGHT to barge into our rooms and privacy anytime and everytime. Once my FIL compelled me to be out of my room till 1midnight to watch TV which was in our bedroom at that point in time. We even offered him our bedroom, but no, he refused it as he wanted the bigger bedroom as well as the TV room. How selfish is that ? How can anyone adjust with such in-laws ?

They treat my hubby like a 15 year old right in front of relatives, keep on repeating their instructions etc. They work overtime to establish that they are needed. Why would someone do that if he is not insecure ?

As per MIL and FIL, i should have no life of my own and should devote my entire time to them. Is that even humanly possible ? All my time and energy should be focused on my hubby, his family and his welfare and I should forget my parents. MIL always says mean one or two things about my parents on the sly and my hubby expects me to keep quiet. Is that right ? My husband and his family has no duties towards me only rights!
Everytime I visit my parents (who cannot stay in my place) they taunt my hubby for having no control over me. Should I leave my old parents alone in the wilderness with no one to take care of them ?

My husband is quite childish. The moment he sees losing the battle of arguments he starts mouthing expletives which i obviously cannot do. I sometimes pity him as it is not his fault that he has such selfish parents who manipulate him. I want to stand by my hubby but only for his violent and bad mouthing behaviour, it's a no-no.

The talk of children comes because of our ages. And guess what, even for that MIL and FIL blame me and taunt me!!!


P.S - I shouldn't have mentioned about TV, as it is causing a lot of misinterpretation of the issues i am facing. I tried giving it up and spending that time with him instead. He would get very irritated and keep watching movie in the laptop if i came and end up saying i better go and watch TV!

 

Still awaiting for some answers!