How to deal with verbally abusive MIL?

Allie · Mar 26, 2010

Hi all,
I am new to this site.. but found some threads very useful... so I need some suggestions from you how to deal with my MIL?
We recently came back to India for my delivery and because my MIL's health was not good... I started working some months after baby was born.. but ILs were unhappy about this.. They did not want me to work.. They dont want to have a maid and I am expected to do all housework and take care of them and baby. I am willing to do housework and cook etc if I can go for a job.. but they are not compromising on their stand...

So now, after discussing with my husband I am staying with my parents for the week and visiting them and my husband on weekends hoping that in time they would accept my career choice.. but things have become worse.. I have to hear abuse from MIL for all sorts of things every time I go there... She finds fault with everything I do and say...My husband also gets abused if he stands up for me... it is becoming intolerable for us but he wants to stay with them since he feels that he should take care of them. Any suggestions how to deal with this situation?

ras09 · Mar 26, 2010

Hi Allie,
Sorry to hear that...
Tell me one thing that why have you left your house?
where is your baby right now (is it with your parents or with ur ILs?)
According to me it was not a right move that you left your husband's house.
Thats your own house and not any holiday home to visit on weekend.
I know you want peace of mind thats why you have left that house.
But let me tell you thats not a solution.
it will create problems not only between u and your ILs but also between you and your husband. ILs can teach so many things to your husband in your absence.
You should be with your husband everyday no matter what.
If you dont want to stay with ur ILs then find a new place to stay with your husband and baby.
Dont stay with your parents. It will only add fuel to fire. Your ILs will blame your parents for all the problems.
Better not to involve them.
And Dont leave your job at any cost.
Take care

Foundlove · Mar 26, 2010

Dear Allie,
I agree with Ras ..you should not leave your DH.

And he must stand up for you.If they object he can always say that I have my duties towards my parents and my wife.I cannot shirk responsibilities on any party.

Try to convince him that you can get a house close by so he can stay close and take care of them ..

Hope this helps
FL

shrutidunwoody · Mar 26, 2010

Hi Allie

I agree to ras and foundlove. Never stay away from your husband. That way they will have better way to brainwash him and make him negative towards you. Just talk to your dh calmly that you want to work and if your dh cant speak for you in front of his parents then you both have to think of an option to live seperately because if you live with them they will abuse you and make your life miserable.

Take a house near to them so that your dh can visit them often and take care of them. And you can live peacefully.

BeeAmma · Mar 26, 2010

Move to a separate city with your husband and baby. You cannot do anything about this, your husband should deal with his parents.

Btw, why do they not want you to work?

Dilchahtahai · Mar 26, 2010

Well, OP, I have a slightly different view based on experience of some of my friends. I assume the baby is with you. When you have a small baby, you need peace of mind (and also to avoid things that may get you into post partum depression). So, I think staying away from ILs is fine if you did it after talking to your DH. It is a good thing that your DH stands up for you. But did you guys talk about how long it would be like this? I mean, Can't you guys move some place whihc is in same city and still not in same house? Your husband is probably not doing everything with his own hands for the ILs anyway. It was probably actually you who would have done the things for them and if you stay with your parents indefinitely, that is not going to happen anyway
So I think you guys should move some place close, that way you have your peace of mind. Maybe hubby can even go see them every couple of days to see if they are doing ok or if they need anything.
But finding an amicable solution would take time. In one of my friends case, she stayed with her parents for 9 months before hubby decided enough was enough and he should go live with 'his' family.
Hopefully you can make your hubby understnad sooner than that (since you see him every weekend)

Allie · Mar 29, 2010

Dear Ras, Foundlove and Shruti,

Thanks a lot for taking the trouble to respond to my message... I agree its a bad idea to stay away from my DH... it was my last option... My job is far from my ILs house and without a maid, it would be difficult to manage a small baby for them.. My parents said they would take care but its too much travel for the baby.. thats why I chose to move out... My parents were feeling so bad for me since I am highly qualified and ambitious... so they also are putting up so much trouble managing a baby etc... My ILs are too old fashioned.. they believe that the proper place and duty of a woman is to her home etc... so no maid.. and no outside help for anything!! I was hoping my ILs would at least see some reason.. I guess its not going to happen!!
I am trying to convince my husband to take another house... but I am scared that I will turn out to be the villain if one of my ILs falls ill or something like that (since both are old anyway)....

Allie · Mar 29, 2010

Dear delmommy

Thanks a lot for sharing your experience.. Hope things work out for me as they did for your friend....Its been 6 months for me and things are not showing much signs of change..my DH agrees that his parents are wrong in abusing me but he feels that he wont be able to leave without a huge fight... and he feels guilty considering their age and general ill health... Hope things click for me soon!!

Foundlove · Mar 30, 2010

Dear Allie,
It has been 6 months. So why don't you suggest DH that he can take a place next to Ils or close by and in this way you both can keep an eye on them and help them if needed as well as have your independence.

you will be not too close or not too far.Try this.

Regards
FL

aruna_077 · Mar 30, 2010

Dear OP,

Since your husband understand you and is equally affected by ILs abuses, its best that you two move out.

Its good that ur DH wants to take care of his parents. Make him understand that his parents can be taken care of even if you two stay separately.

In the end, peace of mind is very important.