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How To Deal With This Situation?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needhelp01, Nov 3, 2022.

  1. Needhelp01

    Needhelp01 New IL'ite

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    Hello everyone, I have a very complex relationship with my inlaws. My MIL created a lot of issues in my marriage early on. We moved to US and because of that my marriage survived. BIL and Cosis have had a love marriage and even they tried to add fuel to the fire in interfering in my marriage. I have been married almost 10 years now. We dont have a kid right now but I am going through IVF (I cannot share IVF details with inlaws because they are not supportive people). I have kept my distance from them mostly limited to hi and hello and wishing them over festivals (with MIL and FIL, they live in India) BIL and Cosis live 3 hours away. Anyways my MIL and FIL favor my BIL, primarily because he is a rude person who insults them when he feels like it and are basically scared of him so they listen to him. DH on the other hand is soft spoken and is never rude to them while fights me always when it comes to inlaws. He is also always exploited because he has issues in saying NO to them and gets bullied or guilt tripped into doing whatever they want. They are all extremely negative people and just basically toxic.

    Now cosis got pregnant and had a baby recently. It was a 1 week early delivery so her parents were not there when she delivered, they arrived a week late. She delivered on a weekday, so MIL kept calling me and DH to go attend to them when she delivers. Guilt tripping again that we should go , they need help. (My MIL is such a bad mannered lady that when I first got married she had an issue with the fact that I was not working while I was first came to US on h4 visa and now she is saying I should leave my work and attend to her grandkid, why is it assumed that my work is not important) We both took day off from work and drove 6 hours to basically just go and stand outside the delivery room. They needed no help. Infact I made food and also took it and BIL was like this is not needed an all that (rude like I said before). DH had to insist several times before he took the food.

    Anyways now they are doing the 21st day pooja, that falls on a weekday again and MIL is calling and guilt tripping DH again to go for the pooja. "Just go and stand in the pooja" what does that even mean, he has to drive 3 hours one way to stand in a pooja? I know he is swamped with work and I told him its not justified for them to ask you to drive 6 hours every now and then. But he is like I will go in the evening if I cannot go during the pooja time. So he will basically finish work and drive 3 hours and then come back same day. I feel like because they had a baby now we are on the hook to go whenever they feel like it. I told dh we can go over the weekend but he is adamant that he wants to go over the evening. Also I feel like we need to now make adjustments to our lives to revolve around their stuff and he is ready to behave like a doormat. I dont know how to deal with this situation. (If it was an emergency I would have understood, but its not)
     
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  2. ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Has the invitation come from BIL/SIL? why all invitation is vai India? ask your husband and decide .

    Also BIL is husband's real brother and they had a child so if you are close you should go and attend these functions (which happens once in a while) it totally depends on your relationship with BIL, not on calls by MIL.

    ALl the best for your IVF journey, hope you get what you want soon :)
     
    Thyagarajan and Needhelp01 like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,

    I can very well understand your frustrations around the toxic relationship you share with your in laws, and the tiring IVF journey in your decade long marriage life.
    To add fuel to the fire, your Co-sis has delivered a child. If she is your younger Co-sis, I can imagine the talks coming from in laws about your fertility issues, and all that.
    Going through an IVF journey, you shouldn't be worrying much about all these now.

    Having said that, you must understand something very well in relationship. This is the key.

    It is your husband's own brother, who lives just 3 hrs away in a new country. His wife is delivering a child, and for whatever the reason their help got delayed. You guys are the only close relatives to them, so it is very normal to expect urgent assistance from you. Especially from the other DIL/Co-sis because of your gender.
    This is not the time to think about distance, invitations, or leaves. This is the time to travel, help, and accept the mood swings and tensions of a new parents.

    Taking a day or two as emergency leave will not make you lose your job, unless you are performing very poorly.
    Travelling 3hrs one way to attend a very important family event will not make your husband sick, unless he is battling a serious illness.

    I took a week long leave and travelled to my sister's place to be with her on her delivery. She had her in laws around, but preferred my presence to feel positive during that time.
    I left my kids with mom (as mom was old and could not travel long), and took care of my sister well.

    Few years later, my sister planned another baby and wished/prayed for a girl. When asked, she said I felt so comfortable having you around when I delivered my first child. That very moment I decided to bring another girl child to the family, so that they will care for each other.

    This is the kind of bond siblings have no matter how much we fight.

    Do not stop your husband from mingling closely with his sibling unless he has other serious issues with his sibling.
     
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  4. Needhelp01

    Needhelp01 New IL'ite

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    Thank you for the reply and wish.

    The thing is we are not that close. There are multiple instances in the past where BIL and cosis dont engage with us. Only MIL keeps pushing DH to go visit them or attend to their needs. (She never tells them to visit us)
     
  5. Needhelp01

    Needhelp01 New IL'ite

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    Thank you for the reply SGBV. Can I just say I follow your posts and advice on multiple threads and you are just amazing. I understand your points. I get doing this for your sister and I share a similar bond with my sister, and will do the same for her (would have probably done for cosis also if we were close). But would you do it for toxic inlaws/bil/cosis who always treat you as second rate citizens. Cosis is so rude she doesnt even reply to my whatsapp messages. When she was delivering we did take the day off and went to help out. But now the pooja is not an emergency and her parents are already here so all I am saying, is this ask justified to ask DH to take off for every thing they want to do over weekdays. Maybe I am overreacting, please advice.
     
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2022
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, you cannot protect your DH from his family. If you keep trying, you will end up labeled the bad person, and with increased pointless arguments between you and your DH. Let him decide how often to visit his brother and when. You go less often and don't give elaborate reasons for not going.
     
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  7. MadhuRK

    MadhuRK Silver IL'ite

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    I like this reply from @Rihana

    It shares a different perspective all together. You don't have to imagine that you are tied at the hip with your husband no matter how lovey dovey your marital relationship is. Keep your opinions to yourself, take decisions for yourself and own them on your own like a matured adult.

    You don't have to influence anybody, control what someone does. You can also be free and give the freedom to others to do as they please or make a fool of themselves if thats what it seems like.
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for coming back.
    To be frank, i wouldn't take leaves or cook or even visit the person who doesnt respect me or value my presence in their life. Be it my sister or co-sister, i wouldn't do anything if the relationship feelings aren't mutual.

    But, i wouldn't expect my H to share the same sentiments as me.
    It is his family, his brother, his sister in law. He is following his mother's advice.

    Unless my H is into deep trouble and unable to handle relationships, i wouldn't control him. I wouldn't decide what & how & when he suppose to see his FOO.

    As long as your H's visit doesnt affect your marriage & peace of mind, let him decide his trips to his FOO.
    He wouldn't be having this type of events frequently.
     
    Needhelp01 likes this.
  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    OP’s husband dancing to the tunes of his FOO is okay for now. But once they have their own children he will still be expected to remain at their beck and call, while it will not be reciprocated.
    OP would be wise to arrive at some understanding before that happens.
     
    Needhelp01 likes this.
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Let your dh decide what he likes to do with his side of the family. Controlling his interaction will lead to more issues, negativivity and blames in future. Blood relations are stronger than you think. Even if there were conflicts, they all will be a family. So, it is better not to create any kind of stress as it is not good for you , especially when you are going through IVF treatment. If you dont want go, you dont have to.

    But, my suggestion is be happy for their baby and attend the function whole heartedly. You may not like it but you are part of their family. These kind of special events wont happen so often. In future, your h can blame you for not attending . You know them, you can't change them,so dont take every thing to heart. Complaining about his FOO wont help your marriage.

    But next time, if its not a special event, you can find excuses to avoid further visit. But you cant stop your h from visiting his side of his family, thats not fair, unless he decides it himself. Sameway, he should not control you too. Its applicable to both. Giving and respecting individual space is very important in any relationship.
     
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2022
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