How to deal with these issues?

coolpinky · Sep 21, 2012

Hi All,
I hope everybody had a good Ganesha Chaturthi.
Coming to my side of story there are no major fights between me and my DH. I am trying to be cordial with everyone. Now a days I am not worrying if my DH gives me silent treatment.
Earlier I used to cry infront of him and make a mess. But now a days I dont care. I dont talk to him other than the basic things untill he is completely normal. So he will only get back to me.
I want to take this relationship ahead by discussing few things which are important to both of us. They are finances, family and regarding my parents. But somehow I am still scared to open such topics infront of him.
I feel even he is not comfortable.
I am financially independent and have made a house in my name well before my marriage. Now my mom is staying in that house. And I have this home loan. My DH is also aware of this. I also give him some money monthly to meet the expenses
My husband has a huge bank balance. I have also mentioned in one of my previous posts that he has converted his account to joint account with his mother.
All these days I was under the impression that he has done that for her visa processing and all that. But recently i discovered that even she has a huge amount in her account (her separate salary account) and so does my FIL.
So what is the need to add her as the second account holder?
As such I am not expecting a single rupee from him. But it makes me feel bad when he hesitates to spend on me.
I try to gather all this information just to understand things happening around me. These things i got to know on my own and no one has told me all this.
Second, I want to talk to him about my mother. All i want from him a few nice words when he talks to her. He is brainwashed by his mom against my mother. So they dont even care to ask me how she is.
I feel really bad because of this. I am not expecting him to call her and speak, but atleast when she calls I want him to talk nicely to her. Basically he is introvert and doesnt speak much. Added to this he is influenced by his mom in this case.
This is really bothering me a lot. My PILs dont speak to my mother at all.
So friends please advise me on how to make him understand my feelings.

freddycat · Sep 21, 2012

coolpinky,

You can't force a person to be friendly with others, if it is not his/her nature. You can't force DH to be nice to your mom/talk to her over phone etc. As long as he behaves as the civilized son-in-law in person, it should be fine.

As you say, your are financially independent, I would suggest you to be more patient. Why don't you wait till your younger BIL's marriage? Many things in your life will be sorted out by itself. Your DH is very smart with money, you know that by now and his parents have no where to go other than your DH since your BIL is living abroad. Obviously, his mom is pulling some strings on him and your DH knows how to handle his mom. May be, your DH is not interested in putting you under stress by sharing the details, at this time. Even if you ask, he is not going to share anything further, it will make him more silent mode. You have to trust him, he is not the person to rattle on his mom and you know that, by now.

Again, it is my view. You may think differently.

ars · Sep 22, 2012

Before marriage what ever you both did with the finances is fine and that has to be left alone.
Once married you have to talk to each other about monthly budgeting, savings etc. ask about opening a joint account so both of you contribute into it from your monthly salary for monthly expenses.
Regarding your moms matter I agree with freddycat.

rohinipadi · Sep 22, 2012

I think expection your DH to talk to your mom is next step .First step is to fix your marriage.Looks like the finances are kept secret by both side. First of all why you need to give money to DH for expense ?
Second what is the problem in adding your name in his account ?
Finances of MIL and FIL should not matter. Make your marriage work.See where is the weak points.Try to work.It takes lot of hard work to make some kanchu husband believe that wife can handle money. First work on your relationship with DH then worry about mom and other things.
Thanks
Rohini

coolpinky · Sep 22, 2012

Dear rohini,

I give him money to meet the household expenses.
He never talks about combined finances anytime. I guess somewhere he is unhappy with the financial matter. Looks like he is expecting me to give him control over my bank account. Because even today my FIL is having my MILs atm card. This is only my opinion.
He has not expressed this anytime. I have come much forward in this matter. I have told him about my savings and all that stuff. His details are complete secret to me.
Long back I had also told him about my huge credit card bill which i had to pay back as i used it for my dad. He only advices me to clear those bills quickly to avoid interests, but doesnt come forward to help him.