How To Deal With Resentment Of Family Expenses In India

Very surprising! 90K!!! Hey, this is a princely sum for a family of four. If you are 35, your younger siblings must be at least around 25. That means they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. You don't have to pay for them. Rent+ maintenance for parents should be manageable in max 30k unless they stay in a costly place like Mumbai or Delhi. Move them to distant suburbs, at that age they don't have to stay in the heart of the city. Suburbs with a good hospital and a market nearby would be good enough. Let your siblings also contribute. Keep your savings aside for the rainy days.

As your parents grow older, medical expenses will definitely mount. Take that into consideration. Looks like they are blowing up your hard earned money. Wake up!

 

Op, You have a valid concern. A family with 2 kids comes with its own expenses. At the same time, you are enabling your parents and brother's frivolous behavior. Why are you the provider when your brother's get away with when they can. Set a budget and send that much amount to your parents. Say if your mom needs 90k per month tell her you can only send 60k. Be cold and tell you have expenses here too. Looks like they don't know the concept of living moderately and saving for rainy day. My parents live in a Metro and spend 20k for everything.That includes outings, entertaining and little bit of savings too. There are many people who live for even 10k given the need.

You are jeopardizing your own future and your family's future by sending so much money. Cut back and tell them that's it. If you are in US invest in real estate and rent will take care of mortgage.Invest in retirement fund. . You have a valid concern about the situation. Your brother's are smart . They know you will fund them regularly. Why will they break their backs for family. Chances are either they are taking it easy in their jobs or making big savings.Think about all this and do the needful. Good Luck.

 

helping a niece or nephew for education or marriage is justified and even helping your siblings settle in life is acceptable what is not acceptable is when the siblings do not understand hard work and frugal living. You can live in a 15k or in 90k and it is more easy to do so when it is coming free..

and with regards to your retirement I wish you don’t get yourself knotted with idea that your kids growing in a foreign country will not support you. I have two grown up kids in India and I am not expecting them to take care of me, even in my 40’s I am calmly looking at retirement homes as part of my retired life and with inflation and all the new rules on deposits look at ways to keep a pension for our monthly expenses. What I am trying to tell you is raising your kids, giving them a decent education is your responsibility but how they turn out as individuals is not your sole responsibility. There are too many factors at pLay. So let us always think positive and believe we are doing the best.

With regards to a rainy day and retirement you start and be consistent. Pf was introduced for the very purpose. Though the reducing interest rates make it look unexciting these days it is still a conservative person’s instrument.

A medical insurance is an investment for your parents should have been done earlier if you have not do it now.

As far as I know the varista Bhima Yojana has a limit at 5k/60k m/annual not sure. The rates were so tempting at 9.35 in 15 and now I think it stands at 8. If you can, look at single premium annuity schemes where a monthly amount of say 15/m is possible and last I did a study it stood at around 25+lakhs. I could be wrong. If you do something like this please nominate yourself so that the principal amount reverts back to you.

I like the idea of moving your parents. Even a retirement community home monthly expenses in a little upper middle class comes to 20k per person for month. Maybe this isn’t something you talk over phone or mails. Some topics the medium of communication can give a completely different trajectory to something that was never complex. So if you are visiting them have a clear plan of action and execute it.

All the best.

 

OP you have already got pretty good advice from everyone in this thread, so I have very little to add here..
Looks like the option of bringing parents with you isn't there as you live abroad while parents and siblings are in India..
It's so unfair when your siblings who are young and single contribute zero and party while you with family reponsibilities shell out so much..your parents should have the common sense to have at least save some amount from what you have been sending all these years..also if they had any consideration for you they would not demand all money from you only and also spoken to their other children as well..
Remember that school education and college education, household expenses and medical expenses ain't cheap in any foreign country..and a medical emergency can just blow away your finances..you being in your mid thirties are in a prime age to work and make good savings ..later on its difficult..
You have to gradually reduce the money you send, and pay for essentials only..
Find out exactly how much rent and medical expense they need and pay for those directly ..let your siblings provide for themselves, they are adults and I assume working and earning well if they are able to party and all...
Remember, you need to provide for your parents but do not compromise on your wife and kids, else many years down the lane they may resent you for not providing proper education and basic comforts..and if you end up in any crisis whether personal or medical, you ll be left stranded without any finances..
What's your wife's take on this? Has she been ok with you sending so much cash all these years? It may put a strain on your marriage sooner or later, if she feels neglected and financially and personally insecure..
DO NOT GIVE IN to emotional blackmails and personal manipulations..send them a small and fixed amount covering essentials..remaining they can take from siblings,.if the siblings don't contribute its their problem to get the money from them, not yours..
If they complain too much tell them that's all you can do and they either take it or leave it..sending them the details of kids school fees and household rentals, EMIs you have to pay may give them an idea of how much expense you have ..they should let go the image of u as a money minting NRI.
Just for a change , one month you tell them that some unexpected expense came up and unable to send money..if your siblings really care for you they would cover up, if they lash back at you and humiliate you will know where u stand..
If you keep yourself practical minded and don't get too emotional over parental outbursts you can actually look after your parents well without blowing out your finances.

 

With 90k per month you can live an upper middle class / basic luxurious life in india with a good house, car, even a full time maid n driver n a lot more.

I have a feeling you are paying for the luxury / parties of your siblings as well.

Can understand your feeling, my dh comes from a similar past, abused childhood, started working part time from 11, yes 11 for the family n it hasn't stopped till date.

I can tell you that even if you sell your last drop of blood n give them the world, they are capable of saying "that world is crooked".

When you are truly suffering, don't expect any help or understanding from them, they will easily say "you can't even manage your money" or ask "what did you give us?" They will definitely ask this!

If your parents can emotionally blackmail you, you can too. Say you had to take a pay cut n you can't send anything but 30k. Your siblings can pitch in the rest.

Your siblings has to be pushed to provide here, n only your parents can do that, n that can happen only when you stop giving in.

My dh has been providing them all their life, but he always has a good control. He never explains his pay or job. He understands their life style n provides correctly + a lil extra. There's also additional stuff like medical, travel, events, etc - thats different from this. They are never deprived n provided very well but not at the expense of providing unwanted luxuries, feeding extra people or losing our peace.

Only you can take back the control, be thick skinned. And come up with a sadder tale than your parents.

Providing for our parents is one of our duties but having a control over it is also important.

 

oh! i thought this 8% was monthly return.

 

@Rakhii hiya. long time. how are you how are kiddos.
it is annual.
it is now at 6 in max banks and it could go to 4 in coming days is a fear. and i feel for many senior citizens who rely mainly on interest.

 

One more thing OP, if your parents or siblings make emotionally manipulative statements, just firmly tell them how hurt u are, after providing for them for so many years at the cost of neglecting your wife and kids, u don't get the appreciation u deserve..cut off contacts for few days and don't call them, let them get back to u with an apology ...then u send the money , I.e a reduced amount, after getting assurances that they ll spend sensibly...they will not wanna risk losing out on the money that u have to offer so sooner or later will come to terms with u on a reasonable amount AND learn to respect you..the son who always breaks into tears at the slightest provocation and gives into tantrums is the one who is used the most..

 

I thought it was monthly. lol

Thanks Shanvy. I am alright. Good actually. I still have some lingering issues with you know who but its day and night difference from what it was before.

You? Kids are ok. 6 and 2 now. time flew by.
How is it going with you?