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How To Deal With My Situation?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Nov 5, 2017.

  1. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you everyone for responding to my predicament. I couldn't get to the laptop since I posted this, finally got a break..
    Lot of thoughts...
    @Nonya is right, I cannot just 'leave' with my child without husband's consent. Not only will the airlines stop me, but if I do manage it by some stroke of luck, I would be committing a federal offence. Naturally, I wouldn't want to do that! :eek:
    This actually has been a grave consideration for me, as it effectively imprisons me here: can't leave without baby (even if emotionally I harden myself to it, or even try it as a scare tactic, he might use it as an example of 'abandoning' the child ? (if things go to the extent of us parting ways)). Can't leave with the baby - he will never permit it. :BangHead:
    And I feel miserable and stuck here, socially isolated and repressed.
    Of course, I have a role in the repression. I have been looking at my role in my situation, and I've figured that even while being vocal about my wishes, and arguing about what I want with my husband, I haven't .....uhm... taken action. No "If you do this (something I don't agree), then.... (some consequence)". Not as a threat or blackmail.. I believe the technical term for this is setting boundaries and consequences.
    I have a lot of reasons for that, fear of his reactions, inability to face his hostility, yearning for emotional intimacy, a tendency towards people-pleasing (and hoping that that would appease him and let him consider my wishes)...
    Now, I need to strengthen myself, and stand up and say, NO. And have an appropriate consequence for every time he ignores my needs and wishes. How to do this, I am clueless.
    I would probably benefit by therapy, we both would probably benefit by marriage counseling, but he would never come to discuss our 'personal problems' with strangers.. And he may not be willing let me go for therapy, out of financial considerations, and well, who will take care of the baby then?! :shocked: Also, they have already labelled me mentally unstable, because of a few emotional breakdowns last year.. and this would be allowing them to tell all that I am the one causing problems, that I am mentally unstable and even getting treatment for it :frown:

    The social isolation bit.. he doesn't let me go anywhere.. no question of volunteering.. he is too tired/busy to take me either. I don't drive here, he wouldn't let me get a driving license : I can't take the car on my own, he says he will get an instructor, but is reluctant to everytime I ask...and justifies saying it's too risky and he'd be tensed all the time thinking of baby and me in the car by ourselves, with baby sitting along in the back etc. When told that most of America manages safely that way, he then says the car is not in great shape, and he's managing so please wait a bit, he'll get a new car (!!!!!) its a big expense.. He is not lying, but I find his reasons frustrating. Public transport is not safe either, no. No I can't take a cab on my own, because I have no cash nor a card.

    I know by this time most of you must be thinking what an idiot I've been. I feel so too, that I have gotten myself ensnared. It is not for lack of asking though. Asking has led to fights, why do you want that - am I not here to take care of your things, why do you want things on your own, why do you want to be separate :smash2: In the early days of marriage, I let these fights tide over, thinking I'll have more time to work on these slowly, gently.. However, once the baby came, it has been house arrest in the baby's name, and occasional parole when we take the baby out.

    I am confused because he doesn't totally prohibit me from contact with the outside world - he HAS taken us out etc, though at a much lesser frequency than my needs demand. He doesn't seem to have a problem with my going out per se, only that it must come after baby etc.. over-the-top overprotectiveness.. (no I am not defending him; trying to explain how he acts)

    Contact with my family in India is sporadic at best. They are busy working people, and between the time difference and their schedules and my schedule we barely get chances to keep in touch. IM has been the savior here. We do skype when time permits, but it is not regular enough for me to be my emotional backup.
    Of course, that in itself is another cause of deep resentment. As he and his family get to have multiple long contact everyday and mingle with baby too, whereas I am just running after chores.

    I have said a lot, I don't know if all this clarifies the situation better, or is just a vent. Hmmm
     
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  2. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    This. :grinning-smiley-048: But how..?
    Would that be legal? I mean, could I get into trouble with the law for doing that, any idea?

    @MonikaSG Thank you for your kind words, but I've tried talking to him several times in the past. He also shuts me out whenever he is displeased. I don't feel I can deal with this for the rest of my life.. yet I still hope to have a solve-everything-conversation:facepalm:

    @UngalilOruthi I'm sorry to hear you are in the same boat as me. This is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone.
    Exactly my thoughts!
    I'd be grateful if you have an suggestions on how to mentally detach oneself from her uncaring spouse..

    @GoneGirl I've tried that in the past.. managed it (though with great emotional turmoil, concealed) but guess what.. he is happy to be that way, and conveniently puts the blame on me - that I was cold etc.. I've since learned - and read - that it's best not to return in kind, and the most effective thing to do would be to go about your own stuff casually as if nothing has happened.. you know, kind of imagine the spouse is a child throwing a tantrum.. easier said than done, personally, because while I try to be casual, I get so pissed off when he acts bad - eg, orders something, or barks stuff at me, or slams doors etc.. :mad:
    @DDream your advice is gold! I am reading this to myself every day. But how to actually not care and not get upset by spouse's reactions/tanrums? I try hiding it, but then get pissed when I am supposed to be caring/concerned (else I will be blamed for the subsequent silent treatment, never mind that I was already being given it) and he will still act like a... well, like a jerk?

    @zeppelingirl I am happy that you've realised it so quickly, hats off to you.. please don't give in to it. And I'm proud of how you're taking a stand for yourself, way to go gal! Hope things go well for you, so that you feel fulfilled and cherished in life. Needless to say, don't have a child - be VERY safe - before you sort out this.
     
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  3. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Lots in the situation of this OP. I know the case of one girl who managed to get back to the safety of India, and the support of her relatives. She used a two step process. 1. Shut up and quit whining to husband, and strangers on the outside — local desi community friends ( aka gossip mongers), as well as internet strangers. 2. Bide time until the whole family gets to India; then run away with baby and take refuge at parents’. When this happens, hubby will have to leave India to avoid going to jail ( this is where keeping a diary of the daily details would come in handy).
     
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  4. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Since you asked...
    I have no idea!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Not that I haven't asked.
    But it has just been meted out, no explanations, and no time or personal space for a talk with his parents around.

    In retrospect, I've seen this crop up everytime something I do (or plan to do) displease him.

    This time :
    * Taking my child by myself up a hillock his mom couldn't climb (after telling her we are climbing up and will come back soon) at the park ----- was probably perceived as doing things on my own with my child and taking her away from his parents
    * Having a frustrated middle of the night argument where I got upset when my child wasn't going to sleep after rocking for a long time, and I asked him for help and was in return scolded by my mother in law for being upset and 'mentally unstable' etc. A very emotional argument, in which I dared to retort that yeah I must only do what you all say, and one in which spouse was standing-by-mom-silently-watching-me-with-anger by-stander (as her protector). After which I tried to settle things in half an hour by reaching out calmly to spouse, who just denied everything and throwing all blame on me, said I was being disrespectful to his parents - his #1 priority in life. I also reached out to my in laws and told them that whatever happened I did not intend to hurt them and my apologies if they were, and walked out of their room. In laws behaved normal with me after a day. He stayed cold.
    * I sternly asked him if he was taking the child out for a walk (yet again) without telling me.
    The previous time this had happened I had asked him earnestly to tell me too (he tells his parents ie mom only) if he is taking the kid for a walk, coz I'd love to come, and would like to know even if I cant come due to kitchen work, and feel hurt at not being even informed (I feel excluded, that I don't exist).
    I was taken to task for this that I was being disrespectful to my spouse and treating him like a servant (!!!). After which in-laws again behaved normally but the coldness continued.

    These were the overlapping episodes of the >2months saga of silent treatment.. still going on..

    These were probably the triggers because these were the only unpleasant events where he reacted with anger immediately after..There have been no other arguments or 'events'. I say probably because he never did say this is why.
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Why you need to care a jerk? If he is genuine and if he is behaving well, only then you need to respond. Learn to respect yourself. Do your duties as much as you can, but it doesn't mean you have to allow others to ill treat you or be a victim. But keep your standards high, give respect and take respect. As I said if you want to convey something (if you cannot agree or suffocated, tell him that you are suffering and finding it difficult to love or respect him, tell him you feel like you are in a jail, convey him you need his help ..what ever, tell him that you are not a mind reader, if he want to convey some thing he has to, till then you cannot help him in that matter), Do it in cool & composed way even if he dont respond. That will give you some relaxation when you pour your mind out.

    Most of the time we allow other to ill-treat us. They take it for granted and do it again. We should set up a boundary and stop if anyone crosses it or find ways to escape from that situation. That is my thinking. Learn to say NO.

    If some one blame and you think it is not correct, learn to ignore it. Create an I dont care attitude. This blame game is another way to control, show it has no effect on you

    What you will do if a street dog bark at you for no reason. I am sure you will try to get out that situation. Will barking back help? Ask yourself. Same with jerks. If you can learn the art of ignoring - you will get peace of mind. If you think some of actions make no sense, dont give any importance to his tantrums..

    Just train yourself. It will be tough initially. I suggest you to get out of the house everyday. Take your baby in a stroller and go for a walk at least for 10 minutes. It will be very depressing to stay in home full time. Try to find ways to entertain you or be busy with the limited resources, whatever, you a have. Say yourself that you will come out of it. If there is a will and strong drive, you will succeed for sure. Be strong

    Find ways to convince him to allow you to visit India with baby for some time. Look like he is a controlling freak. Why dont you inform your parents ? Is he like that all the time or this a consequence of PILS presence in your home?
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2017
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  6. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you are all alone there that's why you feeling this. In starting years of marriage it happens that we feel isolated and sometimes get depressed because of living with strangers who don't want to care about us. I too gone through depression and stress during both of my pregnancies. But by the time I have learned which things to ignore which to accept and how to react on each situation. Now also I get angry but can avoid to be very much depressed and also do not show much of my anger. One thing that I tried sharing to you as it helped me a lot and can help you too. I forcibly stopped my mind to think about all the nonsense. For that I did various stupid things but it worked over the time. Keep your mind busy with improvising yourself from the sources available. Like as you have the net use this to the full. For entertainment and for studies too. Keep brushing your skills with its help. Also spend quality time with your dd. She needs your time. Live her childhood. And don't worry so much about anything. Worries make us blind and don't let us think appropriately that is required to sort out the things. Cure your mind. Once it becomes healthy it will show you many ways to deal.
     
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  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Your situation is really concerning to me, it’s not surprising that you had some emotional meltdowns . Your husband is a control freak and you are stuck in a emotionally abusive marriage . I don’t see him changing even if you have a heart to heart conversation with him. His behavior seems almost sadistic and very cruel. He does not let you drive , you have no access to finances, he isolates you socially and all the while expects you to obey to his commands and then accuses of you being mentally unstable . All this behavior impacts your peace of mind, self esteem and he knows that for sure.

    Do you realize you have immense strength to put up with all this ? So it’s a given that you can deal with whatever situations that come with leaving this marriage .

    I knew of someone that went to India on vacation and then stayed back with the child. The husband filed a case but eventually could not get custody of the child. I do foresee your husband putting up a fight but I don’t think the outcomes will be in his favor.

    So focus on putting together a exit plan from this marriage albeit carefully.
    Please take care ! Lots of hugs to you !






     
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  8. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    @Nonya internet strangers..as in IL???!o_O

    Well, IL have gone on a semi-long trip to one other son's place. And the treatment has now thawed into speaking necessities and responding in non-curt way to stuff I say.. to occasional sentence replies as well.
    This weekend I've been surprised by him ordering food I like (intentionally or accidentally I am not sure)
    What is going on?

    I had been casual with him. Not freezing him out, nor lying at his feet all the time. Though I confess I did act concerned about his meals a couple of times.
    I think it is because his parents are not there now suddenly he doesn't mind saying a word or two to me here and there.
    Of course, they are still the centre of his world, with the frequent long skype/facetime sessions.


    This is my confusion. This is the barebones fact. However, it is not blatantly denied but restricted. With quite plausible sounding reasons. For ex, if I had some 'genuine financial need' he would give me money. And he does buy things (that are essential, or he feels essential/necessary) for me. I am having trouble understanding his behaviour. He doesn't really tell me not to mingle with anyone.....but... ??? what do I say! Am I being stupid?

    Whoa. I never saw it that way. Rather I'm trying to decipher why I am putting up with all this, why bother about someone who doesn't care for you, why hesitate and be scared of someone's displeasure and tantrums when you don't toe their line.

    I am trying to figure out what I can actually DO to slowly extricate myself from this kind of dependency - but sometimes feel there is no more slow extrication - a guy can be supportive or not. It would be foolish to keep begging for freedom.

    Parents, though empathetic, want me to fight within the marital bounds.
    I don't know what more fighting I can do.
    Is it really possible to remain as dependent as I am and bear the silent treatment, aloofness, and exclusion forever? On top of it be chastised for not being a good wife (reg. housework and cooking, being obedient and polite aka subservient)

    What about my child's emotional wellbeing if I chose a different path?

    So many questions...
     
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  9. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    Hey Hi OP ..There are certain things which are a bit confusing.First, are your ILs visiting / permanently putting up with you. ? I understand it can't be permanent since your H is on H1 . So if visiting, then for how long?
    2- how old is your baby?
    3- how long have you been in US?
    4- when you go to walk or to the park with the baby, is the MIL always in tow ?
    5- if you don't drive , who takes care of groceries / desi items shopping etc?
    6- staying in an apartment or a house? Any desi neighbors ?

    I am sorry for these q's but since we are discussing to get you out of this ditch,it would help if you answer these.
    Now, it seems that you have gauged your H well. He is uber controlling, parent worshipping( or just pretends so as to make you do so) guy. But it doesn't seem like you want to call it quits yet. Coz you do feel glad when he breaks his wall of silence . So leaving is out of question for now. If you are actually serious about leaving , you have to be emotionally indifferent to him and his lot and their actions . If such a day actually arrives - i.e. You want to end the marriage and are mentally ready for it, there are ways to get out of the country . But it doesn't seem like you are serious about it for now. As for the mental breakdown allegations, forget the BS they mete out to you. Any sane person would have a meltdown in your situation. You can't drive , don't have a credit card in your name - that's actually very difficult in a country like US.
    Talking of what to do in the present - can you put up a show ? Can you pretend to be sweet DIL ? Can you use their visit to your benefit ? Can you say - I have a stomach ache , I think I will just go and lie down with baby ?
    Whenever he gives you silent treatment, do your chores, be super sweet to your ILs , sing / hum songs to your baby - all in front of him. If he makes a plan to take everyone to movies , but he is cold to you all this while- say that you can't go - not feeling well etc . I suppose they won't take the baby without you.
    I have more to add but need answers to the q's first .
    Lastly, a big hug to you. Stay calm and cool. Keep your baby closest to you. If the baby doesn't sleep at night ( we have all been through this, so understand how frustrating this gets) , don't get angry.Give your baby as much time as possible even if you might be tired and sleepy yourself . Sleep in late the next morning.Wake up with the baby . No need to cook breakfast for this lot . Don't give these people any chance to comment on your sanity . Keep your chin up and head higher .Take care.
     
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  10. zazi

    zazi New IL'ite

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    same here
     

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