1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

How to deal with my cosister

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Teardrop, May 31, 2010.

  1. Teardrop

    Teardrop New IL'ite

    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Ladies,

    I love you all.....love love love Indusladies....very supportive at all times.....

    I got married 5 years back...my husband is the elder one and i have 2 BILs .....they both are good and talks and respects me well.....my husband likes his family so much.....there is no way that he understands or listens to me nor supports to me when his family is involved....I should not do any small thing to them...if they hurt me so badly i have to adjust....that is what he wants from me.....

    now my husband is some what supportive...but not all the time.....and when it comes to his family .....a big NOWAY.....no matter what it is I have to adjust....

    Coming to me....i am very Franck and out spoken....i dont know how play games or act ....i am a very straight forward girl....so we have lot of problems....

    Initial first two years went good..as no one from his family came here......his second brother got married after two years of our marriage....he came to US and stayed with us ....before this i have to start what we did to him....in my first year we saved money evry month for his marriage.....marriage cost us$10,000 and his green card (two times)....then right affter marriage he came here...in these three years he was with us evry year for about 3 to 6 months.....I use to take care of him and he was enjoying staying with us with out any discomfort....meantime i had a baby and work ....still he continues to stay with us.....

    my question is we and even me did so much to him...but now he settled with a good job ( and that is in my husbands office recommended by my husband) do you want me to expect some thing from him or his wife(my cosister)

    Expecting something from them is right or wrong?

    What kind of expectation?...like ...during my pregnancy my FIL asked my BIL and his wife to stay with us for a week and help me out?

    They clearly said NO to us.....and my husband is ok with this...but i am not....

    coming my cosister.....

    she is elder than me....but i am in a better position in all aspects than her....she makes me feel like i am useless....she ignores me a lot.....at first i was ok with that....she as if behaves like my boss in my own house...and makes me feel like servant to her....she ignore me a lotttttttttttttttttttt......she makes me feel like i am waste.....and my BIL is like chamcha to her....i dont care dam about that.....but on the other hand my husband wants me to bear all this with out saying anything......when ever they come to my house...i feel like i am left alone....(for ex....they leave me alone and they will always enjoy food to them selves with my husband ......and when we go out......every one leaves me back ....even i fallow them...but my baby could not make it..so i stay with my baby....but they will go and they will enjoy.....its like i have to take care of every thing...like food/cleaning arranging...they just come and enjoy.....i said before like a servant....

    see...I tolerated all these 3 years......when ever they stay with us...but now they are staying in the same town....i could not take this all the time.....

    ladies can some one suggest me how to deal in this case.....or do you want me to adjust....there is no support from husband....
     
    Loading...

  2. raisin

    raisin Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    13
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey teardrop,

    I have some issues with my co sister too. But she is elder to me and is the wife of my elder BIL. She has insulted me and my In-laws silently co operated at all times accusing me of everything. Hain? I am younger and I have to co operate, ignore her comments and get along? So who is matured here?

    we still live in the same town, meet once in a week and smile at each other inwardly grunting. My husband speaks from my side at times but cannot stand up for me at all times speaking for me. So that's natural. My in-laws do everything, all of them together without letting us know of anything much until the last moment.

    Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I dont care!

    Can I tell you frankly what I think? There is not much you cna do about it. Looks like your husband is pretending as if he doesn't understand your prob. You can't wake up a person who is pretending to be asleep.

    Just care less and ignore the lady as much as you can. Try to avoid her as far as possible. If you can try to be nice to your BIL. If he is useless forget him also, like mine.

    In-laws are our battle and our alone. DOn't expect any support from our husbands. But make sure they don't stand in double boats.
     
  3. Teardrop

    Teardrop New IL'ite

    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    @raisin

    thanks a lot for the reply....

    Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I dont care!

    I am trying to implement this.....I have to show her 'dont care' attitude....I am trying this from long time but could not do it.....i have to be strong....

    Can I tell you frankly what I think? There is not much you cna do about it. Looks like your husband is pretending as if he doesn't understand your prob. You can't wake up a person who is pretending to be asleep.

    you are 100% true.....there is not much i can do...only thing is Ignore and go with my life...and about my husband he doesnt even care.....I know this and i feel very very bad when he does this to me....i dont even care abut her if my husband supports me....

    Just care less and ignore the lady as much as you can. Try to avoid her as far as possible. If you can try to be nice to your BIL. If he is useless forget him also, like mine.

    sure...will fallow these for sure....ignore and leave the ****......

    hope god gives me strength to do this......:thankyou2:
     
  4. ranjuz

    ranjuz Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear teardrop,

    I felt sad when I read it... But dont worry... For whatever u have done, God will definitely to see everything & help u in one or the other way...
    Life will have ups & downs...

    But my cosister is very adjusting.. She lives in same town... she advises me, scolds me, corrects me, loves me too.. so she tells me if someone behaves badly, they r not matured, just ignore them..

    TO MAKE LIFE HAPPY, BE SATISFIED WITH WHAT GOD GAVE U.
    Believe in God & let Him give you all strengths..
    ranjuz
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2010
  5. Teardrop

    Teardrop New IL'ite

    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    @Ranju

    thank you for the reply...even i want to have a good cosister...but if she behaves like that how can i take this.....

    I am not going to accept this anymore.......:iagree
     
  6. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    592
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Really sorry but you are enabling all this. When somebody is insulting you in your own house, why invite them. If they ignore you its ok, but your DH joining them sounds terrible. The only angle I see here is your DH not being supportive here and not helping you.

    Whether your co-sister and BIL ignore you or ungrateful or taking advantage of you is second, some people cannot change. But the primary problem is your DH who is turning a blind eye to someone who is insulting his own wife. You should talk to him first.

    You cannot change your BIL and co sister attitude. If at all you have any scope to work on, its you and your DH. So work on that.
     
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Being frank, outspoken, not able to act SMART are not good qualities in MARRIAGE. Sometimes you have to handle situations with TACT rather than with heart and emotions.

    If you face problems headon..with your frankness you would be the loser!!

    Whatever you and your husband have done for your BIL , treat that as your responsibility You did what you could and leave it there. Dont expect people to bend down or keep saluting you their life long for what you both did to them. As far as your husband is concerned, he is the eldest one in the house and its often taken for granted that elder ones SHOULD take care of the younger siblings. Now the onus is on your husband as to how he lets his own siblings take him for granted..If he has no issues why are you :bonkeven so upset and angry about all this??

    Yes , when you are pregnant, you do expect some courtesy, support and help from your BIL and cosister. However when someone says BLANK NO to helping you, you should take it sportively, learn the lesson, dont make much fuss about it, manage things on your own..(However...WAIT for your time) have you ever heard about what goes around..comes around??? so just wait for your time..and when they ask for help...pls openly say NO when you CANNOT. but ensure that you dont sound angry/revengeful/tit for tat..show some empathy and say ohhh sorry I wont be able to manage or do that etc..

    If you stop cribbing and complaining about how your cosis and BIL are not helping or paying attnetion or giving respect to you,this complaining thing would surely annoy your husband..but you got to have lot of patience. dont complain about them. Be silent when they say something and smile and leave it there. But when your BIL/Cosis ask for something, tell them to ask your husband, and when your husband wants you to do something for them...you say NO. Firm NO. (my best friend had the same exact problem like yours...she had a sis in law and BIL who just used her so much but never respected her..after 8 yrs of marriage now my friends husband understood how his own brother treats and respects the younger DIL i.e bros wife but no one respects or cares for the elder DIL (as my friends husband was always pushing her to adjust to all of them)..Now the situation has changed...yes its a long wait for her..but it was worth waiting!

    Also you have to STOP taking everything to heart. If they all are talking and enjoying, you pay attention to your kid. Why do you even want to be aroudn those people who dont even care for you:hide: I would just ignore such people and just serve food and exit that place. Even when going out, I would walk sooo slowly to ensure let them go ahead and I would have fun with my kid rather than being with them. Let your husband handle his side people. NEVER show your displeasure or never complain to him about how nasty his side people are...if you do that he wouldnt listen to your side of the story. Give sometime and see how your BIL and co sis are managing and am sure your husband would also get some hints from them on how to respect you!!
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2010
    1 person likes this.
  8. Sobhi

    Sobhi Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    314
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey TearDrop

    I would go word by word with what srividya has stated.
    Dont take things to your head. Why worry about people who dont care for us.

    Dont complain to your husband anything. At the same time dont do cooking and cleaning for your BIL and Co-sister. Let them cook or let your DH make some adjustment ( take them to hotel or so). You enjoy with your kid.

    It will take time but slowly your DH will understand. You pretend in a nice way you have work and cannot afford to do all the work (cooking cleaning)

    Take your kid and go out when they come. You can enjoy with ur kid as well as avoid serving them.

    Learn to be a little tactfull. World is full of such people. If we are too frank, its like we are hitting our head to the stone ourselves.

    take care
    luv
    Shobha
     
  9. Teardrop

    Teardrop New IL'ite

    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    :thankyou2:
    @Rosegirl

    I 100% agree with what you said.....:yes: My Problem is my husband ....I am not worried about my BIL or his wife.....I dont even care when ever they do like this but when my husband joins them....I get really frustrated and loose my temper......:bonk

    I have to learn how to handle these things....Have to act smartly.....

    coming to husband....he is not going to change any time.....so just leave and go on with the life....but i have to solve my primary problem ...my husband....after seeing them he some what realized how they are...hope there is going to be some change in future....:thankyou2:
     
  10. raisin

    raisin Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    13
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    I totally agree with the ongoing end of the discussion. When I crib about my in-laws my husband gets annoyed but he doesn't disagree. He asks me to avoid them and to ignore them which becomes difficult. When I try to be unified with them they don't and it shows out to the others outside. My co sister does not even ask how I am doing when I am struggling with a lot of health issues and stress. She asks me to stop thinking and to do everything and leave everything to God. Though she is right, her advice without any support is **** for me. She had told me that it is easy to speak and not so easy to suffer when she was hospitalised and I told her not to take tension once!! I had even offered her to help in the hospital. So that's how the world goes.

    I had planned to be hypocrtical and tactful. But you cannot be when there is nobody ready to listen to you. Only when people wag their tails to you whatever you sound falls gold on them. I cannot act smart when my in laws take side of my co sister. But may be in your case you can as there are no in laws in the picture.

    I wish we could change the world according to our tune.
     

Share This Page