How to deal with MIL/FIL caring too much only for SIL

Goahead · May 13, 2014

So my nlaws have been very rude to me, manipulative, kanjoos etc etc( i can write pages) for years and I have come to an agreement with it and have established few rules for myself( cannot dictate them in anyways).

My rules are stay away from them as much as I can, talk as less, expect as less as possible and just not get involved emotionally with them .

This helps me for most of the part, but my husband expect me to be very close to them and treat them exactly the same as my parents . So if i call my parents, I shall call my inlaws as well...i have stopped explaining him that me calling them does not do any good. They taunt , say something that ruins my day. Instead if I talk to my parents, I get peace of mind. So I need to talk to my parents for my sake, but he fails to understands and prioritize his parents over me.so i have simply stopped telling him that now.

now my husband is the only son and I have a sil. My sil is married but my inlaws only cares for her. She gets all the expensive gifts like gold, diamond, money for the household stuff etc etc. My inlaws have never given me anything or do not even think of giving anything to me or my kid.

Issue is if i buy something for myself, my MIL/FIL start thinking of SIL immediately. They somehow start asking /complaining my husband that its his responsibility to gift sister and take care of her etc etc. I know that just because i bought an expensive piece of jewellery or a branded bag/shoes/clothes, they are thinking this way . . we have always given everyone expensive gifts like laptops, i pods many number of times. Once we got a laptop for SIL and my FIL knowing that we have bought the laptop still asked can you bring i pod for her as well as she likes to listen to music. I mean is their any limit on what we shall give them???????...

if she likes to listen to music , then let her go and buy an i pod for herself. Why do we have to get her 2 expensive s gifts in a row?
This goes to date and i'm tired. My inlaws expect us to treat them like family and my husband and i are suppose to take care of everything, but when it comes to my inlaws they are always giving/caring for SIL all the time. and i cant tolerate this anymore. Even the grandson gets nothing, but my sil will get gold/diamond all the times.if it was a straightforward scenario of they giving her whatever they want and not expecting anything from us , then it was ok , but here when its time for us to do anything, the expectation is there, but when its time for inlaws to do something fr us, they stay quiet, but for the same instance they will do for sil .

to top this off my inlaws have created this thing in my husbands mind that sil is not doing that well as us . Ok i agree she just got married and is settling. Her husband earns very good, may not be that good as my husband, but look at the age difference...no one sees that .We have been marred for almost 10 years, we have a house, sl just got marred, how can you compare us with what she/bil has. My husband has his eyes closed on this..he even agrees to this situation and is totally blinded and keep complaining that bi/sil shall do something to increase their salaries etc...when we got married, we had less than half luxuries that my sil has today ...but no one sees that expect me...my mil has this habbit of makingherself and sil some kind of bchaari all the times...we cant afford this and that , and my husband would send money and they have been buying/wearing much more expensive stuff that me...even for my sil wedding, my MIL wore a better/expensive saree than me...i'm the bahu and only bahu of the house...but no everything is for SIL all the time...

another example: my sil took her fil to hospital once to get him checked up for something he was complaining. My MIL went around the town and kept saying this , how nice of a dil she is...my ilaws were here and I was taking them for doctors visit, airports etc , but as per my mil , that was a regular thing and it was my duty , but for sil she is a GOD very social prson and very nice caring to her inlaws...

How do you all handle this situation?

satchitananda · May 13, 2014

Accept the idea that it is their daughter and you as a dil can never aspire to compete for an equal share of their affection. The day you accept that, life will be easier for you.

Having said that, it is their right to do whatever they wish to for their daughter, but they have no right to demand or to expect that you and your husband should spend on expensive gifts for her. That is also for your husband to understand.

As for comparisons between her daughter and you, just IGNORE. If she keeps coming to you and comparing you to her daughter, go ahead and compare her to your mother. Tell her how good your mother is etc. and hope she gets the message.

yellowmango · May 13, 2014

First ...stop comparingIt will do you no good.
Next time she or husband complain silis not so well off....just say..."don't worry we werealsolike that,remember....they will also be doing well or better insome time.

Don't show what you buy for yourself.If they ask...tell them I bought it with my money or my parents gifted me.

Gift what you want to gift...ignore rest.If they keep asking...then only buy what they ask for and don't buy any other gift from your side.

If husband insists on you talking to them....do it when he is present with the speaker on

I had no idea there are so many shameless women out there who sponge off there brothers.Coming to this forum has been an eye opener.

tulipzz · May 14, 2014

I never understand this "duty" one sibling has towards another.

heron · May 14, 2014

give her your old ones and you buy new ones...like give her 4S and you buy 5S...all second hand...over and over again...

Too coslty just say " oh we spent everything on this..we will buy her next year"...next year never comes...

a limit is fine but sometimes it is very irritating...

Goahead · May 14, 2014

ok girls..all good advice and i totally agree but unfortunately this does not work for me as my husband belongs to inlaws...i cant do give 4s and buy 5s for myself...my husband would come in between and complain of giving her something old...he would actualy gift her 5s and ask me to wait for few months lol..thats how he is ...

when i say [FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]don't worry we werealsolike that,remember....they will also be doing well or better insome time. my husband reply is " No we were far better when we got married" as if he knows how much savings my BIL has before marriage...my husband is just blinded when it comes to my inlaws and I cant implement all the good advice given here....[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]another example "gift what you want to gift"---- when we bought a laptop and FIL asked for i pod as well..i told my husband to gift only laptop as that is enough for one time...his reply" so what think that I'm gifting the laptop to parents and i pod to her...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]i have tried everything and my husband is too loyal towards his family....because of this behavior i actually dislikes my husband ...i posted another thread sometime back on this ..i feel he is loyal toards them so much that he makes me bali ka bakara...if i say yes to everything, things are ok in my house...the moment i qeston, or say the truth, or say no or feel that my inlaws are being partial, my husband resents...i have had a lot of pain after my delivery all bcause my husband during my postpartum time sided with inlaws and i was left cooking and entertaining all his relatives and family as an ideal bahu..the moment i spoke, he created a scene in front of my inlaws...
[/FONT]
so what can i do when husband is not on my side....i think i know my answer ( be quiet, let him do whatever he wants and you do whatever you want) ..having hard time accepting the fact that i cant say anything even in my own house...