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How to cope with a spouse who blames you for infertility?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by snm1984, Mar 22, 2013.

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  1. Mar 23, 2013 #31
    snm1984

    snm1984 Platinum IL'ite

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    @sarada30,sansmomy &dimhere,
    Thanks for motivating me and congrats on your success in battling infertilty and PCOS.

    @sweetshreya,
    I was really looking forward to your reply,actually wanted to talk to you about that.I remember you saying that you face the same problem.Well babydust to both of us.Lets learn to be insensitive and not let their crap affect us.:)

    @chocogirl26,
    Thanks a lot for the videos.I have been trying to incorporate yoga into my exercise regimen and it was eally helpful.

    @GiJoe,
    According to his company policy he's eligible for GC if he works in India for X no yrs in so and so post.He's been arguing that if had we stayed in India(which we didn't because we were planning for baby) and came back we would have got GC in a few yrs.

    @cutemonster,
    Thanks a lot.I don't want to go in self pity mode either.I do everything to motivate me-go for walks,exercise,pray...I have stopped seeking his support long back.Its the criticism that irritates me,I wouldn't have bothered so much if he showed indifferent behavior.You are right if things still don't work out and his behavior becomes intolerable I have to make drastic decisions.
     
    snm1984, Mar 23, 2013
    snm1984, Mar 23, 2013
    #31
    1 person likes this.
  2. Mar 23, 2013 #32
    shruthipraveen

    shruthipraveen Platinum IL'ite

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    Infertility is bad enough and an insensitive husband worsens the situation. *hugs* to you.
    I feel very bad for you and the situation you are in. This is esp the time you must be together. I wish your stupid MIL stops interfering and stops poisoning your hubby. At least, thankfully, you are not staying with her!
    Before a baby, I think it's a marriage counsellor you must visit. Sorry I couldn't be of much help. My heart goes out to you. I sincerely wish everything comes right for you soon.
     
    shruthipraveen, Mar 23, 2013
    shruthipraveen, Mar 23, 2013
    #32
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  3. Mar 24, 2013 #33
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    SNM,

    Your struggle and your strong spirit are both very evident from your posts. The below is in addition to what has already been said so well in responses.
    You never know how you would react if the problem was from his end. The desire to have a child and the inability to do much about it other than trust the doctor and hope the treatments work would take a toll on the saintliest of people, and it would come out on the closest one, who happens to be spouse.

    I am not a fan of pointing out a positive side in such situations, but doing it here. If the problem were from his end, chances are it would be even tougher on the marriage. Many men go for the diagnosis, but if problem turns out to be in them, they just stop going to the doctor, as opposed to women who leave no stone unturned and go through zillion procedures, treatments and visits without much complaint. Handling his frustration with your problem is easier than handling your frustration if he has problem but won't trying fixing it.

    While your husband is, putting it kindly, being an ass, about the whole thing, let's not blame him entirely too. This is a problem you are facing together. Even in the lovingest of marriages, resentment does show up once in a while towards the spouse who has a problem (or disease or ailment or any shortcoming). Even a handicapped child or sick parent can bring forth flashes of resentment in a person. That is human nature.

    In every marriage, one person is the stronger one, the one who sees the boat through rocky waters. It is often the woman. In yours, it is you. Husband simply does not have the ability to be the pillar of support he needs to be. Probably he realizes it too.

    Whenever any problem comes in a marriage, the husband and wife have to support each other. This supporting process is never smooth. A person has to support oneself, support spouse and support them together. And regular life has to go on in the meanwhile. This getting mad with each other, silent treatment, hugging, crying are all part and parcel of it. What you are facing is one of the toughest problems a marriage can face, but, it is not the last problem or challenge. Life is long and beautiful and filled with many such challenges. Extended unemployment, a parent battling old age, some problem with child, a sudden financial loss, a temporary disability, house going down in value drastically, are only some of the challenges married couples deal with.

    It is hard, but you have to be the wiser one. Bouts of impatience and crying are fine, but each time come out of it stronger. You don't want the relationship to deteriorate to such a level that he also thinks he finds you disgusting, and it impacts the TTC process. Even one or two months lost to that is too much.

    Best wishes,
    R
     
    Rihana, Mar 24, 2013
    Rihana, Mar 24, 2013
    #33
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  4. Mar 24, 2013 #34
    GaythriV

    GaythriV Platinum IL'ite

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    My tight hugs to you and pray for you to get things set right asap.

    As your profile says soon someone will be coming into your life in the form of your child to make life better and others causing pain will make your life fantastic by walking away from you. Have patience and be confident.
    My best wishes.
     
    GaythriV, Mar 24, 2013
    GaythriV, Mar 24, 2013
    #34
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  5. Mar 25, 2013 #35
    snm1984

    snm1984 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Rihana. It took a lot of effort to achieve that strong spirit,I was super sensitive and soft person before marriage.Like someone's signature here on IL said"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have.":)

    I always tried to look at it from his angle trying to find an answer to what makes him say that.And I have realized it probably takes more stress on him than for me in a way-my family is fully supportive in this regard,we talk everyday.But its not the same for him,not only does he have zero support from his family,he had to face complaints and criticism too.Its been ages since he talked and my instincts tell me that this is the reason-he can't deal with endless negativity and discouragement.I sympathize with him even when I feel strong disgust for him when he stoops to such low lvls. And that's because at the moment(and probably in the future too) I am the only family he has whom he can fully trust and rely on for emotional support.That and the fact that he does care for me is what keeps me going in this relationship,that's what gives me the strength.I don't know how our future is going to be(I am scared of planning a baby with this man),but I just hope my actions and my patience will change him and make him a more understanding husband and father.

    I know this is just the start of the long struggle,as you said.Your insight was very helpful,I will keep it in my mind.Thanks a lot R.
     
    snm1984, Mar 25, 2013
    snm1984, Mar 25, 2013
    #35
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