How to convince DW to mingle with my family ?

@Tridev,

I never said that she is right to stop her DD from meeting her grandmother. I only said maybe this is not the right time for all that. Remember there are faults on all sides and not just OP's DW's attitude.

 

If your wife does not like your family and hates them to core, she will never allow her DD to meet her and even if you convince for once or twice, she will have lot of grudge against that too.. She will not like it for sure... So basically she will isolate her DD too because she may feel the inlaws are not good people...

Whatever you have mentioned it does not seem she is easy to understand or make understand...

 

Jay

I'm a silent reader of this forum but feel compelled to write now.
As you may have heard many times, it's only yourself you can change. You cannot force anybody to change. It is reasonable on your part to want your DD to have a relationship with your mom but your wife isn't completely unreasonable in her stand.

From your different posts you sound like, 'right I made a mistake and I've apologised, so you better move on'. Though it's always good to forgive and move on it must come willingly from the person who has been hurt. Just because you realise your mistakes your wife's pain and hurt doesn't go away. She lost a baby, you have moved on from that bitter experience but it's very clear she is still grieving the loss. Don't forget your mom didn't want to come and help with the baby then. It's natural for ur wife to feel why your mom should be interested in your kids now.

You sound as though you are tolerating your wife only for
the sake of your kids, in which case your efforts of trying to unite everybody seems futile.If you want things to work out for the right reasons, stop trying to blame either your mother or your wife, they are who they are. Do not worry about the rest of the family just focus on your wife n yourself and strengthen your love, trust and understanding. If at all possible stop the peace restoring efforts for a short while. Show your wife you truly care and truly love her, not cause she is a good mother or any such reason. Find ways to help her enjoy this pregnancy. Talk to her even if she doesn't reciprocate.I don't know if I'm right in suggesting this but You could do something special so that you can remember the baby that you lost which may help her grieve and thus let go of the negative feelings she is
harbouring.

Well guess I'm rambling on, to sum it up, if you can really love your wife in the true sense, she will start trusting you. Once the trust is built she will be willing to understand where your coming from. Do not bring your inlaws into this, they do not have a role to play. The problem here is not your wife's obstinacy, it is just the result of the problem. The problem is the foundation of your relationship, work on it Jay, your wife will come around. All the very best for a happy relocation.

 

Jay,

Right now you are seeing things as they are now, and thinking it will always be this way. Probably you imagine your wife 10 years into the future still at war with your mom. But let me share you a small story that might make you feel better...

My mil did some really bad things to me. She called me names like 'prostitute' 'whore' 'b****' and told me to 'get out of her son's house' 'get divorced' and poisoned my mind telling me how madly in love my dh was with his ex wife. If she heard me and dh talking in our room she would barge in, one time she even tried to hit me. She would let all the hot water run out of the bathroom so I had to take cold showers every night. In the first year of marriage, this divided me and dh to the core. Eventually my dh did as you did and put his mom in her place and made it very clear to her that she was WRONG and not welcome in our house again.

STILL I was angry and NEVER wanted to see her again. I felt SO hurt that even the mention of his mom would make me feel like vomiting. I vowed that no matter what, I would never come face to face with her again, and neither would any future children of mine. I HATED her.

My husband hated her too. However, he cooled down faster than me (much like you have). After getting my 'ok', he got back in touch with his folks a year later. I stewed in anger for many years. I thought I would NEVER be able to forget what she had done to me. And one part is right... I will never forget, but for the most part, I've MOVED ON.

Next year my dh's cousin is getting married and there's going to be a big family get together in India. If you had told me this back in 2007 when all this happened, I would have said "NEVER, NO WAY! I'm not going!!" But today, I feel ok with it. I'm a little scared, a little hesitant, but I have reached a place in my marriage where I feel it's the right thing to do by going to the wedding/get together next year.

Eventually, with a lot of love, patience, and support, your wife can get there too. Eventually her anger will cool and she will feel open to talking about family get togethers again. But ONLY if you give her time. If you try to force her or make ANY excuses for what your mom did or try to minimize your or your mom's actions, it will set her back BIG TIME. If you really want her to genuinely mingle with your family, it will have to come FROM HER when she is ready.

You expect your wife to forgive all this hurt in a day's time. But please remember Jay, all this torment didn't just happen in a day... she has suffered for YEARS. What your wife has experienced takes time to move on from. Give her that time. Yes, maybe you will feel embarassed in front of relatives, but eventually she will come around and mingle, and the hurt feelings will be forgotten then. Just a word of warning.... the next time your wife meets your mom, you better make sure your mom is on her BEST behavior. Lot of people believe in second chances.... third ones... not so much!

 

And there are women who have been through A LOT more than me even. But when it comes down to it, we only know the pain we ourselves feel. The pain your wife would have felt is just as hurting and all consuming as mine was. Maybe the the abuse took a different form, but abuse is abuse, no matter how big or small, it scars your soul the same. Personally, I felt your wife had gone through more than me... what with losing a baby and you getting physical with her. I really felt sorry for her.

Time heals a lot of wounds, Jay. Or at least soothes hurt feelings enough for us to put on a happy face for a function. In time.

Give your wife time so that her pain feels more like a bad dream than a reality of yesterday, and you'll see a change.

 

I wanted to convey the above....

Ask yourself - If the patch up is just a compromise in your life...for your kids.

 

Dear Jay,

Amidst your two posts - "Confessions of an erstwhile momma's boy" and the current one "how to convince DW to mingle with my family"; you missed out something important.. "how to strengthen bond with DW after my realization" or "how to be a perfect husband"

Sorry if i offend your feelings. But i really feel that first u must give your 100% to the relationship. Wait to see if it works. And if still ur wife continues with her obstinacy, then complain.

How much time has passed after you realized your follies and changed as a person? Did you give your wife enough time to forget and forgive??