1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

how to change myself?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rya, Mar 21, 2008.

  1. rya

    rya Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    438
    Likes Received:
    71
    Trophy Points:
    70
    Gender:
    Female
    hello ladies,
    i have a situation like this...whenever my husband and me fights(if he is not genuine in his reasons) ,i will feel bad and the sadness will be there for nearly two weeks. due to this,iam not talking properly to my husband and always dull in mood.those arguments are there in my heart always and i used to feel sad about it at times..he is a person who just forgets everything even after heated arguments..he is expecting me to be like him but i cannot even if i try..Is this normal? because iam a different character,he is different...even if i will be dull,i will take care of him all the time with concern..but the sadness is there all the time..what can i do to get rid of these? even if i see my inlaws i remember their nasty arguments towards my husband about me(really,i did not do anyhting bad to them and i have an intention to take care of them all the time..even if they blast,i will be quite..the problem is iam reserved and they are totally opposite,over talkative..they are expecting me to be overtalkative but i cannot..i tried my best..they are not ready to accept my character and expect me to talk all the time which makes me feel very inconvenient..Ladies,please tell me if any woman who gets married,is there any rule that she has to change her character totally? my character has not affected anybody and i will be pleasent..but they expect me to talk one hour and email always in between..iam going crazy.. if i talk for more than 15-20 mins..i will be sick really..they will talk for one and half hour in telephone) if my husband supports them..i will be very weak..Please give suggestions as to how i can change myself still more....i had it in my heart and now i vent outside...
    thanks in advance...
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2008
    Loading...

  2. sudhirakumar

    sudhirakumar Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    168
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    hey these are all common problems faced by every women. Let me tell you something you need not change your self you are absolutly normal. sometimes we get angry and we are so deeply hurt that we feel bad for a long time. let me tell you when anger or sadness does not leave you just remember in your mind that nothing is going to last forever..neither anger nor arguments. Hey! lucky that your husband leaves things just like that. He is a cool person. And, practicing meditation can help you solve the problem. Puja can solve the problem just sit before god say everything to him then you will fell light and happy.and remember talking in the phone i know sometimes for long hours its just boring..but sometimes we have to bear all that. Hey keeping yourself happy and your hubby happy is your respnsiblity. and always remember A man fall in love agian and again with a women who can make him laugh....so make your hubby love you over and over..comeone you got to impress him..thats the fun of being married.In-Laws problems are for everyone...

    enjoy life
    my advice may not be so good but i felt like telling you all this
    cheers
    sudhira
     
  3. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,431
    Likes Received:
    2,179
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Female
    Frankly speaking, I like your hubby's way. Also, theres nothing in us that we cannot change. We are in control of our emotions, only when we are like that, we can have a peaceful happy life.

    Have arguments during that time.. but move on with your life :) Its actually a good thing to learn from him I would say. There is no gain for you to keep it in your heart and miss out all the happiness in life if only you had forgotten them. If you are happy, then the surroundings will be merrier and happier, but if you are sad and angry, it will just you :(

    So, have fights and arguments (it has to be there ;) in every household u know.. only then life is more interesting, me thinks). But after that, forget it, if you feel the pain or hurt, then tell him when u are not fighting that it hurts and you would not want to hear such painful stuff anymore.

    About talking for hours, I dont think you need to change yourself. If you are very reserved person, then they should accept for what you are. Tell you hubby that you dont chitchat that often and you get headaches (invent something to escape from talking). I guess your husband will understand :)
     
    sindmani likes this.
  4. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    753
    Likes Received:
    122
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Rya,

    I face the same problem. I do too much post mortem analysis on every fight and my hubby easily forgets everything. He just loves to have fun all the time. Of late I am getting a little better. Here are some things that are working for me.
    1) I practice Sudarshan kriya which is a breathing technique taught by art of living foundation. It helps me in becoming aware of my feelings, moods and sensations. Every feeling has a corresponding sensation in your body. Most of the sensations are felt between the throat and navel. When you feel warm and loving you feel a pleasant sensation in your heart. When you are choking with grief you feel it in your neck. When you are very angry or jealous you feel a burning sensation in your stomach. When you become very aware of these sensations the moment they arise gradually they go away. Mindful meditations like vipassana meditation help in training the mind to be aware of these sensations. Read this article
    The Art of Living: Vipassana Meditation
    Meditations, pranayama, yoga will definitely help. But we need to learn the right technique from the right teacher. The reason that we feel like this is become we are over attached to our hubbies. Learning to maintaining our equanimity in all situations is the key.
    2) Sometimes when I feel very sad I try to change my mood by doing something different.

    I hope these suggestions help.

    Thanks,
    Kavya.
     
  5. radhee

    radhee Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    346
    Likes Received:
    13
    Trophy Points:
    40
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Rya,

    Perhaps one reason why you are unable to forget the fights is because you are not venting out your feelings properly. I understand that you are reserved, but are you so with your husband too? When you both have an argument, do you make your viewpoint clear to him? or do you just listen to what he says and get hurt within and keep to yourself? See, viewpoints differ between individuals. If you have an argument, speak out to each other frankly (in a calm manner) and tell him what you feel and why you feel like that about a particular issue. Let him also tell his point. Once you speak out things and vent out your feeilngs to him in a proper way, I dont think you will carry it on for so many days.

    And regarding your in-laws, you need not change yourself completely. Being reserved is a very nice characteristic which many people (including me) can never be. When you talk with your in-laws over phone, talk to a reasonable length of time and tell them your hubby wants to talk to them and hand over the phone to him and go your way. Or tell them you have something on the stove or some other reason. (Dont let him talk first and handover the phone to you, becos then it might be difficult for you to cut the call). Do this 2 or 3 times, they should get used to it. They have to accept you as you are. Just my 2 cents.

    cheers,
    radhee.
     
  6. rya

    rya Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    438
    Likes Received:
    71
    Trophy Points:
    70
    Gender:
    Female
    hello everybody(sudhira,nandhshyam,kavya,and radhee)
    thank you very much for ur sweet responses..yes! all the responses are very sweet..i can take your ideas which is very reasonable..I used to talk with him frankly but my husband is mistaking me so much..that is the problem..he thinks that i don't like his parents at all...whereas i don't have any problem in my mind if they are good.can you also suggest how i should remove this feeling from him? kavya, the vipassana yoga u have given is very good..actually i was thinking to do any yoga or meditation,which i used to do actually long time back(before marriage).the mistake i did is after marriage,due to problems,i stopped doing it.that's funniest thing i did.. we are going to my SIL house tommorrow..i think he has talked with them before as not to tell anything that hurts me....i hope,they will subside..god knows what is going to happen..Anyway,thanks for all your responses and if you find time give some tips to handle husbands if inlaws issues comesforth..
    Thanks
     
  7. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,381
    Likes Received:
    47
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Rya,

    Excellent suggestions from everyone. Like you already acknowledged, everyone has given you a lot of ideas to build from. I will also re-emphasize the yoga and meditation part. It helps like nothing else. So do find time to do it.

    As for suggestions on how to get the feeling that you do not like his parents out of your husband’s mind, here is what I will suggest you try.

    Every husband is different. There are husbands who do not like to hear anything even remotely negative about their side of the family (even though they know some of it is right), this is the majority. The second type is who will listen a little bit of negative remarks from his wife but it has to be said in the right manner, with the right use of words and the right emotions. Then there is the third type who gives his wife the freedom to express her views freely and openly and will try to understand her frustration and point of view (this is a rare type). Of course, in all of this we are assuming that the wife is a fairly reasonable person.

    The first and the most crucial step is to identify what type your husband is. Our way of handling the in-laws situation with our husband should be customized to his nature in this area. Most of the times we like to behave like the wife of a type 3 husband when in fact our husband is a type 1. That’s why we end up with so much pain and heartbreak. So first try to understand what type your husband. Is he the over sensitive type when it comes to his side of the family?

    If your husband is of the type who cannot tolerate much negative feedback about his people then don’t tell him anything negative about them. Don’t expect that he will protect or defend you from their behavior when need be. Rely only on yourself to do that. Build the mental strength and muster the courage to know that you are the only one to resolve your issues in this area. The moment you let go of the expectation from your husband and start taking things in your hands, things will change for the better for you. Don’t let go of what you want, just let go of the expectation that your husband should help you get it. You get it for yourself. We are as intelligent and as capable as our husband. So in areas where he is not willing to step up and help out we must stand up and do it for ourselves. This way we get what we want and we do not complain to our husband either. I know this is very easy to say but difficult to implement. But there is not much else we can do.

    About any hurtful incident happening at your sil’s place, I hope it does not happen in the first place. But if it does, then here is what I think you can do. Many times we can protect ourselves from the hurt in most situations by following two principles –

    1. Don’t take yourself too seriously and don’t take things personally (especially when it comes from people who you know only mean to put you down). Try to take things in a lighter vein. Keep a “chalta hai” attitude when it comes to other people’s behavior towards you. When you constantly make light of other people’s hurtful comments towards you it does you a lot of good. First, you don’t look like a complaining person. Second, the person doing it to you starts getting frustrated that he is not able to disturb your mental peace. It is an outright defeat for this person.
    2. If you think that you must respond, reply or behave in a certain way in reaction to their negative comments or behavior towards you then do it yourself and do it like you are in charge. Be confident and take action. Do not think that someone else will know how bad you are feeling or how hurt you are and will come to your rescue. They might come to your rescue or they might not. But don’t expect it. If you have a befitting reply to give and you feel like giving it, just give it. Don’t wait for your husband to intervene and speak for you or make things better for you. It is said that good things come to you when you least expect them. I think support in emotional matters too follows this adage. When you stop relying on people to make you feel good or to resolve your issues, over a period of time you will find that they are more willing to help you than they were ever before. And even if they never help you, you already have what it takes to handle things by yourself so you have nothing to lose.

    In all of this I would like to mention one thing that I feel is very important. We must try not to go to either extreme. Too much dependency and leaning on someone’s shoulder is as bad as too much independence and “I don’t need you for anything” attitude. So we must constantly keep a check on ourselves to be as much balanced as possible. Of course, it is natural to overshoot in one extreme sometimes but we have to ensure that it does not get ingrained as a part of our personality.

    The key is in recognizing where someone (husband in this case) will help willingly and where his help will do more harm than good. Once we know this part then we ask him for support only where we really think it will help. The areas where we know he is very sensitive, we must take care of these areas mostly by ourselves and expect only minimal and absolutely essential support from him. This way we can try to achieve a balance between being independent and dependent in a reasonable proportion.

    I will say this again that all of this looks perfect to write but when it comes to actually putting it in practice it is very tough. But I think this is the only possible positive choice we have. In some areas we have to mould ourselves differently than what our original mould has been. It is tough but it is doable.

    Good luck and go determined to not get hurt and sad by your sil’s comments if she makes any negative ones. Try it once and you will love repeating it! J

    SS
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2008
  8. veen

    veen Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    215
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Rya,

    I read somewhere a technique to improve or change by programming our minds as listed below.

    1. Take a few cards or book, list all the things u want change in yourself.
    2. Then select one on the order of importance & priority.
    3. Place the card or book where u can locate easily all the time. If it is post-it pads stick to yr. fridge.
    4. Read this message morning as soon as get up to yrself. Again read it to yourself in the afternoon. Again read it before going to bed.
    5. Repeat this process for 30 days or still u internalise or becomes part of yourself.

    It requires lot of determination, but can be done.

    Hope this helps.

    veena
     
  9. JayaJ

    JayaJ Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    212
    Likes Received:
    5
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Rya

    There is no harm in learning good habits. I agree, you would think why should i change for some1 else when i dont want to?

    Having a fight and forgetting about it after some time is a good habit. If your going to keep brooding about fights or any arguments, then, your missing out on life which has so much to offer. Half your lifetime will be spent in brooding about the past.

    Learn this good habit from your husband and build it to move towards a new future filled with happiness.

    Good habits can be copied/learnt from others. Its the bad habits that we shouldnt learn from others. With good habits, your nature will only enhance your qualities and make you a better person. So go ahead and learn to change yourself into a better person.

    Good luck!
     
  10. rya

    rya Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    438
    Likes Received:
    71
    Trophy Points:
    70
    Gender:
    Female
    hi soaring spirit,jayaj and veen,
    thank you very much for all your replies..yes..that's really good to know your advices..soaring spirit,you have taken a lot of effort to answer the question..thank you very much for that..yes,i think i should be proactive sometimes which makes me feel light..and veen,i think i have to keep cards so that my husband also shd know that iam changing for him..and jayaj,my husband has a good habit which iam trying to take from him,but sometimes what happens is my mind is preoccupied with the problems and i could not perform in my normal activities..i used to have so many questions in my mind which i will expect answers from him..without knowing the answers i cannot move on..sometimes,the answers turns out to be a fight..i should not be so sensitive i think..i have learnt something important from all of your answers which are very good..Thanks for all your replies..
    :)
     

Share This Page