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How to change a Mamma's Boy?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by greatgugu, Dec 18, 2009.

  1. greatgugu

    greatgugu New IL'ite

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    Hi!
    My husband is a complete Mamma's boy. I live with my in laws. They are nice people and have provided a lot of freedom. All my husband wants from me is to serve them and be goody goody to them. He doesnt mind if i upset him but minds a lot if i upset his parents. Whatever, i tell him/inform, he has to simply go tell mom no matter what.. Also, his mom/dad have private conversation with him involving me .. but they never tell anything to me.. I feel very bad and try to fit in but they always leave out of important discussions and conversations.. like for eg, if they are planning to build the house, they will discuss how much amt DH has to give in.. but wont even breath a word out to me.. Later on, after few days, DH will just inform me that he is going to give that amount for parents.. ! I feel left out.. I have told him openly that i want him to share things with me.. but he says, he is not used to talking things like this to anyone..! Also, He will never take any any decision ever without asking her.. if his mom says do this and dont do this, he will follow her.. and the worst is, he doesnt tell me till the end what he is going to do.. its always a suspense for me.. :drowning what should i do? I have tried to make him talk .. he doesnt.. I have told him not to tell his mom the private conversations which we have .. but he doesnt listen.. so i dont have anyone to share my office stuff or my feelings .. and i am not allowed to talk all this with anyone .. :drowning Please tell me what to do..? I tried to get a transfer to someother work location thinking my DH will come with me.. but he says he doesnt care whther i am there with him or not, he just needs to be with his mom.. What should i do..!!!:bowdown

    Edit:
    I love my DH .. i dont want to leave him at any rate.. i want this marriage to be a success.. I just want to make it less miserable for me!
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2009
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  2. ChillPill

    ChillPill Junior IL'ite

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    OMG we both are sailing on the same boat greatgugu...
    You have poured all tht has happened to be or in other words all tht is happening to you is a replica of whtever has happened to me... Inspite of all these I have a baby now and aft my baby shower I jus came back to my mom's place and I haven't gone back til date and its been a yr now...he has not taken any initiative to take me back as per his parents instruction.
    For more details abt whts happened u can go thru my posts with the topic : MAMMA'S BOY...SHOULD I GO OR NOT?
    so lets see greatgugu wht ladies has to tell us...
     
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    GG nd CP.... this is a default behaviour that most of Indian homes have to go thru... where the DIL is treated like a doormat (I'm one & I tell that am a doormat since am working and managed enuff to stay in a different city..but wud have been a loo doormat had I lived with them with no job)... Most of the families are having Single son these days & hence surmounting insecurity & need to downtread the gal.

    There are 3 ways to get over with it that I realised in my 6+ yr of struggle:
    1) Walk out of the marriage.. search for someone else & come to know abu some more new issues with the new family.
    2) Continue living with this setup with your expectations coming down to a new low & keep making place for urself when they throw u down.
    3) Never ever compare with the lot where the DILs are having a nice time.. it'll bring more misery.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2009
  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear GG

    Please dont loose heart, this problem is seen in 80% of our Indian homes, but sure this will come down and your life wil be less miserable in years to come.

    Now after 14 years of marriage this problem is come down by 60% I can say, though his parents are still GOD to him, now he has included me in some major decisions and plannings, he asks my opinion and the best part he takes me and my DD outings without their permission.

    But all this did;nt happen very fast, it took many many years for him to realize that I am a human and I also have feelings.

    So have patience, your DH to will change
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I can tell you what I would do, but my full disclaimer is that it's immature and silly. But, sometimes I handle things immaturely and silly-type because sometimes there doesn't seem a more 'serious' way to do it....

    For example, if my dh were doing what your dh does, I would cease all conversation with him. If he asked what happened at work, I would say calmly and regretfully "I can't tell you". When he asks why? Say because you "don't want him relaying all of your private talks to his mom".

    When you are walking around bedroom, dress fully covered. If ever he tries to get too close, you might say "Nooooo." When he asks why? I would say "No, I'm shy. I'm scared you will tell your mom even what my underware looks like."

    If he wants to take his gossiping so much to the extreme that you are made uncomfortable, then you might try taking your privacy so much to the extreme that he has nothing else to gossip about you to his mom.

    Ask him how he THINKS that makes you feel hearing that. If he is too senseless to know that it makes you feel bad when he says stuff like that, TELL HIM.

    Also, ask your dh how he would feel if his DAD loved his own parents more than he loved MOM. Ask him if parents are the end all to be all in life, and they are 'all he needs'... then why did he get married in the first place?
     
  6. sirila29

    sirila29 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Its strange but im sailing in the same boat too.
    My husband is also like that.i have tried to talk to him, tell him my feelings hoped he would understand but no. then i started to fight back and answer him thinking that might bring in a change but it is just increasing the distance between us. either they really dont care our feelings or they are like that only i cant understand. nowadays im sooo confused.
    i personally think there is difference in the way we think and men think. after marriage we tend to think more about DH but he always seems to have the lowest priority for us.
    I did try some of the things that IL have suggested to me before and still in the process of trials. hope he will get to understand and good luck to you ladies out there sailing in the same boat.
     
  7. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    that was really funny:biglaugh:biglaugh:biglaugh:biglaugh:biglaugh:biglaugh
    ASG i really like your repllies
     
  8. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi greatgugu,

    I can very well understand what you are going through.Most of us women go through this at some point in our married life. I too have been through a similar situation. I had even posted it here,a couple of weeks back.

    ASG,has given good suggestions. Try to ignore him too. But,do not be rude. Just be tactful and diplomatic.LEt him realise that you love him a lot and you will not take any nonsense.
    I would like to add a few things. What I would say is have patience. I know this hurts ,but, running away from the problem is no solution either. So,just listen calmly when he tells you next time about future plans etc.Just don't react and whenever he is in a good mood and you get a chance then tell him you dont like the fact that he is not involving you.
    how long have you both been married? Sometimes,it takes a couple of years too.I am not proving the point that you need to bow down. I am just saying be normal and at the same time stand up for what you do not like.
    hope that helped and i'm sure you wil get better advice from other IL's.
     
  9. subgay

    subgay New IL'ite

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    Hi,..dont get tensed this is threre with all husbands..i am married for 23 yrs..i have a daughter who is 22 yrs..but now also my husband does waht his mum tells..thy dont stay with us but u see he obeys what she tells him..it is better to accept it this way.. We cannot change them..else thre will be no peace in th household..take my advice...sub
     
  10. magicstick

    magicstick Junior IL'ite

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    changing mumma's boy......:bonk

    well, really tuff.... have hands full of exp. in it.... :) not only tuff... can say impossible. u see u can bring horse to water but cannot force him to drink it... same is the case with husbands, u can get closer to him but cannot force him to leave his mom or give u equal imp. w.r.t mom....
    so, clean piece of suggession wud be u just be bothered about your area and needs i.e. make him realise that u respect his parents like your own and do not expect any thing in return from them or him but it is just like that u both also share the most imp. relationship and he should give equal time, importance and weightage to it. Stop comparing yourself with ILs - directly or in-directly. I know its quiet a challange but still.... if u need to stay happy and peacefully then u must hv to. we also need to understand that our hubby have spent good 25-30 years with them when we were not in their life.....now, when we have become a part of them and their family, obviously, it will tk time to come at par. Give some time and space. But keep putting in your efforts to make him understand and realise that your relation needs time, attention, love, care and understanding (without nagging)!!
    After all it is u who will be his companion when he will be having no teeth in mouth.... :cheers
     

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