How to build confidence after abuse?

Neha

What Peper has said above is absolutely true; however, there is a dimension to victims of repeated abuse (that is, abuse by many people in the victim's life) that may be relevant to this discussion.

When your mother brought you up with abuse as a part of your childhood, it could very well have affected your mental and emotional make-up in certain ways. For example (this particular dynamic may not apply to you, but I'm using it for illustrative purposes), a victim of abuse may be so convinced that they are worthless, that they seek out life partners or other significant people who will be a part of their lives that repeat and reinforce the pattern of dominance and abuse established by the first abuser.

There's a chance you didn't end up with an abusive partner by accident; perhaps your husband recognised in you, right at the start, as someone he could control, victimise, and manipulate. I must emphasise, again, that this is in no way your fault. Your lack of confidence and sense of self-worth, caused by your mother's heinous treatment of you, might have made you more vulnerable to the attentions of other predators whose social skills consist mainly of bullying and brutalizing.

This is one of the reasons it is so important for you to break this cycle. As Peper has said, it is not enough to work on yourself or boost your self-confidence (although these are important steps too); you have to stop the abuse, or get away from your abuser. I don't think you are silly at all to "complain after 10 years of marriage" - firstly, you are not complaining in wanting to improve your life, and secondly, wanting to live a life free of abuse is not silly, but sensible, and a basic human right.

Please do take the advice of the other members here and contact a women's rights organisation. They are best qualified to help you deal with your problem, and get your life on track. There is only so much help advice on an online forum can provide for you, no matter how good that advice is.

I understand that you have invested a lot in your decade of married life, and that making a change now can be a scary prospect. Some women in abusive relationships would rather live with abuse than take that scary step of initiating change. However, you owe it to yourself (and your children, if you have any) to live your fullest life, without fear of abuse and intimidation.

I sincerely hope you find a way out of your situation, and that you get what YOU want out of life. My best wishes are with you

 

Dear Neha,
Sorry I did not notice that you were in US. Call these nos and you can be anonymous in the beginning. They help with getting you a job ,house everything.

No one has the right to do this to you.Its not your fault. Only Cowards hit people who have less physical strength than themselves.

US - Virginia

• Asian/Pacific Islander Domestic Violence Resource Project works with all Asian women, including South Asian, in the DC area. They provide peer support, community education, victim advocacy and referrals for shelter, legal and counseling services. Ph: 202-464-4477
• Asha: 301-369-0134 / 888-417-2742
• Samhati (301) 229-6597

 

hey sita your story was very nice dear

 

:thankyou2: Gooseberry & jannuyugis

Its amazing how sometimes a simple story can motivate and strengthen a person.:cheers

 

I am doing it day in and day out. When i came to this forum I was a mere weakling. I learnt here that I was made to "assume" I am weak on purpose. I was made to believe I am zero value and deserve what I get--be it punches,blows,kicks.

I was beaten also numerous times, threatened, strangled but I am trying to change all that. Just like someone said, I have told my friends my situation, made medical reports showing the bruises and called womans shelter and given my valid name and number to have a record, taken photos and sent it to friends and told them that if i have a cut to blame him.

He has been kept in the loop on all the abusive photos shown to my friends and knows I am not kidding. The very last decision I have available is 911. I know his career will be blotched and he will have a police record for domestic abuse. Havent done that yet because we are a one income family and cannot afford to let that only income go.

But I am a mother, so it is up to me to protect my life. This is what I do:

At an indication of a fight, I try to drive away and go to parks, library, museums or even grocery shopping.

If the ass hides the keys, I lock myself and my son in a room till the monster calms down and then I insult him in such a way that he wouldnt be able to meet eye to eye.

Turn on music full volume till my roof flies off.

Try not to talk back or argue when he is about to get physical.

Lastly, I keep my mobile in my pocket always. I record him or put my friends on speaker phone so the swine knows there is a record of his abuse.


About confidence, have you checked volunteering oppurtunities. I even help pre-schools in gardening to get away from this dog at home. Check local ads and apply. See newspapers or even try to babysit at a school. Take classes at a college and work on your forwarding your career. Getting out might help you destress.

In this environment, I always thought there is nothing to do and my life is this way and I was destined for this torture. I would also like you, try to analyse if what I am doing is instigating him but then i realized its all mind games. There are many people out there who would like you and want to network with you and make your life better. Why are you wasting your time with this moron at home?

 

Hi Neha,

I just read your story and thought of sharing how I feel about it.....Take it from me. I had an extremely abusive father......You can read my earlier posts. My childhood (until I was 13 years old) was hell.

I was an extremely bright little girl and once I was working on a science project and my father called me for dinner. He called me twice and I think I didn't listen. He came running and tore the whole big sheet of paper I had worked on for 8 hours. I stood there with tears in my eyes. Yes, he was my dad.....A father who is supposed to encourage and care for his daughter......I went and had dinner and sat down the whole night and finished it somehow. With two hours of sleep, I went for the state level competition and got the first prize and participated in the national level. My dad didn't say a single word, not even "good job". I realized he was useless. Wow...I hate that man, how much I hate him!!

It has left deep scars in my heart. I still cry, I still carry those memories in my head.....We can't erase them, lets accept it.

I know it is NOT easy...but I hope you will try to understand as I have been through that.

But what is the use now, Neha? Past is past. We are not going to get anything if we keep thinking about it. Get over it. It was like a bad dream and it is OVER now.

Neha, there is nice bengali song "jodi tor dak sune keu na ase, akla chalo re". I hear it often and I love it. It means if you know what you are doing is RIGHT and there is nobody with you, don't worry, walk alone.

Be your best friend, Neha. Love yourself first. You mean the most to yourself. Take care of yourself. Work for yourself.

If your husband abuses, Neha, please leave him. You should never ever live with a person who abuses you mentally and physically, NEVER.

Do yourself a favor, please take care of yourself. I know there will be uncertainties and fear, but you will have your peace of mind. One more thing, abusers seldom change.

Here are things you can do and plan a beautiful future:

Dreams (Start dreaming again, Neha...dreams that relate to you and ONLY you)

Plan (Make some plans to convert these dreams into realities)

Stay Positive (Be positive, talk to yourself and tell yourself that come what may, you will come out of this sad phase of your life....Say this to yourself 100 times in a day).

Don't be idle (Don't be idle even for 10 mins in day). Do something or the other. Watch movies....If you want I can send you a long list of hilarious movies...Do anything you want. You can offer to babysit some kids in your neighborhood....Kids are great stress relievers....

Groom yourself (Look good, be in the best figure and health. Pamper yourself......Buy some nice make up, lipsticks, nice dresses and be VERY VERY beautiful)

Meet people (Meet a lot of people and be open. Make sure you come across as an extremely confident girl, be assertive and an extremely pleasant person to be around)

Profession: If your visa permits, start working, Neha....it will do wonders and make sure you perform very well at work.

I wish you ALL THE VERY BEST!! Take care...

Luv,

--Bubai

 

Hi Sonika,

I have read some of your stories and you amaze me girl, you really do.....

Frankly speaking, your husband is a BIG TIME MORON. He has no idea what he is doing to his own life.

Do you really think this marriage is worth trying? Please don't tell me that you are in this marriage for your child......

--Bubai

 

Very good story Sita. It is a confidence booster. I too build low self-esteem and think low about me sometimes and sometimes I am also not confident. Thanks for the great story.
It's all about how we take thigs and react towards them.

The one with great courage succeeds. The other succumbs to situations because he/she is weak-minded.

Neha,

U only need to be confident and give deaf ears to ur MIL if u had to stay with her. Make her understand that she cant keep on scolding u for all things that she has already done.
Tell her that u managed ur son and husband while in Sydney alone doing all the house-hold work. And here that she doesnt allow u to do.
My MIL also used to be like urs. She used to do all the work and tell me that I am not doing anything. She wants everything to be done her way and perfect for my FIL and so doesnt allow others to cook, yet she blames.

After many days of patient-hearing, one day I shouted back and asked if she allows me to do in the first place.
Though she couldnt answer me directly, she just kept telling something else.

Talk back at her a few times and make her understand that u cant take it anymore.

 

Sonika, you're taking the right approach now... loads of hugs to you, no one deserves to be verbally and physically abused.. still many have to suffer it even in a pious institution of marriage.

Be strong & find ways for a happier life am sure someone will bring happiness to your life :thumbsup.