How to bring about a positive change in my dh?

kenny · Mar 1, 2011

Hi Ladies...
Im back again...
No recent episode as such....but its just that im always v upset behind myback...thoughts keep running....As u know my dear husb is a proper MOMMA'S BOY and his momma has made my life hell(for info of those who will go through my post for the 1st time)...She is a highly overpossessive lady...v clingy...and never leaves her son....and her son consults her for every thing...minor to major...
the problem what i face is that...he cant see anything wrong in her mom...and her darling mom whatever she says is 'patthar ki lakir'...:bonkhis mom is always right...if she says jeans will get spoilt if washed in a washing machine...he also says so...:drowning:rant
I am from a diff school of thought...i have always lived out to study after 12th and have been independent in my decesions...and have even lived out for my job...so know how to handle things on my own...Im a consultant and presently running my own consultancy...and am independant in financial aspect too...
now major concern is that though my husband has changed in this course of 3 years of my marriage...has become better...he does love me and is with me in all kind of probelms EXCEPT-
1.My family-he always finds faults in my family ...and that too also because of the brainwashing by his mom...(but he is at fault too-he has to apply his own brain)no matter how much i try to make a happy relationship with my parents and him...it always is in vain...and feel very sad about it...he is always finding faults in them...if they call him to their place-then also he has a problem...-he says they are doing a formality by asking him to come to them....and if they dont call (they always do)if by chance they dont ask my mil to come(y shud they)but they always do-he is annoyed and mkes a huge mountain out of a mole hill...and says they didnt even ask...so where should they go-which way:bonk
with every thing he has a problem...
how do i settle this mess...im just too fed up ...
now i dont even feel like taking him along...but obviously have to ask whether he wants to join me there-but to my surprise he pounced upon me saying u r doing a formaility with me...what the heck...???will a wife do a formaility with her husb???though this episode took place few weeks back...now things are perecftly normal...but we have not had a good
discussion over it...and every time we have a fight over me going to my family-he raises 10000 things regarding my family which he doesnt like-which are all crap...
Do u think in any way can i take this evil thinking out of his mind which his dear mom has instilled....???
2.His mom-He will follow his mom point blank...though i do everything possible ...all daily chores and every thing but sill his mom is very rude and sarcastic to me always...or will stop talking to me..always make a long face...i ignore that...but i dont have a habit of bitching about her...but she will all the time talk behind my back about me....and say all negative things....which i come to know...as a result dh doesnt see my good things...but only my bad side i feel...and will always take his mom's side...as if she is her God..since she is a widow when dh was around 20 so most of the time these 2 ppl have spent alone...so always shows she is such a vulnerable lady...
now i cant call my folks here-because of their attitude...and if i have to go...they always create a scene...leave alone mil...even my dh never bothers to ask about them...even about their health...which i hate...and he wants his mom to be well respected...:rant
i dont know how to sort this out...
i really feel very low about it...though we do go out meet his friends /roam about that time he is very good to me....but he is a totally different person on thses aspects...
can these things ever be sorted...do u think??or my life will go on this way...waiting for ur reply...thanx for bearing such a long post.:hide:

sitara1 · Mar 1, 2011

Why do you insist that your H should like your parents? Not everybody gets along with everybody, even within families. Sometimes its best to let people maintain their distance and be cordial with each other, rather than pushing them to like each other. My mom pushes me to like her sister, who I respect as an aunt.. but my mom's constant insisting that I should like that aunt almost makes me despise the aunt cos I am being pushed to like her.

About his mom, well... dealing with MILs is an ongoing battle.. no easy fix.

kenny · Mar 1, 2011

@sitara-its not that i insist that he should like them...but if not be good to them at least be normal...i actualy dont understand what he wants?if they dont speak to him /call him then he says ur parents are least bothered...they have just gotten rid of u after marrying u off...on the other hand if the call up..invite him to come-he says they just do a formaility...the problem is his outlook...which is all negative...if u will see a half glas of water...and says it is half empty...its is that theory....
and only thing is if he doesnt want to go fine...but why does he have to use all foul stuff for my family and me (which ofcourse his dear mom instills),if i am planning to visit my family alone........that im not a good dil and that my parents are alos not nice...making me mentally v depressed...and upset...and i dont think he wll understand me on these things...so cant even talk on thses lines...:bowdown

Gayathri Krishn · Mar 1, 2011

Hi,This is a classic case of my sister's own problem. He keeps finding fault with her(as far as her family is concerned-Why did your father say this(if he did'nt,then) why did'nt your father say this'?It goes on and on. Her MIL was dominating too. She is no more,but the good son carries the lineage.In the early years of her marriage,SIS was very upset. She loves our parents and felt very hurt when BIL said something. She would start crying.Now she has learnt her lesson. He takes a delight in hurting her sentiment,in watching her cry.So she does not cry. In fact she tells her later that she only feels like laughing at his immaturity. She has learnt to IGNORE HIS COMMENTS. Your saying so does not make it so.Try to do the same. Just ignore him. If you keep worrying about what he is saying it will tell on your health and that is not going to get you anywhere.You know your parents' worth. You don't need an outsider to judge your parents.BLOW HIS BAD WORDS AWAY LIKE DUST.GK

Spiderman1 · Mar 1, 2011

Kenny,
You need to understand a fundamental thing:

There is only one person in the world we can change. It is ourself.

No one can "change" another person. (Real) Change can only come from within a person.

sitara1 · Mar 1, 2011

Did you try to talk to him rationally, explaining what he is doing isn't right? What was his reaction?

Is it possible to ignore his comments.. I mean, if you don't respond or react to his comments, will he be ok or will that make him even more mad? If he is ok when you don't even bother to respond, may be you should try to ignore his comments.

sharadau · Mar 1, 2011

Dear friend you can not change a person. to a man mother and wife both are important and theirplaces are different. you love your mother-in law show some concern, man will expect his wife to love his mother too. By your good nature you can win.when you respect his family members slowly he will also show concern.

kenny · Mar 1, 2011

THANX ALL
@spiderman and gayatrikrishna-
how much can a person bear every time...this was not the response i was looking for...every time u cant ignore...it hurts deep within when ur own spouse is behaving so strangely...ofcourse i have stopped expecting from him regarding that end...but is that a solution...
and for ur info i never cry infront of him...neither cry infront of any1-but only when alone...
and if i ignore his comments he will be momentarily mad but thenn after 2-3 days bcum normal...in turn im not able to be normal and keep sulking...because of which i ahev started having high bp prob offlate...
@sharadu-iv tried to be good to his mom and infact still doing it....but therer are some individuals in this world like my mil who are very cunning and shrewd...they willl never be satisfied and inturn always fnds faults...leave aside me-she is not having good terms wth her own bro/sisters///keeps bitcing about them...she is that kinda lady...how much can one please her:drowning...i cant do more...excpet just ignoring her but deep within am always sulking:rant
@sitara-whenver i have tried speaking to him...we end up in a fight...he gets very hyper..and then i just tell him to mind his tongue by what al crap he is saying....or if not then he willl just point all negatives even in a thng which is most positive...
but there may be some way to make the sitaution better...im not a person who will give hope easily...please suggest ladies...need ur help...dont just tell me to ignore...it only makes matters worse...:bonk

justanothergirl · Mar 1, 2011

Hi Kenny
From ur post it looks like ur DH and MIL have decided to make ur life difficult by constantly criticizing about ur family. While ur DH and MIL are entitled to their opinions about parents and can choose not to like them ..in a marriage they need to learn to be atleast civil . What they are doing right now is nothing short of verbal abuse.They are not going to change that easily. I doubt that very much and u cannot wait forever for them to change and spoil ur peace of mind.
Here is what I would do..
Sit down with ur DH and list out the issues that will not be broached between the two of you.
1. Neither u nor ur DH will talk about each others family . Period. Tell him u have ur grievances about his family and he has about urs. Hence the deal. No one talks about either. Stick to this one point. U cannot get him to change his mind but u should get him to shut up.

2.Ask him point out once for all if he wants to come to ur parents house or not. If he comes then he needs to be civil. No yelling no shouting nothing.
If he thinks he cannot manage then he needs to stay home and not stop u from going there.

3.If he has any direct issues with u that he has noticed then he can say it ..he CANNOT come and tell u what his mom told and he has not witnessed personally.

4. U should be able to invite ur parents once in a while . If he cannot tolerate them he is welcome to go for a long walk or shut himself up in his room or hang out with his friends. But no drama if he is at home . It is not just his house its ur home too.

Now Kenny these are hard to negotiate. But u hv to if u need any peace of mind.
Stay calm. Dont shout .Dont get emotional. Absolutely no crying. Talk to him like u would talk at work.

Good luck my dear !

arty2010 · Mar 1, 2011

I can understand ur situation since I was in the same situation... the following approaches may help...
1. Never go to your husband and complain about your mil or any in-laws..He cannot and will not stand up for you..its a fact,, since ur mil is a widow ur husband will feel sympathy for her and ur mil will always remind him that there is nobody other than him as her support. even if it means she can bitch about and do things which are not appropriatete as a widow/mother. But then, you cant question all these, you will be seen as the bad person.
2. Think of yourself as being the more mature one and go about your life as if nothing happened.. very tough to do when people are constantly provoking you.
3. Tell your husband of how much efforts you are putting to get close to your mil inspite of her attitude.DO things for her.go out of your way and make some few sacrifices for pleasing her and (ultimately ur husband) If he really loves you, he will see your actions/goodwill you will not even have to tell him. but still, dont complain abt her attitude, atleast not to him.
4. There will always be people who like and thrive on generating mistrust among people.. feel sad/pathetic for such people since they dont know what true love is..you are not like that and be happy that you ateast realise that.
5. Forget bringing him close to your parents(atleast for now).. they are your parents.. you will always love them and nobody can take it away from you. if he does not want to mingle, dont force him... consider it to be his loss...

Once you do all this, he will come around to support and respect you since you are giving him the peace and calm which he does not get from his mom.. assuming she will still be bitching about you(since its her trait).. let him see thru his own eyes how devious/wrong his mom is...by you complaining, he will only get defensive... when his mom sees that her son has started respecting his wife she will try to bitch more and then finally give up because her son does not second her...i hope this helps..its worked for me..maybe ultimately your mil will also come around and start liking you since she does not have a choice...one more things you have to remember is that, your husband and you can be different individuals..both of you dont have to agree on evrything under ths sun.. agree to disagree on certain things but in a civil way not by arguing..life will be bit easier that way.