How to break off a friendship?

smilingalways · Feb 15, 2014

First off I am a very reserved person. If I am friends with someone i will do my best to keep them happy. I am currently a med student. When I first joined the university me and a girl, lets call her A who was coincidentally from my same community became friends. Later on she found friends also from the same community which was small gang in school. I dislike one of the girls (B) from the gang. I know she doesnt like me as well. There is always a friction going on between us. Moreover I feel we should mingle with everyone and not be a fish in the pond. A found them to be more fun and started hanging out with them. I had no problem with this. But she felt guilty at times and came and talked to me just to assure me that she was still my friend. I felt this behaviour was childish but didnt say anything as I didnt want to hurt anyone. In this process there were many instances where I got hurt. 3 days back it was B's birthday. They wanted to surprise her, so asked me if they could bake the cake at my place. I said ok.. A and another friend came over. Before that me and A went to the store and bought the items needed for the cake. Ps i also contributed to paying for it, not that I am complaining. A was insistent on making the cake. I made them a 3 course dinner (which is not easy being in a med school). The cake was from instant mix, so there was nothing much i could do, expect provide the dishes. Since they were insistent on making the cake I didnt want to intrude. So after all the cooking minus cake and doing all the dishes we took the cake to B's place at around 12. The gang was there and asked who made the cake... obviously A said she and the other girl made the cake. Then they asked what was I doing.... the answer was watching a movie After all that i did... trying to be a perfect host, thats the credit i get. Just tell half the truth. I would never have embarrassed any of my friends like that. Moreover according to her I was her thokaa (tail) . This was the tipping point for me. I am no one's tail. Ever since this semester started in Jan i have been trying to keep my distance from her/them. I dont fit in their group and I cant do anything about it. I want to stop getting hurt. I just want to tell her I cant be her friend anymore and i dont need her favour of being my so called friend. Am i doing the right thing?

troubledmom · Feb 15, 2014

who made the tail comment? A or B?

Nadyne · Feb 15, 2014

I just came back from Hallmark store. A beautiful frame with this quote ''friends are angels following you through life'' caught my eyes. It's true friendship is a blessing.....a friend loves you, accepts you the way you are, doesn't use you or manipulates you in anyway.... but, unfortunately, it could also be a curse and when is, just don't let it hurt you and damage you beyond repair. My advise, you are in med school, you don't need this kind of distraction .....Just let go of her.. The way to do it? Just do it and move on

smilingalways · Feb 15, 2014

Thank you guys. A made the comment btw. I know I shouldnt be thinking too much. I have an exam coming up on Monday and this trivial topic is killing me.

ananyakiran · Feb 15, 2014

Ignore this friend for a while , go hang out with other friends, in case she approaches you and ask the reason for avoiding her , tell her that u don't like the way she treats u , u really want to be her friend but she needs to treat u the same way u treat her.
cheer up girl

anmolhai · Feb 15, 2014

You are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from these people. In any relationship a major factor is RESPECT and if that goes missing there is nothing else left.

Move on girl there are some wonderful people put there.

1Sandhya · Feb 15, 2014

A is not your friend. She is the kind that uses people. When no one else is there she will 'remember' you, if she needs some help then she will talk nicely. After her work is done she will behave like this. Such ppl r very irritating. One option is to remain friends but on your terms. which means that if she makes stupid comments ask 'what do you mean' in an angry voice. And correct her clearly then and there. You dont need any certificates from such people. Speak up for yourself so she understand that you wont tolerate any of her nonsense. Draw boundaries clearly and dont let her in farther than that. Dont be too nice either like paying for supplies for a girl you dont even like, I mean.

Another option is to find other friends more to your liking. And gradually drift away or be too busy to be there for her whenever she 'remembers' you. Dont actually tell her you dont want to be friends with her anymore in as many words. You never know how that will be 'spun' by her to the others. Just smile, be cordial but firmly express regret that you are simply too busy to accomodate whatever she wants you to do for her. Too busy you know. Med school yaar and so on... Good Luck!

vibha_81 · Feb 15, 2014

I don't understand...clear one doubt for me please? Is your friend an animal say monkey that needs a thoka? Its clear she believes herself to be one...sure you could retort to all their childish remarks but i believe you have taken a very mature step of distancing yourself....

People you meet in undergrad/grad school are mostly there to score maximum marks at the cost of everything else and that is the absolute truth...out of two dozen "friends" in undergrad i only consider two of them to be my best friends..I had an instant connection with them and want to carry them forward till my old age...Do not do favours unless you have time and no regrets and no expectancy. You will have plenty of time later on to make as many friends as possible. PS: guys(who are not trying to hit on you or generally studious/papam types) make very loyal and good friends. Look for a group with a mix (or a gals group from diff community) and settle in if you want to make friends for notes/help with your subjects etc...

how to let go of A? slowly phase her out. She will get the idea if you are not available when she comes looking for you. I am not sure about antagonizing her because these things look like big issues in school and you may have unnecessary friction spoiling your concentration. Smile and tell her that you have some work to do etc.

btw, All the best for the exam, crack it!!! Forget this issue and the thread..

smilingalways · Feb 15, 2014

Thanks guys. I will put all your suggestions into practice. I will slowly let go of her and if she really irks me i will it to her face. anyways till monday i dont have time to think about this. thank you. i was really depressed because of all this.

GeorgeR · Feb 16, 2014

First stop being so reserved. This doesn't work all the way. Try to face the situation Smartly.Let me tell you an instance of being smart from your case. You helped A in making cake that's good but you need not go to B's bday. You can avoid this by some excuse.

Secondly in every group of friends, there will be some one who is taken for granted. This doesn't mean they are not giving proper respect. This is how a group works. But this is not accepted among some lady friends. So I think u need to work smartly with everyone and try not to get depressed for such incidents. Keep smiling