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How stubborn can we be with our kids?

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by Jaishree123, Oct 17, 2007.

  1. Jaishree123

    Jaishree123 Senior IL'ite

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    :confused:Hi all
    my kid is 2 years old and sometimes he acts very stubborn and doesnt stop crying until he gets wat he wants.
    my husband always supports him and doesnt want him to cry bcos his resistance power is less and he gets fever very easily. that is making him more stubborn day by day.
    yest night before sleeping he wanted me to take him in my lap and put him to sleep and I wanted him to sleep beside me as I was very tired from work and wanted to lie down and could not sit down bcos of menstrual pain, back pain etc. and he cried continuously for 20min just for that reason and i was very stubborn and dint take him but finally I thought if I try to be stubborn with him llike this he may learn the same from me and he will turn more stubborn.At last I had to give up and take him in my lap.

    otherwise in other matters I m very stubborn. but I wonder if I can show the same stubborn ness with my son.
    pls suggest me if its okay to be stubborn with kids?

    Regards
    Jaishree
     
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  2. spandhana

    spandhana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Jaishree,
    Its Of No Wonder! This Generation Kids R Like That.frankly,it Makes Sense That Ur 2 Year Old Kid Is Behaving Like That Compared To My 10 Months Old Infant.isn't It?

    Coming To U, U First Listen(understand) Ur Kid And Then Make Him Understand Watz Good And Bad?.instead Of We Being Stubborn And Making Mess Of The Situation, U Talk Softly(draws Attention To Listen To U).explain Him Wats Good And Bad In That Using Various Techniques, If Any Thing Works Out, U Just Give Him A Pat ? Like Complimenting Him As A Good Boy , A Kiss, Making A Dish Which He Likes ,....


    U Can Also Check For Some Parenting Tips In Websites

    Cheers,
    Best Wishes
     
  3. malarvp

    malarvp New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I think you shouldn't have given up. But that doesn't mean that you should leave your boy crying. First decide to yourself whether to agree with u'r son or not. If u feel you should not agree then you should stick to that. But initially if you disagree and then on seeing him crying if u change your mind, then the kids easily stick on to crying for whatever they want. they just learn that if they cry more they'll get whatever they want. this is what the doctors say. may be in the initial it'll be difficult for you to see him cry for long, but eventually he'll get to know that nothing will happen if he cries. Explain him that why you will not do what he wants. If he still cries try distracting him with something else. In this case you could have asked your husband to make him sleep on his lap. And on a daily basis explain him that if you say NO it is NO. Eventually he'll understand.

    All the best.

    Malar

     
  4. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Oh I am happy, I have company. My two year old son is so terrible. I just cant control him. People say it is terrible twos. I didnot have any problem with my daughter but with him OMG pls save me. I just cant do anything. If he wants it he really wants it he really makes a big fuss, but I try to be stubborn to the maximum extent though at times I have to pay heed to him too.

    What I have learnt it the hard way is just divert into something else of if you want your boy him to come to your way bribe him with something like a story or a song. You could just make him come out of his whims and cries and listen ot what you want him to do. Dont worry, once he starts his pre-school or school he will understand.
     
  5. Anandchitra

    Anandchitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Just divert the attention ladies. Also spend more time with children. when women work outside the home full time these things are normal. jst my 2 cents.
     
  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Jaishree,

    Maybe you go overboard and pamper him on your good days to keep up with the time you are missing working out of home.. (my view)...just be balanced and be firm with your child...as others said divert his attention....
     
  7. balamotwani

    balamotwani Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Jaishree,

    Even my daughter who is 3 yrs now is same like yours. From when she was small when she cant even speak and talk, she knows our timings, i was working in botswana and if i dont come by 1.15pm for lunch and not come back evening at 5.35pm, she will start crying for me. It is like bilogical clock for her that is set in mind. And my hubby always says that i should spend time with her in the evening an he will do all household chores. Somtimes when i get stressed up due to some reason after office then i will get real angry with her and we fight and she cries. Always there are days like those, so dont worry. Nowadays kids are born adamant, stubborn. They want what they want and i dont know how they get energy to cry, but they wont stop until their wants are fulfilled.

    Buy some small small toys or gifts attractive to a 2 yr old kid and give him whenever you feel that you cant be with him. Distract and keep him happy so that you are free and happy. When i have to cook after returning from office and when she really adamant that i have to be with her, i used to give her one of the draws (small drawers in the dressing table, kitchen), she is happy to see so many things like clips, bindis, nail polish bottle, color bands, etc etc.. som junk like keys, papers, etc. See to that there is nothing that will hurt the kid and make sure you dont have anything important in those. You can also give kitchen draws they will be happy with spoons and other items. Try it today, may be it will work.

    Bala
     
  8. Malathi1

    Malathi1 New IL'ite

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    Since you are a working woman, you need to be rejuvenated when you get home to face the little bit of family time you have (it can be especially hard on special days in a month or during stressful office or home events).

    1. Join a health-club [basic option to mitigate cost] Sign up for an earlier shift like 7AM-3:30 PM at work, and go to your health club directly from work and do some aerobic exercise (keeping it lighter on period-days) for even just half an hour, shower, dress afresh, and sit over a cup or glass of whatever you enjoy slowly sipping it for 15 minutes. This will give you a bit of downtime before going on to your second duty of household management and a bout of added energy and refresh you for the next couple of hours.

    2. When you get home, your young toddler will naturally clamor for your attention and become clingy and crying or throwing a tantrum is what comes naturally at this age (Two is when they start testing their boundaries and you are the person who can show him and your husband where it lies with you, the very first time, firmly, gently and stick to it no matter what). This is important for achieving a smooth functioning family when both the spouses are careerists and it means here for this situation, that you take your two year old son on your lap [now refreshed a bit better than in your example] and while hugging him truly lovingly (no matter how difficult while facing a demanding, screaming child), and telling him, these simple words conveying your message:
    Darling, mommy and daddy LOVE you. We all need to get to bed soon, so that we won't be tired tomorrow morning. I've missed you also. So, here is the deal. I will hold you for half an hour but not any longer, so mommy and you can have our 'special time' together (he has no idea what half an hour is-but that doesn't matter)Set a soft tinkle alarm (you can just tinkle a suspended dish with a spoon lightly) or ring a soft bell supposed to go off at the end of the 'half an hour,' which in truth never needs to arrive. Make it an unintrusive noise when you introduce it to him and tell him your together time must come to an end when that tinkle is heard He will get that message that there is an ending time for your holding him but very quickly also tell him that if he doesn't want to hear it, he could go to sleep now so that it doesn't have to hear it end(and he will believe this means the 'together time' won't end). This will make sense even to him. He will find a way of sleeping within that time and to make the pot sweeter, you can offer to sing (or play a song or whatever his favorite activity is-listening to a story from a recorded story book, offer whatever he favors as part of the deal here). [It is these little tricks/deals that buy mother's and father's time off to attend to their own needs.] Then tell him, "Tomorrow, daddy will do the same with you because we want to spend our own 'special times' with you." Say this in the presence of your hubby because there is a message in there for him too.
    3. Then unfalteringly, start doing what you said to them you will do: in action, not in repeated words. If possible, with a smile in your face and friendliness in your heart because you know you are taking charge and setting limits to bad behavior/precedence. Naturally, since he and your husband are testing your boundaries, or simply because this is a new you, chances are they will stretch beyond the said half hour. This is where you need to be firm while not loosing your cool [This is not being stubborn but this is being firm in what must be done to achieve a common good goal]. If all goes well, good, you have instituted a bed-time tradition at your home. If at the end of the half hour, there is much screaming, objections, insistence on clinging to you, and thoughtless support from your husband to your unruly son, say 'good-night' to both of them, take yourself to another room, wear ear-plugs and take a sleeping pill and go to sleep. This is the MOST important and difficult step but this is the one that will tell your family what must be done together clearly. Everyone in your household can understand that you have your contributions that you make and need replenishments to make the same and that you need their cooperation to be able to make them, so train them in it.

    4. It helps to have a bedtime routine:
    Eating dinner together, clearing the table together and doing the dishes together, plopping the toddler in the tub for a warm bath with bath toys and reading stories, or playing some childhood records to soothe him into sleep, giving a drink of warm milk or ovaltine, all will help. Make sure whatever day-time arrangement you have for him e.g. babysitter does not make him sleep throughout the afternoon, especially late afternoon.(He must sleep a couple of hours every afternoon till he is at leat 3and a half or so). Call around three P.M. during the day, and make your child care person take the child out for a walk and play to tire him out some. Make sure he has other kids his age to paly with also. At the very least make sure your alternate care is not simply plopping him in front of a TV for long periods of time.

    5. When you have a pleasant moment with your husband, be sure to THANK him for letting you build discipline into your lives-he will feel encouraged to stand by you. Reiterate to him how much it helps you when you are able to have his support in setting household guidelines. Positive reinforcements work the best. At least that is the only way to elicit any cooperation from others!

    I hope these tips help you.
    God Bless and happy careering!
    Malathi
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2008
    sunitad likes this.
  9. Nielahariharan

    Nielahariharan New IL'ite

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    Dear Jaishree,

    I totally empathise with you, since my son was just like this with his father's complete support. I would like to share with you how I solved this problem. First you and your husband have to discuss the issue and realise that you have to have the same method of discipling the child. Your husband has to be made to realise that his support is only making your child more stubborn. If your husband refuses to listen, then you'll have to rope in the help of some family member with whom your husband is very close to , like a sister-in law or father-in law, the older the better. Luckily for me, my sister-in law intervened and made him realise his mistake. Once your child knows he has lost his father's support, watch out for those dramatic behaviour changes. All the Best!!!
     
  10. teju

    teju Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Malathi,
    This is THE best suggestion I have ever come across!! You are great!!!!
    There is a message for the mother, a message for the father and a message for the kid too!! Hats off to you!!
    I truly enjoyed reading your advice and I believe in what you said and will try my best to follow it.
    Thanks a lot, on behalf of all the mothers!
     

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