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How Much Is Too Much

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Stressfull, May 16, 2021.

  1. Stressfull

    Stressfull Silver IL'ite

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    Dear lites,

    I’m not regular here after a long time I’m posting. Coming to the point how much is too much in married life.

    We are married for 15 years and had two children 12 year old and 4 year old. I had my own shares of ups and downs and in-laws battle another long story.

    To cut short I had accepted many things which I cannot change. But deep down there was a resentment in my heart because of disturbances in first four years of married life. It was a lot of mental agony I cannot tell in this thread.

    so my husband job nature is most of the time he will be in abroad(FYI we r not living in India). So i will be managing home front most of the times. When he is at home he will help me managing kids and elder one studies. And he is a good guy and a great Father. And whatever I ask him he will buy to help with work(eg: home appliances).

    Now coming to the problem he will be good and lovey dovey until I was happy and stress free. The small difference in change of my voice or my irritation will trigger him. I may be having mood swings or depression I don’t know. If I start crying( sometimes I will cry for some silly reasons according to him). I don’t know for what it will trigger he starts scolding me instead of lending helping hand or consoling me.

    For past 15 years it has become routine currently he was in another country from two months and it will take another 1month to reach home with quarantine rules and all I’m managing in the country I’m living. I’m not working.

    For past 15days the pandemic situation in our country becoming alarming so government announced mini lockdown so home based learning starting for my kids. They are going to school. So I got tensed because 24/7 I need to manage them alone and I have my own reasons to freak out.

    so I don’t know while talking with my dh I started crying he asked me what happened so I told my concerns and nightmares regarding kids. He said don’t worry everything will be ok and anyways I’m coming in a month after coming I will take care. I was sobbing listening to him and said you are always like this you never thought about this in pandemic situation you went abroad now I’m facing consequences.

    He immediately got triggered and started shouting you always like this crying for silly reasons and cut the call. I can never voice out anything I know the result will be this but I was not able to control. He never consoles me for most of the time just brush it off saying you always a cry baby how much I do you will never get satisfied.

    He was a better companion for me but there was no emotional companion for me. Is it too much to ask or expect some emotional bonding. How much is too much in a relationship.

    sorry for long rant at least I’m free now after vent. Can get any suggestion on how not look for an emotional companion in him.
     
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  2. Stressfull

    Stressfull Silver IL'ite

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    Can anyone pls reply it gives me some satisfaction some one is there to listen to me. Thanks
     
  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    You must remember that he is also caught up in circumstances beyond his control. And crying on the phone for problems he couldn't solve is fine when it is not frequently done; if he perceives it is done frequently, it only goes to point out how powerless he is to help you out. Nothing achieved to solve your problem: Not having another parental body at home to take care of things.
    Learn more about how to be a single parent. There are thousands, if not millions of such people -- mostly women.

    You must also take suitable precautions to avoid infection. As you did not say which country you are in, and whether or not you are vaccinated, here is some generics: GET VACCINATED as soon as some vaccine is approved in your country. Social isolation, hand washing, general hygiene are all good things. When you take your kids to the playground, teach them not to engage in play that involves touching others' children. Just be careful when you go out.

    Added later: I saw the post of ProundIndian and found something that a spouse of an absentee husband can feel good about:
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2021
  4. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    sorry for what you are going through alone. I am also married for long time and no emotional or any support from husband at all. I am full time working mom of two demanding kids plus demanding job. My husband is working from home but no help at all with kids or housework. I know many of my friends have same problems. Your crying or venting is normal. Please try to focus on your health now. I know you have 4 year old which must be very hectic but try to take any help from cleaner or babysitting or anything. Try to hire cleaning lady. Take help from your 12 year old also. Keep saying this shall pass. COVID has disturbed everybody’s life. There are many people in worst condition. You might have harmons problems so work on that. Learn to meditate regularly. Try evernight to meditate before sleeping. Eat healthy food not processed that improves moods and energy. Take care
     
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Op, you sound like me sometimes. You might have a little anxiety that might be the underlying problem of all the problems. Try to tell him what you need after the crying. Once up on a time on one of my posts, @Rihana pointed out to me that some times things need to be spelled out for men. This is true is my husband’s case. He doesn’t get offended instead likes it if I tell him what to do. Because he will not do anything unless it is listed out, and it works for me. Now I make a list for him to do as his responsibilities. I cry when I argue with him, but after that I calm down and tell him what exactly I meant. I used to leave the conversation after I cry. But now I pick up and finish it. Come up with a plan on how to manage kids until he is home. Since you don’t work and he will work, you will have to manage the kids of the schools don’t open. There are a lot of online resources that might be useful. Some days it might feel overwhelmed. Times are such that anything and everything is stressful now. It will all be good. Just hang in there.
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Can you record your talk and listen to it. You will realise the issue here. Some times, we dont realise how irritating we are. I did it my self to improve my way of talking when I was confused for similar reasons. Our tone, the words we chose, its texture every things can have impacts

    First and most important, when you are talking over phone never talk in a negative way. It will be amplified in multiple times as the other person can't see whats happening over there

    "He said don’t worry everything will be ok and anyways I’m coming in a month after coming I will take care. I was sobbing listening to him and said you are always like this you never thought about this in pandemic situation youwent abroad now I’m facing consequences."

    Sorry, I cant tolerate crying for all reasons. He assured you that he will help. He is a great husband in that way ( read this forum for bad experience ). You too agree. Even I would have been irritated by unnecessary crying.
    No body likes a crying and nagging person. Its difficult to tolerate them.
    If you need to cry, do it in your own space. May be thats your way of venting, but it wont help your relationship all the time. You are an adult. So people expect, including husband, certain way. This expectation is the problem. You both have expectations. Crying may help sometimes , but it wont solve problems all the time. Anger, resentment, sadness etc are natural. But dont allow it to overtake our life. Its not not easy.

    Second blaming. Most people can't handle criticism or blaming...he is there for his job not for vaccasion. What did you acheive by this blame game. So think before you talk. Start sentence with 'I ' instead of 'you'

    What you can do?
    Observe yourself.
    Talk to the point. Give clear idea in a few words or sentence. No emotional breakdown over phone. As he is willing to help you, appreciate that.
    Express your concerns in nicer way when you are with him. Stop crying like a baby. Many people consider crying for every thing a childish behavior.

    When we talk in anger mode or cry, people see only that, they dont get the message.

    I know its tough during pandemic , try to plan and excecute. You will be able to manage. It wont be easy but you can. You are smarter than you imagined .

    Do you know what you are doing? You are giving so much power to him over your life. Giving the message that you cant survive without him. He will utalise that for sure.

    Take control of your life to your hands. Give the message that you are fine without him. You can be happy without him.
    If you dont do, whatever happened in the past repeats.
    Like others pointed out most men need clear instructions. But give it in neutral tone.
    All emotions should be used only when its needed. Otherwise he dont understand or respect it.
    We expect others to read our mind and understand our feelings. But it wont happen all the time. So we have to express our thoughts to the person at the right moment in the right tone. Calm and composed way wins the discussion than emotional breakdown.

    Slowly introspect yourself and get rid of negative resentments. In the process if you want to cry thats ok. If one can't understand that there is no point in showing it to others. Focus on your blessings and try to be happy and content with whatever you have. Rightnow every one is going through a bad phase due to pandemic. There are good days and bad days in every ones life. Just consider it as a bad dream. It will also pass. You can control only yourself, not others. You are responsible for your response.

    So cheer up girl and start smiling.
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2021
    SCA, Anusha2917, Viswamitra and 7 others like this.
  7. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye Gold IL'ite

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    Op,what is the consequence(s) you say you're facing because h left abroad for work for his own family which is yourself and the kids?
    Have you ever appreciate his efforts? Crying for everything is not good,it'll definitely annoy the counterpart.
    If you know his work nature,given that 15 years of togetherness you should have figured a way to live an independent life, better late than never take a grip with your life. Sorry buddy you're too much and this is too much.

    Relax and live it up :)
     
  8. Stressfull

    Stressfull Silver IL'ite

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    hi thanks for your response I don’t know why i got a smile after seeing your post. Thank you.
     
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  9. Stressfull

    Stressfull Silver IL'ite

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    @proud Indian thank you dear for your suggestions whatever I’m trying to do either meditation or something I’m not able because my younger one is glued to me 24/7 except when she goes for school.

    Now schools are closed I don’t know what to do I cannot take her to playground because of alarming cases.

    before my husband went to abroad there used to be part time cleaner but she fell down and hurted she is having three months bed rest. It’s not easy to get part time workers here. It is unofficial so it’s becoming tough.
     
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  10. Stressfull

    Stressfull Silver IL'ite

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    @angela 123

    yes dear emotionally I’m weak and having anxiety issues I’m trying meditation but not able of demanding situation.

    Sometimes if I give instructions he will pass sarcastic comments basically he was having ego issues until I Shut my mouth everything is lovey dovey.

    so basically normal conversations ok but if anything related to me most of the time he will be on high alert mode and watch each of my word under microscope.
     
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