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How Much Financial Information Does Your In-laws Share With You?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Flyhigher, Mar 25, 2021.

  1. Flyhigher

    Flyhigher Gold IL'ite

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    I am sick from past 3 days. I don’t know whether it is because of my sickness or what even small things feeling irritable.

    Usually I don’t take any in-laws complaints to DH, whether it is a fight or anything I will handle it myself, he has given me that liberty I am very happy about that. DH does not speak to his parents much until unless there is something very emergency. So in-laws contact me for everything this has been going on from years. In-laws had kept some money in their name for DH which I had no idea, that money got matured and came. So they called me told me that his money got matured and came. I got confused what money they are talking about. Even after trying to get information as much as possible they weren’t ready to share how much and from where it came. First of all we are not interested in any money from in-laws. I told them to keep it for themselves and use it even DH told me to tell the same and if not I told them to keep it with them and when next time when we come to India we will take from them. Still they were insisting to deposit, DH got angry and called them they gave him all the details. This made me angry or doesn’t know what emotions. And all the past things came into my mind and I started crying and saying we are married for 13 years and we know each other for 30+years is not sufficient to trust me, I have never asked one rupee from your parents nor never excepted anything from them, instead I myself took care of so many financial things open heartedly, even every time when I go to India I sign and keep blank checks with them for their emergency, I have blindly left my jewellery with them I haven’t even wored few and don’t even remember few, still why do they treat me like an outsider, why do they don’t share any financial information to me, why I am not allowed to go inside fil room in India. This made DH angry and sad as well he doesn’t like me crying and he called his parents asked why did they not share anything to me when I first asked and had huge debate. Later I felt like why did I do this, I could have kept quiet, already there is huge gap between in-laws and DH did I create even more, also in-laws see me as villain always, they treat me like an outsider, when I am there they treat me like a thief as if I take all their money and vanish. I have seen them for 30+ years I know their behaviour And kept my expectations from them zero but this time due my weak emotions I bursted out. Did I over react? Does your in-laws do the same with you guys, and do they not trust you and how much of info they share?

    I know trust should be earned cannot demand, it left to other person to whether to trust or not. But still when it comes to family is still the same. Please help me to clear my thoughts. As already I am sick and these thoughts making me even more sicker.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your in-laws are behaving as people of their age and generation tend to behave.

    A son-in-law or a DIL can become a very important member of the family over time. He or she can have a big say in things like finances, old parents healthcare, marriage alliances of younger people in the family, house buying etc. But, there can be specific areas in which he or she is not privy to all details.

    In this case, the crux of the problem is that you are the communication conduit between your in-laws and your husband without them acknowledging or realizing your contribution. You have accepted this arrangement for years. So, both sides got used to the service and convenience you provide. You did not complain. At the first feeling of "I am an outsider" you could have stopped being the conduit. Not allowed in FIL's room and not aware of financial stuff are big items. If you continue to be the conduit while these are practiced, what happened now will happen.

    You were unwise in being the conduit while treated like you are. Your husband is choosing to not talk much with his parents - not good. Arguing with them for not telling you the money details is not right on his part. There is some money in his name, and they are keeping track of it. How about some gratitude for that? Even if you guys want to tell them to keep the money, there is a nice way to do so.

    To answer your specific questions:
    Did I over-react:
    Yes.
    Does your in-laws do the same with you guys, do they not trust you, how much info do they share?
    On both sides for us, money and similar matters are discussed only with the child, not the child-in-law. The in-laws know that all will be conveyed to the child-in-law. The child-in-law's conversations with in-laws are limited to weather, politics, tv, inquiry about health, school, college, recipes, vacations etc.
     
  3. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you did over react. Your In laws seem to have considered you part of the family - that’s why they communicate more with you than their son. They did mention about the account maturing to you only, isn’t that so.

    Maybe because you were sick, you felt more emotional about the situation than you might otherwise have.

    what does it matter in the big scheme of things if they preferred to tell the exact financial details to your husband. Maybe they considered it a gift to him and wanted to tell him also to get some acknowledgment from him. You did mention that he does not talk often with them. That would tend to make them a bit sad maybe. Talking to your own child is different than talking to your child’s spouse however much you like them.

    If I were you, I would apologize to my husband and ask my husband to apologize to his parents for how he spoke to them. You both can choose to accept or not accept the money but there is no reason to speak rudely to anyone just because they were attempting to give you a large financial gift.

    my 2 cents.
     
  4. Flyhigher

    Flyhigher Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for clarifying.

    Why does DH does not speak to his parents - His parents are n****** and DH was kind of a scapegoat of the family. it's a kind dis-oriented family. For every bad thing that happens in the family, they used to blame him, for no reason fil(was alcoholic) used to beat him and mil used to take out all the anger of fil on DH, I have seen all these from childhood. Even once when he was in high school he ran away from home and tried committing suicide. After that, his uncle took care of him. Those things affected him mentally so much, it took time for him to come out from that depression anxiety. So that's the reason he keeps minimal contact with them. Its always like this when they call me until unless I tell to dh what is the matter he never asked, if I tell him to about financial things they want to talk to you he used to tell you just take care of things whatever it feels right to you, I have told them to discuss everything's with you directly I don't know why do they do this still. All he did was are healthy, do need any medical attention, do they need anything to home, or do they need financial support.
    Even before the marriage took issues to him he used to get disturbed, he became restless and there was a kind of war in the home between him and his parents. This treatment issue was even before marriage. He has talked to his parents regarding this, I talked to them directly, we went on no contact with them for more than a year for talking bad about my mom, brother and me, family elders intervened but still the same. We thought things will be ok slowly, and later he got fed up with them and told me once even to me their own son they treat me the same what to expect and fight with them its total waste. He stood for me whenever he came to know they treat me badly. Also, I have questioned inlaws directly on why do they treat me that way even during the last visit. We both have never ever fought till this date because of his parents. DH was busy with his work and research, conferences, and other stuff so most of the financial decisions I was responsible for deciding and just let him know the final result.
    He had directly told his parents several times that any financial or family matters why don't you guys just directly discuss with her, she is my wife not an outsider.

    Even DH had no idea about this money and how much. This is not he gave them to invest, they themselves kept in the name of both sons. Never we expected anything because fil directly used say that I was the one who struggled and you guys are waiting for me to die to enjoy everything. I don't know how to put in words I was politely asked them to keep it for themselves.
     
  5. Flyhigher

    Flyhigher Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you. I realize that. I should have handled calmly.
     
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  6. Flyhigher

    Flyhigher Gold IL'ite

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    I don't know how to put this. How to explain. There is nothing like a normal family. There is no bond between bothers or parents and kids. Because of childhood trauma he does not connect with anyone nor express his feelings straight away. Even we wanted to live like a normally like other families. I have never disrespected them and wanted DH to develop bond between them but sometimes my stupidity and too emotional I am screwing up things.

    I will definitely clear up the things once I am normal. Thanks for the advice.
     
  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    You are entering into dangerous zone not advisable for any DIL especially in a abnormal family setup

    If you don't care about why did you even try

    Again if money wasn't of any interest to you why you were trying to make decision for their son

    This is done on your own will . No one is obligated to return anything for this

    Again same as above

    You are one

    Boundary

    Too much for this incident

    Again your husband picking fight for you

    Please pick your own battles and understand your boundaries otherwise you will end up with more such incidents .
    Please remove yourself from this equation
     
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  8. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    I have observed in some families that Inlaws tend to discuss few things with DIL when they expect a kind of more explosion or heat from their son. This may not be the case with you. But what I see here is a huge communication and understanding gap between parents and son. I suggest you to not to dwell in between. Since it is happening right from his childhood you cannot hold any responsibility for that. Yes you stand with your husband and empathise him for his situation. But trying to involve could be dangerous as Mangai suggested.
    In my case also ILs do not wish to be open with me in any matter. I got to know that they have another property quite a long time after getting married. I am least bothered about it.
    I have observed quite a few times their inconvenience and discomfort to discuss such things infront of me (including DH for that matter). I always stayed away and wish to be like this even in future too. All I would do is to safeguard whatever I have earned. I dont even ask my husband regarding finances. This is a nasty topic IMO between couples.
    Recently MIL asked us to buy some silver for her when we were going for gold shopping (here also same case. Husband talks with his parents is limited to only their basic needs) . She asks me if we are taking her card to buy. She was also saying that she doesnt want it if the bill is not paid with her money. I just told her to discuss the money part with her son and left the place.
    Again I am suggesting, the lesser you involve in their matters the more peaceful you are and so will be your husband.
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Flyhigher, you are complicating this thing by linking it to multiple issues like husband's childhood trauma, not a normal family, in-laws not sharing info with you, etc. The problem is simpler:

    Serving as a long term mode of communication between two parties is a thankless job. Never sign up for it voluntarily and if the job is thrust on you, back out gracefully or bluntly.

    Example: In-laws will tell the DIL to tell / remind the son to call up xyz on this day to wish xyz. DIL reminds the son. The son says 'later'. DIL reminds him the next day... The son never gets around to it and in-laws blame the DIL. Or if he calls up xyz, it is as a favor to the DIL.

    I ran into a similar problem conveying messages between my kids and my husband. It just happened over time that they talked less to each other. Maybe because only I will go knock on the kid's door, tolerate rude or no reply, enter the room and initiate conversation. So, after a few times when I got blamed for not conveying the matter in a timely manner, or because the kid didn't deposit the check or didn't pay the cc bill, or didn't get the oil changed, I became smarter. I told them to find each other and talk or text using the phones that are anyway glued to their hands.
     
  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    The poor thing (OP) had to find gentle ways to wheedle out of the responsibility of a go-between. This experience with "maturing" money (is that a fixed deposit or CD ?) should teach her a lesson to use in future occasions. For example,
    • They call to tell her that money is maturing, she ought to answer with some really sweet phrase, like, "oh.... that is wonderful".
    • Or... when they say that a second cousin had asked them to come to summer in Mussourie, the OP might say, " oh.... that is wonderful",
    • Or ... when they say that an unrelated-uncle that OP's husband used to like in his childhood had passed away, she might say,"oh.... that is wonderful".
    And so on.
     

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