How much abuse is justified to end a marriage

Ria2006 · Jun 15, 2007

Well I have been fortunate not to have got bad marriage. But not all our lucky. Yesterday I was talking to a girl in office , who is Candaian by birth and her parents are Tamil brahmin .. They are here more than 40 years. so its second generation Indian. But What amazed me was her explanation of enduring abuse in marriage for 7 years , till she came out of it.. Now this woman is 40 years old. She is divorced, Very pretty , warm natured woman. From her demeanour I dont think she ever deserved to be treated like what she told me..
- her husband had thrown glasses, plates on her.
- he had dragged her several times with her hairs down staircases
- He had beaten her during her 4 pregnancies.. So she did nt bear a child
- her in-laws would totally control her life..they wud force her to cook for 23 people

I asked her why you didnt have courage to smack the guy back.. If you wanted the kid that badly.. atleast you could have run away from home.. when you were pregnant. Why you had to loose your kids.. Her answer.. Her parents were always scared of bad reputation, so they never gave her courage to do that. :idontgetit:
I would say , I have been to remotest villages in India and some of best developed nations. Strongest females I found in Indian village can give a beat to NRI raised gals here..
What kind of life parents want to give their kids..despite coming to US..despite securing your finances..A parent cannt give courage and wisdom to decide a grown up gal to have her life collected.
Why is that ..with more money and education, we cannt empower our kids.. I pity such parents and such thinking.....
:icon_frown: Please please empower your kids.. Dont make them weak ducklings who cannt fight this world.. Especially women.. Teach them value of being on their own.. Teach them..Abuse means this "guy is not for you".. sooner the better..
She got engaged at age of 17.. Way before marriage,her MIL and Husband decided which college she wud go to..I was telling her..this was clear signal from them..how ur life wud be.. Why ur parents and you didn't think about it..

Now this gal's staying alone.working and still hoping to find a right guy at age of 40.. I hope she would. But I think we all should raise awareness among others for raising our voice against domestic violence , so that we dont waste kid's lives like that...

Padmash · Jun 15, 2007

hi Ria,
this one is nice thread u started. u know except 2times i liked ur views always. coming to the topic. what u explained about indian origin canadian lady it's really sad she suffered more than required, adjustment and compromise never means u get urself beaten by this beast so called husband. never in India when parents talk about their daughter's marriage they will catch each word spoken by other party so that they can get exact conclusion what type of people they are, what this lady faced during engagement pre decided by in laws which college to go, in india noone agrees such cheap mentallity. getting aborted child 4times too much physical harassment she faced her parents made their girl a goat for sacrifice for their so called reputation in society, eventhough in india people are a bit conservative but noone can bear such atrocities on their own daughter, they get their daughter back and never send back, they are investing so much money on education, dowry so many things not to see their daughter beaten up everyday.
I don't think so much compromise is justified on women's part. If i was in her place i would have ran away in 1-2 yrs, its so painful to read how she went through all these years. Last year i read in Times of India, that NRI's who are settled they get indian bride bcoz for them indian girls are good t houshold work they don't need a servant, they torture them a lot same case i heard in hong kong for maharashtrian girl her husband used to make her wear stupid dresses inject some drug so as to seduce business clients she was lucky to escape to india.
All the women must know their rights in USA there is one forum for indian women so as to save them from such problems. Here case u mentioned is totally paents fault, now this is not time to keep quite and see urself getting killed everyday.

Ria2006 · Jun 15, 2007

I am glad you liked the subject. Your views are absolutely right.. I just think we should raise as much awareness as possible..This girl I am talking about.. She is not an ordinary woman.. she is celebrity in her own capacity.. She has been in Modelling. she is known face in Indian media. Her mother is renowned dancer.. And this very girl owns two world records under her belt.. Now such a precious and talented person being treated like dirt.. Imagine what other average gal would be facing under so called dear 'Sasural'.. I really pity parents..who cannt empower their kids and tell them to stand against any such torture..

padmamadhavan · Jun 15, 2007

This thread is really good. What i feel is that all women should have self respect. They should not allow even their husbands to treat them like door mats. With inlaws they should maintain distance. They should use inlaws like pickles. what i mean is inlaws should not be avoided totally.

Monsi · Jun 15, 2007

I too have the same opinion as that of Padma and Ria. The parents are at total fault here. The qualities like self respect, strength,standing for your own rights , all these have to be taught by the parents. Moreover, if a woman is abused in the marriage and she wants to come out of it, parents' support is absolutely necessary. Otherwise she doesnt have anybody else to look upto. I think we Indians have progressed so much with respect to money, education but we are still the hypocrats. Some still think that marrying a girl is the only duty they have to perform and after that they have no relation with her. If she is happy in her life , it is their added benefit , if not who cares !!!!!
I feel really bad for Ria's collegue and want to sincerely wish the best for her as she has seen and suffered alot in her life and now she deserves real good things to happen for herself.

Huma · Jun 15, 2007

i am surprise to know the parent's of the girl didn't do nothing during the seven years? no parents if they know what their daughter went through .....will take some actions.

bye

Ria2006 · Jun 15, 2007

You are right.. If I know more about her life.. I hate career-focussed mothers more.. Her mom was so dedicated and ambitious for her own dancing career.. That she never spent time with her kids.. this lady tells me.. That they never had food together as a family.. it was always. run and grab food kind of family life .. Now I dont know .. wether this problem is more about 'not empowering kid' or more about parents getting lost in 'race of grabbing more and more money' ..
She tells her mom is so matriarchial in nature.. that her father never had any say.. I dont know what to think of it.. Domination, career, dedication, ambition..are n''t all these for life ? .. If youd kid's life gets sacrificed because of your wrong priorities.. Then I would day.. Mother has totally failed in her duties as mother.. In the race of materialism.. we get so mad.. that we dont right as right and wrong as wrong..

lathanarasimhan · Jun 18, 2007

:waveHi all,
This shocking incident occured in Bangalore.
A former Govt official named Krishnaqppa along with his wife & son beatup & hanged their daughter-in-law.
It seems the girl was married only eight months back& even her phone calls were censored.This has happened even though her parents live in the same city.
It is shocking that our education system does'nt teach to face problems in our life.
It is shocking the girls parents did not suspect anything though she was not allowed to meet or talk to them.
It is shocking the girl herself did'nt try to escape to her parents house.:idontgetit:
There was a thread on Indian customs,like sati purdah etc.I missed it.
If anyone finds please let me know.
latha.

Sriniketan · Jun 19, 2007

I was surprised to learn that the same mentality is in the 'upper class' also and also shocked to learn the incident from Latha's post.
I think that we should know the limit to tolerate the abuse and get help, somehow. Atleast, a hint to the police would have made a big difference.
I feel sorry for both the girls. I pray that your friend finds a suitable match, sooner.
Sriniketan

Blondie · Jun 20, 2007

Seems like i am finding more answers/view points for the question raised by Huma in her thread 'If marraiges are made in heaven then why for some it is like hell'.
A girl in trouble looks for moral support from her immediate family. if that is lacking then it is only a courageous few that seek out side help and try to get out of the bad situations. Unfortunately the not so courageous face the unmentionable acts of cruelty.

Yes it is the parents responsibility to instill in their children respect for themselves,courage to face any adverse situation and confidence that they can rely on their parents in times of need.

in the case ria mentioned my take is the person in question despised the submissiveness in her father that she saw while growing up (as a result of her mother's aggressiveness)and as such tolerated the aggressive nature of her
husband to such extent. Still she had her mother's streak in her, thus ending the marraige. (just my 2 cents to expalin why her marraige lasted 7 yeats).

She has a whole life ahead of her with good chances of finding happiness. It is never too late at any age.