how long should we try?

swtsvn · Mar 31, 2008

I was on phone call with my school best friend, now in Germany. It has been pretty long time since we had a decent chat either over mail or on phone. She is my first best friend, and I dint want to lose her in a race against time and distance. As we were talking somehow I brought up the subject of her parents not sending invitation for her marriage to my parents. I was not planning to, the words just came out. I was expecting the regular apologies, but in addition to that I got the information that for my marriage, my parents did not invite them in person. We are pretty good family friends, and I was confused as to why anyone would hold bitterness over small misunderstandings like these, including my father. Everyone knows during marriage time, some things go wrong under the pressure of time and responsibilities, especially for the girls' side. "May be when you get older, you tend to expect more respect from others and let your ego run in the middle", I thought. We decided to let the past behind us, and go forward with our friendship.

Few days after that phone call, I heard my college class mate has moved to USA, and decided to call her, though she never kept in touch with any of her class mates after our final semester. Somehow it dint bother me, since I was not so close with her during the college itself. So I called her and spoke with her normally. She was also talking nicely, and told she dint contact much after college, and now that we are in usa, she would call more often. ok, fine. no probs.

Then this really close friend of mine just moved to north carolina a week before. She sent a mail to our yahoo group regarding her trip to usa, and I called India to speak with her about her trip, and asked her to send me her contact number in usa. It has been a week since she came here, and I dint hear anythign from her. Guessing she would be busy with sudden move to usa, I mailed her almost everyday, asking for her contact number.

No replies. Not even a "Reached safely, will call u later" kind of mail. "Well, it must be exhausting for her to suddenly move to usa for the next 6 months", I thought.
but later, as I was talking to my friend here in L.A, he told me he talked with her. I was literally shocked to hear this. It seems he got her contact number from a reply mail she sent him after coming to usa.

Imagine how embarrasing and disappointed I was considering we were in a girls group, and he is just her "hi bye" kind of friend.
my heart sank down a level, and I felt horrible inside. Lots of questions popped on my head. Does she even consider me a friend? why would she do this? where are her priorities? I thought our relationship was mutual. I look like such a fool.

He asked me whether I would want her number, and I said no. Let her call me. I will wait.

I decided not to talk to her or even mail her, unless she contacts me first. If she is not interested, there is no reason why I shoud be. Moreover, I am practically begging her to contact me which sounds pathetic now. Iam not so jobless as to just wait around the mail or phone.

But hey, why would I contact a "just class mate" without any hesitation, but would not call my supposedly best friend? Am I letting my ego come between a good relationship just like my father and my schoo friend's father did? May be it is not an oldies ego that is hindering them. It is something more than that. It is the pain and disppointment that whome we consider close, does not reciprocate our affection.

Any relationship to be successful has to be mutual and equal. When the other party loses interest, we get the hint and do not proceed until they realise our friendship and take efforts to rebuild it. Souds logic enough. But most of us lose our close friends over the passing time because of these small misunderstandings. If I could take steps to not lose contact with a "somebody", I should take efforts ten times more than that to keep a good friendship intact. rite?

But the real question here is,
how long should I try in a one way relationship?

I dont know. I just dont know.

Anandchitra · Mar 31, 2008

Extraordinarily interesting blog.. really relished reading the very nice and neat way you have written.. swtsvn.. I also admire you have edited so well that the message come out clear and crisp.. I dont have the answer to your question.. sorry.. It just happens.. If I were to lament any to my dh he always has one reply .. Dont expect.. now that I've been married for 24 years I am more him and so dont expect (for the most part).. my close cousin sisters, my chithi who I thought of as mother, no one even called when they visited close to where i live.. nowadays it doesnt make a difference .. if I get invited to wedding or not.. if someone invites we go if not we let go..no trying at all.. Thats become my take on it.. My family thinks i am too much into vedanta and hence talk such .. you have written so well.. keep blogin my young friend

mkthpavi · Mar 31, 2008

Dear swtsvn...very nice blog. I can only say that in modern times, with everything happening on a 'fast food' type scale, courtesies, socializing etc do take a backseat - knowingly or unknowingly. I too have a college batchmate who did not invite me to his engagement/wedding, but did not fail to email me to ask for someone else' phone number whom he wanted to invite!!! I just assumed that he has forgotten...but hard to believe really.
In those days, I am told, parents had to go "in person" to all elders and close relatives to invite for any major occasion like marriage or poonal. Now-a-days, this doesnt happen, as I see it. In fact, these days people just scan the invitation and send it on email, almost like a fwded bulk email!!
Also, if there is a really valid reason why your parents did not invite your friend's parents and vice versa, we should respect their feelings. Think of this...would your mom and dad be happy that you are interacting with a person with whose parents about whom they dont have a positive opinion? Who is more important to you - your parents or your friend?
One other aspect when you talk about formalities, I have personally experienced, in my wedding, some relatives coming with their entire family, "as invited", but giving a very bad-looking or cheap gift, which cannot be even considered a decent wedding gift ! I wonder whether they came just for the wedding food or what ) And to think that my parents got costly silk sarees + veshtis + shirts for them, their sons and their DILs !!
Its all part of the game yaar and try not to take it to heart. We all have such major cribs, not just you. I am myself learning how to ignore and try to have less expectations from others.
Cheers
Pavithra

swtsvn · Apr 1, 2008

thanks chitra. it was a really good detailed compliment, and a worthy advice. I guess as we grow in maturity, the best approach is "dont expect, and respect those who respect us back". good one. will try to follow it more often from today

swtsvn · Apr 1, 2008

hi pavithra. it is v bad to ask for phone number to invite someone else before inviting us. I have had similar experience, and could not wonder about their lack of simple memory. i always take care in asking phone numbers and stuff only to those who wont get hurt by it. I wish more ppl would consider other's feelings before doing such things.

Anandchitra · Apr 1, 2008

Pavithra Those people came just for the food and gifts they were going to receive no doubt.. but why would they bring a cheap gift.. I always wonder.. never figured it..
swtsvn : Hope I m not giving too old advice.. But I told from experience.. also I thought about this some more today.. I have 4 or so cousins who came here after marraige.. not one called me.. how am i to know they came here or where they came and what they are doing.. however they al have my info thru their parents who are my aunts and uncles.. I too dont bother to keep in touch.. o.k. by me.. for some reason people are that way and they ake us also that way!

sunkan · Apr 1, 2008

dear swtsvn,
unusual name here to address, still i think it is more of pressure when a person keeps calling they never know the genuinity and may be having some crap in mind about some episode in school or college so forget it i know how tough it is to be served badly i mention here, when u go across u dont expect this and dream to be together, but life brings in so many doubts one does not know where to start looking for meaning, so go ahead and make friends of the present rather than the past..sunkan

SoaringSpirit · Apr 1, 2008

Nice topic stwsvn. Something that very much happens to many of us these days.

I will agree with the FBs here that to not expect much, not get disappointed and move on is the best course. Tough to implement I know. An attached-detached attitude helps in these matters. Attached until they are to you, detached as soon as they get detached.
Somehow I think that this attached-detached behavior is tough to implement with relatives. The expectation seems to be that you keep in touch just because they are your relatives, especially the ones from the in-laws side. With relatives from our side, it is easier to implement this.
SS

Meeta · Apr 1, 2008

Hi Swati (I suppose its your name),
Nicely poured emotions. It had happened to me so many times that I have stopped caring abt these petty things any more.....As AC told, the same words were told to me by my DH, never expect....if you will, you will only hurt yourself.........so, now there is no expectations from my side. Several of my school/college frds came here, some contacted me........I have contacted some.....and then life goes on.......and some exceptional cases are also there.....like my first cousin who came here....stayed here.......visited DC.....kept in contact with my brother who is in CA.....but never called me and finally called me a day before leaving to India to invite me for his marriage in India...........think what will I do.........but I just talked to him as nicely as possible and apologised for not able to attain that marriage.....but my DH was not interested to talk to him as he never met him and also never seen me in contact with him...........
And this fellow made a big hue and cry over this situation ........exact things I don't know........I am writing the inputs I got from my Mom........anyways, who cares...........
So, things like this will always happen........it has to happen.........and we can only do our best to keep ourselves calm...and keep chanting the Mantra........NEVER EVER EXPECT FROM ANYBODY.......
Pavitra:
Relatives of these kind will always be there.........in every household....I would rather feel happy that at least they come and didn't make any trouble unlike those relatives........who will wait till the marriage day to take all kind of grudge and spoil the occasion.......
regards.

lipa123 · Apr 2, 2008

Hi,

I am very new to this group. But your writing really touched me lot. so thought of sending a small comment. Don't be bothered so much with your expectations not being met by your freinds or relatives.There are people whose expectations from the nearest person is also not met. When you love someone, and start depending on a relation,we are all bound to expect something. Its really difficult to stay indifferent and stop expecting. If only we could have done that, probably we could have saved ourselves from being hurt every now and then.